


Learning to Breathe

by underneathitall



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anxiety, Bi-Polar Disorder, Implied/Referenced Abuse, M/M, Mental Health Issues, PTSD, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Triggers, Work In Progress, psych ward au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-20
Updated: 2014-07-06
Packaged: 2018-01-09 10:48:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 113,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1145063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/underneathitall/pseuds/underneathitall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester was just admitted to the Psychiatric Ward for minors at Lawrence Hospital after a car accident that killed his father but left him alive. When he finds out his roommate is a kid he used to go to school with, Castiel Novak, they start to make a hesitant friendship. At first, Dean's only focus is to get out as fast as he can without any attachments. Soon after that, he discovers that making friendships with other patients in the hospital and developing feelings for Cas might be what he really needed to get through this all along. **complete**</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It's All New Here

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fanfiction that I'm actually really excited about writing. So far all I have is the first chapter, so if you guys like it, let me know and I'll keep going. I've got lots of ideas as to where this can go and I'll update regularly (I promise, bi-weekly at the most). Explicit rating is for later chapters, and I'll add more characters and trigger warnings as I go. 
> 
> For this chapter, TW: mentions of PTSD, anxiety, self-harm, and bi-polar disorder

“Here are your things,” Mary Winchester said as she handed a bag of belongings to her eldest son. He was in a fresh change of clothes, but they were still standing in the same white hospital room Dean had woken up in after the car crash. “I hope you get better staying here, Dean. I really do.”

“I’m gonna try, mom,” Dean replied with a strained smile, taking the bag. “Thanks. I’ll call you if they let me.”

Mary started to cry at that, hugging him for all she was worth, and Dean was suddenly overwhelmed with guilt. None of this was his fault, and he knew that, but all the responsibility seemed like it landed on his shoulders. His mom was falling apart at the seams, and the other day when his little brother Sam had visited to say goodbye before he went back to school, he cried too. Everyone around him was overwhelmed with tears, and Dean had to sit there and comfort them; still the strong one, even laid up in a hospital bed.

The doctor that mainly checked on him told him he was probably experiencing survivor’s guilt, but knowing what it was didn’t make him feel any better.

Dean refused to cry, even when he was alone. He’d seen too much of that from the people he loved for two lifetimes, and there was no way he was going to break down now. His dad wouldn’t have wanted that.

He wished he didn’t even remember it, but he did. Every horrifying detail.  Not surprisingly, the farthest thing from Dean’s mind was confessing his thoughts and feelings to some stranger in a hospital who claimed they could “fix him”.

Everything was fucked up now. He probably wouldn’t even graduate since his doctor told him there was no way to be sure how long they’d have to keep him there. It was Dean’s senior year at Lawrence High, and things had been going okay for him, but if he missed even two weeks of classes at this point he wasn’t going to graduate. He’d been at the hospital longer than that just for his physical recovery, and something told him the school board wouldn’t overlook an extended stay for mental and emotional reasons.

Mary reluctantly pulled away from him, wiping her eyes and trying to pull herself together. “I’m sorry, honey,” she said quietly. “I’ll just miss you. Sam too, you know that right?”

“Yeah, I know mom,” Dean said. “I’ll miss you and Sam a lot, but you can come visit me if you want; they said that’s allowed.”

He would do anything to take her pain away, but it was impossible. His dad had died in the car crash, after all. A drunk driver hit them, and Dean had been relatively okay despite a sprained wrist and some internal bleeding, but not his father. It killed Dean to see his mom like this, but there was no bringing John back.

“I promise we’ll come see you,” she said. “Whenever we can, we’ll be here.”

Dean nodded and hugged her again. He wanted to assure her that he was going to be fine here; she and Sam were the ones he worried about. Dean spent most of his time thinking about how much things were going to change now, and being even more anxious about them because he wouldn’t be there to help out.

Mary had a part time job working as a waitress at a diner, and she’d have to get more hours. Dean wasn’t going to able to work at the mechanic shop for a while, so Sam would have to get a job to help pay rent.

Sam shouldn’t have to do those things; he’s just a kid. At 15, he should be thinking about girls and school and hanging out with his friends…not getting a job to support his family. Sam didn’t deserve a life dealing with his father’s death and brother’s psychological issues that landed him in the hospital.

“Dean Winchester?” a female voice said from the doorway.

Dean and his mother looked up at the nurse that had come to see them. She was tall, probably in her mid-twenties, and had red hair. Dean had seen her walking around the hospital before, even though she had never come into his room.

“My name’s Charlie,” she said, stepping into the room and shaking Dean’s hand. “I’ll be your main nurse during your stay in the ward. You can ask me anything you want, anytime, okay?”

Dean nodded, not really wanting to go through with this. He didn’t have much of a say though, since he wasn’t 18 yet and apparently “a potential danger to himself.” He’d been told his diagnoses of PTSD, anxiety, and possibly depression were a pretty miserable combination.

“I can give you a few more minutes to say goodbye if you want,” Charlie offered. “Or we can get started right away.”

“We just finished saying goodbye,” Dean said.

“Okay, great,” Charlie said. “Ma’am, you’re free to go check out at the lobby. Dean, you can come with me.”

“Alright,” Dean said, hugging his mom one more time before leaving the room. “Bye mom.”

“Bye, Dean,” Mary called after him, hesitant to leave.

“She seems nice,” Charlie commented as they walked down several hallways to an elevator.

“Yeah,” Dean said disinterestedly. He didn’t know how he was supposed to be feeling right now, but he wasn’t in the mood for light conversation.

They stepped inside the elevator, and Charlie pressed the button for the fourth floor.

There was something about the way the button lit up that made Dean die a little inside. That floor was the only thing he’d be seeing for who knew how long, and he wasn’t ready for that. He never thought he’d wish he was back at school, but that’s where he really wanted to be right now…not looking at a stupid button that was all his future had to offer. It made him feel trapped.

“You’ll be staying in our psychiatric ward for minors while you’re here,” Charlie said on their way up. “It’s not that bad, I swear. Everyone’s really nice, and we’re all here to help each other. I know that sounds kind of cliché, but it’s true. We want everyone to get better; the patients even help talk things out with one another.”

Dean nodded, and when the elevator doors opened he stepped out slowly. He was a combination of scared, dejected, and pissed off that he was being forced to do this…it was kind of a miracle in and of itself that he’d made himself walk out of the small space. He hadn’t ever heard anything as final as those doors closing behind him, and a sinking feeling made its way into Dean’s stomach.

“Hey Ellen,” Charlie said to a woman behind the counter of the front desk. “I’ve got Dean Winchester here, all ready to go.”

“Hi, Dean,” Ellen greeted as she typed something into the computer in front of her.

She looked like she was in her early forties and had blonde hair. She seemed friendly, and it made Dean feel a little less tense.

“He’s in room 323 with Castiel,” Ellen told Charlie, clicking through some files.

 _Castiel,_ Dean thought, bringing his gaze up from the floor. He didn’t know anyone else with that name. _Castiel Novak?_

Castiel had gone to Dean’s school at the beginning of the year. He’d transferred from somewhere in Illinois, and towards the end of October he just stopped showing up. As far as Dean knew, Castiel didn’t have many friends…not that he’d seen him with anyway. They never talked, but he had noticed when Castiel wasn’t around anymore. No one was sure what happened, but a fair share of rumors had gone around before the subject was dropped and people moved on.  

 _This is what happened to him?_ _It’s been two months since then._

“I’ll go get him,” Charlie said, turning to face Dean. “Your roommate Castiel’s going to show you around. I think it’s important that you get to know the person you’re gonna be living with, so I’ll let you guys bond for a while. We brought you in here after all the main activities for the day were over, so after Castiel finishes showing you around I’ll bring you a schedule for next week.”

“Alright,” Dean said, figuring that sounded easy enough. He was grateful he didn’t have to go to any activities; the thought was terrifying.

Charlie walked down the hallway next to the front desk, leaving Dean alone with Ellen in the waiting room.

“It’s not so bad here, you know,” Ellen said.

Dean looked up at her dubiously. He knew this wasn’t a cure-all place where he’d leave feeling completely better.

“I’m not just saying that,” she continued. “I know you’re pissed at the world, or yourself, or whatever else, but it’s gonna be okay. I know you think I don’t know anything; I mean, ‘I haven’t been forced to stay here for months on end’ and all that crap kids usually throw at me when they first get here, but I can honestly say that this place is gonna help with whatever’s hurting you. You can even talk to me if you want.”

“Thanks,” Dean said, crossing his arms and leaning against the counter. It would be for the best to start out on good terms with everyone.

“You’re welcome,” Ellen replied.

She left it at that, going back to work while Dean waited for Charlie to come back.

Dean could already tell this was going to be awkward, at least for him. He didn’t know if Castiel would remember they went to the same school, but if he did there was no guarantee as to how he’d react.

After a few more minutes, Charlie came back with Castiel in tow.

“I’m back,” Charlie announced. “Castiel, this is Dean; Dean, Castiel.”

When they made eye contact, something in Castiel’s face hardened.

 _He looks like hell_ , Dean thought.

Cas was wearing a black long sleeved shirt with a matching hoodie over it and dark jeans. His brown hair was messy, and there were circles under his eyes.

“Hey,” Castiel said, still somewhat analyzing Dean like he was a wild animal.

“Hey,” Dean replied cautiously.

“Want me to show you around?” Castiel asked, tilting his head in the direction of the rest of the floor.

“Sure,” Dean said, pushing himself off the counter to walk with him.

“Have fun guys,” Charlie called out. “Remember, dinner’s served till 7 and you need to be back in your room by 9.”

“I know, Charlie,” Castiel called back as they turned another corner and were met with a giant open space.  

There were several chairs on every wall of the room, and a small TV in the upper left corner of the area that was playing a random show. There wasn’t any sound, but a young teen was standing in the middle of the floor by himself, watching it like he was hanging on every silent word.

“This is kind of like the commons of the floor. It’s where some of us go to hang out and talk, that kind of thing,” Castiel explained. “Not very popular, as you can see.”

He looked at Dean for any sort of commentary or question, but when he got none Castiel started walking down one of the hallways.

He wasn’t going to force Dean to speak to him, and he understood why the other boy didn’t feel like trying to make friends right away. After all, he was in the same position a few months ago, and he handled it _way worse_ than Dean.

They were now in a longer hallway than the one they had just passed through, with about 10 doors on each side. All of them looked the same: blue with a room number next to it, sticking out against the starch white walls.

“I’m not gonna bother showing you inside every room, but basically these are where we have our daily activities. Group therapy in there, private therapy over here, art, music, all that shit. Pretty much whatever’s on your schedule is gonna be in this hallway.” Castiel gestured at the doors of all the different rooms he was describing in turn.

Dean looked from side to side at the doors, but didn’t say anything. It was starting to sink in just how foreign everything here was.

Taking Dean’s silence as yet another cue to keep going, Castiel turned left at the end of the array of doors. As they walked down another hallway there was nothing but a set of double-doors, the same blue color as the previous ones. Dean could hear noise coming out of it and figured it must be a common area or cafeteria.

Castiel stopped in front of it and explained, “This is the dining hall on your left, where we have breakfast at 8, lunch at 1, and dinner at 6. Each meal is served for an hour, and it’s barely edible; but I suggest you eat it unless you want to marked for an eating disorder.”

Dean glanced inside the giant room and kept going when his roommate started to walk away.  

“You’re more talkative than I thought you’d be” Castiel joked, taking a right after they passed the dining hall. There was another set of blue double-doors here that Castiel stopped in front of.

“This is the library,” he stated. “It’s actually got some pretty good stuff. If you’re bored or need to clear your head, it’s always quiet…unless Lucifer’s in there and has one of his infamous episodes. But don’t worry, you’ll get used to those.”

Dean frowned slightly, but didn’t say anything.  After turning left, Castiel stopped at the entrance to another room and put his hand on the door.  

“This is the main ‘socializing room.’ No one really talks in the commons, but if people _do_ want to, they do it here. It’s relaxed, only one staff member supervises, and it feels a little less sterile and suffocating than the rest of the place,” he said.

Castiel pointed to the mandatory right you had to make after the socializing room, since there was just a wall to the left. “Finally, rooms are down there. Going the opposite way from where we started is faster, but you wanted the tour, so you got it. I’ll show you where we sleep after we get something to eat. Questions, comments, or concerns?” Castiel asked with a slight smirk, staring at Dean’s face that had fallen significantly since they started the tour.

Dean shook his head. “Not really,” he shrugged.

“He speaks,” Castiel said, amused.

Dean narrowed his eyes at him a little, but kept his face mostly neutral. He could deal with the snarky attitude for a bit, but if this was a regular thing, Castiel was gonna get on his nerves.

“Your apathy is pretty transparent, Dean,” Castiel said. “You might want to work on that. Poker faces may fool other people around here, but not me…I was you once, the first time I came to a place like this back where I used to live. I wanted everyone to think I didn’t give a shit and that I was okay so I could get out as quickly and painlessly as possible. I know all the tricks, I know all the lies, and I know all the excuses; you can’t get away with that around me. If you feel like you want to do something stupid, and I mean _anything_ stupid, tell me.  I may be an ass, but I’m a good listener and I don’t want to see you end up like me.”

Dean gave Castiel a once over for what felt like the fiftieth time, trying to decide how he felt about him. One minute the guy was an annoying ass, and the next he was almost acting like a friend. Dean was totally lost, and more than a little fascinated.

“Come on, we’re eating,” Castiel said, grabbing Dean by the wrist and pulling him along to start walking. He quickly dropped his hand when a hospital employee came into view. Noticing Dean’s confusion at the sudden movement, Castiel explained, “That’s a rule: no touching. No one really listens to it, but don’t do it around a supervisor. You get put on this warning list for solitary and it’s a huge deal.”

“Alright, thanks,” Dean said. And he actually kind of meant it.

They walked into the dining hall, where there were more people than Dean was expecting: probably 60 in total.

“Where’s the line?” Dean asked.

“Over here,” Castiel said, leading the way to where all the food was. “I’ll help you out with what’s easy to get down and what’s not.”

They each got a tray, and Dean followed Cas down the display of food. Some options were under a heat lamp, and others were just out. There was even a salad bar against one of the walls, with a coffee maker on the far end.

Castiel grabbed a sandwich from a tray of them that were sitting out, wrapped in plastic, while Dean picked up a hamburger that was under one of the heat lamps.

“Is this okay?” Dean asked, holding it up.

“Yeah, the burgers are good here,” Castiel said, nodding in greeting at the man who was busy cooking in the back of the kitchen. “Anything at the salad bar’s safe too.”

Dean kept going down the line of food, not seeing much that looked appealing to him. When he got to the end of the line, he grabbed a water bottle and walked over to Cas who was waiting for him by the salad bar with his tray.

“Where do we pay for this?” Dean asked, looking around.

“We don’t,” Castiel said. “It’s included in the ridiculous fee we have to pay to be in this place. Come on, let’s find somewhere to sit.”

Castiel found them an empty spot at a half-crowded table, where they sat across from each other.

“Do you sit by yourself most of the time?” Dean asked.

“No. I’ve got friends here, as shocking as that may be,” Castiel said, taking a bite of his sandwich. “They’re on the other side of the room, probably watching me sit down with you, but I’ll introduce you guys tomorrow.”

“Why do you want to talk to me and not your friends?” Dean questioned.

“Maybe I think you’re interesting,” he responded. “You’re new, we’re rooming together, and you’re hot. Might as well indulge myself.”

Dean didn’t know how to respond to that, so he just took a bite of his burger and looked around the room for something else to talk about.

“This is almost everyone in the ward,” Castiel said, noticing Dean scanning the crowd. “It seems like a lot, but this place is actually pretty small compared to some of the others I’ve been to.”

“How many other psych wards have you been to?” Dean asked curiously.

“Three,” Castiel told him. “They were all back home though.”

“In Illinois,” Dean said, taking a sip of his water.

“So you _do_ know who I am,” Castiel said, smirking. “I was starting to think I’d managed to stay under your radar when I went to Lawrence.”

“You were kind of hard to miss,” Dean said, gesturing vaguely at Castiel.

“Because everyone there dresses in shorts and football jerseys and I don’t?” Castiel asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

“That was part of it,” Dean said. “You were new; people kind of made it a point to find out who you were. You didn’t talk to anyone though, so they dropped it pretty fast.

“Should I be offended?” Castiel asked.

“I wasn’t trying to be offensive,” Dean replied.

“Then none taken,” he said. “Anyway, I’m glad I got out of there when I did.”

“You’re not gonna graduate, are you?” Dean asked. “I’m already in deep shit from being out a week and a half before now, and you’ve been gone for months.”

“I’m probably not gonna graduate, no,” Castiel said, biting his sandwich again. “I didn’t talk to anyone about it, but I figured. This was all pretty sudden, and it’s nowhere near over for me,” He motioned around the room, referring to his staying in the ward.

“What happened?” Dean asked.

Castiel huffed a laugh. “That’s not a question we ask in here,” he said. “If someone wants you to know, they’ll tell you. And I sure as hell don’t want to get into that.”

“You said I could come to you with my shit; why can’t you come to me with yours?” Dean countered.

“Because I can handle other people’s problems on top of my own,” Castiel said. “You just got here, meaning you haven’t even started working on _yourself_ yet. Once you get a handle on that, maybe I’ll tell you what’s up with me. For now let’s stick with you letting me know when you need someone to spill your guts to.”

“Fine,” Dean said.

“Not even gonna put up a fight?” Castiel asked, leaning over the table to look at him closely for a moment. “I think I like you.” He leaned back and ate a little more of his sandwich, then finished off his water.

“What are we doing after this?” Dean asked, not wanting to comment. “It’s not lights out yet.”

“We can go back to our room,” Castiel suggested. “It has to be at least a little annoying carrying that thing around.” He pointed at Dean’s bag on the floor.

“Alright,” Dean agreed.

He put the bag over his shoulder again when he and Castiel stood up to go throw their wrappers in the trash and stack their trays.

“Thanks, Balthazar,” Castiel yelled back at the chef, who was in the middle of mixing something in a bowl.

“You’re welcome, Cas,” Balthazar said. “Play nice with the new guy.”

“I’m always nice,” Castiel said in a mock defensive tone.

“You know the cook?” Dean asked as they walked out of the dining hall.

“Unfortunately,” Castiel replied. “He’s my brother. He worked here before I went bat shit and still lived in Pontiac.”

“Aren’t family members of patients not supposed to work here?” Dean asked. “Seems like it could get messy.”

“Technically, yeah,” Castiel said. “But like I said, Balthazar’s been here way longer than me; he’s just the cook, it’s not like he’s my therapist. Besides, he wasn’t the cause of what happened to me…if anything, he made me feel better.”

“That makes sense,” Dean agreed. He didn’t want to upset Cas by pressing further, so he didn’t.

He followed Castiel past the library and into the living area, passing doors upon doors.

“How many rooms are there?” Dean asked, following Cas down the first hallway.

“A shitload,” Castiel said with a slight laugh. “I have no idea, but we’re not that far back. Just take a right and we’re the second door on the left.”

They arrived at the room a few seconds later, and Castiel opened the door for him.

“They’re never locked,” he explained, walking in behind Dean. “It’s considered a safety hazard, so don’t do anything you wouldn’t want to get caught doing. There aren’t any security cameras on us, but they do rounds during the day and at night to make sure everything’s okay.”

Dean took a deep breath and put his bag down at the end of the bed that didn’t have books and papers scattered on top of it.

“What’s all that?” Dean asked, his eyes glancing over the array of items on the mattress.

“My books and writing; private stuff,” Cas said.

“Books are private?” Dean asked as Castiel made his way over to his bed and started organizing everything that was cluttered on it.

“No, but the writing sure as hell is,” Cas responded, stacking the loose papers underneath the novels. “And if I catch you going near it, I’ll end you.”

Even though there was a slight joking edge to Castiel’s tone, he at least half meant it.

“Note taken,” Dean said, putting the two books he had brought with him on his bedside table. They were ones he’d bought a few months ago with the intention of reading, but had never gotten around to it.

Castiel looked at him for a moment, attempting to gauge what Dean was thinking by the strangely pained expression he was trying so hard to hide.

“It’s weird at first, huh?” Castiel asked, his voice suddenly softer and somewhat compassionate.

“Yeah,” Dean nodded, rubbing the back of his neck self-consciously. “Two weeks ago I was at school, and now I’m here. I’ve got people walking around monitoring everything I do and I’ll be going to therapy twice a day…I really fucked up, didn’t I?”

“Probably,” Castiel said with a sad and understanding smile. “But hey, everyone in here did. No matter how alone you feel in this, you’re not.”

Dean exhaled slowly and looked at the floor, then turned his gaze to Cas.

“You can say that all you want,” Dean said bitterly. “I may have someone to talk to that doesn’t hate me, but I got myself into this alone and I’m gonna get out of it alone. And once I get home I’m gonna have to deal with myself alone.”

“Are you just choosing to ignore me standing right here?” Castiel asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

“Well why wou-,” Dean was interrupted when a man opened the door to their room.

“Dean Winchester?” he asked in a thick British accent.

He was short, probably in his late thirties, had brown hair, and was wearing a black suit with a dark red tie.

“Yeah?” Dean answered, inspecting him briefly.

 “I’m Crowley MacLeod,” the man said, extending his hand. “Your therapist while you’re here.”

 Dean shook his hand firmly, not sure what he thought of him yet.

“Well, I should rephrase that,” Crowley said. “I’m your _individual_ therapist. Specifics and all that. I’ll be the one you talk to every day one-on-one, but you’ll have someone else for group therapy earlier in the day. I’ve been Castiel’s therapist ever since he got here, so if you want any stories about how wretched I am, I’m sure he can tell you.”

Dean glanced at Cas, who shrugged.

“You’re not that bad, Crowley,” Cas said with a playful smirk before looking at Dean. “He’s actually helped me through a lot of heavy shit.”

Crowley nodded before continuing, “I have my moments. But enough chitchat; I came down here for a reason.” He reached into his pocket and took out a piece of paper. “This is your schedule for the next week, Dean. Charlie wanted to give it to you, but she got held up with something. Best just do what it says, and if you need any help you can yell for me or Cas.”

“Thanks,” Dean said. “I will.”

“Good man,” Crowley replied. “I’ll see you both tomorrow.”

He turned around and left the room, leaving Dean and Cas alone to talk again.

“Is he actually a good therapist or were you just saying that because he was here?” Dean asked, skimming the paper that had been handed to him.

“Best therapist I’ve ever had,” Cas stated without hesitation. “And that’s saying something. He gets it; it may not seem like it, but he does.”

“Good,” Dean said, his chest still not feeling any lighter.

“Can I see that?” Castiel asked, putting out his hand for the schedule.

“Sure,” Dean gave it over and waited.

“You’ve got two activities with me,” he said. “Group therapy and art.”

“Cool,” Dean said, taking the paper when Castiel handed it back.

“Meals are served to everyone at the same time, so we can meet up for those too,” Castiel said.

“Sounds like a plan,” Dean replied. “By the way, where are the showers? I should probably take one tomorrow.”

“They’re down the hall, but the door’s always locked so you have to tell a supervisor before you take one,” Cas said. “They send someone in with you to stand in the corner and face the wall while you do it. It’s pretty uncomfortable, but like everything else here you get used to it.”

Dean grimaced slightly. “I don’t want someone in the room with me,” he said.

“It’s not like they stare at you the whole time, Dean,” Castiel retorted. “They have to be there in case anyone decides to try something. It’s protocol and it sucks, but it’s what we have to deal with. Like I said, we all did something to get here in the first place. We don’t have the privilege of privacy.”

“I guess you’re right,” Dean said, resigned. “I don’t want to get used to this place though…this wasn’t supposed to happen.”

“Why not?” Castiel asked, sitting down on Dean’s bed.

Dean joined him and looked at the other boy carefully, weighing his options of telling Cas why he was there. He decided against it, and worked his way around it when he spoke.

“Because I’m the big brother,” Dean said with some resentment. “I’m the one that’s strong for everyone else. I take away my family’s pain and add it to my own pile of crap because they don’t deserve to feel that way. It’s my job.”

“But you don’t get anyone to vent to,” Cas stated, almost like it was from experience. “And everything just builds and builds until you can’t take it anymore. You’ve got the shit _you’re_ dealing with on top of everyone else’s and it all blurs together in this mess you can’t find a way out of.”

Dean nodded. “Exactly,” he said.

“Except you’re not alone here,” Cas repeated from earlier. “Like I said, I know how it feels to b-,” he cut himself off from saying something he’d probably regret talking about with Dean. “Anyway, you have a lot of people to talk to in this place…myself included.”

“You kind of jump all over the place, you know that?” Dean said. “One second you’re kind of ass, the next you’re telling me I can talk to you about anything…why?”

Cas shrugged. “It’s just how I am,” he replied. “I keep you on your toes though, don’t I?”

Castiel winked before he turned around and went to the small dresser on his side of the room.

“It’s almost lights out; we should get ready to go to sleep. Or at least try to,” Cas said, pulling out a different shirt and pajama pants.

“Good call,” Dean said.

He walked to the end of his bed and grabbed his bag, messily emptying its contents into the dresser drawers.

“I’m gonna have to help you fix that tomorrow,” Castiel said, watching him with a look of slight disgust.

“You’re a neat freak?” Dean asked. He was a little surprised; Cas didn’t strike him as the type.

“No. I just like for there to be _some_ kind of order,” Cas replied.

“I’ve never been organized in my life,” Dean said, smirking at him.

“Then I’ll have to change that,” Castiel said, taking his shirt off to put on the one he was going to sleep in.

Dean’s eyes widened slightly as he stared at Castiel. There were scars all over his chest, torso, and arms; some were white, some a raised purple, and others a light red.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer,” Cas said, putting a long-sleeved shirt on as he stared at Dean. Remarkably, he didn’t look the least bit upset. “Like I said, I’ll tell you my shit when I feel like I can trust you…and if I ever feel up to re-telling my entire fucked up life story to anyone ever again. Once was more than enough.”

“Sorry,” Dean said, looking away at the ground as if that would give Cas any more privacy. “I shouldn’t have looked.”“Don’t be sorry,” Cas said, taking his pants off before stepping into a pair of black sweatpants. “I’m not shy about my scars. They’ll always be there, so might as well not get bothered by them.”

“I’ll just mind my own business,” Dean said, not wanting to aggravate the situation. He took his shirt off as he walked over to the dresser and chose a different one to sleep in, along with a pair of pajama pants.

“Damn, Winchester,” Castiel said, eyeing his bare torso carefully.

“Whatever that means,” Dean mumbled to himself as he put his shirt on.

“You think I don’t notice you checking me out when I’m looking the other way? You underestimate me, Dean,” Castiel joked.

“I wasn’t _checking you out_ ,” Dean defended, annoyed.

He put his other pants on and sat on his bed.

“Well I’ve been checking you out too,” Cas said as he sat on his own bed on the opposite side of the room from Dean’s. “I’m just more discrete about it.”

“We’re not gonna talk about this,” Dean said.

“We will at some point,” Cas stated.

Suddenly the door to their room opened and Charlie walked inside.

“Hey guys,” she greeted. “Just warning you, it’s lights out in a minute. Might wanna at least pretend you’re sleeping for the orderlies.”

“Thanks Charlie,” Castiel said.

“Yeah, thanks,” Dean said, giving her a small wave.

“You’re welcome. See ya tomorrow,” Charlie said as she left, closing the door behind her.

“You heard her,” Castiel said, climbing under the covers of his bed.

“We really have to go to sleep right now?” Dean asked.

He wasn’t used to being forced to sleep at 10 pm.

“Yeah, we do,” Cas said, getting tired. “I know it sucks, but like every other weird thing around here, you eventually stop complaining and manage.”

Dean sighed audibly as he got under his sheets.

The lights in their room automatically went out, along with all of the ones Dean could see outside the window in their door.

 _That’s not creepy at all_ , Dean thought sarcastically.

“I know. It’s kinda creepy,” Castiel said in an irritated tone. “I can practically _feel_ your insecurity from here, Dean, and it’s giving me a headache. Go to sleep.”

“Fine,” Dean said, adjusting himself so he was more comfortable.

This was it. The first night in his new home…tomorrow he was going to wake up and start a completely new routine in a foreign place. Yeah, he was stressed out about it, but he’d have to make do with what he was given. Even though it was hard, he’d have to get through this.

Eventually, Dean calmed down enough that he fell asleep. It might have had something to do with the sound of Castiel’s steady breathing in the same room, but who knows?

                

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> castielfuckingnovak.tumblr.com


	2. What's Normal Anymore?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the encouragement guys, it really means a lot <3 As promised, here's chapter 2 :) I'm going to do everything I can to get a new chapter out every Monday.  
> Kudos, comments, etc. are always lovely :)

Dean woke up to the sound of Castiel turning over in his bed. That was how he learned that the cots here creaked like nobody’s business when someone moved in them.

Dean groaned and turned to shove his face into his large white pillow, trying to sleep after being awoken by the noise.

“Do they always make that goddamn sound?” Dean grumbled into the pillow, not sure if Cas could even hear him.

“Yep,” Castiel said, his voice hoarse with sleep. “But if you want to take a shower, you should probably get up now. Breakfast is in an hour.”

Dean groaned again and turned over, rubbing his eyes before staring at the ceiling.

There was no way in hell he was ready to go through with this.

After what felt like a minute or two, he looked at the clock on Cas’s bedside table and saw that his roommate was right. Breakfast was at 8, and the annoyingly light up green colors read 7:04.

_Shit._

“Guess I’m up then,” Dean said, forcing himself to sit upright and swing his legs over the side of the cot.

“Mhm, good for you,” Castiel murmured, quickly falling back asleep.

Dean sighed and looked at the floor for a while, trying to collect himself enough to actually stand. It was bad enough that now he had to start a new life in a goddamn mental ward, but now he had to adjust everything he did according to  the schedule of the place.

Dean knew he didn’t have the right to complain, just like Cas said, but he couldn’t help feeling annoyed and pissed at himself for letting himself get this far. If he’d just seen that therapist his mom had wanted him to a few months ago, maybe he wouldn’t be in this headspace that landed him here.

He stood and immediately felt his head start spinning from moving too quickly.

Groaning, Dean rubbed his temples and stood in place while he waited for the room to come back into focus. The day was definitely not off to a promising start.

He put on his shoes and walked over to his dresser, picking out a change of clothes as well.

He took a deep breath and opened the door to their room, surprised it didn’t squeak on its hinges like everything else seemed to.

When Dean made his way down the hallway he realized he didn’t have a solid idea of where the showers were. There was no way he was going to go back to his room just to bug Cas about it though, so he decided to keep walking until he either found his way back to the front desk or came across an orderly doing their rounds. It wasn’t like he was pressed for time, and he wanted to try to familiarize himself with the layout of the floor. 

When Dean had almost passed the doors to the library, someone walked out and startled him in the relative silence.

“You alright? Breakfast isn’t for another 45 minutes,” the man said. He was kind of short with dark blonde hair and golden eyes, in his 30s.

“Uh, yeah. I’m new and I wanted to shower before I ate,” Dean explained, trying not to be awkward.

“Sure, no problem,” the man said. “I’m Gabe, by the way. I’m one of the orderlies.”

“Kinda figured from all the uh, white,” Dean said, vaguely gesturing to Gabe’s starch white uniform shirt, pants, and shoes. It was a dead giveaway as to who the employees were. “But nice to meet you.”

“No need to be formal. Makes me feel old,” Gabe said, smiling. “This way to the shower area.” He motioned in exaggeration down the hallway and started walking.

“I’m Dean by the way,” Dean said after realizing he’d never given his name.

“I know,” Gabe said, glancing over at him as they kept walking. “All the employees on this floor get told when there’s a newbie. You’re the first one in a while, so you’re already kind of a celebrity.”

“Oh god,” Dean groaned.

Even though it made sense that people who worked in the ward knew he was there, it felt strange knowing everyone saw him as the latest basket case and could place him by name because of it.

“Keep your head up, Dean,” Gabe said, opening a door with one of the dozens of keys on his ID lanyard. “You can get through this.”

It was cheesy as fuck, but it somehow made Dean feel better. Maybe it was because Gabe wasn’t trying to convince him that this was the best place on earth and he’d leave a totally changed man or anything…he was just giving him confidence that he’d eventually muddle through.

“Thanks, man,” Dean said, trying to follow through on Gabe’s request to not be formal.

“No problem,” Gabe said with the hint of a sad smile on his face. There was sympathy in his eyes, like he understood what Dean was going through.

“Sorry I have to be here with you while you do this,” Gabe said, turning around so he faced the opposite wall of the showers. “I think it’s kind of excessive, but what can you do?”

“It’s okay,” Dean said, taking his shirt and pants off, followed by his boxers.

He set his change of clothes near the showers, but not close enough that they’d get sprayed with water.

“How do you work this?” Dean asked, staring at the shower head.

“You have to turn the knob to the left for hot water and pull it out to make the water come out of the shower head,” Gabe explained.

Dean did as he was instructed, and soon the water was warm enough to step into.

Even though Gabe seemed like a cool guy, what followed was the most awkward 10 minutes of Dean’s life. He’d never been in the same room as someone else when he showered, and it didn’t help that much to know Gabe wasn’t looking.

When he was in the middle of conditioning his hair with the small bottle of product the ward provided, Dean got lost in his head.

What was Sam doing right now? If it was 7:30 he would have just left for school. Off to see his friends, maybe talking to that girl Jess he’d been so obsessed with lately. Knowing Sam, he might even be studying for some test he has this morning.

And Ash, what was he doing? He was Dean’s best and only friend besides Sam, and he didn’t even know Dean was here. The last time Ash had come to see him was before Dean knew he was going to be stuck in the ward. Hopefully Sam would know it was okay to tell him if Ash asked where he was.

Right now Ash was probably fumbling to get into his car so he wouldn’t be late to school like he was every morning.

The thought of everyone going through their normal daily routines made Dean’s heart ache a little. It was the little things like not being able to drive Sam in, not being able to talk to Ash before classes started, and missing breakfast with his mom and dad that really got to him.

Dean’s heart stopped for a moment while he stood under the water, letting the conditioner rinse out of his hair.

His dad.

Dad wasn’t around anymore…and he knew that he’d had about two weeks to get used to the concept, but it wasn’t something you could just _adjust_ to. Dean’s father had been around his whole life, and even though they didn’t see eye to eye very often, he missed him.

It certainly didn’t help that Dean had watched him die in the car that night and re-lived it when he slept every night since then. Dean got night terrors every once in a while when he was recovering from his injuries, and so far none of the medications he’d tried had helped subside them. They were still infrequent, but the intensity just kept getting worse. So far that was the worst of his PTSD that he’d come across, aside from the occasional flashback when he heard a loud noise.

Dean was thankful he hadn’t suffered from one last night, even though he was expecting to. His first night in a new place seemed like a good reason for his mind to flip out on him while he slept, but for some reason he had been alright. Freaking Cas out had been his main concern, even though he couldn’t tell if it would’ve bothered him or not.

“Everything’s fucked,” Dean muttered under his breath as he turned the shower off.

He knew he wasn’t supposed to think about his father or anything when he could help it, but that was difficult when it was something he could never forget.

Dean wouldn’t let it slip his mind that he was ridden with horrendous anxiety. He was plagued with near constant mood swings that were getting progressively more noticeable, and it was starting to make sense that he was bi-polar.

Dean grabbed one of the many towels that hung on a nearby wall and dried himself off before putting his other clothes on.

“Are you decent?” Gabe asked from his corner.

“Yeah,” Dean answered, running his hands through his now damp hair.

“Cool. Come on, I’ll walk you back to your room,” Gabe said.

“It’s not breakfast yet?” Dean asked.

“Nope,” he replied. “This is kind of the only exception other than the bathroom that patients are allowed out of their rooms after lights out, before breakfast. Some of the rules here suck ass, but it’s up to the state, not me.”

“I get that,” Dean said, following Gabe when he opened the door.

With an armful of the clothes he slept in and a heavy heart, Dean caught up to walk next to Gabe.

“What room are you in?” he asked.

“323,” Dean said.

“So you’re who wound up with Cas,” Gabe said, interested.

“Yeah. He’s not that bad,” Dean said, unsure of what Gabe meant by his comment.

“Oh believe me, I know,” Gabe said. “He’s one of my favorite patients. Got a mouth on him, but he cares.”

“That’s what I’m getting,” Dean said. “I’ve only known him a day, and he seems pretty complicated, but I like him.”

“He’s had a _really_ hard life,” Gabe said with a sigh, looking down at the floor. “My heart goes out to him, and I feel sorry he’s had to go through what he’s experienced…but don’t tell him I said that. It’s just that he wants to get better so badly. I mean, I’ve never seen anyone try as hard as he has to get better…we’re doing everything we can, but it’s difficult for him to make progress.”

Dean was almost certain that he wasn’t supposed to be hearing all of this, but he didn’t exactly have anyone to talk about it with; not to mention he didn’t have the desire to.

A sinking feeling made its way into Dean’s stomach as he thought about the possibilities of him not getting much better with time either.

He’d tried some things on his own at his house, like writing in a journal and screaming into a pillow. Nothing had ever worked. And yeah, now he was somewhere that focused on what it meant to improve mentally, but what if _still_ nothing worked?

It was when they reached Dean’s door that he realized he hadn’t said anything that entire time.

“And here we are,” Gabe said, motioning to the door.

“Sorry, Gabe, I kind of spaced out,” Dean said apologetically.  “But uh, thanks for letting me shower and taking me back.”

“Anytime,” Gabe said, smiling.

Dean put his hand up in a slight wave as he opened the door to his and Cas’s room.

The clock said it was 7:57 am, and Cas was putting on a pair of pants.  
“You’re back,” Castiel commented when he heard the door open.

“Yep,” Dean said. “Almost ready?”

“Yeah,” Cas said. “Skinny jeans are a bitch, but it’ll take me two seconds.”

After a moment of struggling with the end of the pant leg he was on, Castiel stood up and ran his fingers through his hair, trying to make it look messy.

“You actually do that to get your hair to look crazy?” Dean asked in a teasing tone.

“Every day,” Cas said proudly. “I never know how it looks since there aren’t any fucking mirrors, but at least this way I know it’s presentable…and if I’m already crazy, why not look the part?”

“There aren’t any mirrors?” Dean asked. He hadn’t noticed up until now, it was true. There weren’t mirrors anywhere.

“No,” Castiel confirmed. “Once again, safety hazard. Basically everything except breathing is considered a potential danger to us…I only have a general idea of what I look like these days. I haven’t seen my face in a mirror in three months.”

Dean’s eyes widened. “That must be weird,” he said. “But hey, I’m sure that’ll be the case with me too.”

“I hope not,” Cas said, stepping closer to Dean. He put a hand in the center of Dean’s chest before turning his attention back to Dean’s eyes. “You’re strong, Dean. I can tell. This isn’t it for you.”

Suddenly the atmosphere in the room had gotten a lot heavier, and Dean didn’t know how to deal with it.

“Personal space, Cas,” Dean said, staring down at the other boy’s hand.

Castiel somewhat reluctantly withdrew his hand and smirked up at him.

“You’ll learn pretty quickly I’m not good with boundaries,” Cas said. “Come on, let’s get some food.”

Dean was glad he didn’t have to respond to that, because he wasn’t sure how to.

He followed Castiel down several hallways, starting to get the hang of where everything was.

“So I finally get to meet these friends you claim to have?” Dean asked, remembering what Cas had told him the other day.

“You say that like you don’t believe me,” Cas said.

When they entered the dining hall, they made their way through the food line. Dean wound up getting pancakes and bacon and Castiel got a waffle and some coffee.

“They’re over there,” Castiel said, gesturing to a table on the right side of the room with two other teenagers, a guy and girl around their age.

“Bring it on,” Dean said, following Cas over to them.

“Hey Cas,” the guy greeted. He had dark curly hair and a nervous smile, not to mention he was still wearing his robe, but seemed nice.

“Hey Chuck,” Castiel replied. “Chuck, this is Dean; Dean, this is Chuck and Becky.”

“Hey,” Dean said, trying to give them as genuine a smile as he could manage.

The girl, Becky, had straight blonde hair and braces when she grinned back at Dean.  

“Hi Dean,” Becky said enthusiastically, scooting over so he could sit next to her.

Chuck mirrored the movement so Cas could sit next to him, and they all got situated at the table.

“Hey Dean,” Chuck greeted, flashing that nervous smile again.

“Hey Chuck; Becky,” Dean said, turning his attention to each of them. “I’ve got to say, I almost didn’t think it was true when Cas said he had friends here.”

That wasn’t entirely honest, but Dean thought he needed some kind of opening statement that would get them to like him.

He got what he wanted when Chuck laughed and Becky smiled at him.

“He’s not the easiest guy to get along with, that’s for sure,” Becky said teasingly.

“Oh come on, I’m a joy,” Castiel said defensively.

“We’re all aware, Cas,” Chuck said before rearranging his food over and over again on his plate.

He must have noticed Dean staring at him while he was doing so and looked at him pointedly. It was clear Chuck wasn’t irritated about the confusion, and in fact turned out to be willing to address it.

“OCD,” Chuck stated simply. “It used to be a lot worse.”

“That sucks,” Dean said, not wanting to necessarily apologize.

He hated it when everyone said they felt sorry for him because he was suffering, and it seemed wrong to do the same to someone else. Treating people that had issues like they were just like anyone else was important, at least to Dean…because that’s what they were: people.

“Yeah, kinda,” Chuck said. “But I found out I’m a pretty good writer because of it. Helps distract me.”

“Awesome,” Dean said. “What do you write?”

“Fiction,” Chuck replied. “Just lame short stories that don’t make a whole lot of sense; anything that gets me out of that obsessive mindset, you know?”

“He doesn’t just write _lame short stories_ ,” Becky said like she took personal offense to the comment. “They’re the best books I’ve ever read. And yeah, Chuck, they’re books. Give yourself some credit.”

Dean raised his eyebrows and looked at Becky.

“How good are they?” Dean asked.

“Oh my god, don’t even get me started,” Becky said enthusiastically.

“Please don’t get her started,” Chuck said.

Dean laughed, starting to feel better than he had an hour ago. Maybe these people really could help him get through his stay.

“Becky gets…excited about Chuck and his writing,” Cas said, moving his gaze pointedly between the two of them. “If you ask me, they should just fuck and get it over with.”

“Cas,” Chuck groaned painfully, blushing as he glanced down at his food in obvious discomfort.

“Maybe we would if we weren’t surrounded by orderlies all the time,” Becky said, annoyed.

“Don’t encourage him, Becky,” Chuck said jokingly.

“You know that’s just how he talks,” Becky replied, rolling her eyes at Cas as she flicked a piece of her waffle at him.

“No throwing, Miss Rosen,” Castiel chided as he picked the piece of food off his tray and ate it.

Dean smiled to himself as he ate his food, content to watch the way they interacted with each other. If he didn’t know any better, he’d say they were all at school eating lunch together.

“So, where do you go to school, Dean?” Becky asked.

“Lawrence High,” Dean answered, side glancing at Castiel.

“Apparently we admired each other from afar while I went there,” Cas said, winking at Dean.

“You went to school with Cas?” Chuck asked, taking his first bite of the pancake on his plate since he started cutting it apart and rearranging it.

“Yeah, for like a month,” Dean said. “We didn’t talk, but I knew who he was.”

“And how could someone not know who the great Dean Winchester was when they went to Lawrence?” Castiel joked.

“You’re popular, then?” Becky asked excitedly.

“Uh,” Dean said, not sure of how to approach the question.

“When I was there, he ruled the whole fucking place,” Castiel said.

“I wouldn’t go that far,” Dean said quickly in a failed attempt to be casual.

He really didn’t want to get into his breakdown that led to him losing all of the people he thought were his friends. In the span of a month and a half he’d gone from being decently popular amongst the senior class to being just another face that a few people even hated.

Everyone else must have noticed the sudden silence from Dean, and the subject was dropped.

“What do you have after breakfast, Dean?” Chuck asked, trying to make conversation.

“I’ve got group next,” Dean said.

“So do I,” Chuck said. “You do too, right Cas?”

“Yep,” Castiel said.

“I’ve got art,” Becky chimed in. “Which I suck at, so hopefully the supervisor just lets me sit there. Maybe I can even get away with writing instead.”

“Jesus, Becky, stop with the creepy fanfiction about what Chuck writes,” Cas said. “It makes everyone feel weird, especially when you show it to us.”

“It’s fun,” Becky said with a shrug. “Besides, it’s not my fault he can’t see when two of his characters are meant to be.”

“They’re _brothers,_ ” Chuck said, over-enunciating every syllable to make his point.

“And why does that matter?” Becky asked.

“Okay, we’re not gonna traumatize Dean his first full day here, guys,” Cas interjected. “Besides, breakfast’s over anyway.”

Dean looked over at the clock and saw that it was 9 am. A bell didn’t sound or anything, but everyone got up to empty their trays and walked out.

“No ‘end of class’ announcement or anything like that?” Dean asked, getting up with the others to throw away the remainder of their food.

“Nope,” Chuck said. “Things like that kinda freak out the more sensitive patients, so everyone just leaves. If you don’t realize it’s the end of a meal, the orderlies come over and tell you though.”

“Alright,” Dean said.

They walked out of the dining hall together and Becky took a left while they took a right. “See you guys later,” she called.

“See ya,” they all responded at slightly different times.

“What even _is_ group therapy?” Dean asked, following Cas and Chuck down the hallway Castiel had told him all of their activities were in.

“It’s a little weird at first,” Cas said. “You basically vent about your problems in front of a bunch of other people and a therapist. It’s supposed to help build confidence in talking about how you feel with others or some shit. You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to though; that’s why they have private therapy…which you kind of _do_ have to talk during.”

“Group’s mainly how we make friends,” Chuck said. “Most of us are too sad or anxious to talk to people in the dining hall or anything, so in group you can kind of get to know people without directly talking to them. It was how I got the nerve to talk to Becky, actually…Cas just kind of came up to me one day.”

“I was a bitch the first week or so I was here,” Castiel said. “After I decided to get over myself, I talked to Chuck during breakfast. He seemed nice enough; plus it’s fun and easy to embarrass him.”

“Shut up,” Chuck retorted.

Castiel stopped in front of one of the doors they passed and held it open for Chuck and Dean to go through.

“Thanks,” Dean acknowledged.

“Anytime,” Cas said, following him.

When they got inside, Dean saw about 10 chairs arranged in a circle. There were two other teenagers already sitting down on opposite sides of the circle from each other, avoiding eye contact.

“Hey Lucifer,” Cas greeted, sitting next to one of the boys.

Dean sat down next to Cas, and Chuck sat next to Dean.

The guy Castiel was sitting next to, Lucifer, was staring intently at the floor. Suddenly Dean remembered how Cas had mentioned the other day that Lucifer had a lot of schizophrenic episodes.

“Hey Cas,” Lucifer said, snapping his head up when he heard his name. He had circles under his eyes, short and messy blonde hair, and extremely worn clothes.

“This is Dean; he’s new here,” Castiel introduced as he gestured to Dean, who waved.

“Hey Dean,” Lucifer greeted.

“Hey Lucifer,” Dean replied somewhat awkwardly.

“You’re Cas’s friend?” he asked.

“Uh, yeah I guess,” Dean said, unsure of where he stood exactly with Castiel.

“Nice to meet you,” he said. “I’m probably the craziest psycho in this joint, so I’m all you have to worry about.”

It was said in a joking tone, but Dean found it hard to play along and laugh with the others.

“First group then?” Lucifer continued.

“Yeah,” Dean verified. “I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do.”  
“Do whatever you want,” Castiel said. “Talk, don’t talk, it doesn’t matter all that much…Rufus is gonna try to make you though.”

“Rufus?” Dean asked.

“The group therapist,” Cas explained. “You’ll like him; he makes this whole atmosphere a lot less depressing.”

“It doesn’t feel that depressing in here,” Dean commented, looking around the room.

Several more patients had arrived while they were talking, filling up the chairs. A few of them were speaking in hushed voices to one another, keeping to themselves, and some were sitting alone.

“You’d be surprised; shit gets that way pretty fast,” Castiel said. “All it takes is one comment and the next thing you know a giant cloud looms over everyone’s heads for the rest of the session.”

“I’ll try not to be that guy then,” Dean said.

Cas gave a slight smirk and nudged Dean playfully as a man walked into the room.

He was tall, dark-skinned, and he kind of reminded Dean of his uncle Bobby.

“How’s everyone doing today?” the man, who had to be Rufus, greeted everyone.

“I’m _fantastic_ , Rufus, how are you?” one of the other patients, a girl that hadn’t spoken since she entered the room, said sarcastically. She had a fake smile on her face, and Dean narrowed his eyes at her inadvertently.

“What the hell are you staring at?” she snapped when she noticed Dean’s glare.

“Spare us the bitchfit, Ruby,” Castiel said, rolling his eyes in annoyance.

“Language,” Rufus said in a warning tone as he sat down in the last empty chair that made up the circle. “Let’s not get into a fight this early in the morning. It’s not good for anyone’s blood pressure; especially mine. Now I see we have a new addition to the group; want to tell us your name, maybe a little about yourself?”

Dean shifted uncomfortably in his seat a few times, practically able to _feel_ the giant spotlight that had been put on him.

“I’m Dean,” he said, glancing around at everyone in the circle. “And uh, there’s not much to tell.”

“I doubt that,” Rufus said, reclining in his chair and crossing his legs while he took out a notebook to write in. “You sure there’s nothing you want to tell us about yourself?”

“Not really, no,” Dean said.

Rufus scribbled something down in his notebook and it instantly made Dean feel uneasy. He didn’t like feeling analyzed, let alone having notes taken about his personality right in front of him.

“Well that’s alright,” Rufus assured him. “Today we’re all going to share a memory we have of a good time with a loved one. Garth, would you like to start?”

A short haired blond guy, who was kind of nerdy-looking and seemed shy, perked up at being mentioned.

“I guess,” he said. “There was this one time my mom let me ditch school to be with her for the day. I know that sounds kinda lame, but I really love my mom and it was the best day of my life. We uh; we went out to lunch at my favorite restaurant…it was at this diner a few streets down from our house. After, we went back home and watched old movies together until dinner. It doesn’t seem like a lot, but it was really fun; I never got to do anything like that before, and haven’t since. And I mean, she didn’t know it then, but I was having a pretty bad time when she did that…and I think it was just what I needed to get by a little while longer, you know? It was nice to spend time with her and be able to breathe for a day.”

“That’s fantastic, Garth,” Rufus said. “I hope you get to do that again sometime, it sounds like a lot of fun.”

Garth nodded, clearly not wanting the attention to be on him anymore.

“Ruby?” Rufus suggested.

“No,” she said firmly.

“Alright, put the claws away,” Rufus said, writing something down.

“I’ll go,” Chuck offered.

“Thanks Chuck,” Rufus said. “A volunteer from you is pretty rare.”

“Yeah, I don’t know what’s gotten into me,” Chuck said, running a hand through his hair nervously. “I’m trying to get past my fear of speaking in group, I guess. But I remember when my dad first tried to teach me how football worked. I never liked the sport and I still don’t, but I thought it was great that he wanted to try to get me to like something he loved so much. He knew I couldn’t actually _play_ it, so we watched a game on TV together and he walked me through what everything meant. It was an insanely confusing day, but I liked that my dad was paying attention to me. That might sound kind of bad, but he didn’t really interact with me like I existed a whole lot. When he tried to teach me about football, I got to spend a day with him; and I really tried to get as into it as he was, but I couldn’t do it. There was something about it that just didn’t click with me, but it was great being with him doing something together. I think about it a lot when I get sad, and it actually helps so…I guess that’s good.”

“I’m glad you brought that up,” Rufus said. “Chuck makes an excellent point. We all have our good and bad days, and sometimes the bad are hard to get through. I know most people try to think of something that makes them happier, but I want this to be a sort of exercise to sift through the bad memories and pick out your favorite good ones…choose some of the people you love to help you get through the worse times. Granted, it’s not always gonna help, but nothing always works without fail. Try to use this session to find the memories you hold dearest to yourself, so the next time you have a bad day they’ll be right at the surface to help you.”

Dean nodded after looking around and noticing that others were acknowledging they understood what Rufus was saying.

“I really want this to help you guys,” Rufus finished. “So, anyone else have a memory they want to share?”

“I remember coming out to my sister,” Castiel said.

Dean’s eyes widened slightly and he turned to look at Cas, who smirked at him. He knew that Cas had been flirting with him, but half of him thought that it was just to make him feel uncomfortable.

“Unlike my dad, she was really cool about it…and I’m really thankful for that,” Castiel continued. “My brother had figured it out years before I came out, and he told me so when I tried to tell him. Then I thought about how I was gonna tell my sister and I was convinced it was gonna be this huge deal where I’d sit her down and explain that I was still her brother and all that. You guys know me, I don’t care what people think; but I cared how Anna saw me. She was one of the only things in my life that had been a constant, always there for me no matter what. Even though I never went to her with my problems or anything, it was nice just knowing she was there. Anyways, one day I asked her to come into my room and talk. Once I sat down next to her, every shred of an outline I had for how I was gonna break it to her fell apart. The only thing I could think of to say was ‘I’m gay’, and wait for her reaction. And she just hugged me. She hugged me for the longest time and said ‘I know…and I still love you. That doesn’t make any difference to me.’ I think that was the first time I ever cried in front of her, and we were close for a while after that. But eventually we drifted apart again and now we’re back to god knows where.”

Cas smiled sadly to himself and looked at Rufus for some sort of response.

“I’m sorry you’re not so close with Anna anymore,” Rufus said. “But it’s good that she didn’t judge you when you were afraid she would. I’m impressed, Castiel. That’s the most you’ve ever revealed about yourself here.”

“Yeah well, I don’t really care who knows about that,” Cas said. “Everyone knows I’m gay, I don’t give a shit if they know how I told my family.”

Rufus shrugged. “Regardless, thank you for being open,” he said, his pen moving across the notepad that was still resting in his lap.

Lucifer had been muttering under his breath the entire time Cas was talking, and now he was tapping his foot against the floor.

“Lucifer, are you okay?” Rufus asked.

When he got no response, Rufus repeated his name louder.

“ _No_!” Lucifer screamed, grabbing his head with shaking hands. “Stop talking! _Get out of my head_!”

Lucifer started to hit himself in the head while he screamed.

“We need a nurse in here!” Rufus called out the door as he made his way over to Lucifer, pulling the boy’s hands away from his head so he couldn’t hurt himself anymore.

Castiel scooted his chair away from Lucifer slightly, and Dean looked on with concerned eyes.

“You don’t understand!” Lucifer yelled. “They’ll kill me! They don’t believe me, and they’re gonna find me! I need to get _out_!”

“Lucifer it’s okay, no one’s going to hurt you,” Rufus tried to soothe as a nurse came in with a shot.

“No,” Lucifer whispered when he saw the needle. He thrashed around and tried to fight Rufus off of him to no avail. “No, no, no. You can’t do this, please don’t do this!” Lucifer was begging and crying, still futilely trying to move his arms.

The nurse came over to him quickly and put the needle in Lucifer’s arm after he started screaming again.

Several seconds later, Lucifer stopped struggling and fell limp, his eyes closing.

“Sorry about that, everyone,” Rufus said as the nurse carried Lucifer out of the group therapy room. “Our hour’s up, so you all can go to whatever you have next. But it’s a bad day for Lucifer right now…if you see him later I expect you all to be kind to him. You wouldn’t want someone to make fun of you for doing something like that.”

Everyone got up silently and left the room.

“What was that?” Dean asked Castiel when they were out of earshot of Rufus.

“That was what I told you about yesterday,” Cas explained. “One of Lucifer’s schizophrenic episodes. This was a relatively tame one for him, but that’s the gist of what they’re like. Kind of unsettling at first, I know.”

“Yeah, a little,” Dean agreed. He didn’t know what he was expecting, but it wasn’t exactly that.

“Well, we have an hour break until our next activity,” Cas said, raising an eyebrow at him. “What do you wanna do?’

Dean opened his mouth to answer, but was cut off by Charlie’s voice.

“Hey Dean,” the nurse called.

Dean turned around and tried to smile when he saw her. Charlie was nice, but he really wanted to spend more time with Cas without being interrupted. There was something about him that drew Dean in, and for whatever reason he didn’t want to fight it.

“Hi Charlie,” Dean said.

“Your mom and brother are here to visit you,” she said, gesturing down the hallway. “Want to come with me to go see them?”

“Yeah, sure,” Dean said, glancing back at Cas.

“You don’t need my approval,” Castiel said. “We’ll catch up at lunch. Just be sure to tell them all about me.”  
“I will,” Dean said, rolling his eyes in mock annoyance.

“You guys are getting along well,” Charlie said, taking Dean in the direction of the visiting room.

“Yeah, I like talking to him,” Dean admitted. “He’s got his quirks, but he’s cool.”

“You know, he doesn’t normally warm up to people this fast, Dean,” Charlie said, stopping in front of the door that was labeled ‘visiting room’. “He’s got Chuck and Becky, but deep down he’s a loner. I’ve never seen him take to someone as fast as you, and he could really use you in his life right now…who knows, maybe you could use him too.”

She opened the door and Dean saw his mom and Sam, taking a deep breath before going inside to talk to them. He didn’t know what he was going to say.

 

 

 

 


	3. Everything I'm Not

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter 3 you guys! I'm insanely proud of myself for being so regular about this haha.  
> Also, I finished this really late last night, so towards the end there might be some grammatical errors or awkward wording, but as soon as I get home from school I'll fix any mistakes I found :)  
> Hope you guys like it!

She opened the door and Dean saw his mom and Sam inside, taking a deep breath before going inside to talk to them. He didn’t know what he was going to say.

“Hey Dean,” Sam said when he saw his older brother.

“Hey Sammy,” Dean greeted, hugging him and then his mother. “Hi mom.”

“How are you, sweetie?” Mary asked, concerned.

Dean sat down across from them and shrugged.

“I really don’t know,” he said. “This place is intense, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to get through it…but I’m trying.”

“You can do this, Dean,” Sam said, offering him an encouraging smile. “If anyone can come out on top of all this crap, it’s you.”  
“Thanks, Sam,” Dean said with a sad smile.

He was glad that at least he didn’t have to pretend so much around his family anymore. Now they at least had some understanding that Dean wasn’t in a good enough place to be genuine.

“Have you made any friends?” Mary asked, trying to think of conversations that wouldn’t potentially upset Dean.

He could tell she was doing this, and it angered him a little bit. Everyone around here treated Dean like he was fragile, and that was the farthest thing from the truth. They all chose their words carefully and made sure they avoided sensitive subjects, like his father.

It wasn’t like Dean was pissed at his mom for not wanting to cause any trouble, but of all people his mother should know that he was capable of talking to her about anything. She didn’t need to think about every word that came out of her mouth when she spoke to him.

“Yeah, I have,” Dean said, trying to humor her. “Their names are Cas, Becky, and Chuck…Cas is actually my roommate, but we get along alright.”

“That’s great, Dean,” Mary said with borderline false enthusiasm.

He couldn’t tell if she was trying to make him feel better by showing interest or if she was relieved that he’d been social enough to make friends. Probably a little of both.

“Cas?” Sam asked. “As in Castiel Novak?”

“Woah there, creepy,” Dean said teasingly. “How do you know Cas?”

“We went to school with him for a bit,” Sam said. “Remember, the beginning of the year?”

“Of course I remember,” Dean said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “We’re in the same grade. I didn’t think you knew him.”

“I’ve talked to him before,” Sam said with a shrug. “I said hi the first few day of school since I noticed he was new, but he didn’t say anything back. He smiled, nodded, and walked away…I figured it was best to leave him alone if he didn’t wanna be bothered.”

“Sounds like him,” Dean said. “He’s cool though, and I think he feels better now. At least a little.”

“Good for him,” Sam said, giving a small smile. “Tell him I say hi, even though he probably doesn’t remember me.”

“Will do,” Dean said.

“Is everyone treating you well?” Mary asked after a semi-awkward silence.

“Yeah, they’re all really nice,” Dean said. “Orderlies _and_ patients. I mean, it was a little scary just now though. This guy in my group therapy who’s schizophrenic had some sort of attack and flipped out. I didn’t know what to do, but it was okay…apparently it happens a lot, so I have that to look forward to.” His voice was dripping with sarcasm by the end of his story, trying to lighten the mood in any way possible.

Mary’s expression instantly changed into one of worry, but before she could say anything about fearing for his safety, Dean spoke up.

“Don’t freak out about it though,” Dean said, glancing back and forth between Sam and his mom. “It’s nothing, and the guy’s okay as far as I can tell. He and Cas get along.”

“Are you sure you wouldn’t rather us transfer you to another hospital, Dean?” Mary asked. “It’s completely understandable if you don’t feel good about this place and want to try somewhere else. But you have to be honest with me.”

“I wanna stay,” Dean said without hesitation.

Ultimately, he didn’t care about the different methods of therapy that he’d get from a shitload of hospitals. Cas was the main reason he wanted to stay at Lawrence, but he didn’t want to mention that to his mother or Sam.

There was something about him that just drew Dean in, and made him want to know more about him. The way he talked and carried himself were enough to interest Dean, and the more he got to know him, the more Dean wanted to be friends with him. He wanted to know Castiel’s story and help him through the rough patches in his recovery, not to mention he was having some conflicting ideas about how much he wanted to kiss that stupid smirk off Cas’s face whenever it was directed at him.

“Okay,” Dean’s mom said, trying her best to smile. “But if you ever feel like you’re not getting the help you need from the doctors here you let me know. We can have you in a better program somewhere else in no time.” Her tone had changed to the one she used on the boys when they were younger and she was trying to help them understand something…now it just felt condescending.

“Mom, stop treating him like he’s gonna break any second,” Sam retorted as he rolled his eyes at her. “We get you’re trying to be the supportive parent, but you don’t need to use that voice you talked to us in when we were five.”

Mary looked slightly taken aback by Sam’s comment as she struggled for words to respond with. Dean raised an eyebrow, impressed at his little brother’s newfound boldness.

Then Dean’s stomach dropped at the thought that Sam might be changing. He wasn’t around to know if Sam’s behavior had changed since he’d been hospitalized, so there was no way he could genuinely see how much this was affecting him. And if this _was_ messing with Sam,Dean would feel that much guiltier if he knew that it was all his fault.

“I’m sorry, Sam,” their mom apologized. “I’ll try not to do that. It’s hard to know how to say anything anymore…” Her voice trailed off and Sam and Dean could tell she was having a hard time holding herself together.

“I just really want you to be safe, Dean,” she continued. “That’s all I was trying to say.”

“I know what you meant mom,” Dean said. “It’s okay; it means a lot that you care so much about me getting better.”

Mary gave the best smile she could muster and looked down at her lap, fidgeting with her fingers.

“Do anything in school today, Sam?” Dean asked, turning his attention to his brother.

“Not really,” Sam said. “I talked to Ash though. Told him you were here, I hope that’s okay.”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Dean replied. “I was hoping you would; I kinda want him to come visit sometime.”

The rest of Dean’s time with his mom and Sam mainly consisted of them talking about Sam’s day at school and the girl he’d had his eye on for who knows how long: Jess.

Dean tried to convince him to ask her out, but so far Sam had admitted he was too intimidated.

“Well when you finally get the balls to ask her out, tell me,” Dean said with a teasing smile.

“Sorry Dean, your hour’s up,” the nurse who had been waiting outside the door during Dean’s visit interjected from the doorway.

“Okay, thanks,” Dean acknowledged as he stood up. “And thanks for coming you guys. It makes this first day a little easier on me.”

“You’re welcome,” Mary said, giving Dean a hug.

“No problem, Dean,” Sam said, hugging him after their mom was done. “I’ll come over whenever I can.”

“I’ll hold you to that,” Dean said.

Despite the ward being nicer than Dean thought it was going to be, he liked seeing Sam and his mom. It at least gave him the illusion of being in the living room with them, talking like any other day.

“Bye Dean,” Sam called as he walked out the door that the nurse held open.

“Goodbye Dean; I love you,” his mom said as she followed Sam down a hallway that Dean couldn’t see into.

“It’s lunch time,” the nurse commented as Dean exited the small room as well. “You have a good idea where the dining hall is?”

“Yeah, thanks,” Dean said.

He made his way to the lunch room and once again had a meal with Cas, Chuck, and Becky.

There wasn’t much variety in the way of food, but Dean wasn’t picky when it came to that. Hell, greasy diner food was one of his favorite things, so he was far from complaining about a plain buffet.

During their meal, they all talked about how their days were going so far. No one had seen Lucifer since group, and apparently when that happened he stayed in solitary for a day or two.

“You’re normally in solitary for at least a week,” Castiel explained after he finished chewing a bite of the salad he’d gotten. “It’s more of a punishment for the patients who don’t cooperate, but Lucifer mainly goes there to calm himself down for a while.”

“So it’s kind of a scare tactic to get patients to do what they’re told?” Dean asked.

“Kind of,” Chuck said. “Most of us don’t need any encouragement to do what the orderlies say, but we all know solitary’s there. It’s a looming threat we don’t really want to get involved in.”

“Yeah,” Becky said. “Chuck and I have never been, but we’ve heard enough about it not to try anything stupid with the supervisors.”

“Basically after you get the warning about solitary, you shut up and put your head down,” Castiel continued with a shrug. “That doesn’t happen for everyone though.”

Dean desperately wanted to ask Castiel why he went to solitary and what it was like, but figured it was best not to ask…pretty much like everything else with Cas.

That was something Dean wasn’t particularly fond of. He was told to come to Cas with any problem he was having, but Castiel refused to do the same with him. Granted, it made a little sense since Dean had only just had the first therapy session of his life, but still. You didn’t need to go to therapy to be able to give someone potentially good advice.

Despite what the other patients in here most likely thought, since Dean was new, he had a lot of life experience. He’d dealt with shit he’d rather not revisit ever again and somehow ended up relatively okay. Even though he was here, there were a lot worse places he could have ended up.

Suddenly everyone around them stood up and walked to the trash cans, throwing away the remainder of their food.

“Lunch is over?” Dean asked, disappointed.

“Guess so,” Castiel responded. “It’s time for your individual therapy, right?”

“Yeah,” Dean said, standing up to empty his tray.

“You’ll be fine,” Cas said, like he could sense Dean was a little nervous about it. “Broken record, but Crowley knows what he’s doing. And it’s only your first session; he’s not gonna ask you to break down and cry.”

Dean took a deep breath as he walked to the door with Castiel, Chuck, and Becky.

“You’ve got Crowley?” Becky asked. “You lucked out. Everyone here wishes they had him. He spends a lot of time with the patients; gets to know them, even if they’re not the ones he gets to talk to. It’s kinda cool…he talks to us like we’re normal, you know?”

“And what’s so great about being normal?” Cas asked, raising an eyebrow at her.

“You know what I mean, smartass,” Becky teased. “Some of the nurses around here talk to us like we’re toddlers, and it’s awful. Just because we have issues doesn’t make us any less relatable.”

“Yeah, I know,” Cas said. “I think of that as more of a human thing, rather than ‘normal.’ I don’t want to be treated like some average kid; I want to be treated like a person.”

“That makes sense,” Dean agreed. “Normal is boring as shit anyways.”

“Look at you with the clichés,” Castiel joked, smirking at him.

“I can’t help it if it’s true,” Dean said with a shrug. “I’ve never wanted to be normal either.”

They made their way out of the dining hall, where Chuck and Becky split off to get to their art class some faster way.

“Want me to help you find your room?” Castiel asked.

“Aren’t they all in the same hallway?” Dean asked in return.

“So? I want to walk you there,” Cas stated. “You can’t take a hint, can you?”  
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Dean asked, narrowing his eyes at the other boy slightly. He knew that Castiel was giving off the feeling he might be interested in him, but it wasn’t something Dean could believe without speculation.

Cas rolled his eyes. “Just come on,” he said.

Dean followed him to the main hallway with all the rooms. They stopped in front of a door that was marked: PRIVATE THERAPY WITH CROWLEY MCLEOD.

“This is where I jump off,” Castiel said, leaning against the doorframe. “My class is back down the hall a ways.”

“See you after this then,” Dean said.

“Good luck,” Castiel said.

He stroked Dean’s arm softly as he walked away, and Dean honestly couldn’t tell if it was supposed to be a comforting or flirtatious gesture…probably both.

Dean opened the door and saw Crowley sitting on a beat up leather chair across from an old but somewhat inviting yellow couch.

“Hey Dean,” Crowley greeted, looking up from the notebook he was writing in.

“Hi Crowley,” Dean replied.

He stood up and walked over to greet Dean, shaking his hand.

“Have a seat,” Crowley offered as he sat back down, gesturing to the couch.

Dean sat down wordlessly and shifted his weight from one leg to the other, running a hand through his hair like he occasionally did when he was nervous.

“Rough first day, huh?” Crowley asked, taking the cap off his pen as he turned to a blank page in the notepad now resting on his lap.

“I don’t know,” Dean answered. That was how he’d been answering everything he was asked today…he really didn’t have a clue about how he felt. “I mean, it’s been okay. I saw my mom and brother before lunch.”

“Was it nice to see them again?” Crowley questioned.

“Yeah,” Dean said. “I mean, my mom can be overbearing and stuff, but I guess that’s kind of how moms are. My little brother’s alright.”

“You two don’t get along then?” Crowley commented, noticing Dean’s word choice.

“No, we get along great,” Dean revised. “He just seemed different. He’s normally so…I don’t know…alive. When I looked at him in that room I didn’t see the same Sam.”

“He might not see the same Dean either,” Crowley said. “It’s good that you have a healthy relationship with your brother; I think that’s important. But he just lost his father and now you’re in here. I’m not trying to be the bad guy in bringing that up, but he probably feels alone right now. Even though he has your mother at home, that’s all he really has.”

Dean nodded. He understood that Crowley was trying to make a point, but it was hard to swallow.

“You’re right,” Dean said. “I can’t help but feel a little guilty about that, you know? I was the one who helped him through shit like this, and now I have to sit back and be the _cause_ of shit he has to deal with more or less by himself.”

“That’s a rough way to look at things,” Crowley said, jotting down a note.  “Why do you think you’re the reason Sam might be having a hard time?”

“Because I’m here,” Dean said, gesturing to the office around him. “I was in the car when our dad died, and that sucked enough as it was. I knew I would have to help Sam deal with it, and I can’t do that from here.”

“So you feel guilty because you’re not there to help Sam deal with the tragedy,” Crowley re-iterated. “But have you ever stopped to consider that maybe Sam’s handling everything to the best of his abilities? I’d be willing to put money on the fact that he’s seeing a therapist about it. And your mental health shouldn’t get pushed out of the equation, Dean. You want to be there for Sam, but who’s there for you?”

“I don’t know,” Dean sighed. “No one…I don’t really think I need anyone.”

“Well clearly that’s not true,” Crowley said. “Look, Dean. I can tell you don’t like to admit you need help. You seem like the kind of guy who goes through life burying his emotions because it’s easier that way. And I’ll say something not a lot of therapists will admit, but it _is_ easier that way…for a while anyway. The problem is that when we force our emotions down, when they eventually get let out it’s that much worse. I’ve seen people get destroyed because of the shit they hide away from the world. No matter what, one day it’ll all rise to the surface and blow up in your face. It’s your choice if you want to start to express how you’re feeling while you’re here or not, but trust me when I say that you’re not gonna get anywhere if you keep up what you’re doing. One day it’s gonna backfire on you.”

“I don’t think I have to worry about that for a while,” Dean said, glancing at the floor. He was still extremely reluctant to talk to anyone about how he felt.

“I don’t think you believe that,” Crowley said. “I get it, though. You want to be the person other people come to, not the one that needs to vent to someone else. But here, you can talk to me. Hell, that’s what I’m here for. I can see that deep down you know you want to let it all out…you’re just afraid to, for one reason or another.”

“I guess,” Dean said. He knew Crowley was right.

“Do you know why you’re afraid?” Crowley asked curiously.

“It means I’m giving up,” Dean answered. “If I go to someone and spill my guts to them about how shitty I feel all the time, it means I’m weak. I should be able to handle myself without breaking down. It’s not that I haven’t tried the stereotypical home therapy stuff. I’ve written in a journal, screamed until I almost passed out and everything in between. None of it worked.”

Crowley nodded understandingly. “Those kinds of things don’t work for everyone,” he said. “But it doesn’t mean you’re weak if you choose to talk about your problems, Dean. If anything, it proves how strong you are. Like I said, it’s the easy way out to ignore all your problems. By letting someone know how you really feel, it shows that you’re strong enough to admit you need help. Not many people can do that.”

“That’s how things have always been,” Dean said. “And now I have to be here for my mom and my little brother and I don’t know how I’m supposed to do that all the time.”

“No one says you have to,” Crowley offered with a shrug. “It’s admirable that you care about them so much, but it’s not your job to constantly protect them. You put this unrealistic pressure on yourself to be there for them because you’re an instinctively caring person.”

“I don’t know if I’d go that far,” Dean murmured.

“I can see it,” Crowley said. “You’re a senior, right?”

“Yeah,” Dean affirmed.

“So what would you do if you saw one of your classmates beating up a freshman in the hallway?” Crowley asked. “Or anywhere for that matter?”

“I’d tell them to stop,” Dean said without hesitation. “I’d make them back off and ask the kid if they were okay.”

“See? You care, even about a hypothetical stranger,” Crowley said with a smile. “It might seem strange, but the majority of people wouldn’t say anything. They’d probably feel bad for the kid, but they wouldn’t do something about it. Sorry to break it to you, Dean, but you’ve got a big heart. Macho attitude or not, you do.”

“So you’re saying it’s because I care too much that I landed myself in here?” Dean asked.

“Not at all,” Crowley clarified. “I’m saying that you don’t have to carry the weight of the world for the sake of others. Your thought process is that you need to protect people and get nothing in return.”

“Because I don’t deserve anything in return,” Dean said like it was obvious.

“I disagree,” Crowley said. “You mean to tell me that after the countless good things you’ve done for other people, you shouldn’t get anything in return?”

Dean shrugged, unable to think of a good argument.

“Because I think you deserve to feel better about yourself for a change,” Crowley said. “You’re decent at hiding it, but I can tell you aren’t as okay as you pretend to be. You see this kid?”

He held up a picture of Dean from when he was 15 years old from his file.

“How did you get that?” Dean asked.

“Your mother gave it to me when she heard I was your therapist,” he explained. “I’m not keeping it by any means, but I put it in your file until she comes back to get it because I thought it would help me convey a message. This kid has light in his eyes…he’s happy.”

“That kid’s long gone,” Dean said, breathing out a dark laugh.

“Wrong answer,” Crowley said. “He’s still there. You can fight this, Dean. Everyone goes through a bad time in their lives, and some people have a harder time coming out of it than others. But no matter what, the fact that you were like this once is a good sign.”

“I don’t know if I can ever be that way again,” Dean confessed sadly.

“It might be the hardest thing you’ve ever done; I’m not going to lie to you,” Crowley said. “But you can do it. Do you _want_ to get better?”

“Yeah, I do,” Dean answered. “I’m scared though. I mean, I’ve felt this way for so long, I don’t know anything else at this point.”

“That’s a pretty common fear,” Crowley said. “Think about it this way though. Would you rather be miserable the rest of your life because that’s just what you’re used to, or feel everything so you can live the way you know you deserve to?”

“You’re good,” Dean commented, putting his hands up in mock surrender. “I want to feel things, but you’ll probably have to push me. There’s no way I’d be able to do it on my own.”

“I’m fine with being pushy,” Crowley said. “If that’s what you want from me, I’ll do it.”

“I think that’s the only way anyone’s gonna get through to me,” Dean said. “I’m hard-headed.”

“It’s good you know what’s going to work for you,” Crowley stated. “Not many people do. It can get a little awkward with me trying a million different therapy techniques on them. I’m sure a few of my patients thought I was crazy from all the random stuff I made them try.”

Dean smiled at him, feeling slightly more comfortable around Crowley.

“Unfortunately, our hour is up,” Crowley said. “But my office is always open to you, and Cas can show you where that is if you ever need to talk. I don’t have much of a life, so odds are if I’m not here I’m at my apartment sleeping.”

“Thanks,” Dean said, standing up.

“See you tomorrow, Dean,” Crowley called from his chair.

“See ya,” Dean replied as he walked out the door and closed it behind him.

He might not have been expecting much from the appointment, but Dean’s chest felt somewhat lighter. Cas was right; Crowley _does_ get it.

It hadn’t felt like an interrogation, or even an analysis of his personality. Overall, it seemed like he was having a conversation and getting a little advice out of it.

Dean had never outright thought of himself as having a big heart or being a caring person. Sure, he knew some traits like that were built into his hardwiring, but he’d never spent any time thinking about it like that.

He took a deep breath and walked down the hallway some more. Dean didn’t have anywhere else to go, since today all he had were the two therapy sessions.

As Dean walked down the hallway, hoping he could find the way back to his and Cas’s room, he stopped.

One of the doors was open ajar, and there was an amazing singing voice coming out of it, along with the sound of an acoustic guitar.

Unable to help himself, Dean listened for a moment before opening the door just enough to get his head inside and see who it was.

His jaw dropped when he noticed Castiel on the small platform stage area in front of some other patients. He was strumming the guitar and singing melodically, and saw Dean relatively quickly.

Cas winked at him and continued playing as Dean stared.

The supervisor in the corner of the room was Gabe, who was nodding his head to the rhythm of the music. When he looked over at Dean, he motioned him inside.

Obeying, Dean walked inside and almost closed the door, listening intently to Castiel.

Castiel closed his eyes and sang, getting lost in the music. It was addicting to watch him perform; like there was something hidden in the simplicity of him with an instrument.

It was definitely more obvious that Castiel was in pain when he sang; there was a sadness that rung true in every note that came out of his mouth.

When Cas finished the song, he gave a small smile to everyone who clapped for him.

“Is that the last one for the night?” Gabe asked from the corner. “No one else wants to perform?”

Nobody spoke up, so Gabe shrugged.

“You guys can leave three minutes early then,” he said.

“Thanks Gabe,” the patients all said at different times as they filed out of the room.

“You’ll have to perform for us sometime, Dean,” Gabe prompted.

“No thanks,” Dean said nervously as Cas made his way over to him. “I’m not much of a performer.”

“I’m sure Cas could talk you into it,” Gabe teased before walking around the room, picking up instruments that other patients had failed to put away.

“Trust me, I can,” Castiel said cockily, leading Dean out of the room.

It was dinner, so they went to the dining hall and ate with Becky and Chuck.

When they were done, they all headed back to their rooms.

“So, how was your first day?” Castiel asked as he and Dean began the walk back to their room. “Not too hellish?”

“It was fine,” Dean said with a shrug. “As far as first days go, I guess. Crowley’s cool though, you were right about that.”

“What am I not right about?” Castiel countered jokingly.

They turned a corner and entered their room, sitting down next to each other on Dean’s bed.

“By the way, my little brother says hi,” Dean said. “He wasn’t sure if you’d remember him or not, but his name’s Sam.”

“Of course I remember Sam,” Castiel said like he was offended by the notion he would ever forget. He smiled to himself as he thought back to meeting the younger boy. “He was one of the few people that bothered to talk to me at Lawrence…probably the only nice one, for that matter.”

“Sorry I didn’t talk to you,” Dean said, unsure if that was the right answer. He felt like as though he should apologize for never getting to know Cas all those months ago. “But I’m glad Sammy did.”

“Hey, I’m not blaming you,” Castiel said. “It’s not like I was exactly Mr. Inviting. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think I gave off the vibe that if you talked to me, I’d punch you in the face…at least, that’s what it seemed like from the responses I got.”

Dean tilted his head slightly and smirked. “Yeah, you kinda did,” he said. “Your intimidation factor was something to work around, that’s for sure.”

“I guess that’s just a defense mechanism thing I have,” Castiel said. “I usually don’t last at new schools very long, as you can see. I didn’t see the point in making friends if eventually I’d wind up here. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us in the long run, so I decided a long time ago it wasn’t good for me to be alone. That’s how things have always been.”

“And yet you’re still in here,” Dean said, glancing around their room.

Castiel gave a sad laugh. “I guess you’re right,” he replied.

There was a moment of silence, and before things could get weird, Dean spoke up.

 “What did you do today?” Dean asked, wanting a subject change.

“Same thing I do almost every day. Therapy and activities, not a very exciting life you’ll come to discover,” Cas said. “Music was interesting though…didn’t think you were gonna make an appearance.”

“Yeah, sorry about that,” Dean said, rubbing the back of his neck as he tried not to make eye contact with the other boy. “I didn’t know it was you performing or anything.”

“I kind of figured that,” Castiel responded. “Did you like it?”

“Yeah, you were good,” Dean said, trying to work out how he was going to word things in his head so they didn’t come across as he thought they might sound. No matter what he wanted, Cas shouldn’t know he was interested…being in this place together was already a sign for a fucked up relationship. “I didn’t know you could sing.”

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me,” Castiel said. “I’m a complex guy with too many stories.”

“Too many to tell me?” Dean asked in return, feeling more bold than usual.

“I haven’t figured that out yet,” Cas said with a smirk. “But I’m thinking about it.”

“I thought you didn’t tell anyone anything,” Dean challenged.

“I don’t,” Castiel affirmed. “But you’re not just anyone to me.”  
Dean was slightly taken aback, and his stare got slightly more speculative. “What do you mean?” he asked.

Castiel rolled his eyes. “You’re really fucking oblivious, you know that?”

Dean didn’t answer, wanting to see exactly where Cas would take this without him saying anything.

“I’ve made it practically as clear as I could that I like you, Dean,” Cas said. “There’s something annoyingly sincere about you that I can’t ignore…and I don’t want to.”  
“And here I was thinking it was just me that saw you like that,” Dean said with a small smile.

“I’m _far_ from sincere,” Castiel said, turning his body to face Dean’s more directly. He leaned in close and continued speaking with his mouth only inches away from Dean’s. “I’m the biggest piece of shit this ward has to offer, but I guess that’s why I want you…you’re everything I’m not.”

“You’re not a piece of shit,” Dean said defensively, pulling back a short distance even though it almost physically hurt him to do so. He hated that Cas had such a low opinion of himself, and ever since yesterday had wanted to make him realize that he was worth more than he gave himself credit for. “You’re caring and honest, not to mention the most _real_ person I’ve talked to in who knows how long. Don’t say you like me because I’m so much better than you…we’re not that different. And I’ll b-.”

Dean was cut off when Castiel pressed his lips firmly against Dean’s, grabbing the side of Dean’s neck to hold him in place. After the initial shock, Dean closed his eyes and responded to it. Cas’ lips were as warm and soft as Dean had imagined they were.

The kiss was chaste and didn’t last very long, but Dean wouldn’t have had it any other way.

When they pulled apart, Castiel rested their foreheads together and smiled, breathing out a laugh. “Just shut up.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading! It means so much that you guys like the story, so please continue to support it :)
> 
> And a lot of you guys seem to like Cas, so I'm gonna try to write the next chapter from more of his perspective than Dean's. Hopefully that's something to look forward to :P
> 
> Edit: I have no idea what the end note from the first chapter is doing here, but I can't get rid of it...sorry about that!


	4. There Must Be a Better Way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaaaand here it is :) Once again, thank you all so much for the positive feedback! This chapter's a little longer than the rest, but hopefully you don't mind ;)
> 
> TW: self harm, mentions of past physical abuse, drug use, and self-harm

There was a surprisingly comfortable silence for a few moments after they kissed, and Castiel pulled back to look at Dean.

“You okay?” Castiel asked.

Dean swallowed and looked at Cas, unsure.

“What was that for?” Dean questioned, unable to figure out even for himself if he was okay or not.

“To shut you up,” Cas said with a quiet laugh. “I already warned you, I’m not good with personal space.”  
Dean seemed taken aback, and didn’t say anything for another long pause in conversation. Eventually Dean scoffed and shook his head with a small smile, like he was amused by the fact that he was speechless.

“Guess it worked then,” Castiel said, smirking at Dean’s slight discomfort. “Maybe a little too well.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Dean managed to make himself say.

“It was just a kiss, Dean. You’ve got a lot to learn if _that_ makes you uncomfortable,” Cas said.

“I’m not uncomfortable,” Dean said defensively. “…I don’t know what I am.”  
“That’s a recurring thing with you, have you noticed?” Castiel asked, raising an eyebrow at him. “You don’t know. You don’t know if you like this place, you don’t know how you feel, and I’m starting to think you don’t even have a solid idea of who you are.”  
Dean blinked and narrowed his eyes slightly at Cas. He couldn’t tell if he was trying to be a jerk or not.  

“Yeah, I’ve noticed,” Dean replied sadly. He sighed and put his hands in his lap, fidgeting with them before looking at Cas again. “And no, I don’t know who I am. All I’m sure of is that being here scares the hell out of me. If you want me to be honest, I don’t think anyone can fix me.”

Dean looked down again and focused on his hands that were now clasped together like they were the most intriguing things in the world. It was sad, really, seeing Dean look so vulnerable and afraid. It made Cas feel even worse about himself to think that he’d inadvertently brought it on.

“You don’t need to be fixed,” Castiel said with conviction. “Mended, sure. But you’re not broken; you’re _hurting_. There’s a difference.”

It was pretty clear that Dean didn’t have a comeback for that, which Castiel was grateful for. He wasn’t in the mood to say up all night refuting Dean’s statements, trying to convince him how worthwhile he was.

When it became apparent that Dean wasn’t going to say anything at all, Castiel stood up.

“I want you to feel better, Dean,” he said genuinely before going over to his dresser and changing into his pajamas.

Behind him, he heard Dean get into bed and pull the covers up around him.

When Cas turned around, he saw that Dean’s eyes were closed, but he was willing to bet that was just to avoid any other conversations for the night.

Castiel walked over to his bed and moved the covers over him, turning on his side to get comfortable.

He could tell that he was starting to care about Dean more than he should, which was already becoming a problem. Why couldn’t he get it through his head that he can’t afford to get close to anyone like this? It wasn’t okay…it would never be okay.

Cas wasn’t built to have relationships. Other than his family, the only friends he had were Chuck and Becky. And knowing his luck, they’d forget about him the second they got out of the ward…which wouldn’t be too much longer judging by the progress they were both making.

He’d watched people come and go from this place in less than a week, and couldn’t help the intense pang of jealousy he felt when he watched someone walk down the hallway with their belongings. It meant they were well enough to be out in the real world, living. That was something Castiel had never really gotten the chance to do. This sure as hell wasn’t living, but he didn’t know much else. Cas understood it was for the best that he stayed here, but it wasn’t where he wanted to be.

The past few years of his life, Castiel had spent more time in mental hospitals than anywhere else, and in his own mind he could freely admit that he missed being home. Now that the bastard he used to call his father was gone, he wanted to be back at his house again with his mom and brothers.

He’d give anything to fall asleep in his own bed. Cas didn’t want to feel so unwelcome in the room he spent every night anymore.

As far as wards go, Lawrence was probably the nicest one he’d ever stayed at; but that didn’t make things any easier. It was late, cold, and the blankets were too thin. They sounded like petty complaints, and at first they were; but after a while it all added up. The little things like not saying hi to his family before leaving for school were what he’d give up everything for at this point.  

Part of him wanted to wish Dean good night, just because he had someone to say goodnight to, but he didn’t.

 

The next morning, Castiel woke up to the awful monotone beeping of his alarm clock.

“Fuck,” he groaned as he reached out and turned it off.

Dean was still sleeping soundly, since he wasn’t used to the relatively quiet wake-up call.

“Dean,” Cas stated in a voice rough with sleep.

There was no response from the other teenager as he remained completely still, breathing heavily.

“Dean,” Castiel said, louder this time.

Dean shifted slightly, but continued to sleep through Castiel’s attempts to wake him up.

“Fine, if you wanna play it like that,” Cas murmured to himself. “Wake the fuck up, Dean!” he yelled as he threw his pillow at Dean’s sleeping form.

As soon as the pillow hit him, Dean stirred and sat up.

“What the hell?” Dean asked sleepily, looking at the pillow in confusion.

“Damn, you’re a heavy sleeper,” Castiel said. “I was trying to wake you up, but you weren’t moving…hence the pillow.”

Dean groaned and threw the pillow back on Cas’s bed, rubbing his eyes as he struggled to fully adjust to the rude awakening.

“And you couldn’t have just come over here and tried to do that like a normal person?” Dean asked in irritation.

“No,” Cas said. “Don’t get on my nerves.”

Castiel had never been a morning person, and until he got his coffee he could be unpleasant to be around. If someone said the wrong thing to him after he’d just woken up, there would be hell to pay. Most people around the ward were aware of that by now, and it seemed like Dean was starting to figure it out.

“Alright,” Dean said in a relatively apologetic tone. “Thanks for waking me up. Guess I didn’t hear the alarm.”

“It’s not exactly an alarm,” Castiel said as he stood up and walked over to his dresser. “It’s more of a quiet beeping. All the alarm clocks sound the same; you just have to adjust your hearing for it.”

“I don’t really have a choice but to try, do I?” Dean asked.

“No, not really,” Castiel said.

Neither of them was willing to bring up the kiss, apparently. It wasn’t that Cas didn’t want to think about it, because he _was_ thinking about it, but it seemed like something Dean should bring up. It didn’t make Cas uncomfortable, and if Dean thought something needed to be said, he should come right out and say it. He had to buck up at some point, and now was as good a time as any.

Castiel took his shirt off and pulled another one out of a drawer.

“You need to work on your subtlety,” Cas said as he side glanced at Dean, who was staring at his exposed torso.

Dean looked flustered and moved his gaze to the floor.

Castiel chuckled at him, unable to avoid thinking about how strangely endearing it was.

“Hey, it’s fine,” Cas assured him, putting on the new shirt that was in his hands.

When he looked back at Dean once his shirt was on, there was a strange expression on his face. If Cas didn’t know any better, he’d say it closely resembled sympathy.

“What?” Castiel asked.

“I’m sorry,” Dean said, his voice filled with emotion that Cas wouldn’t have figured possible. This must have been brought on by the scars. “You don’t have to tell me what your deal is or anything, but I’m sorry you’ve been through whatever happened to you.”

Cas nodded, shifted his eyes to the side of the room, and smirked before shaking his head. He allowed himself to frown momentarily before returning his face to a relatively neutral expression when he looked back at Dean.

“Thanks,” Cas said. “But you don’t have to do the whole ‘sorry’ thing. Everyone’s always sorry for me.”

“I mean it,” Dean said firmly. “And I’m not saying that to pity you or whatever. I hope you get better too, Cas.”

Castiel nodded, unable to argue when Dean was trying to be genuine with him.

Truth be told, Cas was nervous that he’d never get better. He’d spent years trying every treatment out there with no luck. The longest he’d ever felt on the verge of normal was two months on one of the many medications he’d taken. They kept upping his dosage until he’d reached the maximum amount that he could safely have before moving on to another method of treatment.

It had been years of feeling miserable, and even though Cas thought he was past the point of saving, he didn’t say anything about that to Dean. It was best he didn’t know the extent of his problems anyways.

“Thanks,” Cas repeated, meaning it a little more this time. He looked down and gave a hollow laugh. “Well now that the room’s been brought down, let’s get ready.”

“Yeah, sure,” Dean agreed.

As Castiel changed into a pair of black skinny jeans, Dean selected a pair of plain denim jeans and a dark blue Henley to wear.

Cas wolf whistled when Dean took his shirt off, which earned him a look of confused irritation.

“I can’t help it if you’re sexy,” Castiel said with a shrug.

“Do you even _have_ a filter, or does it all just come out of your mouth anyway?” Dean asked jokingly as he finished getting dressed.

“Nah,” Castiel said. “I’m uncensored, vulgar, honest, whatever you wanna call it.”

Dean smirked in response and ran his fingers through his hair, suddenly bothered by the fact that he couldn’t see what it looked like.

“This is gonna sound stupid, but if my hair is seven kinds of idiotic you should help me out,” Dean said, putting his hands by his side so Castiel could get a decent look at it.

After a minute of consideration, Cas stepped closer to him. He narrowed his eyes in thought before reaching out to ruffle Dean’s hair until it looked good.

“There,” Castiel said, admiring his work. “Perfectly messy.”

He left his fingers tangled in Dean’s hair towards the back of his neck, smirking at him. He was half-tempted to kiss him again, biting his lip as he considered it. Cas could still feel Dean’s lips on his from the night before, and he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t a little anxious to feel them again.  

“Uh, hey,” Dean said awkwardly when he realized Cas wasn’t backing away.

“Hm?” Castiel questioned, gently brushing Dean’s scalp with his fingertips.

“Thanks; I think it’s alright now,” Dean said, torn between asking the other boy to step back and leaning into the touch, wanting to stay that way for a while longer.

“No problem,” Castiel said, his predatory eyes locked on Dean’s.

He took a step back and cocked his head towards the door.

“Let’s head out,” he said.

“Okay,” Dean agreed, walking out of the room with him.

“Have your meds come in yet?” Castiel asked as they turned the opposite way from what took them to the dining hall the previous morning.

“I’m not on meds,” Dean said. It was almost a question, like he thought Cas was getting at something he wasn’t in on.

Cas rolled his eyes in a way that showed he wasn’t actuallyannoyed; he just wasn’t a fan of having to explain every little thing to Dean.

“Everyone here is on meds,” Cas said. “It’s kind of a requirement, since everyone here’s off their rocker a little more than they should be.”  
“They never told me anything about that,” Dean said, trying to remember if he’d ever heard Charlie or Crowley mention him being put on pills.

“Well thank god for me then, right?” Castiel asked, quirking a smile at him as they turned a corner. “I have to take mine every other day, which is why I didn’t get them yesterday. Yours might not be in yet, especially if you just had your first meeting with Crowley. He’s the one who makes the decision on what he thinks would work best for you. It’s worth a shot though, so come with me to get mine.”

“Okay,” Dean said, following Cas until they saw a line of several people extending from a counter that was originally part of a wall.

The blinds that made the wall solid had been lifted, so the files and medications were visible to the patients who passed by. Charlie was behind the main counter, talking to the patient whose turn it was.

“And you just wait here to get it?” Dean asked as they stood behind the last person waiting.

“Yeah, pretty much,” Castiel confirmed. “You just have to take it sometime in the morning on your scheduled day, or else they find you and make sure you don’t forget about it.”

“Makes sense,” Dean commented.

After standing in line talking about anything and everything besides what happened the other night, it was Castiel’s turn.

“Hey Cas,” Charlie greeted from behind the counter. “Feeling any better today?”

“Eh, you know how it gets for me sometimes,” Castiel replied with a forced smile.

“Sorry to hear that. We all have our bad days,” Charlie said. She searched for something they couldn’t see before handing a small cup with pills in it and a cup of water to Cas. “Here.”

He downed the five pills that were in there in a sip of water and cleared his throat slightly afterwards.

Without being told to do so, Cas opened his mouth and lifted his tongue up, moving his mouth from side to side so Charlie could see he’d really swallowed them.

“Thanks, Cas,” Charlie said. “I know it’s kind of ridiculous, but shockingly we’ve still got patients that try that with us.”

“It’s fine, Charlie,” Cas said, stepping aside as he waited for Dean to talk to her.

“Hi Dean,” Charlie said when she made eye contact with him.

“Hi Charlie. I was wondering if my meds are in yet,” Dean explained.

“Let me check,” Charlie said, typing something into the computer in front of her. “Yep, looks like we just got them in this morning. I’ll be right back.”

Charlie disappeared down one of the aisles for a moment before returning with a small cup of pills. She handed those to Dean along with a cup of water.  
“What are these?” Dean asked, inspecting the three pills.

“I don’t think you’ll recognize the names, but they’re for depression, anxiety, and bi-polar,” Charlie explained, looking at the sheet of paper that apparently came beside the pills.

“But I don’t have depression,” Dean said.

“There’s not really a pill we can give you for PTSD,” she said. “Depression is usually a big factor in being bi-polar, so we wanted to be safe in making sure you don’t feel any symptoms from that disease that could be prevented by taking some medication for it.”

Castiel was watching this exchange silently, trying to not look like a total dick for paying attention to what Dean had. He wanted to help Dean for some reason he wasn’t able to figure out, and that was a hell of a lot easier when he knew what he was dealing with. Dean seemed to be open about his problems for the most part, and if he was talking about it right in front of him, he couldn’t care much if Cas overheard. At least, that was the logic behind it in Castiel’s mind.

“Alright,” Dean said with a sigh.

He took a sip of water and swallowed the three small pills with it. Imitating Cas’s example, he opened his mouth and lifted his tongue, making it obvious he’d really taken them.

“Thanks Dean,” Charlie said. “Now get off to breakfast you two, before you miss it.”

Castiel managed to smile a little more effortlessly when Dean walked over to him and they made their way to the dining hall.

“We’ve still got a half hour,” Cas said when they got inside.

After grabbing their food, Castiel spotted Becky and Chuck at the same table they were yesterday.

“Come on,” Castiel said as Dean went over to the table with him.

“Look who decided to show up,” Chuck said as he and Becky scooted over for them.

“I was being an upstanding citizen showing Dean where to get his meds,” Castiel said defensively.

“Cool,” Becky said. “So, you guys have any cool dreams last night?”

“Becky, don’t start this again,” Chuck complained.

“Why not? I thought you guys liked it,” Becky argued.

“I can’t even count how many times we’ve told you we hate it,” Cas said.

“Don’t lie to me, you know you love it,” she responded.

“I don’t know why we even try,” Chuck teased.

“What the hell are you guys talking about?” Dean asked.

“Becky likes to tell us about the fucked up things she dreams sometimes,” Castiel explained. “And make other people talk about whatever they dreamed too so she doesn’t feel self-absorbed.”

“They’re not fucked up, they’re awesome,” Becky said proudly.

“Maybe by your standards,” Chuck said. “They’re disturbing, honestly.”

Becky scoffed and took a sip of her water.  
“Last night’s wasn’t bad, trust me. It was really cool! I dreamed that I found out the characters in Chuck’s books are real,” Becky said excitedly. Her voice was already getting faster, the way it did when she got invested in something.

“Here we go,” Castiel murmured, quietly amused by what Becky had to say.

“They were so hot, and I got to help them on a ghost hunt,” Becky continued. “And Chuck, they went to visit you and you _freaked out_. Anyway…”

She kept talking about everything that happened in excruciating detail for what felt like an eternity before finally stopping.

“Well, what about you guys?” Becky asked expectantly.

“I dreamed that I got locked in a department store overnight,” Chuck said. “Nothing really happened, but yeah.”

It was kind of obvious he just said that to humor Becky, but Cas thought it was sweet. Ever since day one for Becky (which had been day 4 for Chuck), they’d liked each other. They had kind of a weird dynamic; they were close friends in the ward, but when they got out Castiel would put money on them dating within in a week.

“That’s so cool,” Becky said with her never-ending enthusiasm. “I’ve always wanted to be locked in a store overnight; it seems like a lot of fun. What about you, Cas? Dream about anything?”

“You know I never remember my dreams, Becky,” Cas said, slightly defeated.

Castiel hadn’t remembered his dreams for a few years now, which was something else he’d grown to miss over time. All he saw at night was darkness, and while he didn’t miss having nightmares, he found himself wishing to have some sort of dream every now and then. Even the bad ones would do when he got desperate, but they never came.

“Just thought I’d try,” Becky said with a shrug. “That sucks you still can’t remember them. Let me know if you ever do.”

“You’ll be the first person I tell,” Cas said with a smirk.

“I’d better be,” Becky replied. “What about you, Dean?”

“Nothing I can remember either,” Dean said. “My dreams are usually boring though. You’re not missing out on much.”

Becky nodded. “Well, same goes for you, Dean. Let me know,” she said.

“Will do,” Dean confirmed.

Castiel looked at the clock only to discover that it was time to go.

“Looks like it’s time to break up the party, guys,” Cas said, pointing at the clock.

Chuck and Becky groaned simultaneously, to which Castiel responded “married” before getting flicked with a piece of food by Becky.

“She does that a lot,” Dean said as they threw their food away.

“Yeah,” Castiel agreed. “It’s her thing with me, I guess.”

They walked out the door, and Dean headed for private therapy down the hall while Becky went to her art lesson.

Dean and Chuck had a free hour, so they looked at each other when Dean and Becky were gone.

“Wanna go to the room?” Castiel asked.

“Sure,” Chuck replied.

They never referred to the socializing room by name. There was only one “room” anyone meant they wanted to go to for conversation.

Chuck and Cas went down the hall together and walked into the room while making small talk. There were a few other patients speaking to each other, but none that Cas or Chuck had ever gotten to know, which Castiel was thankful for. He wanted to spend some long overdue time with Chuck, since he hadn’t exactly been up for it the last week or so.

“Over here,” Castiel said as they sat down in two chairs near the back of the room.

An orderly was standing in the corner, reading a book. The supervisors never paid much attention to what the patients did in there, since it was mainly where they went to talk more privately or just get away from the intensity of the rest of the hospital.

“So…Dean,” Chuck said with a knowing look in his eyes as he turned to face Cas.

“What about him?” Castiel asked casually.

“Come on,” Chuck prompted with a laugh. “I haven’t seen you take that fast to someone in…ever.”

“Your point?” Castiel asked.

“You like him,” Chuck said with a smile. “I can tell.”

“You may not have noticed this, Chuck, but I’m not exactly appropriate with everyone I meet,” Cas said somewhat bitterly.

He wasn’t ashamed to like Dean; he was confused. Cas had never liked someone before, at least not this seriously. Like everything else, he carved people out of his reality except for his family several years ago and never looked back.

Driven by the fact that he could never have a normal relationship, Castiel had forced any attraction towards people down. The only reason he was friends with Chuck and Becky was because this place had gotten through to him enough to encourage making a few friendships. What terrified Cas was the fact that it really helped, and made him start to wonder why he tried so hard to remain alone for such a long time.

This was all completely new to him. Yeah, Castiel had kissed someone before. Hell, he’d even had sex a few times, trying to get himself to feel _something_ without a drug haze surrounding his thoughts. But every one of those moments meant nothing. There was no feeling behind it, and maybe that was part of the problem.

Now Castiel felt exposed and compromised, and it fucking sucked.

“I don’t buy that for a second,” Chuck said.

“Why not?” Castiel asked, noticing that he had started to tap his foot on the floor. It was a nervous tick he’d developed since he had to stop smoking at the last facility he stayed in.

“Because except for your past, you’re open about a lot of stuff,” Chuck said, his eyes flicking to Castiel’s foot. “You only get closed off and defensive when you deny things that you’re afraid of because they’re probably true.”

Cas widened his eyes at Chuck. “Since when did you become a shrink?” he asked.

“I’m good with people,” Chuck said. “I pick up on things like that.”

Castiel sighed and thought for a moment before deciding he needed to talk about with someone, and Chuck was the best person to go to right now.

“I kissed him last night,” Cas said.

“You did?” Chuck asked, half in shock and half impressed. “What did he do?”

“Nothing,” Castiel elaborated. “I did it to make him stop talking, and it was like he totally shut down for a few seconds. When he got his tongue out of his throat he said he didn’t know what to think about it. I accused him of not knowing who he is in the first place, told him I hoped he got better, and went to sleep. Haven’t talked about it since.”

“Okay…” Chuck said, not knowing how to continue off that. “So you guys haven’t brought it up. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you.”

“I don’t give a shit about that,” Castiel said, running a hand through his hair. “He’s scared.”

“And you’re not?” Chuck countered.

Cas clicked his tongue against his teeth and smirked. “Careful now, Chuck. I’m starting to think you know me too well. I might have to kill you,” he said teasingly. “But yeah, I guess I am. Don’t repeat that.”

“It’s okay to be scared, Cas,” Chuck comforted.

“Yeah, I know,” Castiel said begrudgingly. “I’ve just never even thought about letting someone into my life like this. It’s daunting.”

“You really like him then,” Chuck commented with a smile.

“I don’t fucking know,” Cas said in exasperation. “That’s what’s so goddamn frustrating. I don’t know what all this is.” He pointed at his chest. “It’s gonna be the end me, but for some fucked up reason I don’t want to stop it.”

“I get it,” Chuck said. “It’s terrifying and looking you right in the face, but you don’t know if you’re supposed to kill it or let it be. If you want my advice, try it; see where it goes with him.”

“You think it could work?” Castiel asked doubtfully.

“I see the way you guys look at each other,” Chuck said, playfully nudging Cas when he saw the orderly was still engrossed in his book. “It’d be a shame to never give it a shot.”  
Castiel gave a softer smile at Chuck before the orderly stood up.

“Alright everyone, hour’s up,” he announced. “Time to head off to whatever your next activity is for the day.”

Chuck and Cas stood up and walked out of the room.

“Thanks, Chuck,” Castiel said. “Really.”

“Anytime, man,” Chuck said. “Good luck.”

They went their separate ways, and Cas arrived at Crowley’s door a minute later.

He walked inside and saw Crowley writing some notes down in that notepad he always kept with him.

“Hey Cas,” he greeted. “You just missed Dean.”

“Guess I’ll have to find him after this, then,” Castiel said, sitting down in the client chair.

“You should,” Crowley said, making his way over to the chair he sat in for every session. “Shall we start?”

“Sure,” Castiel said.

“I hate to start out like this, but I think we should talk about your dad,” Crowley said. “We haven’t brought him up the last week and a half.”

“I don’t want to talk about him today, Crowley,” Castiel said firmly.

“We don’t get to ignore our problems, mate,” Crowley said. “We need to acknowledge them; that way they can’t have any power over us.”

“That asshole doesn’t have _shit_ over me,” Castiel spat.

“If he didn’t, you’d be willing to talk about him,” Crowley countered. “I’m not trying to be the bad guy here, and you know that. This is therapy for a reason, Cas. We don’t get to spend an hour talking about the latest episode of Grey’s Anatomy.”  
“That part of my life is over,” Castiel said. “The abuse, the drugs, the cutting, it’s done. He’s finally out of the picture.”

“The abuse, sure,” Crowley said. “Now that the bastard’s out of your house, anyways. The drugs and the self-harm are a different story. You can’t lie to me; not after everything I’ve done to help you. Those things are going to take time to make their way out of your life, and as much as I’d like for you to be out of that horrible past, you’re not.”

“Gee, you really know how to make me feel better,” Castiel said sarcastically.

“I’m just calling it as I see it,” Crowley said. “We talk about what happened to you so you can try to get past it. And that’s not going to happen if you refuse to believe you have an issue with those things anymore just because your father isn’t involved.”

“Yeah well, I don’t have an issue,” Cas said, determined.

“Have you thought about your father lately?” Crowley tried.

There was a moment of pause before Castiel gritted his teeth and spoke. He’d made a commitment to himself that he’d try to get better here, no matter how hard it was, and he was going to stick to it.

“Every night,” Cas said, clenching his hands. “I think about how he ruined my life. He’s the one who made me like this.”

“When you think about him, do you think about how he treated you your whole life, or specific incidents?” Crowley asked.

“I think about that one night a lot,” Cas said, knowing Crowley would know what he was talking about. The memories slowly came back to him again. “All the blood…the pain, the sirens.”

Castiel’s face contorted as he re-lived the worst night of his life all over again like it had just happened yesterday.

“I’m sorry,” Crowley said. “You didn’t deserve that, Cas. You know that, right?”

“So you keep telling me,” Cas said, looking at the floor.

“Rough day?” Crowley asked, picking up on Castiel’s attitude.

“Yeah,” Cas said. He tried not to lie to Crowley whenever he could help it, but it was hard opening up.

Crowley nodded understandingly. “Tell you what,” he said. “I won’t make you talk about your father today if there’s something else on your mind that you’d rather get out of the way instead.”

Castiel thought for a moment and sat back in his chair.

“What are you supposed to do when even though you know something won’t work out in the end, you still want it?” Castiel asked.

“Talking about Dean?” Crowley asked.

“What?” Castiel returned accusingly.

“He was just here, Cas,” Crowley said, like that explained everything. “I can’t say what we talked about, but I’ll let on that it’s obvious that at least _he_ cares about _you_. And I notice the two of you walk everywhere together, standing a little closer than friends would. I’ve never seen a smile come quite so easily to your face as the one that you have around him.”  
“Guess that means you’re gonna make me switch roommates then, huh?” Castiel asked, not wanting to directly address anything Crowley had just said.

“No,” Crowley stated. “I think you’re good for each other in a lot of ways. He gets through to you, somehow, and I don’t think it would be wise to close that connection off. Dean’s only been here a solid day, and it already seems like he’s keeping you somewhat more grounded than you were before.”

“I think he is,” Castiel said. “I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do about that, though.”

“What do you want to do?” Crowley asked.

“I want to go for it and see what happens,” Cas said. “But what if it blows up in my face? Everything always does.”

“What if it doesn’t? Not everything has to have a bad outcome,” Crowley said. “You’re ready for something like this, Cas. Trust me, you can handle it; and who knows? You might even like it.”

Castiel allowed himself a small smile while he looked at Crowley.

“Yeah, I might,” Cas said as he looked at the clock and saw it was time to go. “Thanks, Crowley.”

“You’re welcome, Cas,” Crowley said, finishing up the notes he had written during their session as Castiel stood up.

Cas made his way out the door and walked to lunch.

The rest of his day was relatively normal, and unfortunately didn’t include seeing Dean except for meals.

“You guys want to go to the room for a bit?” Becky asked when they finished dinner, since there weren’t any more activities for the day.

“I’m just gonna turn in, I think,” Castiel said.

“And I’ve gotta take a shower,” Dean explained.

“Loners,” Becky joked.

“I’ll go,” Chuck offered.

“Awesome,” Becky said. “Chuck knows how to have fun, you guys.”

“Some other time for sure,” Cas promised.

“Okay, see you tomorrow,” Becky said.

“Bye Cas, bye Dean,” Chuck called as he and Becky started off for the socializing room.

Cas and Dean started walking in the direction of showers and rooms, when Dean looked at Cas out of the corner of his eye.

“You haven’t taken a shower since I got here,” Dean said in slight disgust.

Cas rolled his eyes. “Of course I have, dipshit,” he insulted jokingly. “I took one yesterday while I had a free period, and I take them every other day so my hair doesn’t fall out from chemical damage before I’m 30.”

“My bad,” Dean said, giving him a small smile. “I’ll see you soon.”

Cas nodded as Dean turned the opposite way down a hall to find an orderly for the shower room.

As soon as Castiel walked through the door to their room, he sighed and walked over to his dresser, pulling out a red long sleeved shirt he sometimes slept in.

The day had been going alright until his depression hit him like a ton of bricks after breakfast. Things had been relatively manageable these past few days, but there was no ignoring the ache Castiel felt in his entire body now. This wasn’t just being sad; this was anguish. And Cas knew there was only one thing he could do when the pain was too much to think about.

With a shaking hand, he pulled up the sleeve of the black shirt he was already wearing and walked over to his bed. Castiel sat down on the floor and felt underneath his mattress for the sharp piece of metal that poked out from the bedframe. When he found it, he slowly dragged his wrist over the sharp edge.

Cas could feel the blood drip down his arm and onto the floor, but that didn’t matter. He could finally breathe again. Without thinking twice, he slashed his arm over and over again on the metal until all his crowded thoughts went away and the only thing that was left was the pain in his arm. The pain he deserved, as far as he was concerned.

Castiel took his arm back and inspected the damage. There were 8 deep slashes from his wrist to his elbow that were dripping red, and he welcomed the familiar sting of the wounds.

Before too long, Cas put his red shirt over the cuts to stop the bleeding. As he kept pressure on his arm, he moved the sleeve of the shirt to wipe up the excess blood that had ended up on the floor.

It took a while, and Castiel almost got concerned that it wouldn’t stop by the time Dean got back, but the bleeding subsided enough to take the red shirt off of the wounds.

Cas stood up and put the bloodied shirt at the bottom of his drawer before changing into the black long sleeved shirt he usually slept in and his pajama pants.

“Hey Cas,” Dean said as he walked into the room.

Castiel turned around, and could practically _feel_ how wrecked his own face looked.

“Woah, you okay?” Dean asked, concerned.

Cas motioned for Dean to come closer, and when he did, Castiel leaned in so his mouth was right next to Dean’s ear.

“Don’t ask stupid questions,” Cas whispered.

He leaned back and walked over to his bed, sitting on the edge of it.

“Is there anything I can do?” Dean asked.

“Not really,” Castiel said miserably, staring at the floor. “I just need to sleep it off.”

“I hate seeing you so sad,” Dean said.

“Almost sounds like you give a shit,” Cas said, looking at him.

“I _do_ give a shit,” Dean stated defensively.

Feeling brave, he walked over to Castiel and kneeled down so he was about level height with him. It was definitely more intimidating staring into those deep blue eyes than he remembered. Dean took a breath, put his hand on the side of Cas’s neck, and pulled him close, kissing him softly.

Castiel was a little shocked, but quickly closed his eyes and kissed him back until Dean pulled away.

“I’m here if you need me,” Dean said, forcing himself to keep looking into those blue oceans in front of him. “You should know I mean that.”

Castiel fought back the tears that were threatening to come out of his eyes and looked down.

“Thanks,” was all Cas could think of to say.

“You’re welcome,” Dean replied. He stood up and walked over to his dresser, putting on a different shirt and pants to fall asleep in.

Cas got situated under the covers and turned so he faced away from Dean. For the first time, he sort of regretted hurting himself. It was like he was betraying Dean by choosing to tear his skin open instead of talking to him, but there wasn’t much he could do. He couldn’t pour his heart out to a guy he’d only said hello to a few days ago, no matter how much he wanted to.

This was how the self-loathing started, and Castiel let himself cry facing the wall. He was pissed that he couldn’t bring himself to let someone in, and cursed his father for being the one to spark that distrust in him.

He would always be like this, and it wasn’t fair.

“I don’t deserve this,” Cas whispered to himself, pulling the sheets around him tighter. It was the first time he believed that.

“No, you don’t,” Dean said from his bed. Apparently it had been so quiet he’d heard what Castiel said. “Goodnight, Cas.”

“Goodnight, Dean,” Castiel said, hoping that he could disguise his tears in his voice.

Cas finally fell asleep soon after that, most likely due to exhaustion from crying.

It didn’t last long though, because a few hours later Castiel was woken up by the sound of Dean screaming.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, everyone :) Comments, kudos, etc. are always awesome. 
> 
> I don't know if you guys would want my tumblr, but if you do, it's onereasontogiveyouregret.tumblr.com so feel free to follow me!


	5. One Too Many Conversations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yet another chapter right on the mark for you guys :) Thanks for all the positive support; it really means so much!  
> It's a bit of a filler, but I felt like there needed to be a chapter that really focused on them starting their relationship, since it's a big step for both of them. I did procrastinate a little though and finished this late last night, so when I wake up I'll read it and fix any strange wording or grammatical errors I find. If any of you read it before then and find something wrong with it I'm sorry, and I'll make it better ASAP ;)
> 
> For this chapter, TW: night terror (?)

At first there was just a road. The calm and quiet of a dark night with rain coming down in a slow and steady rhythm.

Dean was talking to his dad about some really badass car that had been brought into the auto shop where he worked a few days beforehand, and John was saying that he wanted to come in and see the next time one of those came in. Ever the car buff, he was always interested when Dean talked about the different types that were in the shop.

The radio was playing Guns ‘N Roses in the background of their conversation, courtesy of John’s music collection. Dean remembered listening to old school rock and roll in the car with his dad when he was little, and quickly acquiring the taste for it. He’d even been thinking about taking guitar lessons the past few months, inspired by the classics like AC/DC and Motley Crue.  

It was when they were turning onto a street three blocks away from their house that the lights came out of nowhere.

Suddenly that’s all there was: light. It was blinding and Dean felt himself scream at the top of his lungs as horror and paralyzing fear took over him. There wasn’t anything he could do when he saw that the truck was headed right for them, because it was already too late.

His father tried to swerve out of the way, and everything was moving in slow motion. There was no way they could get off the road in time, and Dean was sure he was a dead man. In the last few seconds before the larger vehicle hit them, Dean closed his eyes and silently accepted whatever was about to happen to them.

This wasn’t how he wanted to go; he was far from ready. There was still so much he wanted to do, and now he’d never get the chance.

It’s a lie when people say that their lives flash before their eyes before the end finally comes. At least, that’s not how it was in those few seconds before the truck made contact with them. Dean just felt regret, sorrow, and guilt for leaving his little brother and mom. He was disappointed in himself and angry because of all the chances he never took. All those things he never said when he could have, all the times he could have done something worthwhile and didn’t…it was all he could think about.

That was when the truck hit them on the driver’s side, violently throwing Dean into his door of the car. He felt his arm hit the door handle and a sharp pain burst up through his shoulder. His ribs knocked into the side of the door and Dean could swear he felt every organ in his body move. As soon as his head hit the window, he blacked out.

There was a time skip in his nightmare to when he woke up and saw his father beside him, bloodied and broken in a grotesquely inhuman way. His forehead was dented inwards as it rested against the steering wheel, his eyes were open and unblinking, a bone was sticking up through the skin of his left forearm that was slung across the dashboard, and a piece of metal from the car that had gone in on the left side of his stomach was poking through the opposite side. It made Dean nauseas , and he tilted his head down to vomit onto the floor of the car.

After he wretched everything out of his stomach until he was dry heaving, Dean dared to look back over at his dad. He was still shaking, and couldn’t fathom how any of this was real. There was no way this had actually happened…it couldn’t have.

Dean looked at him and screamed again, unable to accept that his dad was dead, right in front of him. It appeared as though the glazed over eyes were staring at him with a shocked expression, and there was blood still dripping from his mouth. It was all too horrible to look at, and as he looked away everything went black.

The next thing Dean knew, he was jerked awake and back in his room at Lawrence Hospital.

Castiel was standing over him, shaking his shoulder and repeating his name over and over again. It sounded muffled at first, like Dean was hearing it through a glass wall. He’d never felt so disoriented in his life; everything was spinning and his chest was still constricted with panic.

“Dean!” Cas yelled. Now he was trying to keep Dean’s arms down as he frantically tried to move around. “Dean, it’s me; _calm down_ , you’re okay.”

It took Dean several moments of thrashing against Castiel’s hold before it really registered where he was and who was trying to help him. He stopped trying to attack Castiel and breathed heavily, throwing himself back against the bed as he tried to steady his heart rate.

Dean’s surroundings slowly came into focus, and the pounding in his head halted almost as suddenly as it had started. He remembered where he was, and put all the puzzle pieces of his condition back together in the span of what felt like a few hours, but was probably several seconds.

“Cas?” Dean asked, confused.

“Yeah, it’s me. I’m here,” Castiel said soothingly, moving one of his hands to run through Dean’s hair. There was a sense of relief about him as he smiled down at Dean, happy that there wasn’t any awful aftermath to the night terror. “Are you okay, or do you want me to get a nurse?”

“I-…I’ll be alright. Just gimme a second,” Dean panted.

Cas sighed and made a thoughtful face before deciding something. “Move over,” he said.

Dean half heard the command, but listened. He shifted his body to the left side of the bed and vaguely felt Cas crawl in next to him.

Castiel put an arm around Dean’s shoulders, bending it so he could stroke Dean’s hair as well.

“It’s alright, it was just a nightmare. You’re safe,” Cas comforted, turning his face to kiss the top of Dean’s head.

Castiel had never dealt with another person having a night terror before, so he just did what he knew he liked others to do when he had one. Those moments of vulnerability for him were the only times in any mental ward when he’d welcome human contact. He’d even cried during a particularly bad one when he had first gotten to Lawrence.

That was a moment of weakness he doesn’t talk about. It wasn’t that Cas considered himself “too much of a man to cry” or any of that, because that was ignorant and not true. It was because he’d never been comfortable being open with people, even his own family. In his mind, crying was one of the most open things someone could do. To be able to express that much emotion about whatever you’re feeling in front of others takes guts, and he wasn’t ready to do that yet. Castiel only cried when he was alone, and that was how it was going to stay.

Dean fisted his hand in the front of Castiel’s shirt, trying to keep himself anchored in reality.

“I get it, you know,” Castiel said, opening and closing his hand so his fingertips brushed against Dean’s scalp in a repetitive, soft motion. “It’s rough. And sometimes we all need is to have a good freak out.”

Dean made a noise in affirmation, his breathing slowing down.

“I know better than most about night terrors,” Cas told him, absentmindedly as he continued to stroke Dean’s hair. “They suck ass.”

Castiel gave a small smile and kissed Dean on the top of his head. “I wish I knew what to say,” he said, looking around the room, lost. “It’s over, though. That’s all that matters. It wasn’t real; _this_ is real.” He took Dean’s hand in his free one and smoothed it across the top of it.

They stayed like that in silence for what felt like an eternity, but neither of them had quiet minds.

Dean didn’t understand what Cas was getting at. He acted like he wanted to be with him, but never made a move to talk about it. Hell, right now he was even holding him after a night terror and acting like they were together…but they weren’t. Dean was usually pretty outgoing when it came to relationships, but after what happened he was having trouble getting any sort of confidence. His foundation had been shaken not only by his father dying, but how things had taken a turn for the worse in school as well before that.

It hadn’t been his fault; everything had just sort of fallen apart underneath him. And it was hard to come back from something like that. Dean pretended he was resilient. He made it seem like no matter what he could come back from something awful even better than he’d gone into it…which was total bullshit.

He supposed eventually it all had to add up; there wasn’t a way around that. Most of the time, Dean could feel himself slipping on the inside. He knew it wasn’t healthy, but couldn’t bring himself to really _care_ about it for some reason. Actually no, he knew the reason: his family.

It wasn’t that Dean blamed his family that all of this had gone wrong, but they were definitely the main contribution to why he felt like he had to be so strong about everything. He didn’t want to be seen as the weak link, or god forbid have his mother send him to therapy, because look how well that turned out.

Every day for the past few months, every day it had hurt a little more to open his eyes in the morning. It was like the second Dean realized that he was unfortunately still here, something in his chest seized up and he couldn’t function normally. When he walked around, it felt like there was a lead weight where his heart should be. It dragged him down emotionally so much that it almost physically showed. Dean had to take labored breaths every now and then, and he randomly felt the urge to just _cry_ for hours.

He’d tried explaining that to Crowley the other day, and he’d explained that that’s usually the depression part of the bipolar disorder rearing its head. It might not have been what Dean wanted to hear, but it was a lot more than he knew a few days ago.

As far as Dean could tell, the only time he ever felt somewhat okay was when he wrestled. He’d been on the school team for a while, but quit at about the time his bipolar was starting to affect his life to an irritating extent.

It was hard to find hope or joy when all Dean had known for the past several years was disappointment, anger, and sadness.

“You’ve been quiet for a while,” Castiel commented. “What are you thinking about?”

Dean sighed, but didn’t move from his position against Cas’s torso.

“Everything that’s wrong with me,” Dean said sadly, able to speak normally now.

“You’re amazing,” Castiel countered. “What do you mean?”

“Just…everything that got me here,” Dean explained with another sigh. “How I fucked everything up by being such a blind, hardheaded jackass.”

“You’re not a blind jackass,” Cas said, petting Dean’s hair. “Hardheaded, yeah, but that’s not a bad thing.”

Dean huffed a melancholy laugh and gripped Castiel’s shirt tighter.

“For me it is,” Dean said. “I can’t accept help. I never could, and I don’t think I can. It’s engrained into my head for some reason that it’s not okay to admit defeat; I have to keep going, and I can’t let anyone see how much it hurts.”

“You’re not admitting defeat if you ask for help,” Castiel said. “When it hurts to keep going, that’s when you need to put any warped perception you have of dignity out of your mind. There’s no reason for you to suffer because you’re alive, and trust me, it’s taken me a _long_ time to accept that.”

“I don’t know how to let people in to help me anymore,” Dean murmured.

“When was the last time you let someone hold you like this?” Castiel asked, hoping to prove a point.

After waiting a beat, Dean replied hesitantly, “Never.”

“Exactly,” Cas said. “If it helps, I don’t get close to people either. I like to think Chuck and Becky are my friends, but I’m not stupid; the minute they get out of here I’ll just be ‘the kid they talked to in treatment’. With you, it’s different. Ask anyone, with my past roommates I never bothered with talking to them beyond asking how they are every now and then. Here I am though; with my arms around you, next to you in your bed. I’ve never really wanted anything before, but I want you. And that’s dangerous.”

“Why is it dangerous?” Dean asked.

“Because this won’t end well,” Cas said. He was slightly reluctant to bring it up, but figured it had to be mentioned at some point. They couldn’t be unrealistically optimistic about whatever the hell it was they were doing for long.

“Why not?” Dean questioned.

“We both know why not,” Castiel said. “You’re smart, Dean, I’m sure you’ve thought about this too. This isn’t gonna be one of those things where two fucked up kids meet in a mental hospital, get through it together, and when they get out live out the rest of their lives together. We don’t get that kind of a happy ending, it’s not how the world works.”

“It’s not how the world works _most of the time_ ,” Dean corrected him, turning his face slightly to glance up at Cas. “Why can’t we be one of the few times it goes in our favor?”

Castiel paused for a second and looked down at Dean, smiling sadly. “We’re not even together,” he said.

“We could be,” Dean suggested with a shrug.

Cas sighed and ran a hand through Dean’s hair, considering it.

“You’re not in your right mind after what you just went through,” Cas finally said.

“I’ve had night terrors before, Cas. It’s over; I can think just fine,” Dean defended, sitting up next to him. He looked at Castiel, slightly confused and annoyed that he was treating him like he wasn’t sane enough to discuss their relationship.

“Let’s just save it for when we wake up, alright?” Castiel asked, sitting up as well. “I don’t think we should make any kind of decision at three in the morning.”

Dean was silent, deciding if he thought that was a good enough argument.

“Fine, we’ll talk about it later,” Dean agreed. He wasn’t sure Cas would even keep his word, since the last time they kissed he hadn’t done anything about it.

“Good. Now get back in here,” Castiel said as he laid down again, motioning for Dean to join him.

Dean rolled his eyes in mock irritation and laid down next to Cas, relaxing when Castiel turned on his side and wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist. He’d never slept with someone like this before, and he definitely liked it. Cas was warm and felt safe, and Dean tangled their legs together as well.

“Getting bold, are we?” Castiel asked teasingly.

“Might as well be,” Dean said with a smirk. “Night, Cas.”

Castiel was suddenly met with that strange, light feeling in his gut at the sentiment. Before Dean, he hadn’t heard those words in months. It was a small comfort, but a comfort that Cas needed all the same.

“Goodnight Dean,” Cas replied, kissing the top of his head gently.

Dean adjusted himself so his face was more level with Castiel’s chest, and listened to Cas’s heartbeat. He never thought something so simple could be so soothing, but hearing the steady rhythm was more than enough to lull Dean to sleep.

 

The next morning, Dean woke up happy for the first time in as long as he could remember. When he opened his eyes, there wasn’t a sense of impending doom or regret that he hadn’t ended everything the night before.

The first thing he saw was Castiel’s collar bone, and he even smelled the familiar scent he’d grown to associate with Cas. Judging by his heavy breathing, he wasn’t awake yet; but Dean was more than willing to wait a little longer for the other boy to wake up.

What felt like only several seconds later, Castiel started moving his fingers through Dean’s hair. It was a small gesture, just the slow opening and closing of his hand like the night before, and he hummed happily.

“Morning,” Castiel said as he and Dean remained in the same position.

Cas had never been more comfortable in his life, and he didn’t have the desire to move any time soon.

“Morning,” Dean replied, burying his face further in Castiel’s chest.

“Mmm, how long have you been up?” Castiel asked.

“Dunno,” Dean said lazily. “Ten minutes?”

“You’re supposed to wake me up, dumbass,” Cas retorted with a small smile on his face.

“You’re a lot less hostile when you’re sleeping,” Dean joked, opening his eyes and tilting his head up to look at Castiel. “But I liked relaxing next to you while you slept.”

Cas rolled his eyes and kissed Dean softly. “You’re a sap, Winchester,” he said.

Dean chuckled and looked at Castiel for a moment, debating whether or not to bring up the conversation they were supposed to be having right now.

“Speaking of…what are we, exactly?” Dean asked, putting a hand on Cas’s chest somewhat hesitantly.

Castiel groaned and leaned his forehead against Dean’s, closing his eyes again. “Do we have to talk about this now?” he asked.

Dean shrugged, pinching some of Cas’s shirt between his fingers and watching as he kneaded it distractedly. He was afraid that he’d lose his confidence if he glanced at Castiel, still intimidated by him.

“I want to,” Dean said, trying to sound like he was sure of himself. “I don’t like this grey area we’re in.”

Cas sighed and nuzzled against Dean’s face, trying to think of what to say.

“There’s no telling what could happen if we do this,” Castiel said, opening his eyes and noticing that Dean still couldn’t bring himself to look at him. It made Cas feel guilty, thinking that Dean was so afraid of what he was going to say.

“Isn’t that half the fun?” Dean asked as he managed a smile and shifted his eyes to look up at Cas. “Yeah, things might not work out. But I think we’re already in too deep to not even give it a chance; I mean, look at us.”

“I guess you’re right there,” Castiel said with a laugh. “But you don’t know me, Dean. You don’t really want to be with me.”

“Then let me get to know you,” Dean countered.

“If you knew me, you’d hate me,” Cas said. “ _I_ hate myself, so why wouldn’t you?”

“It’s hard to like yourself,” Dean said. “I know the feeling. But I already like you, and I want to be with you… so I just proved you wrong.”

“Don’t be cute when I’m trying to protect you,” Castiel said with a small smile that came to his face without his permission.

“Protect me from what, Cas? What could _possibly_ be so awful that you don’t think we should do this?” Dean asked, getting more annoyed at Cas by the second with his constant refusal to put himself out there.

“Just trust me,” Castiel said defiantly. “There’s shit about me you don’t want to know. I’ve got a rough past, and we’re gonna leave it there.” He let his train of thought stop for a moment, along with the desire to push Dean away with everything he had. For some reason, Cas didn’t want to lose this; and there wasn’t a clear thought in his head on what that meant.

“I get that you don’t want to talk about what happened to you,” Dean said understandingly. “There’s obviously a reason as to why you’re here and the staff are the only ones who know anything about you.”

“Stop being so nice to me,” Cas said, feeling undeserving.

“That’s just how I am with people I care about,” Dean said. “You want to tell me why you’re so afraid of this?”

Castiel thought to himself, actually considering telling Dean something before coming to his senses.

“I want this, despite what it seems like,” Castiel said, placing his hand over Dean’s and letting them rest against his chest. “I was the one who kissed you first, after all.”

Dean scoffed and shook his head at Cas jokingly.

“I know you want this. You’ve made that much clear,” Dean said. “You gave me a shitload of mixed signals, but I think I’m starting to understand you better.”

“Yeah, that’s my fantastic social skills at work,” Castiel teased. “I’m sorry I’m a jackass, but that’s hardwired into me.” He took a deep breath and ran his hands up and down Dean’s back as he contemplated everything for a final time. “I think we should do this…but you need to be okay with not knowing certain things about me.”

“I’m okay with that,” Dean said. He understood where Cas was coming from, and even planned to keep a few things about himself hidden away. “You don’t know everything about me either.”

“That’s alright,” Castiel said. “People need secrets. I’d be pretty damn hypocritical to make you tell me about every aspect of your life.”

“Then that makes us self-loathing, secretive, psychotic mental cases in a relationship?” Dean asked, hoping to lighten the mood.

“Exactly,” Castiel said with a laugh.

Dean couldn’t help the smile that jumped to his face, and he stared into those blue oceans in front of him, still intimidated by them.

“I’ve never had a boyfriend before,” Dean said, a sense of pride and happiness rising inside him.

“I doubt that,” Cas said, smirking.

“I’m serious,” Dean insisted. “I’ve had a few girlfriends, but I’ve never met a guy I liked enough to date.”

“Guess that makes me a unicorn then, huh?” Castiel asked sarcastically. There was a tone of sincerity hidden in there somewhere though. “I’ve never had a boyfriend either. It’s always seemed too…I don’t know. Daunting isn’t the right word, but you know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I know,” Dean said, kissing him softly. “Have you tried dating you? It’s scary as fuck.”

“I’m not that scary,” Cas said with a laugh. “Just kiss me already.”

Dean didn’t miss a beat and closed the small distance between their mouths, kissing Castiel deeply. And now that he was allowed, he swiped his tongue across Castiel’s lips before pushing it inside and tracing his mouth.

Of all things, Dean had never expected this out of his stay at Lawrence. He thought he’d go in, get some treatment that didn’t do shit, and leave a few weeks later…not get interested in his roommate and wind up making out with him in his bed, and certainly not get Castiel Novak as a boyfriend.

Now, he was seriously regretting all those chances he could have taken to talk to him before this. They could’ve had more time together if Dean hadn’t been such a self-obsessed dick. Yeah, it would’ve sucked that Cas had to go away soon after that, but it would have been more time regardless. How he’d missed out on what was right in front of him before he’d never understand, but right now they had this.

After what felt like hours, Dean pulled an inch away from Castiel’s lips, smiling.

“What?” Castiel asked, searching Dean’s eyes like they held an answer.

“Nothing,” Dean said, taking one of Castiel’s hands in his and intertwining their fingers. “I’m just thinking about you.”

“All bad things, I hope,” Cas said with a smirk.

“Mostly, yeah,” Dean teased back, which earned him a glare. “Hey, what time is it?”

Castiel turned over and looked at the clock, sighing. “Breakfast just started,” he said. “Wanna get ready?”

“No,” Dean replied. “But we kinda have to, so sure.”

“As much as I want to spend the day in the bed with you like this, that’s something we’ll have to save for when we’re both out of this shithole,” Cas said, slowly standing up and walking over to his dresser.

“True,” Dean said. He got out of bed as well and walked to his dresser.

Castiel timed taking his shirt off when Dean wasn’t looking, so he wouldn’t see any of the new cuts on his arm. Taking a moment to examine them, Cas saw that they were worse than he thought, but not infected. That’s all that mattered in his mind; as long as they didn’t need medical attention they were fine.

Dean looked a little disappointed when he turned around to see that Castiel was already in the middle of putting his pants on.

“Don’t pout, I’m sure you’ll get me naked soon enough,” Cas said, winking at him as he zipped his pants up in an all too sexual way.

Dean rolled his eyes and put his shirt on, followed by his pants. They both finished getting ready by putting their shoes on and walking to the door, but Cas put his hand on the handle.

“You know we can’t really tell anyone about this, right?” Castiel asked incredulously.

“What about Chuck and Becky?” Dean asked, figuring they’d at least tell them at breakfast or something.

“I mean _other_ than Chuck and Becky,” Cas said like that should’ve been clear from the get go. “This isn’t something that’s supposed to happen with patients, Dean. If they found out we’re together, they’d flip and separate us.”

“I kinda guessed that,” Dean said. “No problem. We can handle no PDA while we’re in public.”

“As long as we’re clear on that,” Castiel said. “Not even sitting close together, because they’ll notice. I’ve seen it happen before.”

Dean nodded, not wanting anything like that to happen to them either.

“Then after you,” Castiel said, holding the door open for Dean.

“Thank you good sir,” Dean joked, walking through the doorway.

Cas looked around for orderlies and slapped Dean lightly on the ass before following him into the hall. Dean looked back at him for a moment, then waited for Cas to walk next to him to the dining area.

After they got their food and sat down with Chuck and Becky at their usual table, Becky smiled in a way that was somehow creepier than the way she smiled when she talked about the latest fanfiction she wrote about Chuck’s books.

“What?” Castiel asked, borderline annoyed with her happiness so early in the morning. Becky never seemed to take it personally though, so Dean guessed she was just used to it.

“Took you guys long enough,” she said with a knowing glint in her eye.

“You could tell from being with us for two seconds?” Dean asked, impressed.

“Oh yeah, I’m good with things like this,” Becky stated.

“Am I missing something here?” Chuck asked, totally oblivious.

“Dean and I are together,” Castiel said in a relatively quiet voice, since there was an orderly nearby.

“You are?” Chuck asked, looking back and forth between them, smiling. “That’s awesome you guys. Told you there was nothing to worry about, Cas.”

“Wait, you went to Chuck for advice?” Dean asked, pointing at him.

“I didn’t know what to do,” Castiel admitted, moving his food around with his fork. “Chuck’s a really good listener and I trust him, so I guess that’s what pushed me over the edge and made me agree to all this insanity.”

“You’re welcome,” Chuck said, stabbing his pancake with exaggerated pride. “I’m officially a matchmaker and love expert, and better than all of you.”

Everyone else at the table laughed, and then out of nowhere Gabriel came over and stood over Castiel.

“Cas, can I talk to you for a second?” Gabriel asked.

“Uh, sure,” Castiel said, standing up and walking away with him.

Chuck, Becky, and Dean all watched as the two of them walked to a corner of the room and talked in hushed tones.

“What do you think they’re talking about?” Becky asked.

“He probably heard us,” Dean said, slightly afraid.

“No, I don’t think so,” Chuck said. “Even if he did, he’s Gabriel. He wouldn’t do anything horrible like split you guys up…I don’t think so, anyways.”

No one said anything else, and they all probably looked a little bizarre just staring at Cas and Gabriel as they talked for another minute or so. Gabriel put a hand on Castiel’s shoulder before letting him turn around and walk away.

“Dean, come to the hallway with me,” Castiel said when he got back over to their table.

“Cas, what-?” Dean tried to ask before Castiel cut him off.

“Hallway,” he said sharply, picking up his tray to get rid of the rest of his breakfast. Dean followed, and then joined him outside of the dining area.

“What the hell did Gabriel say?” Dean asked hurriedly. He couldn’t take the anticipation anymore, but Castiel wasn’t freaking out, so that was a good sign.

“He knows,” Cas said. “He was doing rounds last night and saw us in your bed.”

“Fuck,” Dean said, angry with himself for thinking that this could work when shit like that was happening at this place around every corner.

“That was my first thought too,” Castiel said. “But he’s not gonna tell anyone. He just wanted to tell me that he knows. Surprisingly, he’s supportive of it. He thinks that it’s good for us to be together and be happy, so he wanted to say that he hopes things work between us. Apparently he's also planning to go to the manager of the hospital and request that he be put on our hall watch permanently at night, so no other orderlies could walk by and see. He doesn’t trust anyone else, and frankly neither do I.”

Dean’s jaw almost dropped at the explanation, not really believing what was coming out of Castiel’s mouth.

“Isn’t it like, I don’t know, protocol that he tell someone though?” Dean asked, confused.

“Yeah,” Castiel said, gesturing to the air in a way that showed he was just as clueless as he was. “I guess he’s willing to risk it.”

“Wow,” Dean said, touched that Gabriel cared so much after they’d only had one conversation. Most of this likely came from his fondness for Cas though, Dean was sure of it.

“I know,” Cas agreed. “He’s got faith in us…kind of weird, huh?”

“Just a lot,” Dean said with a laugh, running his hands through his hair. “Jesus, I don’t even know how to thank him.”

“Me neither,” Castiel said. “But I’m sure he knows how much we appreciate it.”

Dean nodded and took a deep breath, still dumbstruck by how lucky they were to have someone like Gabriel around.

 

It wasn’t until the end of group therapy that day when things started to take a turn for the worse.

When Rufus dismissed everyone, Castiel brushed his hand against Dean’s absentmindedly, thinking no one would notice. Dean smiled at the silent acknowledgment of where they stood in their relationship now.

They all walked out of the room, but Ruby stopped Dean and Castiel before they were able to head for the cafeteria.

“Hey, you two,” Ruby said sharply.

Dean and Cas turned around, giving the blonde a deadly glare. There was something about her that didn’t sit right with Cas; never had. Dean didn’t like her either. She was stuck up and self-absorbed, not to mention the fact that she had a downright bitchy attitude.

“How long have you guys been fucking?” she asked, raising an eyebrow at them in amusement.

“We’re not fucking, Ruby, and whoever told you that’s out of their goddamn mind,” Castiel defended.

“Oh come on, you could try a little harder than that to deny it,” Ruby said with a smirk, shifting her gaze between the two of them.

“He said we’re not,” Dean stepped in, trying to make it more of a two-against-one so she’d back off. “What does it matter to you?”

“I’m not gonna tell anyone, if that’s what’s got your panties in a twist,” Ruby said, annoyed. “It would be much more fun to sit back and watch it all come burning down. I pegged that you two fags were gonna end up together from the start. You’re both way too fucked up for your own good and you don’t know your own limits…it was meant to be.”

“You’re gonna want to stop talking right now,” Dean warned her, getting seriously pissed off the longer they were with this girl.

“I’ll talk as much as I please, asshole,” Ruby said, taking a step closer to him. “You make me sick, and honestly I think you guys deserve each other. You’re no good pieces of shit, and you always will be. I know way too many people like you, and there’s no hope. You can’t bring back a lost cause…but you know that, right, Cas?”

Dean cornered her against the wall at that, putting his arms on either side of her head.

“Don’t you fucking dare call him that,” Dean growled.

“Dean, she’s not worth it,” Castiel said, stepping closer and putting a hand on his shoulder to coax him to back away. “Don’t listen to her.”

“I’m not gonna let her get some sort of satisfaction out of saying this shit when she doesn’t know what the fuck she’s talking about!” Dean yelled, hitting the wall right next to Ruby’s face in intimidation.

Unfortunately an orderly chose that exact moment to walk around the nearest corner, and yanked Dean away from Ruby.

“What’s going on?” the man asked, looking from Dean to Castiel to Ruby.

“He just started screaming at me,” Ruby said, her eyes starting to water. Damn, she was good. “I didn’t even do anything and he just yelled at me and threatened to hurt me.”

“That’s not what happened, don’t listen to her,” Castiel interrupted, hoping the orderly would take his word over hers.

“I don’t care about the technicalities of what happened,” the orderly said, taking his hand off of Dean’s shoulder when it was obvious that he would remain calm. “The point is, that type of behavior isn’t allowed here. You’ve got a warning for solitary.”

“It’s not like I hit her or anything,” Dean said in his defense as the orderly started to walk away.

“I know; but we’ve got strict guidelines about conduct around other patients and you just violated that,” the man explained as he finished turning a corner.

“Shit,” Dean said, holding his head in his hands.

“You’re lucky I didn’t say you punched me,” Ruby said, quickly stopping the crocodile tears she’d been crying moments before. “I could’ve ended you right then and there.”

“What the hell is your problem with me all of a sudden?” Dean asked, angry. “I’m not in the mood to deal with any of your head games, so exactly why are you out for me?”

“Because I’m bored,” Ruby said with a shrug. “I’ve been here for a week and a half, and there’s nothing to do. The most emotionally closed off guy here and the new kid start dating? Yeah, I’m gonna have a little fun with that.” She winked and turned around, flipping them off as she turned a corner. “I’ll see you girls later,” she called over her shoulder, blowing them a kiss before disappearing.

“I fucking hate her,” Dean said, trying to calm down his breathing. “She thinks she can mess with us because she doesn’t have anything better to do?”

“That’s just Ruby for you,” Cas said. “Ignore her; she’s harmless.”

“I don’t understand how you can just ignore someone like that,” Dean said, shaking his head.

“Okay, I think this is the first time you need to listen to me, as your boyfriend,” Castiel said, hoping that would make Dean pay attention. “Try not to let things like this get under your skin. It doesn’t help anyone, and in the end you just get pissed off and riled up and in this case, you wind up in solitary…and I’m not letting that happen to you.”

“I know, you’re right,” Dean said, accepting the fact that Castiel knew what he was talking about. It was hard for him not to let things bother him, but he supposed he could try. “I haven’t even been here three days and I’m already in danger of going to solitary…that isn’t good.” He huffed a laugh and ran a hand through his hair, realizing pretty much nothing about his stay here had turned out like he had expected.

“It’s okay, it’s just a warning,” Castiel said, putting a hand on his shoulder after quickly glancing around for orderlies. “As long as you don’t pull anything like that again, you’ll be fine.”

“Yeah, as long as I’m not that much of an impulsive idiot,” Dean agreed, walking down the hallway with Castiel to where lunch was being served.

The problem was that he wasn’t sure if he could avoid being an impulsive idiot that much longer. He didn’t have as much control over himself as he liked to think he did, and if anybody set him off at this point, there was no telling what he’d do.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooh conflict! That Ruby's a bitch.  
> Thanks, everyone! It means so much that you guys keep reading and giving me feedback, and thank you for sticking by the story. I'm definitely proud of it so far, and I'm glad I can share this with you :)


	6. Lessons in Unraveling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright guys, here's chapter six! :) I hope you all like it, and thanks so much for all the awesome reviews! 
> 
> Fair warning: for this chapter's TW, there's a bit of a spoiler for the end of it. So if you think you can handle it regardless, just scroll past the TW. 
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> TW: attempted suicide

Dean and Castiel had art together for the first time that day after lunch, and needless to say they were both looking forward to it.

They walked to the room and Castiel held the door open for him with an amused look on his face.

“When are you gonna let me open some doors for you?” Dean asked as he entered the art room, keeping his head turned to look at Cas as he followed.

“When you get to the door first,” Castiel said. “Here, let’s sit in the back.”

Dean followed him to two seats in the back of the room and looked around, confused by the fact that the supervisor was sitting at the front of the room watching everyone. He figured that since this was a creative class, someone would be teaching it. It made sense, at least to him.

“Is she gonna give us an assignment or something?” Dean asked, moving his head in the direction of the supervisor that was quietly observing from the front of the room.

“You’re still too much in the school mindset of everything,” Castiel said. “She just sits there and lets us ‘be creative on our own’. It’s her thing. We basically just sit here and decide what we want to do. Macaroni art, etcetera.”

Dean scoffed and picked a piece of blank paper that was at the top of their shared desk for two.

“I think I’m just gonna doodle then,” Dean said, getting a pencil from the jar as well.

“Take the easy way out why don’t you?” Castiel joked as he picked up a pencil and started doing intricate line work on a piece of paper he picked up.

“We can’t all be artists here,” Dean retorted, glancing over at Cas’s drawing. “You didn’t tell me you could draw either. That’s just not fair…you don’t get to play an instrument, sing, and draw. It’s forbidden; I won’t allow it.”

Cas laughed and raised an eyebrow at him. “Forbidden, huh?” he asked.

“Totally not allowed,” Dean confirmed, nodding at the paper with the already impressive start to a drawing.

“And what are you gonna do if I keep going?” Castiel asked, biting his tongue.

Dean got flustered and looked down for a second, unsure of how to respond…with confidence, anyways.

“Do you have to say shit like that when you know I don’t have an answer?” Dean finally asked, knowing the remnants of his blush were still all over his face.

“We’re gonna need to work on your dirty talk, that’s for sure,” Cas said, smiling at how easily Dean was put out of his element.

“I’m new at this, so don’t act like you didn’t know what you were getting into,” Dean said, picking up his pencil again.

“That’s true,” Castiel admitted. “But if it helps, I’m not that great an artist; especially compared to everyone else here.”

“Who’s the best, then?” Dean asked, looking around the room. “Hold on, let me guess first.”

Cas shook his head fondly at Dean and let him dramatically survey the crowd of people, making his decision.

“That kid,” Dean said, pointing at a boy in the front corner of the room, hunched over his drawing protectively.

He was very avid about whatever it was that he was doing, and from what Dean could see of him from this terrible angle he looked like an artsy type.

“Almost,” Castiel said. “That’s Greg. He’s pretty good, but not the best. He’s got some sort of paranoid disorder, which is why he always has the nervous posture. The real art genius here, at least as far as I know, is Andy Gallagher. He’s the guy in the blue hoodie in the second row.” Cas gestured to the teenager who was concentrating heavily on the paper in front of him.

Dean hadn’t even noticed the boy when he first walked in, and looked at him properly from where they were sitting now.

“People don’t usually pay that much attention to him,” Castiel said somewhat sadly. “He’s got kind of a big anti-social disorder, so it’s hard for anyone to get along with him that well. You think we’re off-putting? This guy turns borderline catatonic whenever someone tries to talk to him.”

Dean tilted his head as he looked at Andy, noticing how utterly normal he seemed. It just went to show that it was impossible to tell who was going through a rough time and who wasn’t. That may be one of the most clichéd things to say, but it was slowly starting to hit Dean that there really wasn’t a requirement for how anyone was supposed to act or look that constituted having a mental issue. Everyone had their own problems that they dealt with.

“That’s…really sad, actually,” Dean said as it dawned on him that Andy’s probably had a hard life.

Not being able to talk to people was something he only understood on a small level. He had days when he didn’t want to speak to anyone, just like pretty much everyone else he knew, but for the most part he was fine with talking to people. He loved talking to Ash and Sam, and could hold conversations with people he didn’t like if it had to be done. It must be awful to have so much difficult talking to others, most likely to the point of isolation if he ended up here it was so bad.

“Yeah, it is,” Cas agreed, side glancing at him. “He’s a nice guy, from what I can tell.”

“How long has he been here?” Dean asked.

“Longer than I have,” Castiel said. “He’s been getting a little better though. The art teacher complimented his work a couple days ago and he mumbled something back, which is more than I’ve seen him say in months.”

Now they were both watching Andy as he drew whatever it was he was so enthralled with. Every now and then he leaned over his paper to make sure something was precise before continuing.

“I want to talk to him,” Dean decided.

“Should I feel threatened?” Castiel asked jokingly, taking note of how Dean was still staring at Andy.

“You get jealous, huh? Good to know,” Dean teased back, turning his attention back to Cas.

“I don’t get jealous,” Castiel denied. “Unless you start talking to someone really hot. Then I’ll have a problem.” He smirked, nudging Dean lightly.

“Fair enough. Promise I won’t,” Dean said, giving a small smile back at him. “But seriously, do you think he’d flip if I went over there and said hey?”

“I have no idea,” Cas shrugged. “I said hi to him a few weeks before you came and he just kind of stared at me nervously and walked away. It might be fine. By the time I got here everyone just kind of knew to stay away from him and not bother; if he feels better now, it’s probably pretty lonely when no one thinks they can approach you.”

“Then I might as well,” Dean said, standing up. “At least he won’t think I’m a jackass for trying.”

“You’re a good person, Dean. Really,” Castiel said.

“That might be the nicest thing you’ve said to me,” Dean half-joked.

“Plenty more where that came from. You just gotta earn it,” Cas said with a wink.

“I’ll be right back,” Dean said, walking over to Andy.

Andy had an entire row of chairs to himself as he drew, and Dean casually sat down in the seat next to him. The other teenager stopped what he was doing and looked at Dean, confused.

He was probably 17, with brown messy hair and stubble. He wore a hoodie and jeans, and ultimately looked like a tired kid; not a mental patient.

“Hey Andy,” Dean said, smiling at him in as friendly a manner as he could. “I’m Dean. I’m new here.”

Andy looked slightly scared as he took Dean in, scanning him for signs of insincerity.

“Hi,” Andy said quietly, going back to drawing. He wasn’t making it very easy for Dean to break the ice, but he wasn’t pushing him away either, so Dean tried a little harder.

“That’s really cool,” Dean said, catching a glimpse of what Andy was so busy sketching. “It kinda looks like something out of the comic books I have back at my place.”

Andy kept his eyes glued to how his pencil moved across the paper, and it almost seemed like he’d forgotten Dean was there.

“I like comic books,” he practically whispered.

Dean grinned, almost unable to believe that he was getting a response out of Andy so painlessly.

“Me too; they’re badass,” Dean said. “I wish I could draw like that, but the most I can do is a car; call me limited.”

Andy quickly let his eyes wander to Dean’s face before snapping them back to his paper.

“Why are you talking to me?” Andy asked in a voice so low Dean almost missed the question.

Dean’s face fell a little when Andy expressed his concern for an ulterior motive.

“I don’t know, you seemed like maybe you could use a friend,” Dean said, moving his hand so it was slightly closer to Andy’s arm in a comforting gesture.

The brunette looked over at Dean, still hunched over a little as he gauged if the other boy was serious or not.

“I know you’re not new, but I needed a friend when I first got here,” Dean elaborated. “I didn’t think I did, but everything was a little easier with one. You seem cool; I mean hell, you’re an artist. I’d love to be your friend, Andy, and if you want one you know where to find me.”

Andy didn’t say anything and his eyes widened just to the point of noticing. The expression on his face had softened, and he even looked Dean in the eyes for a brief moment before drawing again.

“Alright, well I just wanted to uh, say hi,” Dean said. “I hope you have a good day, Andy; you deserve it.”

Andy’s eyes made one final sweep over in Dean’s direction, and he nodded before focusing back on drawing.

Dean walked back to Castiel with a victorious look on his face and sat down at his original seat next to him.

“How’d it go? You were over there longer than I expected,” Cas asked, putting his pencil down. He’d always been a little curious about Andy, since he was the only one who held an air of mystery about him other than himself. Not only that, but he was a tough one to crack if anyone’s recent attempts to talk to him were anything to go by.

“Better than I thought it would,” Dean said, unsure of what to compare his responsiveness to. “He said hi, told me he liked comic books, and I offered to be his friend if he ever felt like he needed one.”

“He said hi and told you he liked comic books?” Castiel asked, astounded.

“Yep. Guess I’m just so awesome he decided to talk to me,” Dean said with false pride.

“Shut up,” Cas said playfully. “Maybe I’ll talk to him sometime, if he feels well enough to talk to you.”

“Why not now?” Dean asked.

“Because you just talked to him,” Castiel said. “I don’t know about him, but if I had social anxiety that bad and someone tried to have a conversation with me, that would be all I could handle that day.”

“True,” Dean said. “Better safe than sorry when it comes to these kinds of things.”

“Yep,” Castiel agreed. “Get back to your drawing, I want to see it before class is over.”

“Alright,” Dean said, picking up his pencil. “You too.”

Castiel got back to his drawing as well, and Dean suddenly got really focused on what he was doing. It was just another picture of his dad’s car, which was probably getting fixed up now. An insanely badass 1967 Chevy Impala that he’d spent so much time working on he could get every detail of it perfect on paper.

Suddenly, he was snapped out of his concentration by a voice that came from over his shoulder.

“That’s excellent,” the woman behind him said.

Dean turned around in surprise, not even hearing her approach him. He didn’t miss Castiel’s smirk at his shock into reality, and gently kicked his foot under the table.

“Uh, thanks,” Dean said, looking from the drawing to her and back.

“I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Pamela,” the supervisor introduced herself, extending her hand. She had wavy black hair and was wearing a tank top and skinny jeans; not exactly the usual attire for someone who worked in a mental ward.

“Dean,” he greeted, shaking her hand. “But you probably knew that.”

“I don’t like to be that teacher,” Pamela said. “The one who reads the files about new patients and automatically assumes they know everything about them. All I know is your name; I make it a point to do that. Seems kind of unfair for me to know you without you knowing me.”

Dean glanced at Castiel as if he didn’t fully believe what Pamela was saying because well…he wasn’t sure if he should.

“She means it,” Cas said, giving Pamela a small smile. “Ever since I got here she’s been nice to me, probably because she doesn’t know anything about why I’m here.”

“You’re a cool guy, Cas; I’d like you any way you came,” Pamela said with a reassuring pat on his shoulder. Dean looked at her warily before she laughed and said, “I don’t really believe in the whole no-touching thing. If the patient’s okay with it, I’ll do little things like this now and then. It can drive you crazy, you know; not having anyone touch you for a really long time. I don’t see the sense in depriving you of that, especially since you’re kind of…already here. I think we should focus on keeping you bunch as sane as possible.”

Dean nodded in agreement, starting to warm up to her already. “So, do you only teach art here?” he asked.

“Teach is a strong word,” Pamela said, crossing her arms as she thought of the right word to use. “I help patients create. I think it’s wrong to try to force a lesson plan for art on anyone. It usually doesn’t have any profound effect on someone to have them make a wooden sculpture of a monument, you know what I mean?”

“Yeah,” Dean said. “That’s why I hated taking art at school.”

“Me too,” Pamela said with a smirk. “Art is a creative thing, so it shouldn’t be confined down to what someone tells you to do. We’ve got a ton of options here, which is really cool. I’ve noticed most patients just stick to paper and pencil though. It’s easy, and it helps the time pass by.”

“It’s definitely a nice break from the emotional trauma we have to re-live every day,” Castiel said with a fake grin.

“Don’t sass me,” Pamela joked with a half-smile. “But yeah, you deserve a break. Most of you have this after therapy anyway, so it’s a good way to unwind.”

“Yeah,” Dean said. It was true; after listening to other people, and sometimes even himself, pour their hearts out, it was great to not have to think about anything for an hour.

“Not to mention a good way to weed out the talented kids,” Pamela said, picking up the drawing of the Impala on Dean’s paper. “I meant it when I said this was really good.”

“It’s literally the only thing I can draw, but thanks,” Dean said.

“That doesn’t matter,” Pamela commented, setting it back down. “It’s a great start.”

“Jesus, Pam; where are my compliments?” Castiel asked teasingly, gesturing to his drawing.

“Everyone already knows you’re a good artist, smartass, but keep up the good work,” Pamela said.

“Never hurts to hear nice things,” Cas teased.

Pamela nodded and turned to Dean. “Did I see you talking to Andy earlier?” she asked.

“Yeah,” Dean said.

“Thanks for doing that,” Pamela said appreciatively, this time giving Dean a pat on the shoulder. “He could use someone around here who understands that it’s hard for him to branch out. I think both of you would be really helpful to him.”

“I’ll ask if he wants to eat dinner with us when we see him in the dining hall later,” Castiel offered.

“I bet he’d love that,” Pamela said. “Now, as much as I want to stay here and chat with you guys, I should probably get to a few other patients and see how they’re doing.”

“Alright, bye Pam,” Castiel said as she turned to walk to someone else’s desk.

“Bye,” Dean said as they both started drawing again.

“Do I get to know what you’re working on?” Dean asked.

“Nope. You’ll have to wait,” Cas said.

They spent the rest of art taking about random things, and when class was over Pamela stood up at her desk.

“Alright everyone. Art’s over for the day, so you can all head off to your next activity,” she announced.

Dean turned to Cas and raised an eyebrow. “Show me,” he said.

“Here’s my masterpiece,” Castiel said, sliding his paper over to Dean.

It was a picture of him, and Dean widened his eyes in surprise. Not only was it of him, but it was incredible. There were little details in it that he never would have thought of, like the distinct pattern on his shirt that looked insanely lifelike.

“It’s me,” Dean said in astonishment. “And it’s…amazing.”

“Thanks,” Castiel said, smiling at Dean’s reaction. “You can keep it if you want.”

“Really? Thanks,” Dean replied. And if they weren’t in a public art room, he would’ve kissed him.

“No problem,” Castiel said. “Come on, let’s go.” He motioned for them to stand and Dean followed him out of the room.

“What do you have now?” Castiel asked.

“Private therapy, what about you?” Dean said.

“I’ve got a free hour,” Cas said. “So I have to find someone around here to talk to that’s not boring as hell. Becky and Chuck have music, so hopefully someone tolerable has this hour off too.”

“Well good luck,” Dean said. “I’d much rather be with you, but I have to confess my innermost thoughts and feelings to Crowley instead.”

Castiel smiled and looked around before taking Dean’s hand in his.

“I’ll see you as soon as you’re out of Crowley’s office,” Castiel promised. “I’ll even wait for you outside the door.”

Dean grinned and squeezed Cas’s hand. “Sounds perfect,” he said. “I’ll hold you to that.”

“You’d better,” Cas said, letting their hands drop. “I’ll see you in a hour."

“See ya,” Dean said before turning a corner and walking into Crowley’s office.

“Dean, good to see you,” Crowley greeted when he looked up from his desk and saw Dean standing in the doorway.

“You too,” Dean said, making his way over to his usual seat in the elongated chair that was really more of a couch near one of the windows. He’d figured out by his second session that he liked sitting over there better, even though it was more of a stereotypical shrink chair. Sunlight came through it and he could see just outside the office into the forest that was just out of reach.

Now Crowley sat in the chair he used to sit in, turned slightly so he could face Dean more properly.

Dean sighed as he laid down in the long chair, letting his head rest on one of the pillows where the back of the seat began.

“Someone looks tired,” Crowley said, sitting down and putting his notepad in his lap. He’d been taking less notes after their first session, which definitely put Dean at ease. He was pretty sure that Crowley wrote more about him after he left, but the therapist had probably picked up on the fact that it made him nervous to see all the scribbles on the paper when he left.

“Just a little,” Dean said with a sigh, closing his eyes for a little longer than a blink before opening them again.  
“Didn’t sleep well?” Crowley asked.

“Not really,” Dean said. “I had a night terror.”

Crowley’s brows furrowed together in concern. “Are you alright? Did you get a nurse?” he asked.

“No. Cas actually helped me,” Dean said. “It wasn’t bad enough that I needed a nurse. After Cas calmed me down I was okay to sleep through the rest of the night.”

“That’s not an easy job, getting someone through a night terror,” Crowley commented.

“I wouldn’t know,” Dean said with a shrug. “It’s not like it was my first one or anything; I’m kind of used to them.”

“What happened in it, if you don’t mind my asking?” Crowley inquired, interest taking over his expression.

“The accident,” Dean said, almost with hesitation. He looked down at his hands and started fidgeting with his fingers nervously.

“Care to elaborate?”

“Um sure, I’ll try,” Dean said, swallowing audibly. “It was just, uh…a really vivid flashback, basically. It was like the whole thing happened again. I was in the car with my dad and we were talking, then the truck came. You kind of know the rest.”

“I’m really sorry about that,” Crowley said with sympathy in his eyes as he wrote something down quickly. “You said you’d had night terrors before…have they all been about the accident, or do they vary?”

“It’s usually just the accident,” Dean said. “Sometimes it’s just a really vivid nightmare, but that’s really rare. It’s maybe happened two times since the accident a few weeks ago, but the rest of them were all that night.”

“Well I’m glad Cas was there to help you,” Crowley said with a knowing smile.

“Why do I get the feeling you’re trying to get something out of me by bringing Cas up?” Dean asked, turning his head to look at Crowley skeptically.

“You caught me,” Crowley said. “I know you two have a thing, or whatever the kids call it these days. I think it’s nice, if I’m being honest. If you’re happy, who the hell am I to judge that? Besides, getting someone to calm down from a night terror isn’t something to shake your head at, like I said. I might even dare to say he’s becoming one of your anchors.”  
“My what?” Dean asked.

“Your anchors,” Crowley re-iterated. “You already said that your Sam and your mum help keep you grounded, right?”

“Oh,” Dean said as the connection finally clicked.

“Exactly,” Crowley said. “They’re your anchors. Now Dean, I’m about to ask you a very personal question; and you don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to. Have you ever felt suicidal?”

Dean was slightly taken aback by the question, and cleared his throat before nervously averting his eyes. “Yeah, I have,” he said softly, silently hoping that Crowley hadn’t heard him.

“And when you feel that way, what do you think of that talks you down from the ledge?” Crowley asked.

“Sam,” Dean answered immediately. “Him and my mom and Ash. I don’t want to do that to them; I don’t think I could. I wouldn’t have it in me, if that makes sense.”

Crowley nodded. “I understand,” he said. “That’s a good thing. They hold you here when you feel like you’re at your lowest; they make you feel safe and loved, don’t they?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Dean said. “It’s more of an obligation though. Like if I left them it would mean Sam wouldn’t have a brother, my mom would lose a son, and Ash would be destroyed. I don’t really think about the fact that I wouldn’t have them anymore…it’s more of a matter of I’d be letting them down.”

“So you’d feel guilty for leaving them more than you focus on how they make you feel,” Crowley said. “They’re less of a comfort and more of a burden, almost.”

“Yeah, almost,” Dean said. “I mean, I feel like shit for saying that because it’s not like I’m angry at them for holding me back from offing myself or anything.”

“No, of course not,” Crowley said. “It’s just that in the moment, you’re more inclined to stop because of the weight they put on your shoulders instead of how they lift you up.”

“I’ve never thought about it like that,” Dean said, looking at Crowley. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that maybe in those times, you could try to shift your focus to how they help you,” Crowley said. “Like Sam, for instance. You have fun when you’re with him, and I’m sure you have a lot of great memories. Instead of feeling like you have to stick around to be a brother to him, think about all those great times you had together and how much you love being so lucky to have him in your life. Your mother’s always supported you as far as I know…am I wrong?”

“No, she has,” Dean confirmed.

“Then think about how amazing she is and how she’s been there for you all your life,” Crowley continued. “And I don’t know much about Ash, but friends are usually easy to think of good times with. It may be an ancient thing to say, but you’ve got your whole life ahead of you. New memories to make, people to meet and places to see. Think about all the great things you’d miss out on rather than what you’ve been torturing yourself with.”

Dean breathed deeply, knowing Crowley was right about everything. “I know those feelings are there,” he said. “I just push them down, I guess. It’s easier for me to think of them as a burden.”

“Do you think that might be because it’s hard for you to accept the fact that you deserve to be alive?” Crowley asked.

Dean cocked his head in confusion.

“Some suicidal people feel, deep down, that they deserve to live. Even if they aren’t aware of it,” Crowley explained. “And in their minds, they warp things so they feel like they have the responsibility of staying here rather than choosing to live because they have the strength to do so. They’re comfortable with being depressed, so it’s strange and foreign for them to feel like they’re worth something, and they disguise the desire to live for themselves with the necessity to live for others.”

It took a minute for that to sink in to Dean, but it slowly wove its way into his mind and stuck there.

“I think you just helped me have my first breakthrough,” Dean said with a small laugh.

Crowley smiled and took as big of a bow as he could manage while sitting in a chair. “You’re too kind,” he joked. “You think that applies to you, then?”

“Yeah, I think it does,” Dean said, allowing a small smile to come over his face. After all this time, he finally knew at least something about how he felt.

“Well I’m glad I could help you come to that realization,” Crowley said. “Sometimes it takes a bit of guessing and prodding.”

Dean sat up and looked at him with gratitude. “I know this isn’t a whole lot, but thanks so much, Crowley,” he said.

“You’re welcome, Dean,” Crowley said. He looked back at the clock and saw their hour was up. “I’m sorry we’ve got to cut off the epiphanies here for today, but I’d say it’s pretty great that we got to end on such a great note.”

“Yeah, it is,” Dean said. “Thanks again; I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow, Dean,” Crowley said with a smile.

Dean stood up and walked out of the room, excited to see Cas. But when he opened the door, Castiel wasn’t there.

He narrowed his eyes in slight confusion. “Cas?” Dean called out, turning his head in both directions down the hallway.

He shrugged when he couldn’t find him and went to the main socializing room, figuring he might have gotten held up with Lucifer or something.

When he walked inside the room, there were only two other people in there that he didn’t recognize.

“Hey, either of you guys seen Cas?” Dean asked them, hoping maybe they’d know where he’d gone.

“Nope, sorry,” one of them answered. The other shrugged in agreement, and Dean sighed.

“Well, thanks anyway,” Dean said, trying to smile gratefully at them before leaving.

He thought for a moment, trying to figure out where he could’ve gone. Dean went to one end of the hallway and worked his way down every room, glancing inside and not seeing him in any of them.

It was dinner, so Dean decided to try the dining hall for lack of anything else. Granted, it didn’t make a lot of sense that he’d ditch Dean to get to dinner early, but who knows? Something could have come up.

When Dean started walking down the main hallway to get there, he heard yelling. Not sure what to do, he turned and started going towards the noise, recognizing the voice that was doing the screaming as Castiel’s.

Feeling a sense of panic and alarm rise inside him, Dean started fast walking to get to the door that the sound was coming from.

Just before Dean could reach it, Castiel stormed out and slammed the door behind him, screaming at the wall.

“Cas!” Dean shouted, running up to him and placing a hand on his shoulder. “What happened, are you okay?”

Castiel turned to face him, with tears running down his cheeks and his face contorted in an expression of rage and pain. He pushed Dean’s arm away from him and put his hands on either side of his head, screaming at the floor.

Dean looked around and didn’t notice any orderlies or anything, so he let Castiel have his episode or whatever it was for a few seconds before trying to speak to him again. While Castiel was busy yelling, Dean looked inside the room he’d come out of-the visitor’s room. There was a woman inside who could have been his mother, crying into her hands.

“Cas, talk to me,” Dean said firmly when Castiel had stopped panicking. He put his hands on Cas’ shoulders and tried to get him to focus. “Come on, what happened?”

“Why?!” Castiel screamed, looking at Dean with desperate watery eyes, like he somehow had the answer. “I don’t understand!”

“Hey, it’s alright; just tell me what’s wrong,” Dean said gently, trying to comfort him.

“No! Don’t you get it? Nothing’s ever going to be alright again! It’s all his fucking fault, and no one can fix it. I’m done with trying; it’s not fucking worth it!” Castiel went off, turning sharply and walking away from Dean.

“Cas, don’t do that,” Dean said, catching up to him.

“Leave me the fuck alone,” Castiel said, his voice eerily calm and cold; a new level of intimidation.

“Why are you shutting me out?” Dean asked, refusing to stop walking with him.

“Just give me a goddamn minute to myself and get out of here,” Cas warned when they reached their room, opening the door. “I’ll be fine, don’t worry.”

Dean started to say something and step forward when Castiel closed the door in his face, leaning against it so Dean couldn’t open it. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do, so after several minutes of failed attempts to get inside, he walked away. There was nothing he could do if Cas needed some time to himself, and he knew that it was one of those things people had to have every now and then. Dean was an expert when it came to that.

He went to the dining hall and found Chuck and Becky, telling them everything that had happened. Dean had no idea what he was supposed to do, and they knew Cas better than he did.

“Cas had a breakdown?” Chuck asked in disbelief.

“I guess you could call it that,” Dean said with a shrug. “I don’t know how he normally is when he has a bad time, so I wasn’t sure.”

“He doesn’t have bad times…not that he lets anyone know about anyways,” Becky said.

“He doesn’t?” Dean asked.

“No, he doesn’t,” Chuck said. “I’m sure he likes you, Dean, but something really serious must have gone down if he started screaming in the middle of the hallway. He doesn’t let anyone know what he’s thinking, let alone risk the entire floor finding out he’s losing his shit over something.”

“It’s true,” Becky said. “I’ve never heard of Cas having a rough day. We figure he has them, ‘cause everyone here does, but he’s never brought it up. Every day he’s the same sarcastic, not-emotionally-invested-in-anything Cas.”

Dean thought to himself for a moment before standing up. “I’m gonna go check on him,” he said. “Just to be sure he’s alright.”

Chuck and Becky nodded, waving as he left the dining hall.

There was a creeping feeling of dread falling over Dean as he made his way to their room, but he tried to shake it off. He was already paranoid about everything, and there was no reason for him to go into overdrive other than that…just paranoia.

But all of Dean’s worst fears came true as he opened the door to their room and saw Castiel hanging from the tallest corner of his armoire; a noose made from bed sheets wrapped around his neck and blood dripping from countless cuts on his arms onto the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaah ok, I promise this isn't a major character death fic! This story is a pretty long way from being over, so Cas is gonna be fine...eventually. I swear there's going to be a happy ending though, so don't sweat it too much :) Poor Dean...what's gonna happen?


	7. Minutes to Hours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go everyone! And slight announcement: I'll probably be posting chapters late Sunday nights now instead of early Monday mornings. It's just easier on me to post them late after I try to finish editing rather than get it uploaded before I go to school. There are probably gonna be a few exceptions, but for the most part that's how things will be from now on. 
> 
> For this chapter, TW: mention of suicide attempt, mention of self-harm

Dean wasn’t sure when he started screaming. The second he saw Cas, everything around him became silent and black except for that horrible hanging form. It was swaying dully side to side, and suddenly Dean couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t say how long he’d been standing there, but it probably wasn’t much longer than a few seconds.

The next thing Dean was aware of was the fact that he _was_ screaming. He wasn’t sure if he’d made any noise at all until he suddenly realized that he’d been shrieking.

“ _Help! Somebody,_ please _! I need help!”_ Dean yelled as he ran over to Castiel and tried to take the noose off of the top of the armoire. His hands were shaking and he barely managed to get Cas down before a nurse came running into the room.

“What’s going on?!” she yelled.

When Dean turned towards the familiar voice, he recognized it was Charlie.

“ _Charlie, help him!_ ” Dean screamed hopelessly, hugging Cas against him while he cried.

“I need stretcher and a doctor available in the ER _now_!” Charlie shouted to the hallway where an orderly was waiting to check on the commotion as well.

Dean was completely numb to everything around him, holding onto Castiel with everything he had. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d cried so openly, and the tears didn’t show any signs of stopping.

“Please be okay,” Dean whispered, starting to rock back and forth with Cas in his arms. “Please, you have to be okay…this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. You’ll be fine, everything’s gonna be fine.” He wasn’t sure if he was talking more to Castiel or himself, but both of them needed it.

Charlie had run out of the room to get something after she told the orderly to help her, so Dean kissed him on the forehead and buried his face in his hair. Castiel’s skin was cold and Dean couldn’t hear him breathing, sending a new bolt of panic through every part of him.

“You can’t die,” Dean said, choking on every syllable. “Not like this. Come on Cas, stay with me.”

Charlie burst into the room with several other nurses and a stretcher, looking at Dean apologetically.

“Dean, help me get Cas on the stretcher,” she ordered.

Dean nodded wordlessly and helped her lie Castiel down on the gurney, running after them as they started quickly wheeling the stretcher down the hallway.

“Dean, you’ll have to wait here for now, okay?” Charlie said, looking back at him as they neared the elevator to get Cas to the emergency room.

“No, I want to be with him!” Dean yelled without realizing he’d raised his voice.

“I’ll come get you as soon as I can, but you need to let the doctors work on him for a bit. I’ll let you know when you can see him,” Charlie promised as the doors to elevator opened.

Dean couldn’t do anything except nod as he kept crying, watching Castiel lie down on a stretcher like that. He looked completely lifeless, but Dean refused to accept that. Not now, not ever. This wasn’t happening, and this was _not_ how Cas was going to die.

As soon as the elevator doors closed and he couldn’t see Cas anymore, Dean collapsed to his knees and let himself weep. Even after he was sure that he would have cried himself out, there were more and more sobs that wracked his body. It _hurt_ …everything hurt. As Dean surrendered to feeling more defeated than he ever had in his life, he let his head fall forward and hit the hard ground, slamming his fist into the tiled floor next to him.

“Why?!” Dean screamed desperately. He hadn’t felt this broken since his dad died, and because he’d already been through that this almost seemed worse. He couldn’t take any more pain, and if Castiel didn’t make it Dean didn’t know how he was going to survive.

“Dean?” he heard Ellen’s voice say from near him.

Dean hadn’t even realized that he’d passed the front desk while trying to watch Cas, but he must have. Ellen had probably been watching as he cried to make sure he was okay, which he didn’t think he could be again.

He didn’t respond to her, but felt her sit down next to him after a few seconds and put a hand on his shoulder while his forehead still rested against the floor.

“I heard,” Ellen said softly. “I’m so sorry.” She squeezed his shoulder comfortingly and let Dean try to stop crying as he raised his face but didn’t make eye contact with her. “I hope he’s okay.”

“Me too,” Dean whispered. It was all he could manage, and he brought a hand up to his mouth, refusing to let himself cry again.

“Come here,” Ellen said, putting an arm around his shoulders.

Dean hesitantly leaned into the touch and looked up at the ceiling, breathing deeply. He closed his eyes for a minute and tried to focus on anything that wasn’t Castiel hanging limply from a frantically made noose with blood all over his arms. It was useless, though…whenever he even blinked that’s all he saw. Over and over again it was just the grotesque image and overwhelming feeling of death making it hard to breathe.

“I don’t know what to do,” Dean said in agony. “I can’t just wait here, what if something happens to him?”

“No matter what happens, all you can do is be there every second you’re allowed,” Ellen said. “I’m sure they’re doing everything they can to save him. He’s strong, you know. He can make it.”

“But what if he doesn’t?” Dean asked, his voice barely audible. Ellen sighed and opened her mouth to speak before Dean cut her off. “No, I can’t think like that…not now. You’re right, he can make it.”

“We both know how stubborn he is,” Ellen said, trying to make Dean feel better. “If anyone can fight their way through this, it’s him. If for no other reason, he’d do it for you.”

Dean looked at her, confused and terrified. Had she figured it out?

She gave him a small, knowing smile and squeezed his shoulder. “I haven’t seen someone this upset since I worked in the ER. And everyone there who acted like you just did was afraid they’d lost someone they cared about a lot,” Ellen elaborated. “I won’t tell anyone though. I get it; you met him, things happened, and now you have to keep it under wraps so they don’t separate you. I think it’s a pretty screwed up system if you ask me. You shouldn’t be kept apart from anyone, especially your boyfriend.”

Dean’s expression relaxed slightly and he put his head in his hands. “Thank you,” he said quietly. “That means a lot to me…to us, really.”

“You’re welcome,” Ellen said. She sighed and looked around them at the tiled floor before staring at Dean again. “You can wait here until they tell you it’s okay to go see him, if you want.”

“Are you sure?” Dean asked.

“Of course I’m sure,” she replied. “I’d rather have you out here with magazines and me to talk to than back in there for lights out in a room by yourself. Granted, I don’t have any beds, but I have a feeling you wouldn’t be sleeping much tonight anyways.”

Dean nodded, still unable to comprehend what had just happened. And had it _just_ happened? It already felt like hours ago. There was no way he’d be able to keep himself calm until he heard news from Charlie or some other doctor, but even then it could just be a confirmation that Cas had died. If that happened, he didn’t know what he was going to do.

He knew it was ridiculous that he was getting so attached to Castiel so quickly, but couldn’t be bothered by it. Dean had always attached to people quickly if he let them in, and Cas was no exception.

He didn’t think he could take any more of the stabbing pains in his chest. It was all too much, and there was no escaping them. There was still a faint ringing in his ears that he didn’t even know when it came along, and it was slowly but surely starting to annoy him.

“Come on, I don’t want you over here on the floor the whole night,” Ellen said. “I’ll help you up and get you to a chair; if anyone comes by, I’ll take the heat for letting you stay.”

“Why are you being so nice to me?” Dean asked as he let Ellen help him stand. It was surprisingly more difficult than he thought it would be…he never imagined he’d have to concentrate that hard on just getting his legs to support him.

“Because you seem like a good kid,” Ellen answered easily, walking towards the chairs on the wall across from her desk. “And if I were you, I would want someone to do the same for me.”

“I probably sound like a broken record, but thank you,” Dean said as sincerely as he could. Before Ellen could get him to a chair to sit in properly, he pulled back slightly. “Wait, I want to get my jacket. It’s in my room, but I’ll be back soon.”

“Alright,” Ellen said, letting go of his arm and letting him walk down the hallway in a way that was so lifeless and filled with effort it was almost painful to look at.

Dean turned down the several hallways it would take to get to his room, not even thinking about where he was or who was around him. It was possible he’d even passed Chuck or Becky without saying anything, but if how he felt was any indication of how he looked, they would understand. That was another thing: did anyone else know?

He’d been pretty loud about it, and it caused a scene, but it was during dinner. The dining hall was pretty far away from the rooms, so there wasn’t even a guarantee that anybody was aware of what happened. At least now it was almost lights out, so no one would have the chance to ask around and make Dean deal with it all a second time in the span of an hour.

When he reached their room, Dean stopped before reaching for the handle and stared at the large white door. For a second, he wasn’t even sure he could go inside because of what he’d found before. There was too much on his mind that made him uneasy, and Dean’s vision started to go black. He knew he was about to faint, because unfortunately this had happened to him before. He closed his eyes and focused on his breathing in the way that he’d learned had helped him in the past until he regained his composure enough to open his eyes again.

At last, Dean worked up the nerve to open the door and go inside. He refused to look at Castiel’s armoire and went straight for his own, searching through the top drawer for the jacket he needed. When he found it, he turned around and looked at his bed, debating whether or not to bring the covers in case he got even colder than he was expecting to.

After deciding not to take them, Dean’s eyes grazed over Castiel’s bed and stopped. Along with the torn up sheets that Dean forced himself not to pay attention to, one of his notebooks was on the mess of covers and pillows. It was closed, but if how Cas acted when he first got there was any sort of clue, he wouldn’t leave something out that he usually kept private amongst his other books and belongings.

Dean took a deep breath and considered all of his options. If he looked inside the notebook, he wasn’t sure what he’d find. It could just be some sketches, but it wouldn’t make sense for Cas to throw that on the disorganized pile spread all over his mattress.

Dean took in a large breath and walked over to Castiel’s bed, hesitantly picking up the journal. It felt wrong to flip through it, but he didn’t know what else to do. Maybe there was a note on the inside that he was supposed to read, and he wasn’t about to get that go unnoticed.

He quickly went to the last page to see if anything was written there, but all he saw was a picture of a bird. Dean squinted at the notebook skeptically, sure that there was some reason it was out in the open when Cas usually kept it hidden. He turned the book upside down and shook it for any loose papers, and sure enough a small piece of lined paper fell out from between some other pages.

It had already been ripped out of the journal and placed in the middle, and Dean’s stomach churned as he watched it fall to the floor. Could he really pick it up? More than that, could he bring himself to read whatever was written on it?

Dean bent over and grabbed it, slowly opening the paper that had been hastily folded in half. The handwriting that was scrawled on it was frantic and sloped, and there was blood splattered in random places that made the ink run and look distorted. It broke Dean’s heart just to see the red color, and he could practically _feel_ the madness behind the hurried, partly scratched out writing.

_Dean,_

_I’m so sorry, but I can’t do this. I can’t live the way I’ve been trying to for such a long time, and I’m done fooling myself into thinking that everything’s going to be fine when it never will be. You gave me hope, and I’ll never be able to thank you enough for that…but it’s not enough to keep me here. I know this won’t make much sense to you, and I’m sorry that I couldn’t explain it. I just know that I can’t stay anymore, and no matter how much I try I won’t be able to get any better. I’m a lost cause, I’m hopeless, and I’m a burden. I hope you have a beautiful life, because you deserve it. I’m sorry I couldn’t try any harder, but I can’t take another day living in this hell. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me._

_-Castiel_

After reading his name at the top of the paper, Dean had lost it again. By the time he finished reading Castiel’s name signed at the bottom of the page, he could barely see through the tears that somehow still kept flowing out of his eyes.

“How could you just give up?” Dean whispered to the air, his hands shaking as he held the note. He read it over and over again until the words didn’t make sense anymore, but the pain behind them still stabbed him in the gut.

Eventually, he found the strength to fold up the letter and put it in his pocket before setting the journal back down on Castiel’s desk. They didn’t need people asking questions, and he wanted to hold on to it at least until he knew if Cas was going to be okay or not.

Dean shook his head to himself and put the hoodie he’d come in here to get in the first place on. He rubbed his eyes, even though he was fairly certain no matter what he did he’d keep crying. After deciding not to try so hard to put on a brave face for once, Dean walked out of the room and started down the hallway. He was anxious to get back to where he’d be able to get an instantaneous update about Cas, and he didn’t want to have to deal with anyone.

Almost as if the world just had something against Dean today, Chuck and Becky rounded the corner and stopped in their tracks when they saw Dean’s condition.

“Dean?” Chuck asked as he and Becky made their way over to him.

“Fuck,” Dean muttered under his breath.

“What happened?” Becky asked, taking in Dean’s bloodshot and watering eyes along with his completely disheveled appearance.

“It’s Cas,” Dean choked out, looking at them helplessly. He didn’t know what to do or say, and honestly wasn’t sure if he could even get the words out at this point. Dean knew they’d hear about it at some point though, and he’d rather it be from him than someone else.

“What about Cas?” Becky prompted, getting visibly more nervous. Chuck shared in her concerned expression, every ounce of his attention devoted to Dean’s response.

“He, uh-…” Dean had to force himself to keep talking as he felt his throat threaten to close up on him. “He tried to kill himself. And now he’s in the ER. I don’t know if he’s gonna make it.” His voice was breaking with almost every word, and he felt torn apart inside.

“Oh my god,” Chuck said under his breath, covering his mouth with his hand in disbelief momentarily before putting it back down at his side, conflicted about what to say.

When Dean made eye contact with them both again, they were crying silently.

“I walked in on it…I saw him there, and I-,” Dean tried to explain, but he just _couldn’t._

“I’m so sorry,” Becky said through her tears, moving in to hug him.

“Me too,” Chuck said, joining the two of them as they all embraced each other.

After a few seconds, they pulled apart and Dean looked past them down the hallway.

“What happened?” Becky asked, completely lost. “I knew he was dealing with a lot more than he let on, but I didn’t think he’d ever-…oh god, I feel sick.”

Dean swallowed and shrugged. “I don’t know what to tell you,” he said. After a moment of silence, Dean broke it by clearing his throat. “Ellen’s letting me stay in the lobby so I’ll know when it’s okay to go see him. I really want to stay and talk to you guys, but I need to be there in case something happens.”

“No, we get it,” Chuck said, looking at Dean as if he was trying to see if he was really going to be okay. “If you need anything, you can come find us.”

“I will,” Dean said, even though he didn’t mean it.

“And tell us how Cas is doing in the morning if you get the chance,” Becky said, wiping at her eyes.

“Yeah,” Dean said half-heartedly. He didn’t know how much longer he could stand here with the two of them looking at him like that for very long before he came apart at the seams again.

“He’ll be fine, Dean,” Chuck said, trying to be reassuring.

“Thanks, Chuck,” Dean acknowledged. “Thanks Becky. I’ll see you guys later, alright?”

“Yeah, see you later,” Becky said.

Dean nodded at them both and started walking down the hallway again. Out of curiosity, he looked back and saw that Chuck was hugging Becky as she cried into his chest. Chuck was crying too, but he was being more subtle about it as he tried to be strong for Becky.

He turned around and made his way back to the lobby, where Ellen was typing away at the computer on her desk.

“Did anyone come down?” Dean asked, not getting his hopes up.

“Sorry, no news yet,” Ellen said, her voice tinged with sadness.

“Don’t worry about it; I was just wondering,” Dean said.

“Well you can sit anywhere you want,” she offered, gesturing to the five available seats.

Dean eyed them before settling on the one in the middle. It was relatively comfortable, but he didn’t think there was a way for him to relax at this point. He zipped up his hoodie and put his hands in its pockets, suddenly a lot colder than he was before.

“Is anyone ever here?” Dean asked, realizing it sounded kind of rude after the words had already left his mouth. “I mean, every time I’ve been here there hasn’t been anyone else around. Don’t the patients get visitors or something?”

Ellen sighed and stopped working at her computer so she could turn her focus on Dean. “I don’t know what to tell ya, kid,” she said. “Sometimes patients get visitors, but it’s pretty rare. Not that their folks don’t care about them or anything; they’re just busy. It’s hard, especially since a lot of the patients here have been around a while. At first, they all visit a little more often...somewhere down the line, it gets a little harder for friends and family to make time to come see them. I’m not trying to make you feel like your family’s gonna do the same thing, because some of them are pretty consistent the whole way through, but that’s why no one’s here that often.”

“That’s pretty rough,” Dean said, staring firmly at his lap and the floor.

“Yeah, it is,” Ellen said. “I can’t tell you how much I wish the reality was different.”

“I think I have an idea,” Dean replied, kicking his feet so they lightly scuffed the tile with every movement.

When Ellen didn’t respond, Dean couldn’t tell if he was grateful or not. He didn’t necessarily want to talk, and wasn’t sure if he _could_ for very long, but he did need a distraction. The worst thing for him right now would be to be left alone with his own thoughts, fearful that they might go down a dangerous path.

Part of Dean wanted to talk to Crowley, but he couldn’t inconvenience him like that. Maybe that was the next problem they’d have to work on; his refusal to ask for something he wanted, no matter how small. It always felt like he was putting the other person at a disadvantage, even if it was just asking his mom or dad to pick him up from somewhere.

“Is Crowley here?” Dean asked, looking up at Ellen again. He hoped the question didn’t sound as desperate as it felt.

“Yeah, he should still be in his office. Why, you want me to get him?” Ellen asked.

Dean shook his head quickly and ran a hand through his hair before putting it back in his pocket. “No,” he said. “No, I’ll be fine.”

“You sure? If you think it’d do you some good to talk to him, you can,” she insisted. “I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.”

“No, it’s okay,” Dean said, determined to get through this alone for as long as he could. At least until he knew if Cas was okay or not, and he’d be in denial for as long as he could that anything was fatally wrong with him. “I really don’t want to miss anything; I’d rather stay here.”

“Alright; let me know if you change your mind,” Ellen said simply, turning her computer off.

“Is your shift over?” Dean asked, concerned that he’d have to leave if she wasn’t there to supervise him.

“Yeah, but I’ll stay with you,” she said with a sad smile. “I wanna be here when we find out he’ll make it too.”

Dean absentmindedly half-smiled down at his lap, clinging to every possibility that Cas would pull through. “Thanks,” he said. “You really don’t have to do any of this.”

“It’s no problem,” Ellen replied easily. “I wish we could at least bring a more comfortable chair out here, but I don’t think ‘comfortable’ is something this place excels at.”

Dean breathed out a laugh and tilted his head to the side in agreement. “Yeah, not really,” he said. “I’ve tried pretty hard, but I can’t get used to any of it. Everyone keeps telling me I will, but I haven’t.”

“That’s not a totally bad thing,” she said. “I don’t want you to get too comfortable here. This isn’t a place that patients are supposed to grow accustomed to being in, but it’s not supposed to be a prison either. We don’t want to encourage people to stay, and I hope you’re not gonna be here for long, Dean.”

Dean opened his mouth to reply when the elevator doors dinged and he stood up as fast as he could. He couldn’t have been happier to see Charlie step out from behind those sliding metal doors in that moment, and he put all of his effort into not letting the panic he was feeling be exposed.

“Charlie,” Dean said as she noticed him and walked over. He clenched the inside of his jacket pockets with his fists when he saw how neutral her face was, unsure of what that meant. “What happened, is he gonna be okay?”

“He’ll be fine,” Charlie said, letting a small smile take over her expression. Dean was pretty sure that the relief that washed over him was obvious, and he almost started crying at the joy of knowing that Cas was going to live. “We were really lucky; usually people don’t survive attempts like that. Apparently you found him not very long after he’d passed out from lack of oxygen, which helped us a lot. Right now he’s in a small coma, but he should be out of it in the next day or so. We’re running some tests on him to make sure everything’s working its way back to normal, but so far he’s looking good.”

Dean exhaled heavily and realized he was shaking again. “Thank you so much,” he said in as much gratitude as he could muster. Every thought in his head was catching up with one another, and it finally felt like he could let himself breathe again. “Thank you…”

Charlie hugged him before he could get another word out, and he clung to her in thanks for several seconds, wiping his eyes before putting his hands in his pockets again.

“That’s great news,” Ellen said, standing up behind her desk. She was smiling, and she looked over at Dean in a knowing way.

“God, I didn’t even think I could cry this much,” he said, trying to lighten the atmosphere. It was a defense mechanism he’d built up a long time ago that he really wished he didn’t have. “Can I see him?”

“Yeah,” Charlie said. “I’ll bring you up, but if a doctor needs you to leave to run a test or anything, listen. Got it?”

“Absolutely,” Dean said without hesitation.

“Okay. He probably won’t be awake yet,” she reminded him.

“I don’t care,” Dean replied. “I at least need to see that he’s breathing again for myself.”

Charlie nodded and looked at him with sympathy in her eyes. She could tell how worried he’d been, and if Dean appeared half as awful as he felt, it probably looked like a train had hit him.

“Then come on, he’s waiting for you,” Charlie said, motioning for Dean to follow her as she walked back over to the elevators.

Dean gave Ellen one last look of appreciation and walked closely behind Charlie into the elevator.

It was strange being inside it knowing that he wasn’t going home. He thought the only reason he’d ever be inside these doors again was if he was well enough to go home, down to the bottom parking garage floors. Now he was on his way to the emergency room to check on his nearly-dead boyfriend to make sure that he was going to be alright.

“I’m so glad right now I can’t even tell you,” Dean said, looking at Charlie as she started the elevator to go to the emergency room.

“Me too,” Charlie said. “I love Cas like a little brother, you know? He’s been here a while, and I’ve really gotten to know him. I was holding my breath until I got the news; we could’ve lost him.”

“Yeah,” Dean said, his voice close to breaking again.

The elevator doors opened, and he walked next to Charlie down several hallways until they reached a room labeled 521.

“He’s in here,” Charlie said, opening the door for him.

Dean walked in and as soon as he saw Castiel he stopped in his tracks. There he was, lying down on the hospital bed, and his chest was moving in slow breaths. He’d been terrified that he’d never be able to see something as simple as that again. Then there were the wires; many of them coming out of random places on Cas’s body and hooked up to numerous machines surrounding him. The room was filled with constant beeping, and the sound was almost deafening to Dean’s ears.

“You can get closer,” Charlie encouraged from behind him.

Dean had forgotten she was even there, but nodded and slowly walked closer to Castiel’s bedside. He looked around and found a chair in the corner of the room that he could use. Bringing it next to Cas’s unconscious form, Dean sat down in it and looked at him with sadness filling his heart.

There were bandages wrapped around Castiel’s arms from his wrists to his elbows, and there was already some blood seeping through in several places. Dean sniffled lightly and reached out to take Castiel’s hand that was closest to him.

“I’ll let you guys have some time to yourselves,” Charlie said.

“Thank you,” Dean replied, listening as he heard her footsteps get quieter. The door to the room opened and shut, and he was finally alone with Cas.

Castiel looked so peaceful lying there like he was asleep. His breathing was a little uneven, but all that mattered was that he _could_ breathe.

Dean lifted Castiel’s hand to his mouth and he kissed it delicately, grateful that his skin was warm and alive.

“I thought I’d lost you,” he said brokenly, putting their intertwined hands back down on the sheets. “I didn’t think I’d see you again…that you were really gone. And there was so much we never got the chance to do. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. We were going to get close while we were here; you were gonna let me in and I was gonna let you in, and we’d know each other completely…better than anyone else. We were supposed to get out and stay together, helping each other out. There were so many things that were supposed to happen, but not this. Never this.”

Dean used his other hand to stroke through Castiel’s hair, letting himself cry since there was no one else around.

“Why did you try to leave?” he asked, knowing he might never get an answer out of Cas. “I don’t understand, so you need to help me. I want to get through to you and have you trust me, but I don’t know how to break down the walls you’re so determined to keep around yourself.  You always try so hard, and I don’t know what could make you just…give _up_ like that. You need to keep trying Cas, because this isn’t how things are gonna end for you. I won’t let that happen.”

For the next few hours, Dean sat with Castiel patiently. Every now and then a nurse came in to check on how Castiel was doing, always reassuring Dean that he was probably going to wake up any time in the next day.

Dean had first sat down next to Cas at 11:08 pm, and now when he looked over at the clock he saw it was 3:16 am. It felt like it had been infinitely longer and shorter than that at the same time, and Dean rubbed his eyes with the hand that was still resting in Castiel’s hair.

“God, this is gonna kill me,” Dean muttered to himself. He’d been so stressed out that night, none of it seemed real.

Dean suddenly felt Castiel’s fingers move against his hand. He snapped his head up and he looked at Cas hopefully as his hand started to clench and unclench against his own.

“Cas?” Dean asked quietly, leaning in to get a better look at Castiel’s face.

Castiel let out a noise that sounded something like a groan before opening his blue eyes. They’d lost every bit of light they had before, and slowly connected with Dean’s.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Hope you guys enjoyed the chapter :)


	8. Next to You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 8 is here! :) Just a heads up, this chapter's a little shorter than the others, but not by much. I got a few projects assigned last week and it's been crazy trying to figure how to have time for those and LtB haha. Next week is gonna make up for it, I promise! And as always, I'll go through and fix any weird errors I find throughout the day. 
> 
> TW: mention of suicide attempt, mention of self-harm

Cas hadn’t expected to wake up. In fact, that was the _last_ thing he expected. All he could remember was feeling like he was drowning as he lost the ability to breathe. He had second-guessed himself when his vision started to go black, but rapidly found all traces of fear inside him dissipating.

A strange sort of bliss overtook him as pitch darkness completely enveloped his vision. Everything was finally over. He wouldn’t have to deal with the constant weight on his shoulders that made him regret waking up in the morning.

Things were finally looking up for him. After years of suffering and torment, things were beginning to go his way and then it all had to come crumbling down in a matter of minutes. And now, after thinking all this torture was finally going to be over, it wasn’t. He was so sure that he’d never wake up again, but suddenly he was aware that he was trying to move his fingers.

Cas attempted to make some sort of noise in the back of his throat, but nothing came out. Instead, he kept focusing on his fingers until he felt them start moving. The second they did, they came into contact with something else.

At first he thought it was just the edge of whatever hospital bed he was on, but his half-asleep mind was soon aware that it was another hand. He was filled with dread as he weighed the chances of how possible it was for Dean to be here with him.

Castiel slowly opened his eyes and made note that he was definitely in the emergency room of the hospital. It looked almost eerily similar to the room that he woke up in before he started the program in the psych ward, but then again most hospital rooms looked the same to begin with.

As he made eye contact with Dean all of Cas’ worst fears were confirmed. He wanted to scream, hide his face in his hands, cry, or make a move to jump out the window on the far wall. Maybe all four, he didn’t even know how he was feeling yet.

“Dean?” he managed to ask. It was barely audible though, and his voice sounded like he’d been gargling rocks. The more his eyes adjusted, the more he felt like he’d been hit by a train.

“Hey Cas; I’m here,” Dean said, tightening his grip slightly on Castiel’s hand. He sounded like he was a mile away, even though Cas knew he was just on the other side of the bed. How had even gotten up here in the first place?

Castiel groaned in response for lack of anything else. He didn’t want Dean to be here; that meant that he knew what happened and probably hated his guts for it. Why wouldn’t he? What if Dean was the one that _found_ him? He’d never forgive himself. As much as he was touched that Dean was around, he couldn’t face him.

Cas felt Dean put a hand in his hair and gently stroke it, but he tore his eyes away from Dean’s and looked at the opposite wall of the room so he couldn’t see his face.

He took several deep breaths, letting himself cry. It wasn’t nearly as quiet as he meant it to be, and his chest heaved with every sob that he gave. Dean was still playing with Castiel’s hair comfortingly, and Cas couldn’t help but feel like he didn’t deserve any of this.

He overreacted, and he knew that now. But it didn’t justify his actions by any means. After Dean knowing he tried to kill himself, he was still here. He was by Castiel’s bedside, saying sweet things to him and trying to make him feel better. No matter what he said though, every movement he made and every word that came out of his mouth only made Cas feel worse.

“You’re okay,” Dean whispered. “You’re alright, and everything’s gonna be fine; I promise.”

“Don’t,” Castiel whimpered back through his tears. “Please don’t.”

“Don’t what?” Dean asked, confused. Castiel felt him hesitate slightly in touching his hair and pull his hand back. He rested that hand on Cas’s shoulder and tapped on it, trying to get Cas to look at him.

Castiel kept his head exactly where it was, afraid that if he saw Dean’s face he would completely fall apart and not be able to say anything at all.

“Don’t be so kind to me,” Castiel said. “It makes me feel sick.”

There was silence from Dean as Castiel continued staring at the all too white wall, barely focusing on what was happening around him. He supposed a reaction wasn’t necessary out of Dean, and wouldn’t complain if he just got up and left.

“Do you think I shouldn’t care?” Dean asked softly, wrapping both of his hands around Castiel’s that was resting closest to him on the bed. He didn’t have the heart in him to rip it away, so he let it lie there. 

“I just don’t know why you would,” Castiel murmured. All this talking was already wearing him out, but it could be whatever pain medication they were giving him as well. It wasn’t helping much; his throat still felt sore. He wanted to go back to sleep more than anything else, but he couldn’t while he knew Dean was right there watching him waiting for a reaction. One that he wasn’t emotionally capable of giving at this point. “I was so horrible to you. I fucked it all up.”

Dean sighed and Cas could hear his breath stutter for a moment that he quickly covered up, but Castiel still heard it loud and clear.

“You weren’t horrible, and you didn’t fuck it all up. Would I be here right now if I didn’t think there was any hope for us?” Dean asked. He sounded so sincere it made it nearly impossible for Castiel to stomach what he was saying.

Cas didn’t say anything. Instead, he let the sound of his breathing fill the silence as he cried.

This was unusual for him; he hadn’t cried in front of anyone in years, and here he was helplessly sobbing in front of Dean. It was strange to think how low he’d fallen in a matter of hours.

“How long have I been asleep?” Castiel asked, avoiding Dean’s comments. That was the easiest way for him to deal with all of this for now: _not_ dealing with it.

After a moment of silence during which Cas guessed Dean looked over at whatever clock was in the room, he spoke.

“About 9 hours, give or take,” Dean told him. “You were technically in a coma, but it looks like it was pretty short-lived.”

“A coma?” Cas inquired. He normally slept for longer than that, let alone the idea of being in a coma for only that short amount of time.

“Yeah,” Dean confirmed. “You, uh…you cut off the oxygen supply to your brain, so it was more than just a matter of going to sleep and waking up the next morning. There was no way to tell how long it would take for your brain to start functioning again. That’s what the doctor told me when he came in here a few times, at least.”

“How long have you been here?” Castiel asked. He had to know how long Dean had been forced to go through this hell by his bedside when he should have had the self-control all along not to try to kill himself in the first place.

He didn’t remember much about it other than feeling blind rage and fury at everyone and everything. Cas vaguely recalled cutting himself and writing the note to Dean while he cried his eyes out, and the only thing that was burned into his recollection was the moment he let himself hang from that noose.

The pain in his arms was slowly making itself known, and Castiel breathed more steadily with the familiar sting of the cuts. It was messed up, and he knew that, but the sensation was comforting; like an old friend almost.

“I’ve been here for four hours,” Dean said. “But I was waiting in the psych ward lobby for about three hours before that for Charlie to come out and tell me that I could come see you.”

 _Or that I was dead,_ Castiel thought grimly.

“I’m a horrible person,” Cas said. It was one of those things that he’d mostly thought, but it somehow wound up coming out of his mouth anyways.

“No you’re not,” Dean said firmly. “You made an irrational decision, but we all do that sometimes. You have every right to have a bad day.”

“Yeah, well when most people have bad days they don’t try to take themselves out of the equation,” Castiel said, his voice lined with melancholy. He turned to face Dean, finally feeling like he could get past those forest green eyes that always looked past the person he projected to the world. “I didn’t just make an irrational decision, Dean. You’re giving me too much credit.”

“I don’t think so,” Dean insisted. It was slowly getting more obvious that he didn’t want Cas to feel badly about what he did, but that was an impossible thing for him to ask.

“Why not? I basically spat on our relationship, Dean. Doesn’t that bother you?”

Castiel wasn’t sure exactly what he was getting at right now, but he wanted some sort of emotional outburst from Dean. Him just sitting there, trying to help calm Castiel down and make him feel better about everything, he should be getting angry. Dean should be pissed as hell because of what Cas did; screaming at him, crying, telling him that he never wanted to see him again.

“You didn’t do anything to our relationship, Cas,” Dean said. “You freaked out…I get it.”

“But I-,” Castiel tried to say, but he couldn’t make himself say the actual words out loud.

“I know,” Dean said, his eyes slowly getting glossed over with tears. “It’s not like I could get angry with you though. You’re here for a reason, and it’d be unfair of me to say that you overreacted. You’re unstable right now, and I can’t judge you for that. Hell, I’m here for the same reason you are; I can’t handle living very well.”

“At least you have the drive to keep going,” Cas said miserably. “I’m done.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Dean asked, slightly afraid of what Castiel was implying.

“I think you know,” Castiel muttered. “This is hell, Dean. I can’t go through it every day anymore…I promise it has nothing to do with you.”

“I know. And that’s kind of the problem,” Dean said.

Castiel looked at him in confusion, not sure what he meant.

“I should have something to do with your life if we’re together,” Dean said. “I don’t care what it is; you should feel safe talking to me. We haven’t known each other long, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. Even if you feel like killing yourself, just _tell me_. We’ll work it out.”

“How are we supposed to work something like that out?” Castiel asked. “It just makes everything harder on the both of us when I could shoulder it myself. I’m not dragging you into that.”

“Well I _want_ to be dragged into it,” Dean said, looking at Cas like he should have figured that much was clear. “I want to help you shoulder whatever weight it is you’re carrying, because I can promise you that it would put us both through a whole lot worse if you let it get to the point that you weren’t here anymore. Sure, it’ll be a little painful to hear and talk about. But killing yourself would only make both of us miserable and I’d feel guilty about it for the rest of my life. Let me have the opportunity to help you, at least. You just need some mending; you’re not broken. You taught me that, and I tell it to myself all the time now.”

“I think I’m past the point of saving, Dean,” Castiel said. “You know how much time I’ve spent in mental hospitals my whole life?”

Dean looked at him blankly and shook his head very subtly.

“Altogether it makes up two years,” Cas said, his voice in danger of giving out on him. “I’ve spent two fucking years of my life living in these godforsaken places when I should’ve been home!” He didn’t know why he was getting so upset, but it had been a long time since he’d let himself have a proper breakdown in front of someone. “This wasn’t the life I was supposed to have!”

Castiel buried his face in his hand and cried, disappointing himself more with every second that went by. He never thought he’d get this low again.

Dean wasn’t saying anything, but Cas assumed that was for the best. It wasn’t like there was anything he could say that would make him feel any better about it. Instead, he started stroking Cas’s hair again and Castiel absentmindedly leaned into the touch as he kept his face hidden.

“It’s all my fault,” Castiel whispered. “All of it. I tried to make it better for everyone else and it blew up in my face.” He glanced over at the heart monitor that was hooked up to the wires stuck to his chest and sighed heavily as he watched the line go up and down, beeping steadily. “I can’t even die right, can I?”

“Don’t say that,” Dean stated shortly. “But you’re right about the fact that you deserve a much better life than this. I can’t even imagine not being home for two years.”

“That’s what it’s come down to though,” Cas said. “Most patients are out of here in a month or two and they never come back. They never have another breakdown or episode and they go on living their lives, completely moving on from their ‘dark period’ that’ll become a story someday. Meanwhile, after two fucking years of being locked up in white room after white room I’m not out. I keep falling apart and no matter how hard I try I can’t pick up the pieces. I don’t know how much more I have in me, Dean.”

Dean looked at him with sympathy Cas almost couldn’t take, and Castiel looked around the room before connecting his eyes with Dean’s again.

“I mean, look at me,” Cas whispered pathetically. “After all this time, I wound up here.”

“That doesn’t make you any less of a person to me,” Dean said. “You _survived_ this, Cas. That should mean something to you. I don’t believe in a god, fate, destiny, or any of that shit, but let me tell you this. You opened your eyes because you’re not done fighting. You’re here because you’re going to get out.”

“I don’t know how,” Castiel said softly. “I’ve gotten out before and I just keep coming back. There’s no cure for whatever the hell’s wrong with me.” He threw his free arm over his torso and couldn’t help glancing at the bandages. Just what he needed; another reminder that he’d royally fucked up….again.

“Ever think that maybe you don’t have to be cured all at once?” Dean asked. “All you have to do is get to a place where you feel like you can make things work. That’s how it starts.”

“You’re not gonna give me the ‘it’s a process’ bullshit are you?” Castiel asked, starting to get annoyed.

“No, I’m not gonna do that,” Dean said. “But I _am_ gonna make sure you know that there’s more than one way to get out of here without having the potential to come back. I can guarantee you that almost everyone who leaves here doesn’t feel like they’re ready when the day comes. They probably feel like they should stay longer just to make sure they’re not gonna fuck anything else up, and they probably think that the second they get out into the real world all hope for them is lost. But that’s not how it works. As long as you get out of here with some sense of who you are and where you want to go, that’s all you need. With your determination, there isn’t a doubt in my mind that you can get better.”

“I don’t know what it feels like to be in a place where I think I can survive on my own,” Cas said.

“And when did anyone say you were gonna be surviving on your own?” Dean asked. “You’ve got your parents, siblings, and now me. Don’t think that what we have is gonna go away when we get out, because I want to be next to you every step of the way. We can help each other; I think that’s what we both need.”

Castiel started crying when Dean mentioned his parents and siblings, wishing he could tell Dean how wrong he was.

“I don’t want to drag you down with me,” Cas said, looking down at their hands.

“How many times do I have to say it to get you to believe that you’re not dragging me down? I want to do this, Cas. It’s what I signed up for when I said I wanted to be with you, and you’re not about to scare me off by saying a bunch of cryptic things about keeping me out of the line of fire,” Dean said.

Castiel couldn’t believe what he was hearing, and suddenly found himself unable to meet Dean’s gaze again.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” Dean asked in a sensitive voice. “There’s nothing you could say or do that would make me run off.”

“No. I can’t,” Cas said with a lot of difficulty. “At least not right now,” he amended. He didn’t want Dean to feel hurt or like he didn’t trust him, because he did. This was something he just wasn’t ready to be open about yet.

“That’s okay,” Dean said, and Castiel noticed him nodding from almost outside his line of vision. “You don’t have to. But when you’re ready, know that I’m here to listen, alright?”

“I know,” Castiel said simply. He wasn’t sure what else there was to say. “Maybe I’ll tell you when I feel like I’m getting to where I want to be. When I think I can handle it. I haven’t even dealt with it myself, as you can see.” He didn’t know why he was trying to make some dry, sarcastic comment, but it was one of the ways he avoided talking about subjects he liked to avoid. It usually worked too, and old habits die hard.

“I want you to feel like you can deal with it,” Dean said sincerely. After a moment of consideration, he spoke again. “How do you feel when you’re with me?”

It seemed like a random question, and Cas raised his eyebrows slightly. He almost thought it was a trick question of some sort; one he had to pass. 

“What are you getting at?” Castiel asked skeptically.

“Just answer the question,” Dean pressed. “How do you feel when you’re with me?”

Cas thought about it, weighing the options. He’d never really paid much attention to the way he felt when he was around Dean before; it just sort of happened. It might have been because he didn’t want to accept it; letting the sadness in was so much easier. So much more familiar. The way Dean made him feel somewhat invincible was a concept Castiel never thought he’d know personally.

“Content for once?” Castiel asked more than answered. He couldn’t say it confidently, and it killed him that he didn’t know why.

“Don’t overthink this, Cas,” Dean said. “If you like being with me and I like being with you shouldn’t that in and of itself help a little? We don’t have to talk about what happened, but if you just told me what’s going on inside your head and let me have my say maybe you’d see things differently.”

“And how would I see things differently?” Castiel asked, looking up at him.

“I’m hoping that eventually you’ll see what I see every time I look at you,” Dean confessed. “Someone strong, smart, and kind.”

“I’m none of those things,” Cas said quietly. He knew it was foolish to say out loud, since Dean would only deny it, but for the past day he wouldn’t claim that he was exactly in control of his actions…and he was sure there would be hell to pay for this one.

“Well I think you are,” Dean said, squeezing Castiel’s hand. He looked at the hospital bed and back to Cas’s face. “Do you feel well enough to move?”

Castiel sighed and scooted over slowly as he tried not to use his arms. They hurt like a bitch now, and he wasn’t about to put pressure on them when he could see they were still bleeding. 

Dean knew better than to reach out and try to help Castiel move, fearing that he’d lash out and change his mind altogether. Cas was adamant about moving by himself so Dean didn’t feel the need to be the hero any more than he already was.

When Castiel had moved over a sufficient amount, Dean climbed next to him on the side of the bed that none of the wires were coming off of. The bed was pretty obviously only made for one, but they made it work. Besides, the only thing Dean wanted right then was to be close to Castiel, no matter how cramped it was.

“I know you’d hit me if I said I was sorry,” Dean said, trying to get his point across without angering Cas.

“Then don’t say it,” Castiel said quietly, turning on his side and curling up next to Dean. He rested his head on Dean’s chest, giving up on the idea of being independent and cold towards him. “Were you the one that found me?” He couldn’t help but ask.

Dean swallowed, which was more than enough of an answer for Cas. “Yeah, I was,” he confirmed.

“I should be the one apologizing then,” Castiel said. He couldn’t imagine what it was like for Dean to walk in and find him like that.

“You did enough of that in your note,” Dean said softly, kissing Cas’s hair. “I don’t want you to be so guilt-ridden because of it. I’m glad I found you…it meant I was the one who got to help make sure you lived.”

“I really don’t deserve you,” Castiel murmured, moving one of his hands to clench some of the fabric of Dean’s shirt as his eyes watered again. He hadn’t wanted Dean to find that note; it had probably broken him inside.

“You deserve me, Cas. And I deserve you. I think it’s time we both start trying to find a little value in ourselves that way,” Dean said, moving his hand to wrap around Castiel’s waist.

Castiel didn’t have a response for that, so he looked up at Dean and kissed him gently before returning to his head to the other boy’s chest.

They stayed like that for another few hours, mostly in silence. Every now and then they’d exchange a few words, but it was comfortable.

At eight o’clock the next morning, Charlie came into the room.

Dean and Cas were still awake, but just barely. They’d been dozing like that for the past half hour or so, and Castiel had been decently calm, all things considered. Dean had that effect on him.

“Guys?” Charlie asked when they hadn’t noticed her at first. She didn’t comment on the fact that they weren’t supposed to be lying together like that. She understood it must have been terrifying for Dean to think he’d lost a good friend forever.

Dean stirred a little, taking his hand off of Castiel’s waist to rub at his eyes.

“Charlie?” Dean asked when his vision slowly came into focus again.

“It’s breakfast, and as much as I wanna let you stay here, I can’t,” Charlie said, looking at the two of them.

Dean and Castiel glanced at each other before Cas groaned and lifted himself off of Dean just enough so he could get out of the bed.

“When can I come back?’ Dean asked through a yawn as he walked over to Charlie.

Castiel turned over in his bed and looked at the two of them, only half-listening to their conversation.

“After dinner,” Charlie said. “You have to get through your daily activities though, or else today won’t count for anything towards your release.”

“Okay,” Dean said. He turned around and smiled softly at Castiel. “Bye Cas.”

“Bye Dean,” Castiel grumbled, finally letting his eyes shut as he drifted into unconsciousness.

Charlie walked with Dean out of the room and led him to the elevator. “I know it sucks,” she said as the doors opened and they walked inside. “I wish I could let you stay with him longer.”

“No, it’s fine,” Dean said tiredly. “I get it.”

“Did you sleep at all last night?” she asked.

“No,” Dean stated honestly. “I was worried sick and wanted to make sure he kept breathing the whole night.”

Charlie nodded. “That happens a lot. I’m really sorry about everything,” she said.

“Thanks,” Dean said, hoping that despite his exhaustion his sincerity came through.

The elevator opened and they stepped out, crossing through the lobby.

“Hey Dean,” Ellen said from behind the desk. “How ya feeling?”

“Better now that I got to see him,” Dean answered. “Tired though. I might sleep during my free hour.”

“Good idea,” Ellen agreed. “See you after dinner.”

She waved him off as he and Charlie kept walking past her.

“You can take your meds after you eat if you want,” Charlie said. “I’ll wait for you at the counter.”

“Alright, I’ll be there soon,” Dean replied. “Thanks for everything, Charlie.”

“You’re welcome,” she said, going down the opposite end of the hallway than the dining hall.

Dean turned to go to the dining hall, not even sure if he could force himself to eat breakfast. Or keep it down anyways.

Before he got there, Ruby walked out of the hall and smirked at him. Dean rolled his eyes, not in the mood to deal with whatever shit she was about to throw his way.

“You really don’t want to fuck with me right now, Ruby,” Dean told her in a low and threatening voice. He made it past her and kept on his way to the dining hall.

“And why is that? Because your boy toy tried to kill himself last night?” Ruby asked tauntingly.

Dean stopped dead in his tracks and turned around, walking up to her and getting in her face.

“What the fuck did you just say to me?” he growled.

“I was hoping it’d finally be good riddance for that sarcastic little shit,” she said, not swayed by Dean’s intimidation. “But I guess we can’t all get what we want.”

Dean grabbed Ruby by the collar of her jacket and slammed her into the wall, hard.

“I don’t know what kind of game you think you’re playing here, but it’s dangerous for you,” Dean said darkly.

“Is that a threat?” she asked, still not responsive to the way he’d pinned her against the cement wall.

“You know it is,” he said. “Back the hell off of me and Cas.”

“Or what?”

And that was exactly the moment an orderly chose to walk around the corner. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much everyone! Your support seriously means everything :) <3


	9. Make Me Understand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter nine ready by 10:15 the night before it's supposed to come out...I'm on a roll, people xD Enjoy the new chapter, hopefully you all like it :) 
> 
> TW: mention of suicide attempt

“Winchester!” the stranger in white yelled when he saw how Dean was holding Ruby against the wall.

“Fuck,” Dean muttered, letting Ruby go.

He fell back a few steps and looked at the orderly with guilt in his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Dean said, holding his hands up as if that would somehow convince the orderly that he didn’t deserve to put him in solitary for doing what he had just done.

“I’ll deal with you in a second,” the orderly said in a low voice, giving him a pointed look that dared him to try to run while he had his back turned. The man turned around and looked at Ruby, concerned. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. He just flipped out,” Ruby said like she was offended by the notion that hitting a little cement would hurt her.

“Alright, if you say so. Go ahead, you can get outta here,” the orderly said, letting Ruby go off in whatever direction she was headed when Dean saw her in the first place.

“Look, I’m really sorry,” Dean said. He only meant it to the orderly though; he’d never _really_ feel badly about trying to teach Ruby a lesson. The bitch just wouldn’t back down, and she had no sense of what was right or wrong. “I didn’t mean to do that.”

“And that’s a problem, isn’t it?” the orderly asked, taking a step closer to him. “You weren’t in control back there.”

“Woah, wait a second, that’s not what I meant,” Dean said, getting a little scared. He wasn’t a threat to anyone; it’s not like he was hurting her or anything. “I got carried away.”

As soon as the words left his mouth he knew they were the wrong thing to say.

“Dean, this can’t keep happening,” the orderly said. “I saw your name on the warning list for solitary; it was put there pretty recently. Was that not enough of an incentive for you to stay out of trouble?”

“No, it was,” Dean insisted. He wasn’t about to let himself be put in solitary, especially when Cas was in the emergency room and needed him more than he’d ever admit. “It won’t happen again, I swear.”

The orderly shook his head to himself and sighed as he looked at him. “I don’t like writing patients up. It’s more work for me and I want you to spend all the time you can focusing on getting better…but this is pretty regular behavior for you.”

“I don’t know what came over me. I’ll do better, I swear; just don’t send me to solitary,” Dean begged.

He couldn’t get locked away without any explanation as to why he stopped visiting Cas so suddenly. Castiel would think someone had given up on him again, and that was the last thing Dean was willing to accept that he thought of himself.

“I’m not gonna send you to solitary,” the man clad in white assured him. “The way it works here is you get two warnings, then you’re off. Your warnings don’t re-set after a week or anything; they stand the entire time you’re here if you never get put in solitary. If you do, once you get out your warnings start over.”

“So I just have to make sure I don’t get another warning and I’m good?” Dean asked, just to clarify.

“Exactly,” the orderly confirmed.

“Okay. Thank you so much,” Dean said.

“No need to thank me; just doing my job. My name’s Victor,” the orderly said.

“I would introduce myself, but you already used my name, so…” Dean trailed off somewhat awkwardly.

“Yeah, sorry about that,” Victor said apologetically. “It’s pretty easy to recognize new faces here when you see them.”

“Yeah, I get that,” Dean said. A dull ache started to form in his stomach, and Dean started walking to the doors of the dining hall. “I’ve gotta get to breakfast before it closes, but I’ll see you later I’m sure.”

“Take care,” Victor said, turning to go down the hallway in the direction that he’d come from.

Dean let his expression fall to one of pure exhaustion before entering the dining hall. There wasn’t a line for the food, which was nice, and he was still able to get what had become his usual breakfast of some pancakes and bacon.

Becky and Chuck were still sitting at their usual place, and they gave Dean almost identical sympathetic smiles.

“Hey,” Becky said in a sad voice. It almost annoyed Dean with how “I-know-you’re-not-okay-so-I’m-being-gentle” it sounded.

“How are you feeling?” Chuck asked, sounding a lot more genuine than Becky, even though Dean knew she meant well.

“Better, I guess,” Dean said. “I got to see him, and he woke up. We talked for a bit and I spent the night in his room.”

“Well thank god he’s okay,” Becky said with a small exhale of relief, like she’d been waiting all night to hear what happened…and respectively, she probably had been.

“As okay as he can be,” Dean nodded. “He was pretty out of it at first, but he came around eventually.”

“It’s kind of amazing how the ward let you spend the night up there with him,” Chuck said, taking a sip of his water. “Does that mean you didn’t get any sleep? You look pretty tired.”

“None,” Dean confirmed. “I mean, I laid in his bed with him and we kind of half-slept for a while, but I never really passed out or anything. Probably because I opened my eyes every few seconds and watched his chest to make sure he was still with me.”

“That’s really sweet of you, Dean,” Becky said. “He’s lucky to have someone like you.”

“I’m doing everything I can,” Dean said, like that made anything better or worse. He didn’t feel like he deserved any praise for doing the right thing.

“I’m sure he knows and he really appreciates it,” Chuck said, nervously rearranging some of his food. It looked like Dean wasn’t the only one who was having an off day.

“I hope so,” Dean said. “He told me that knowing I care makes him feel sick…I know he doesn’t mean it, or he’ll get over it or whatever, but it hurts to see him that way. I just want to make him feel better and I’m so fucking helpless right now I don’t know what to do.”

“It’ll all be okay,” Chuck assured him. “It may be rough right now, but if anyone can get through something like this, it’s you guys. You’re stronger together, and as much as he likes to act like he doesn’t need anyone, he needs you.”

“That’s what I’m telling myself. I think he’s finally starting to see that I’m not gonna give up and leave him like everyone else he’s been close to. I’d never want that,” Dean said, unable to even comprehend why someone would want to leave Castiel’s life.

Everyone at the table was silent for a beat when a new voice spoke up from next to Dean as he took a bite of his pancake that he could barely find the motivation to put in his mouth.

“I, uh…I’m really sorry,” the quiet voice said, so low Dean would have missed it if he hadn’t felt the obvious presence next to him.

When Dean turned his head he was surprised to see Andy Gallagher standing there, fiddling with a loose thread on the sleeve of his sweatshirt.

His hair was messy as usual, but his eyes were rimmed red and it looked like he’d been crying. Even though Andy was the one apologizing to Dean, Dean wanted to stand up and hug him. There was something about him that seemed so eternally sad and stepped on that it was impossible to ignore, and Dean hated that he felt that way. No one deserved that.

“It’s okay, Andy. Thanks, it means a lot,” Dean said, giving him a sad smile. He looked across from him at Chuck and he took the hint to move down a bit. Dean gestured to the newly opened spot next to Chuck. “Want to sit with us?”

He knew that Andy normally sat in the far corner of the dining hall by himself, but there was no sense in that when he could introduce him to Chuck and Becky. Who knows, maybe he’d even like them. If he was getting better like everyone seemed to think he was, there was no use in avoiding social interaction in the first place. This was safe too, and Chuck and Becky knew him…kind of. They understood.

“Um…are you sure? I mean, I don’t have to,” Andy said somewhat shakily. He shifted his weight from his left to his right foot and back again, like he was either really uncomfortable or really torn.

Dean looked at Chuck and Becky for support and they both nodded, smiling at Andy to make him feel welcome.

“Of course we’re sure,” Dean said with a smile. “I said I’d be your friend, right?”

“Well yeah, but…” Andy tried to say. He was visibly struggling with making words come out of his mouth, and it was heartbreaking to watch, but Dean waited patiently for him to keep going after he collected himself enough. “I just wanted to offer my condolences. I’m imposing.”

His voice was still so soft Dean had to strain to hear it, but he quickly shook his head.

“Thanks for that, Andy, really. But I don’t think you’re imposing,” Dean responded. He turned to Chuck and Becky, inquiring with his eyes if they thought Andy was bothering them. “Do you guys?”

“No, not at all,” Becky said in a friendly tone, smiling at Andy. She was dialing down her personality a bit, and Andy appreciated it.

“No, go ahead,” Chuck said, motioning at the empty seat next to him.

Andy looked around the room for a moment, like he thought someone watching might disapprove or something. He took a deep breath and played with the thread on his sleeve again before his expression hardened into one of decision and he sat down next to Chuck.

“Awesome,” Dean said, trying to make Andy feel like he was safe with them. “Andy, that’s Chuck you’re sitting next to, and this is Becky. Guys, this is Andy.”

“Yeah, I know them,” Andy said, barely glancing up from his lap to skim over all of their faces. “I’ve been here a while.”

“I’ve always wanted to talk to you, Andy. I’m glad you came over here,” Chuck said encouragingly. “Dean says you’re really cool, and Becky and I have been wanting to meet you.”

“Really?” Andy asked, the concept of someone _wanting_ to get to know the weird kid with the social disorder extremely foreign to him. Even his own parents had given up on getting through to him a while back.

“Yeah,” Becky agreed. “I’ve always liked your drawings, or what I’ve seen of them anyway. You’ll have to show me how to do things like that sometime.”

“Uh, y-yeah. Yeah, sure,” Andy said, maintaining his eye contact with Becky a little longer than at first. He’d graduated to staring at the table instead of his lap most of the time, which was progress.

“I’ve always admired you, Andy,” Chuck said as he rearranged some of the food on his plate again.

“Why?” Andy asked, his face contorting in hesitation.

“Because you’re over coming things,” Chuck stated with a small smile. “You’ve been here a while, like you said, and you haven’t given up hope like most people here have or do at some point. You keep going, and from what I can see you’re getting a lot better.”

Andy shrugged and rubbed the back of his neck with his hand.

“I don’t know if I’d say that,” Andy said.

“That’s the most you’ve ever said to us,” Becky told him. “Not in a bad way or anything, just…you’re more open now. It’s nice.”

“Thanks,” Andy almost whispered.

“You can sit here with us more often if you want,” Chuck offered. “It’s just us and Cas every day; we could use a new face. And between us, you’re the coolest guy here.”

Chuck was trying hard to make Andy feel better about himself, but it was actually endearing to watch. There was something almost instantly brotherly about them, and it reminded Dean of how he was with Sam.

Speaking of which, where _was_ Sam? He was probably busy with school, but if Dean was going to talk about this and cry, it was going to be in front of him. Having Sam around was the best thing for him, and he missed that brotherly connection more than he thought he would.

“Uh, thanks,” Andy said in that almost invisible voice of his. “I know you write books. That’s really cool too…I bet they’re good.”

“Good? They’re only the best books I’ve ever read,” Becky said proudly, looking at Chuck with fondness in her eyes. How the two of them somehow still managed to avoid being considered a couple was beyond Dean.

Andy nodded and started playing with his sleeve as he stared at the table more. That seemed to be the safest place for him to put his focus: right in front of him, unresponsive, and there wasn’t any danger of accidental eye contact with the person he was talking to. That would only happen if Andy purposefully looked up; maybe it was a bit of a control thing too, who could really say for sure?

“I could give you the first one to read if you want,” Chuck said, always excited about another reader. Right now Becky was the one who avidly read whatever he wrote. Castiel had only read bits and pieces here and there, but was always supportive and told him he should keep going.

“That, um…that’d be great. What are they about?” Andy asked. It was strange that someone was showing interest in him, and was even willing to let him read their unofficial book.

Dean smiled as he watched Andy and Chuck talk to each other, seeing the undeniable comradery already, as cheesy as that sounded.

“They’re about brothers that go across the country and hunt ghosts and demons,” Chuck explained. “There’s kind of an underlying plot too about their missing father, but it’s still in the early stages…I haven’t decided what I’m going to make the main theme of it all.”

“That sounds cool,” Andy said, looking up at Chuck a little more. “I’ve drawn some demons.”

“Seriously?” Chuck asked in surprise.

“Yeah. I don’t know if you’d want to see them, but…”

“No, I’d love to,” Chuck said eagerly. “Would you maybe let me use them for some illustrations?”

“If you think they’re good enough,” Andy said, extremely self-aware.

“I know they’ll be badass,” Chuck assured him. “But yeah, the next time I see you you should bring some of your drawings and I’ll give you my first book. If I can get it back from Becky, anyway.”

“I guess I can afford to let it go, but only because Andy needs to be exposed to how brilliant you are as a writer,” Becky joked, taking a sip of her water.

“When am I gonna get to read it?” Dean asked in an effort to be more cheerful. Yeah, he was still pretty miserable because of what happened, but Cas was alive and he was going to see him every day until he came back. That was more than he could ask for at this point.

“After Andy,” Chuck said. “New group member gets perks.”

“Well now I’m just hurt,” Dean teased, putting a hand over his chest dramatically.

Andy tried to smile and his shoulders even moved a few times, like he was attempting to make himself laugh. It was sweet, and Dean was glad that Andy had taken him up on his offer. If anyone here was going to be open and friendly with him it was the group of people he hung out with.

“Thanks for coming over here, Andy,” Dean said.

“You’re the first person to ever say I could sit with you,” Andy said, depressed.

“You mean other people have said you couldn’t?” Becky asked in disbelief.

It was strange to think that someone would say no to something as simple as sitting at the same table together, especially if that had happened here. In a mental ward, almost everyone was equal; it wasn’t like there was a sense of who was better than someone else. Saying it was relatively hard to imagine would be an understatement, but Andy had been there longer than most. Maybe before Dean and everyone else had gotten there the place had worse patients.

“All the time,” Andy replied. “That’s why I sit alone.”

Becky sighed and looked at Andy sympathetically.

“Like we said, you can always sit with us. It’s everyone else’s loss anyways,” Becky said.

Andy smiled appreciatively at her and looked around the dining hall for a moment, distracted when his gaze rested on the area where the food was.

“Where’s Balthazar?” Andy asked quietly, his eyes narrowed in curiosity.

Dean looked over at where the cook normally stood as he made everyone’s meals, but he was nowhere to be seen.

“Probably took the day off after what happened to Cas,” Dean said with a shrug. He knew he’d do the same thing if that had happened to Sammy.

“That must be so awful for him,” Chuck said, his attention also turned to where there was a stranger in place of Balthazar. “Knowing his little brother tried to kill himself when he was just a little ways away. He saw him every day as he got better and now this.”

“That’s really rough,” Dean said, not even realizing how much of a toll that probably took on Balthazar.

“Tell me about it,” Becky said somberly.

“And he never showed up last night while you were there?” Chuck asked incredulously.

“No,” Dean said. “But I don’t know, maybe the hospital couldn’t get ahold of him until later for whatever reason. He wouldn’t just not care enough to show up.”

Granted, Dean didn’t really know anything about Balthazar, but still. Castiel seemed to be on good terms with him, and to him that meant he wouldn’t pass up getting to make sure he got to see his brother in the hospital. That was probably what he’d spend all of today doing, if his absence was any indication.

“You’re right,” Becky said. “There has to be a reason. He cares about Cas a lot, there’s no way he could sleep through the night after that.”

Dean nodded and looked down at his plate, taking another bite of it silently.

After a few moments of surprisingly not tense silence, it was time to go to group. Normally Dean was alright with that; it meant he got to hear from other people and even get some opinions on his problems from non-professionals. But today he didn’t think he could do it.

Yes, Cas was going to be alright, but that didn’t fix the complete trauma that he went through in finding him. And today he was undoubtedly going to be asked to re-live it a dozen times, which seemed like what could be the breaking point for him. Even imagining that he hadn’t gotten to Castiel when he did was enough to make him sick.

“I don’t know if I can do this,” Dean said as he stood up with Becky, Chuck, and Andy to dump the rest of their food and head to therapy. “I’ve got group now.”

“Well hey, at least you don’t have to talk,” Becky said. “That’s the good thing about it. You can sit back and let everyone else share; they’d understand.”

“We all have days we don’t talk,” Andy said supportively.

“If it helps, I probably won’t talk either,” Chuck said, knowing they both had therapy together now. “My OCD’s been acting up and I don’t know what I’d even say if I tried to talk.”

They all exited the dining hall and went their separate ways, waving as Dean carried on his conversation with Chuck.

“Yeah, it’s like there’s some kind of expectation,” Dean agreed. “And I don’t even know where I’d start either. What are we supposed to say, that we’re sorry? Because I’m sure as hell not telling everybody in group about what happened when I walked in our room. I don’t know how I’m gonna resist strangling Ruby either.”

“Did something else happen or this still about the time you yelled at her?” Chuck asked, stopping outside the group therapy door.

“Something else happened,” Dean said somewhat guiltily. 

“Well what was it?” Chuck interrogated.

“I kind of slammed her against a wall and threatened her,” Dean murmured, not wanting anyone to know about it. Even though the orderly already wrote him up, there was no reason everyone should think he’s a violent psychopath.

“I’ve wanted to do that since the day I met her; I get it,” Chuck said. He waited a beat to ask the more serious question. “What did she do?”

“She said that she was hoping Cas had died last night,” Dean said, finding it harder to repeat the words than he thought. “That she thought she would finally be rid of him.”

“My god,” Chuck said in disbelief. “That’s low, even for her.”

He looked at the ground for a second, and Dean noticed that he was trying to keep himself calm. That was weird; Dean had never seen Chuck get mad about something.

“She’s just such a bitch all the time,” Chuck murmured, scuffing the floor with his foot. “I don’t know how she gets away with anything here.”

“Yeah me neither; and I’ve only been here a few days,” Dean said. “Does she like messing with _everyone,_ or is it just me?”

“Pretty much everyone,” Chuck said with a shrug. “She does it in stages though. When I first got here, she loved to fuck around with Lucifer. Since he’s got such an intense disorder, she liked to intensify them for some reason. Got a kick out of seeing him start crying when he thought she was a demon that was going to stab him with a pair of scissors.”

“That’s sick,” Dean said quietly. “I know we’re not supposed to ask, but does anyone know why she’s here? I mean, why the hell would she be acting like this?”

“There are a few rumors,” Chuck told him.

“Rumors?” Dean asked. “I wouldn’t think rumors got spread at a place like this.” 

“I guess when bitches like Ruby come crashing in anything can happen,” Chuck said, trying to make light of the conversation. He might be good at giving advice, but heaviness definitely wasn’t his strong suit. “Some people think she’s here for narcissistic personality disorder, which yeah, is a real thing; others think she’s here because she tried to kill this girl at her school for stealing her boyfriend. Obviously that’s not true, since she’d be in juvi, but it’s always fun to imagine. Other than that, the main rumor is she has histrionic personality disorder.”

“And that is?” Dean asked, completely unsure of what almost every mental disorder was.

“If you break it down it’s basically when someone acts out dramatically so they can get attention,” Chuck said. “I don’t know how much my opinion counts, but I think it’s probably that.”

“It makes the most sense,” Dean said.

He looked up at the clock and saw that group was going to start in one minute and walked inside with Chuck. Their usual seats were open, along with an extra one next to Dean that nobody had dared to sit in.

Rufus was at the head of all the patients, as always, and gave a sympathetic smile when he saw Dean and Chuck.

“Dean, Chuck,” Rufus greeted. “We were worried you two weren’t going to show up today.”

“Well here we are,” Dean said flatly as they sat down, unable to fake some sort of enthusiasm when the chair next to him empty for an almost morbid reason.

“I’m glad you could make it,” Rufus said, glancing around the circle at everyone else who was there. Dean didn’t miss how his eyes lingered on Ruby, giving her what looked like a warning glance. “Well guys, today I thought we’d start off with talking about a time in your life when you had to do something that scared you. I know for a few patients here that’s more of a sensitive subject, but it’s something we need to address. I think it would be healthy for everyone to share; it doesn’t have to be anything big. Who wants to have the honor of going first?”

Lucifer raised his hand tentatively, and Dean noticed that he’d been silent since he and Chuck first walked in the room. Normally he at least talked to himself for a bit, sharply whispering every now and then like he was having an argument with whatever was in his head. But today seemed like it must be a good day for him so far if he wasn’t doing that.

Even though Cas was in the ER still, Dean found himself smiling a little. He was glad that Lucifer was getting a bit of a handle on himself.

“Thanks Lucifer,” Rufus said, a little surprised as he wrote something down on his notepad. “Go ahead.” He gestured for Lucifer to start speaking whenever he was ready.

“Well I don’t have a lot of fears,” Lucifer started out, looking at everyone in the group, down at the floor, and back, unsure of where his focus should be. “But, uh. I faced a pretty big one the other day. You guys all know that I’m schizophrenic, but you probably don’t know that I’ve named all the voices in my head. I know that sounds…even _more_ crazy than having voices in my head to begin with, but it made them easier to keep track of. It makes sense to me, anyways, but the one that’s mainly been out to get me is Jack. He’s always yelling at me and telling me how worthless I am, and he just…he _gets to me_ so much. When I lash out, it’s usually because he’s screaming at me. Regardless, I’ve been working with Crowley for the past few weeks on getting up the courage to confront him.

Yesterday, Jack was yelling at me again. Just the usual stuff about how much of a disgrace I am and there’s no room for a mistake like me anywhere…but I decided I’d finally had enough. So for the first time since he showed up in my head, I made him stop talking. I didn’t even know I could do that.” Lucifer gave a small laugh, like just remembering the victorious moment was enough to keep him happy for years. “When he stopped yelling, I told him to leave me alone. That I was stronger than him and he didn’t have any power over me. I wasn’t going to let him control me anymore, and I felt so…liberated, I guess. My voice was shaking the whole time I talked to him, and I was terrified he was going to come back at any second and shut me up, but he didn’t. And I haven’t heard from him since. So I faced probably the biggest fear that I have, and it turned out alright…I got out of it better than ever. Now I feel like I have a real shot at getting better, and maybe even getting out of here in time to graduate a year behind my class.”

He remained silent after that, and everyone picked up that it was the end of his story.

“That’s awesome, man,” Dean said, feeling like someone had to say it. “Good for you. I don’t think I could’ve done something like that.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Dean noticed Rufus looking at him approvingly before writing something down.

“That takes a lot of courage, Lucifer. Good job,” Rufus commented. He looked around at everyone and rolled his eyes in mock annoyance. “Alright, what’s it gonna take to get a story out of somebody else?”

The rest of group went about as well as expected. Dean and Chuck didn’t say anything and Ruby chimed in every now and then with a disrespectful statement that Rufus would snap at her for making.

When it was over, Dean had a free hour.

“Do you have a free hour right now?” Dean asked Chuck as they walked out of group.

“No, I’ve got private therapy,” Chuck said. “Sorry. I’m sure you could find someone who does that wants to talk to you though.”

“Yeah, you’re right. See you later then,” Dean said, putting up his hand in a slight wave.

Chuck smiled as well as he could and walked away, waving back at Dean.

Dean stood outside the room for a minute, debating what he should do. He could go to the socializing room and try to awkwardly make a new friend, but he didn’t think that would go over so well. Looking up and down the hallway he didn’t see anyone he knew well enough to ask if they had a free hour, so he went up to the meds counter where Charlie stood.

“Hey Charlie,” Dean greeted. “Sorry I didn’t come after breakfast.”

“No problem Dean,” Charlie said. “I figured you’d come during your free hour; it’s easy to forget having to take meds when you’ve never needed to before.”

“Thanks,” Dean said. “I promise I’ll be better about, I’ve just been distracted.”

“I don’t blame you,” Charlie said, putting Dean’s cup of meds that she’d already gotten out on the counter along with a cup of water. “Here you go.”

“Thanks,” Dean said again. It seemed like that’s all he ever really said around Charlie. He really owed her for everything she did for him. “Hey, I was wondering something.”

“Shoot,” Charlie said, turning her attention from the papers she was stacking to Dean.

“Like you said, it’s my free hour,” Dean started, wondering what the best way to go about this would be that didn’t sound suspicious. “I was just wondering if I could maybe spend it with Cas?”

Charlie smiled knowingly at him and stood up. “Sure you can spend it with him,” she said, walking out from behind the counter.

“It means a lot that you’re letting me see him Charlie, I just want you to know that,” Dean said, following her out to Ellen at the front desk. She was on the phone, but she waved to Dean as they walked by.

Charlie and Dean got in the elevator and when the doors closed Charlie turned to look at him.

“I’m gay too, you know,” she said out of nowhere.

Dean stopped breathing for a second and looked at her, laughing nervously.

“Why do you think I’m gay?” he asked, a little too obviously guilty.

“Because I have eyes,” Charlie said proudly. “You and Cas are together; you don’t have to hide it from me. The way you always want to see him and how you two were together on his bed when I came to get you this morning. You’re adorable.”

“Uh, thanks,” Dean said, still a little uneasy from the sudden sexuality statement from Charlie.

“You’re welcome,” Charlie said as the doors opened and they stepped out into the emergency room lobby. “I’ll keep it under wraps; at least try to keep it PG-13, alright?”

“Will do,” Dean said, not sure how true to that promise he could keep if he was here much longer.

“Then I’ll be back in an hour to come get you,” Charlie said, going back to the elevator.

Dean turned around and walked to Castiel’s room, stopping just outside the door when he heard someone talking to Cas inside. He couldn’t make out the words or anything, but took a deep breath before opening the door.

“Hey Cas,” Dean said. When he was in the room all the way he saw that Balthazar was in there too, and he and Cas were crying. “Hey Balthazar…sorry for interrupting. I’ll come back later.”

He made a move to leave before Balthazar spoke up. “No, it’s fine, Dean,” Balthazar said, his voice wavering. “I was going to leave in a few minutes anyway.”

When Dean turned around, he saw Balthazar and Cas both wiping tears off of their faces.

“I’ll come back soon, Cas,” Balthazar said. “Nice to see you, Dean,” he acknowledged as he walked past Dean and left the room.

When Balthazar closed the door behind him, Dean walked up to Castiel’s bedside and looked at him, concerned.

“You okay?” Dean asked, noticing that Cas was still trying to wipe tears off of his face.

“Not really,” Castiel breathed, looking up at the ceiling, then over at Dean.

“How are you feeling? Any better?” Dean inquired.

“Not really,” Cas said. “I don’t want to kill myself anymore, but that doesn’t make what happened okay.”

Dean nodded and took Castiel’s hand, knowing he’d never admit that he wanted to be held.

“Will you please tell me what’s going on?” Dean asked desperately. “I feel like I can’t do or say anything to make you feel better because I _don’t know_ what happened.”

Cas stayed silent for what felt like three years before he spoke again, barely a whisper. 

“My brother died. That's why I did it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *gasp* but tell me more!   
> haha thanks for reading this week guys, and tune in next Monday for exactly what happened to Cas's brother ;)


	10. Castiel's Story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter ten, everyone! Oooh we're in double digits now... gettin' it :P 
> 
> So, once again I'm /really/ sorry that this chapter is shorter than most of them but there are a few reasons for it. 
> 
> Since we find out what happened to Castiel's brother and part of his backstory, it seemed like the chapter should mainly revolve around that, and it's a relatively short scene. I'm one of those quality over quantity kind of people, so I'd rather just have it be shorter and well written than dragged out and awkward. 
> 
> Also, I've still got a few projects to finish for school and I've been slammed with trying to finish them. Hopefully I can stop doing all that soon and get back to writing as much as I want :) 
> 
> Here it is, though!
> 
> TW: reference of abuse/violence

“Oh my god,” Dean whispered, words slowly but surely rising to his lips. “Cas, I’m so sorry…”

 Castiel looked down at his lap, hardly able to believe he’d been able to say it out loud. He supposed he’d let it sit long enough that he had to say it at some point…and it might as well have been to Dean.

“It’s not your fault,” Cas said quietly, looking over at Dean with melancholy eyes. “You don’t have to apologize.”

“I know, but I-…I’m just sorry. That must be devastating,” Dean replied.

Cas could tell from the look on Dean’s face that he was imagining what it would be like if his little brother had died. How it would completely ruin him…and that’s exactly how Castiel felt. Ruined.

“It is,” Castiel said. There was no sense in denying it. “It means a lot that you’ve been here through everything even when you didn’t know what was going on…so thank you.”

“You’re welcome. It’s not like it’s a chore for me though, Cas. I want to,” Dean said sincerely.

“You’re wondering what happened,” Castiel stated, knowing this was something that always seemed to pique people’s curiosity. He’d never understand that. Why do the morbid and the grotesque fascinate everyone to no end? Even though some were decent about keeping it to themselves, Cas could tell that Dean wanted to know the story.

“Yeah, I am,” Dean said. It shocked Castiel that Dean was so open and honest with him, and he owed him the same in return. “But you don’t have to tell me about it if you don’t want to.”

Cas considered it for a moment. He didn’t know if he was ready to talk about this with anyone when he hadn’t even brought it up to Crowley yet, but shook his head and made himself calm down. Dean was his boyfriend. This was the kind of thing he was supposed to feel safe talking to him about.

“No, I want to,” Castiel said. “Bear with me, though.”

“I’m all ears,” Dean replied, kissing Cas’s hand and looking at him with sincerity behind his eyes. It was the kind of stare that Castiel could melt just seeing if they weren’t here.

“I guess I should start by saying my father is an abusive ass,” Cas said slowly. When Dean just looked at him with a hardened expression, he knew that he was going to try not to interrupt. It was probably for the best, too. He could deal with questions later, but for now he had to get it all out at once or he was afraid he’d never be able to talk about it. “He hated all of his kids, but especially me…said I was a disappointment and a disgrace because I didn’t have my head screwed on right. I already knew that, but he wouldn’t let me forget it. Day in and day out he would constantly beat the shit out me, like it was gonna send some sort of message.

Not only that, but the things he said to me; they were almost as brutal as the kicks and punches. A lot of people say that physical wounds are the worst, but I think they’re on the same playing field as psychological ones. Half the shit in my head came from my father and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to cut it out of me. That doesn’t mean I don’t try like hell to, though.” He looked down at his arms and tried not to let himself get overrun with emotions just yet. Remembering everything was bringing up sensations he’d rather stay buried.

“Anyway, that doesn’t matter,” Castiel said, shaking his head. “There are a few years of my life I’d rather not talk about, even now. I was…a horrible person. I was lost, and I can’t think about that again, so we’re gonna skip to what’s actually relevant. Long story short, after years and years of my dad hitting me and my siblings, it reached a breaking point. Everything does eventually, I guess.

“A few months ago I was doing my homework at the dining room table while I waited for my mom to finish cooking dinner when my dad came home early. He was never home early, especially not already wasted to hell and back. Everyone panicked when he came home; it became a survival game, for me more than anyone else. My mom moved to their room so she wouldn’t have to hear it or try to get between us, and my siblings all just stayed in their rooms. They knew what was good for them, I guess. They loved me, but better me than them, right?” Cas gave a small, hollow laugh at his own expense.  “The second he saw my face I knew I was in for it again. He said random shit, like how much of a fucked up disappointment I was and how no amount of time I spent in a psych ward was gonna change things; I’m sure you can imagine some other comments he made.

Sparing you the argument we had, he started hitting me.” Castiel didn’t miss the way Dean’s face contorted in sadness and fury when Cas said that, and he squeezed his hand to try to make him feel a little better.

“The second he threw the first punch I knew I was in trouble,” Castiel continued, attempting to keep his voice from shaking. “I’d never felt that kind of pain before or since. Normally I could take anything he gave me pretty well, but this was too much. I started begging him to stop, but he didn’t listen. He yelled at me even more and said how much I’d completely ruined our family. That I’d be better off dead, and he should’ve killed me the thousands of times he’d had the chance to. I don’t really remember how it got so bad, but the next thing I knew he grabbed a knife. By then I’d been screaming for him to stop for a while; I was practically hoarse, and as soon as I saw him grab it I knew I was dead. I tried to crawl into the living room to grab the phone and call the cops, and I was screaming for everyone in the house to do it too. I guess someone must have, but I didn’t know. Before I could even get five feet away from him, he stabbed me. First in my back, just to get me to stop moving, I guess. I went into shock, and I didn’t feel anything at first; but when I turned around I saw him holding the blade with blood smeared all over it and started screaming at the top of my lungs. When I turned over, he stabbed me again in the stomach and started slashing my skin everywhere he could reach. That’s what most of the scars you’ve seen on me are…knife wounds from when he attacked me.” There was a flare of recognition go across Dean’s face, and Castiel tried to ignore the pain that was so evident in Dean’s features as he spoke. Tears welled up behind his eyes, and Cas found it hard to keep talking when he looked at them. He had to do it though, he’d already told him this much.

“I don’t know how long he kept doing that,” Castiel said dejectedly. “All I knew was that every time I screamed there was more and blood in my mouth, and I just kept _choking…_ a pool of blood was spreading under me. I tried to struggle and get him away from me, but nothing worked. I was spattering red everywhere while I tried to get away, and at some point my mom and brother came out of their rooms. It couldn’t have been more than thirty seconds after he started stabbing me that they came out from hiding, but it felt like years. My mom tried to get him to step away from me…she was screaming and sobbing. I’d never heard her sound so freaked out in my life. I tried to tell her it was okay. That I was ready to go; I could leave. I’d done everything I could here, and nothing worked. But all that came out of my mouth was more blood, and the pain became unbearable. I accepted what was going to happen to me; I’d made my peace with dying way before that ever happened.” Cas felt Dean squeeze his hand, and there were tears flowing freely down both of their faces now.

They were a mess, but at least they had each other. This must have been extremely difficult for Dean to hear after what he’d had to endure the past day because of him. There was no end to that guilt, even though he knew it would eventually be something so far in the past they’d hardly think about it. Did that mean Cas saw himself having a future with Dean? He didn’t know. It scared him to think that he could have something like that, but he couldn’t deny that he wanted it more than he’d dared to let himself want anything for a long time.

“But we’re not gonna think about that right now,” Castiel amended when he saw how much it was affecting both of them to talk about him dying. “Anyway, when my mom tried to pry my dad off of me, my brother Samandriel stepped in. He’s the second youngest, only older than me; we’d been close my whole life. He pushed my mom to the side so she wouldn’t get hurt, but my dad stabbed him in the stomach 6 times before the cops came. I guess he was more angry at him than me because Samandriel had gotten in his way. I dragged myself over to him, crying and yelling for him to stay with me, but he closed his eyes. I don’t know what happened with my dad; I wasn’t paying attention. All I know is that the cops outside the house got him, and they pulled me off of my brother to get us into separate ambulances. I passed out on the way to the hospital, and a lot of stuff from then on out’s pretty hazy.

“I woke up in a room pretty much just like this here. That was when I stopped coming to school. I almost died, but I was alright. As alright as you can be after living through something like that, I guess. But Samandriel wasn’t. He had too many internal injuries, and something went really wrong with his brain while they were trying to get him back. He was in a coma, and it was constantly touch and go. No one in my family had the heart to let him go, even when it looked like he was never gonna come back. That’s what love does, though. You can’t let go of them; you get selfish, and you don’t want to give up the last bit of hope you have. That’s how I was. I didn’t want to believe he was really going through this, and I didn’t want to believe that he was going to die. He was my big brother, you know?” Cas used his free hand to wipe at his eyes. “I looked up to him. Other than Anna, he was the only sibling I had that was more of a friend to me than anything else. He was always kind, and he taught me everything I know. How to ride a bike, how to tie my shoes, how to read…all the fantasies you hear about how big brothers are supposed to be, that was Alfie.” Castiel smiled to himself and held back a small laugh. “That was what I called him when I was too young to say Samandriel. It was one of those things, you know. He’ll always be Alfie to me. And because of my abusive, pathetic excuse for a father, he got taken away from me. He was the best thing I had in my life, and now he’s gone. When you saw me screaming in the hallway, that was right after my mom told me he died the night before. I’m sorry you had to see me like that, and I’m sorry for what you walked in on a few hours later. I just didn’t see the point in trying if he wouldn’t be around. I’d been living in a world of denial, thinking Alfie was gonna be fine, and then just like that he wasn’t. I snapped, and I didn’t know how to deal with it, so I wanted out.”

He looked at Dean for a reaction, not sure what he was expecting. He’d basically just poured his heart out and told Dean what only his family and Crowley knew. The best way to describe the look on Dean’s face was one of pure sorrow. Oddly enough, it didn’t make Castiel feel pitied; it made him feel like Dean cared. And that was something no one did anymore.

“I’m so sorry, Cas,” Dean said, his voice breaking slightly. “I wish I knew what to say, I’m just-…I’m so sorry.” There was something in the way he said it that made Castiel believe him, and he nodded back.

“Thank you,” he said, looking down at their hands to avoid Dean’s eyes. “I never know how to handle it when you look at me like that.”

“Like what?” Dean asked, the statement seemingly catching him off-guard.

“I don’t know, like I matter to you?” Castiel asked, unsure if he was even wording it right.

“You don’t have to handle it any way,” Dean said with a shrug. “Just let me do it. You matter to me, Cas. And I hate hearing that all that horrible shit happened to you, because you sure as hell don’t deserve it. You’re the most kindhearted, amazing, and genuine person I’ve ever met, and I care about you so much.”

There was a moment where it looked like Dean was struggling for the right words to say next, and then he leaned over and kissed Castiel gently. Cas closed his eyes and kissed Dean back, cupping the back of his neck and tangling his fingers in Dean’s hair to keep him there. This was the closest he’d felt to anyone in as long as he could remember, and he wasn’t about to let it go. He let himself be loved as he felt Dean’s soft lips move against his own, cherishing every second. They pulled away too early, but Cas kept their foreheads rested together.

“Do you want to get up here with me?” Castiel asked somewhat nervously. It was the first time in years he could remember asking someone to help him feel better simply by being there. He always thought of himself as too much of a bother, and that he was the one who made sure others were okay. It wasn’t the other way around.

“Do you really have to ask that?” Dean questioned back.

Cas moved over a bit and let Dean settle down next to him. He felt Dean wrap his arm around him and he shamelessly threw his arm over Dean’s torso and rested his head on his chest.

“I like getting to spend time with you like this,” Dean said distractedly, running his hand up and down Castiel’s back and side.

“Me too,” Castiel murmured, feeling content, all things considered. “How long can you stay? The day’s not over yet.”

“I’m just here for my free hour,” Dean said with a quiet sigh of sadness. “I wish I could stay here longer, though. Charlie said I can be back after dinner, and maybe I can convince her to let me spend the night again.”

“How did you even convince her to let you stay here for your free hour? They’re usually so uptight about this kind of thing,” Cas said.

“She knows we’re together,” Dean said.

Castiel looked up at Dean, confused. “She what?”

“She knows,” Dean re-iterated. “She’s okay with it though.”

“How the hell are all these people finding out about us?” Cas asked no one in particular. “I swear, we do everything we can to hide it and somehow everyone knows.”

“Who do you know that knows?” Dean asked incredulously.

“Crowley, because he told me that he told you, Gabriel, Ruby, and now Charlie,” Cas listed off, “Do we have fucking neon signs around our necks or something?”

Dean gave a small laugh that Castiel could feel from his chest; one of the most pure things he’d ever heard, as hopelessly romantic as that sounded.

“I guess so. I’m okay with that,” Dean said, and Cas felt him kiss his hair.

“Me too, if you are,” Castiel said, humming softly. “Thanks for listening, by the way.”

“Of course,” Dean said, like it was nothing. But to Cas, it was everything.

“I’m serious,” Castiel said. “The only people that know all that stuff are my family and Crowley. Not a lot of people would want to know all about a fucked up kid’s life, let alone hear it and still want to be in a relationship with one…if that’s what you still want.”

“I wish you thought so much better of yourself,” Dean said quietly, moving his hand to trace along the line of Castiel’s spine. “You can’t scare me away by telling me about some bad shit that happened to you. I’ll always want to be here for you; and I think it means a hell of a lot that we’ve gotten through so much together after we’ve barely started dating and we’re dealing. This is something we’ll have to deal with, and I can’t even imagine how awful it feels that you lost your brother. If I lost Sam, I don’t even…but I’ll be here for you. I might not understand, but if you ever feel bad about it or even just want to talk about him for a bit, I’ll listen. You could talk to me for hours about a chair and I’d listen.”

Castiel felt a bit of happiness rise in his chest. There was something behind Dean’s words that made him believe them, even though he still thought he was unworthy.

“I think you’re good for me,” Cas confessed, turning his face up so he could look at Dean properly. “I think I might be able to start seeing myself in a better way because of you.”

Dean grinned widely and kissed him, just a simple touch of their lips. “I’m glad. You’re good for me too, you know; you help me a lot just being around, even though you might not realize it.”

Castiel gave a small smile and put his head down, nuzzling just under Dean’s chin. But of course, just as they got comfortable, Charlie walked into the room.

“Hey guys,” she said as they awkwardly tried to reassemble themselves so they were just sitting next to one another. “Sorry, Dean. Your free hour’s up.”

Castiel felt his heart sink a little at the words, even though he knew Dean would be back soon. He didn’t like being alone up here; it was cold and bland and there was never anything to do. It wasn’t like he could go anywhere even though he felt fine enough to move around on his own now.

“That’s fine. Thanks for letting me come here, Charlie,” Dean said, getting off the bed.

“Bye Dean,” Castiel said, looking at him fondly.

“Bye Cas,” Dean said, leaning down and kissing him on the cheek so things didn’t get strange around Charlie.

“Nice to see you’re doing better, Cas,” Charlie said. “I’ll come back and say hi later.”

“Alright, thanks. Bye Charlie,” Castiel called.

 

Dean and Charlie walked out of the room, and Charlie smiled at him as they got in the elevator.

“Your brother’s here,” she said.

“Really?” Dean asked hopefully.

“Yeah. He’s supposed to call us so he can come during your free hour, but we’ll let you skip your art class if you want to see him,” Charlie said.

“Are you kidding? Yeah, I want to see him,” Dean said, feeling a little better already.

The elevator doors opened and they walked out, Dean waving at Ellen again as they walked past her and into the hallway.

Charlie walked with Dean down to the visiting rooms and opened the door for him, where Sam was waiting inside.

“I’ll come back in an hour,” she said.

“Thanks, Charlie,” Dean said, walking into the room where Sam was sitting in one of the chairs.

“Hey Sammy,” Dean greeted, hugging him with everything he had.

“Hey Dean,” Sam replied, embracing him back.

They both sat down, and Dean let a small smile dance across his face. Things finally felt a little normal; talking to Sam just like it was any other day. Maybe he could finally get a little peace of mind and not have to worry about anything or anyone; just talk to his little brother.

 

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Feedback is really keeping this thing alive, and I love you all so much for the support you've given it so far :) <3


	11. Capable of Feeling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter eleven here we gooooo :) 
> 
> Sorry it's shorter than I usually write, but this past week has been genuinely awful for me. I had a bunch of assignments, an essay, course registration, and my depression is back with a vengeance. BUT HAVE NO FEAR this is my week before spring break so I should have pretty much no homework and more time to write. Next week on Sunday and Monday I'm gonna be in Canada, so I'll update either on Saturday or Tuesday but an update will definitely happen. 
> 
> This chapter is more of a filler, but for pretty much every reason I just listed I had trouble finding the inspiration to have a plot-driven chapter. 
> 
> Hope you guys like it and I'm seriously so sorry it's this tiny I didn't mean for it to happen.

“How’ve you been?” Dean asked, clasping his hands together in his lap. He was desperate to hear about anything other than the shit that had been going on lately in his life.

“Pretty good. What about you? Hope it’s not too miserable so far,” Sam said, obviously trying to lighten the atmosphere.

“I’m alright, I guess. A lot’s happened, but I can tell you about that later. Tell me about school, mom, how’s everything going?” Dean asked.

“It’s better than I thought it would be,” Sam admitted with a slight shrug. “I applied for a few part time jobs at the shopping center, but haven’t heard back yet.”

“I’m sorry you have to do that because of me,” Dean said regretfully. “If I wasn’t I here, I-.”

“Dean,” Sam cut him off. “Don’t worry about it. If it bugs you that much, I’ll quit when you get out. For now, it’s fine though. I want you to get better as much as mom does, and as much as I hope you do too. I can have a job for a while if it means I get my big brother back in a better place.”

Dean smirked half-heartedly. “When did you get so mature?” he teased.

“Birth,” Sam stated sarcastically.

“You might be right about that, actually,” Dean said. Sam had always been great about handling things like this; much better than he was.

“But other than that, mom’s been okay,” Sam said. “She’s starting to understand things more, and she’s getting a handle on herself. I don’t see too much of her though since she’s working extra shifts at the diner. Sometimes I see her before school or before I go to bed, but that’s basically it.”

“And let me guess…you don’t take advantage of that like any other normal ass teenager would,” Dean said with a laugh that was only a little bit forced.

“Well…” Sam said with a partial smile, looking around the room like he was debating his innocence.

“What, you’re having parties now?” Dean asked, knowing Sam would be lying if he said that’s what he was up to.

“No, but I’ve had Jess over,” Sam admitted proudly. Dean couldn’t help but grin thinking about how his little brother was finally starting to be a normal kid.

“Seriously? Good for you, man,” Dean said, impressed. “Did you ask her out?”

“No. It’s hard, Dean; I’m not good with girls like you. It took a lot for me to even ask her to study after school,” Sam said.

“Hey, at least now you know she likes you back, right?” Dean said supportively. “Trust me, Sam, she’ll say yes. She’d be insane not to.”

“You’re my brother, Dean, you’d say that about anything. You said I could make it if I tried out for baseball and we all know how that ended,” Sam reminded him.

“Okay. _Maybe_ I should’ve seen you throw first,” Dean conceded. “But any girl who doesn’t like you is crazy, not to mention she already came over. To study. She probably thought you were gonna ask her out or make a move or something while she was over, but she didn’t get pissed when you never did. That’s how you know she likes you.”

Sam didn’t say anything for a second; just rolled his eyes in exaggerated annoyance and laughed. “If you say so,” he said. Dean watched as Sam struggled for something else to say that would take the focus off of his love life, or lack thereof. “Enough about me and Jess though. Any hot girls here for you?”

Dean shrugged and shook his head. “Nope” he said. “But if I tell you something do you promise you won’t tell mom? Or anyone that could tell somebody important and get me in trouble?”

“I swear,” Sam said curiously.

“Have I ever told you I’m bi?” Dean asked, fairly sure he hadn’t. It wasn’t an ideal way to come out, but he didn’t want to dwell on it. He was never great at these heavier topics anyway, and Sam was well aware of that. 

Sam raised an eyebrow as he looked at him, almost comically unamused. “No, but I’ve known for years,” he said. “I pick up on things.”

Dean sat up a little straighter and smirked, glad that Sam was so accepting and easygoing. The last thing he needed was for his family to bitch at him for his sexual orientation…that’d be yet another issue to pile onto what seemed like millions of others.

“Right. Well, I met someone here. A guy,” Dean said. “…and we’re dating.”

“Really?” Sam asked, seemingly excited. “Dean, that’s awesome!”

“Even if I told you it was Cas?” Dean asked, unsure of how Sam would react. He actually knew Cas, and Dean didn’t know if he liked him enough to say he was ‘good enough’ for them to be together or whatever the hell he could potentially go off about.

“Cas?” Sam asked, looking down for a moment like he was in shock before staring at Dean again. “Never thought he’d be the type to have a real relationship.”

“I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean,” Dean said, anxious that Sam didn’t like it.

“Nothing, just-…wow. I didn’t think someone would be able to make him commit to something serious. Is it serious?” Sam asked.

“I think so,” Dean said. “We’ve only been dating a few days, but I know I’m serious about it…and I think he is too. If nothing else, we need each other right now, and we can see where it goes when we get out of here.”

“That’s great,” Sam said with a small smile. “You give off a different vibe now, you know? Yeah you’re out of it, but you seem more hopeful than the last time I was here.”

“So you’re not gonna yell at me for going out with a mental patient?” Dean teased.

“ _You’re_ a mental patient. That wouldn’t really be a good argument for me,” Sam said with a chuckle. “But I’m happy for you. You deserve to have something good happen after all the crap that we’ve been through lately. If that means you start dating a dude you met here, go ahead.”

“Thanks, Sam,” Dean said, hoping his appreciation was coming through enough. “What about school? Is it boring without me yet?”

“A little, yeah,” Sam said genuinely. “Ash misses the hell out of you. Says you’re the only person he can stand talking to.”

Dean breathed out something that was almost a laugh and gave his best effort to smile. “Yeah, I miss him too,” he said, wringing his hands distractedly. 

“He wants to visit, you know,” Sam said, like he thought Dean needed some reassurance. Which in all fairness, he did.

He knew that Ash loved him like a brother; they’d practically been family since they were in middle school, but lately he was having all sorts of weird thoughts. Dean wasn’t sure who he’d consider to be his real friends, and wasn’t even sure if Ash would bother setting aside the time to go see him when he could be drinking or playing video games instead.

“He’s busy with school this week, but he’s gonna try to make it this weekend,” Sam continued.

“That’s awesome,” Dean said. “It can get rough sometimes over here; seeing you is exactly what I needed. It’s insane, and I’ve only been around a few days.”

“Anything you wanna talk about?” Sam asked.

“I don’t know,” Dean said, leaning back in his chair again and bringing a hand up to his face. He forced down a small laugh at thinking about how Cas told him he doesn’t know a lot of things. Guess it still held true. “It’s just been a lot to handle.”

“Well everything’s new. It’ll take a bit of time,” Sam said supportively.

“Cas tried to kill himself a few nights ago,” Dean said, not exactly sure why he said it. Probably because he figured Sam deserved to know. If anyone could talk to him and not make him feel like a failure, it was Sam.

Sam was silent for a moment, a range of emotions dancing over his face one after the other in a matter of seconds. “He _what_?”

“He tried to kill himself,” Dean repeated, his voice breaking. “And I feel like the worst excuse for a boyfriend in the world.”

“My god,” Sam whispered, not sure what he was supposed to say to something like that. “I’m so sorry….he’s okay though, right?”

“Yeah, he’s fine,” Dean said. “I found him, so he got help in time.”

“You found him?”

“Yeah. And I really don’t want to think about it. The point is that he’s okay.”

Sam nodded and shrugged. “Then there was nothing else you could really do, Dean,” he said. “Once somebody feels that low, it’s hard to drag them out of that place. Even if you try harder than you ever have in your life, sometimes there’s not much that can be done. The only thing you could do was be there for him while he got through it, and you were. If it weren’t for you, he wouldn’t even be here right now. There’s no reason for you to beat yourself up so much. First dad, now this…Dean, it’s not your fault. None of it.”

“It feels like it is,” Dean said, hitting his head on the wall behind his chair in aggravation. “I know it’s not, but I can’t shake the feeling that if I wasn’t around somehow all this wouldn’t have happened. If it had been me in the accident instead of dad, maybe this whole thing would’ve been different.”

“If by that you mean me and both of our parents would be crying for years over you dying and Cas dying too? Then yeah, it’d be a hell of a lot different,” Sam said, suddenly sounding infinitely beyond his years. It was like he grew up a little more every night, and he wasn’t sure how that was even possible. Then again, Sam had always been a  pretty extraordinary kid. “You’re a lot better than you give yourself credit for, Dean. And yeah, it sucks that dad died, but you’re still here and I’m insanely glad you are. Even though I hate you sometimes, I really love you. You’re the best brother in the world, and I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you. At least you’re still around. You saved Cas’s life; doesn’t that mean something to you?”

“Of course it means something to me,” Dean said, putting his hands over his eyes while his head still rested at an angle against the wall so he was looking more at the ceiling than anything else. “I know I shouldn’t feel bad, but I just _do_ and I fucking hate it.”

“I’m sorry you feel so badly, Dean. Really, I am. But you can always take a step back, look at everything that’s happened so far and everything good that’s come from you being here, and say you’ve done a good job…if nothing else, you’ve done everything you can, and that’s something to be proud of. I don’t think I could do everything you have,” Sam said.

“Yeah you could,” Dean replied. “But thanks. You’re starting to sound a lot like my therapist, Crowley.”

“Is that a bad thing?” Sam asked hesitantly, like he half-expected Dean to get pissed at him for being so logical and thought out like he usually did.

“No, I like him,” Dean assured him. “He makes me think; he’s really relatable. British, if that’s any sort of compliment to you.” 

“Then cool,” Sam said with a chuckle. “I’ll take awesome British therapist any day.”

Dean opened his mouth to ask Sam some more things about how he was holding up, but Charlie came into the room with an apologetic look on her face.

“Sorry guys, visiting time’s up,” she said, looking at the both of them. “It’s dinner now, so Dean you can get ready for that when you’re done here.”

“Alright, thanks Charlie,” Dean said.

Charlie backed out of the doorway and left, and Dean hugged Sam again.

“Good to see ya, Sammy,” Dean said, patting him once on the back before pulling away.

“You too, Dean. I’ll come back this weekend, promise.”

“Good, I’m gonna need it,” Dean said, only half-joking.

They exited the room and Dean waved to Sam as he started down the opposite hallway for the dining hall. He wasn’t sure if he felt like eating, but supposed he’d have to try. Today had just been an off day in general for him. He felt like shit, and he didn’t know why and didn’t want to talk about it.

When Dean turned a corner, looking at the ground and not paying attention, he accidentally rammed into someone.

“Sorry,” he murmured as he focused in on who it was. “Oh, hey Chuck. Becky. Andy…what’s going on?”

Dean couldn’t explain it, but he felt a weird rush of joy at seeing all of them together.

“We’ve been looking everywhere for you!” Becky said excitedly, only making Dean grin wider.

“Sorry, my little brother was visiting. Why were you trying to find me?” Dean asked, starting to think that they were up to something.

“We’re gonna do something awesome, but we’ve got to be quick,” Chuck said, motioning for Dean to follow them.

Dean walked down the hall with them, giving a slight laugh when he noticed they were speed walking and tried to keep up.

“What the hell are we doing?” Dean asked, turning a bunch of corners with them.

“Trust us,” Andy said quietly, giving Dean a reassuring look.

“Alright. If we get in trouble I’m not taking the fall,” Dean said, half-joking.

“Okay okay, just keep quiet and when we get there we can talk all you want,” Becky said excitedly as they got to a door that was pretty far down a hallway Dean had never been down before. Cas had never even shown it to him when they went on their tour.

Dean did as he said and didn’t say anything until they were inside, looking around in confusion. Gabriel was in the corner, and he waved at them.

“Hey guys,” he greeted, going back to reading the magazine in his hands.

“What is this place and why have I never heard of it?” Dean asked, looking around.

The walls were made of glass, and all around it just outside the room were large green plants and flowers of every color. It was beautiful; easily the most beautiful room Dean had seen at the hospital so far. He was lost as to why he hadn’t heard about patients coming here more.

“It’s where patients who’ve been having a really rough time go,” Chuck explained. “It’s not exclusive or anything, but it’s usually where you go if you need a minute to just breathe or do something in peace that’s not the library.”

“I used to come here a lot,” Andy said, looking around with a small smile on his face. It was probably the most serene Dean had ever seen him. He wasn’t staring at the floor or mumbling; he was looking around the bright room, and he seemed so, for lack of a better word, peaceful. “Whenever I was having a really bad time I would always ask Charlie if I could come here and she’d let me. I drew a lot at that table.” He gestured to one of the few tables with several chairs around them in the center of the room.

“So we’re not allowed to be here or are we?” Dean asked, not clear on why they had to be sneaky about this.

“Both,” Gabriel answered. “You can come in here whenever you want as long as there’s a supervisor…AKA yours truly. But it’s dinner, so you technically shouldn’t be here; I’m cool with it though. Pretty much the only rule I have is if someone with a serious breakdown you have to leave.”

“Fair enough,” Dean said.

“Come on, let’s sit over here,” Becky said, taking Chuck’s hand and leading them all to a table where they sat in their usual dining hall configuration out of habit. “I think we should get to know a little more about each other.” 

“Like what?” Chuck asked, his eyes grazing over each of them.

“Like, what do you want to be when you grow up?” Becky asked, knowing full well how juvenile the question sounded without a care in the world.

Chuck gave a small laugh and shrugged. “An author,” he said.

“And we all know it’s gonna happen,” Becky said, nudging him playfully. “What about you, Dean?”

“I don’t know,” Dean said, cursing himself for saying it yet again. “Maybe a mechanic? Musician?”

“Those are pretty different…nice,” Becky commented before turning her attention to Andy. “Andy?”

“It’s stupid, but I’ve always wanted to create a comic book,” Andy said softly, rubbing the back of his neck self-consciously.

“That’s not stupid, it’s great,” Chuck said.

Andy’s face turned red and he started fidgeting with his hands, appreciative of the comment nonetheless.

They spent the better part of dinner just talking about random things, getting to know each other more, and it was the nearest thing Dean felt to having friends than he had in a while. Other than Cas, these were the only people he’d consider himself close to. Andy was even starting to come out of his shell a little more, and Dean couldn’t help but feel a little proud of himself. He normally wasn’t the ‘reaching out’ type, but it was so great to know that he’d made a difference in someone’s life simply by saying they could eat together sometime.

 

By the time they had said goodbye to Gabriel and were walking back to the main dining hall, Charlie was roaming around.

“Hey guys,” she said. “Dean, you wanna go see Cas?”

“Yeah, that’d be great,” Dean said, turning back to face his friends. “Night guys.”

“Night Dean,” they all said slightly out of unison.

Dean followed Charlie over to the elevators and smiled to himself, excited to see Cas again. It was strange. A few months ago he hated having to see anyone. Holding conversations could be hell on earth, and he always said the wrong things. Now it was the second time in the span of a few hours since he’d seen Castiel and he was already anxious to be with him again.

“I’m glad you’re making friends,” Charlie said as the doors opened.

“Me too,” Dean said. “I think they’re the first ones I’ve ever had, now that I think about it.”

The people he used to spend his time with were shallow and only cared about him because he was on the wrestling team; he was popular, and that was it. These people  were different; when he was at his lowest they still liked him and wanted to be with him. He could feel that this was the start of a brand new life for him, and it was one the most terrifying and invigorating sensations he’d ever known.

 

 

 

 

  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Your reviews are the greatest and I love you all so much <3


	12. A Different Side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 12! Honestly, if you'd told me 6 months ago I'd be writing a 63,000 + word fanfiction I'd say you were out of your mind haha. I even managed to still get this chapter out on a Monday and I literally got back in the US 15 minutes ago, but here we go :)

A few days later, Dean woke up feeling a little better. Cas would finally be coming back to the ward, and that meant they could spend some more time together. Despite Dean’s fairly regular visits to Castiel’s room, he would’ve much preferred to be with him in their room. It was homey compared to the overwhelmingly sanitary environment of the hospital bed; something Dean never thought he’d actually say. They’d managed to talk Charlie out of putting Castiel in a separate room, but had to compromise with letting an orderly keep a close eye on him both in and out of the room. Luckily for them, that person was Gabriel; he’d even volunteered for it.

Dean rose easily after his alarm went off, putting on his clothes. He’d noticed recently that every time he got up in their room without Cas or went to get changed after spending the night with him, he couldn’t make himself look over at Castiel’s dresser. It wasn’t even a conscious thing that he was trying to avoid, but it was definitely happening. Like even in the back of his head it was hard to deal with, and he expected that it wouldn’t get any easier. He’d just have to try to move on and slowly let himself adjust to looking at that part of the room again. It wasn’t like he could avoid it forever, and it was irrational as hell. But then again, irrationality never seemed to stop him before.

Dean didn’t know what time Castiel was coming, so he just headed out and went for the dining hall. He took a pancake and some orange juice before sitting down at his usual table.

“Hey guys,” Dean said, looking from Chuck, to Becky, to Andy. In a corner of his mind Dean noted that this would be the first time Castiel had a meal with Andy, whether he showed up now or for any of the other meals that day. He looked forward to seeing his reaction, knowing how shocked he’d been at the sheer notion that Dean had gotten Andy to say a word to him.

“Hey Dean,” they all said at their respective times.

“Are you excited?” Becky asked, practically bouncing in her seat already.

“How the hell you have so much energy at 8 o’clock in the morning really worries me, Becky; you should get that checked out,” Dean teased.

“Come on, I’m excited too!” she said enthusiastically. “It’s been a long time, and we haven’t gotten to see Cas practically every day like _some people._ ”

Dean felt himself starting to turn red and rolled his eyes to try to counteract his obvious embarrassment. “He talks about you guys a lot; he really wished they’d let you go see him up there,” he said.

“Us too,” Chuck said. “Do you know what time he’s supposed to come down?”

“No idea,” Dean said. When he lifted his gaze from his plate, he saw Castiel walking towards them, but he put a finger to his lips, silently telling Dean not to let them know he was coming.

Becky and Chuck were sitting across from Dean and Andy with their backs to Cas, so he wanted to surprise them both. Dean side-glanced at Andy and saw that he noticed Castiel too, but he didn’t let it show.

“Probably before dinner, I’m guessing,” Dean elaborated casually, taking a sip of his water.

“Makes sense,” Becky said with a shrug.

Castiel finally reached them and tapped them both on the shoulders. When Becky turned around she squealed and discreetly grabbed one of his hands where the orderlies around them couldn’t see.

“Cas! I’m so happy you’re back,” she said excitedly.

“Me too. We missed you, man,” Chuck said, smiling at him.

“I missed you shits too,” Castiel joked, giving them one of the closest things Dean had ever seen to a genuine smile from him. He looked over at Andy and the amusement behind his grin increased. “And since when is this fine gentleman eating with us?”

“A few days ago,” Andy said shyly. He’d never spoken to Cas before, so it was pretty impressive that he was willing to say anything at all directly to him.

“Nice. I think that’s the first thing you’ve ever said to me…it’s a good change,” Castiel said, walking over to Dean. “Hey babe.”

“Hey,” Dean said, smiling as Castiel sat down next to him.

“You’ve gotta eat, Cas,” Becky said, jerking her head towards the unnamed orderly who always wrote down the names of the patients who weren’t eating.

Cas shook his head. “No, I ate upstairs before I came here. As much as I love my brother, the food in the ER’s a million times better,” he said.

“It’s not that bad,” Andy said with a small smile, poking at his waffle with his fork. “Better than the food my old school used to have for sure.”

“I’ll be sure to tell him you said that. It’s probably the nicest thing anyone’s said about his cooking in a while,” Castiel said.

“How was it not being here?” Becky asked curiously, completely changing the subject without even realizing it like only she could. “It’s almost like I can’t even imagine life away from this place anymore.”

“It was fine,” Castiel said in a flat tone. “I mean, I’d rather it not be because I tried to kill myself, but you know how things don’t always work out.”

“I didn’t mean it like-,” Becky tried to explain.

“Don’t worry about it,” Cas assured her with a small smile. “I was just messing with you a little. It wasn’t better than here if that’s what you mean. It was nice to be away from everyone at first, but eventually it got pretty boring. Crowley only came to see me once; said I needed a few days to ‘gather my thoughts and all that’ before he saw me again.”

“I never knew you did accents,” Dean said, raising an eyebrow at Castiel’s surprisingly accurate imitation of Crowley.

“There’s a lot of stuff I can do with this mouth you don’t know about yet,” Cas teased with a wink.

“Okay Cas, save it for the bedroom,” Chuck said while Becky rolled her eyes.

“But Dean, you need to tell me how he is. I’ve always wondered,” Becky said to Dean in a way that seemed scarily almost genuine.

“Oh my god,” Dean murmured, feeling his face get more red by the second.

“One of the many reasons I like you. You blush so easily,” Cas said, and Dean could practically hear that smirk in his voice.

“Can you really blame him?” Chuck asked with a laugh.

The rest of breakfast went on in a similar way with everyone getting caught up on what was going on with each other before the hour was up. 

“Guess it’s time for my first group session back. What joy,” Castiel said sarcastically as he stood up.

“It’s not like it’s gotten any harder since you left,” Becky said as the rest of them stood and dumped their leftovers.

“Yeah, but I’m not really in the mood for talking to anyone…or hearing about everyone else’s shit for that matter,” Castiel said.

“Are you ever in the mood to talk to anyone?” Becky teased as they walked out of the dining hall.

“Rarely,” Cas admitted.

“Then just sit there and look pretty. I’m sure Rufus will give you a pass,” Becky said. “I’m off this way, but I’ll see you guys later.”

“I have to go that way too. Bye guys,” Andy said softly, turning to walk down the hall.

“Nice to finally talk to you, Andy,” Castiel called after him, starting to go to group with Dean and Chuck. “I don’t know what I was imagining he’d be like, but it wasn’t that. I like him though; he’s cool.”

“Wait till he gets comfortable around you; he’s awesome, especially when he feels like he can open up to you,” Chuck said.

“Can’t wait,” Castiel said. And just like that they were at the door to group therapy. He opened it and let Dean and Chuck in before him, following in soon after.

“Castiel,” Rufus said fondly from his seat at the head of the group.

It was a little awkward since everyone else was apparently already there except for them. The three seats they always sat in were empty and everyone was staring at them as they walked towards the group.

When Dean glanced over at Cas he could see how uncomfortable he was, despite not wanting to show it. Maybe that was just something Dean could see, but it was hard for him to fight down the urge to grab Castiel’s hand and squeeze it in comfort.

“Hey Rufus,” Cas said, taking a seat in his usual chair, followed by Dean and Chuck.

“Good to have you back,” Rufus acknowledged before scanning the rest of the group. “Well, now that we’re all here we might as well start. Anyone have a topic they’d like to discuss?”

Everyone nervously looked at each other across the circle; there was an air was about the room that was a little more concerning than usual. It felt strained and cautious, unlike the past few days. Dean assumed it was because Cas was back. Everyone had known why he was gone for so long, but no one had the nerve to comment on it or ask.

“I think we should take a minute to talk about hopelessness,” Rufus said at the lack of response. “I know it’s a touchy subject for some of you, but it’s important we do things like this every now and then. Hopelessness is probably something all of you have dealt with, in one way or another.”

“Are you sure this is okay after what happened?” A kid Dean had never heard speak before said, almost under his breath as he looked over at Cas.

“I’m sitting right here,” Castiel said, rolling his eyes. “And it’s fine. Keep going, Rufus; we should hear this.”

It was moments like this that made Dean really admired Cas. He didn’t think he could sit there and listen to someone lecture about feeling like there was no way out after he tried to off himself. He brushed his hand purposefully against Castiel’s arm as he lifted it to fake itch the side of his nose.

“Alright, let’s keep going then,” Rufus said, writing something down on his notepad. “Anyone want to start us off?”

“This is the stupidest thing we’ve ever done,” Ruby complained loudly, rolling her eyes.

“Let’s try to avoid the attitude for a while longer, Ruby,” Rufus said, not amused by her commentary.

“She’s been a little bitchier than usual lately,” Dean whispered under his breath to Cas.

Castiel nodded, not wanting to draw any attention to them. If Rufus caught you talking to someone he made you share whatever it was with everyone else, and neither of them really wanted that.

“I don’t see why we have to talk about anything in this stupid fucking group. We all know it’s a joke,” Ruby continued, getting visibly more pissed off by the second.

“Calm down,” Rufus said in a level tone. “There’s no need to make a scene.”

“I’ll make a scene if I damn well please,” Ruby said. “I’m fed up with everything this fucking incompetent hospital tries to make us do. Oh, you hear voices? You wanna die? Here, go to some bullshit therapy sessions twice a day and play the flute a little. You’ll be better in no time. This might be a shock to you, Rufus, but _none_ of this works, alright? None of it. We’re all here because we have to be, and we fake getting better just so we can go home.”

Everyone was silent, now staring at Ruby. Several of the group members had their mouths open, some kept glancing from her to the floor, and others were just glaring at her like they could will her to stop talking.

“If you’ve got a problem with the way things are done around here, take it up with someone else,” Rufus said in warning. Dean had never heard him get so serious so quickly. “I’m sorry you’re hurting right now, Ruby. But just because you’re in pain doesn’t mean you get a free pass to make everyone else here uncomfortable and make offensive remarks, alright?”

“Will you fucking stop shrinking me?!” she screamed, standing up.

Dean didn’t easily get intimidated, but seeing Ruby completely lose her shit like that would definitely make him back into a corner if she turned her rage on him…which she really could at any moment.

Rufus looked at her with a bored expression, like he’d seen this kind of thing a thousand times. Respectively, he probably had.

“I get that you’re pissed, okay? Not everyone likes this program, but you know what? It’s the one you’re in, and we’re trying to make it work. So I think you should take a second, breathe, and sit back down,” Rufus said. “You don’t have to participate today if you don’t want to, Ruby, that’s up to you. Just don’t make what’s supposed to be a time to help everyone and make it feel like an unsafe and judgmental place. That’s not how things go around here.”

“You don’t even know anything about me, Rufus, so stop acting like you do. You don’t know I’m having a hard time, and you don’t know anything about what’s going on in my life. There’s a reason I don’t talk in here, and it’s you,” Ruby said indignantly.

“If you need to step into the hall for a minute, you can,” was Rufus’s only reply.

She glared at him, like she thought it was some sort of challenge.

“I’m done trying to play along around here. I’m getting out,” Ruby said before stomping out of the room and slamming the door behind her.

There was an extremely uncomfortable silence after that, but no one seemed to want to break it. Even Rufus just sighed and wrote something down on his notepad.

Dean looked over at Cas when he suddenly stood up, keeping still for a second like he was still considering whatever he was planning on doing.

“Castiel?” Rufus asked, curious.

“I’ll go talk to her,” Castiel said, seemingly already regretting the decision.

Rufus looked at him wearily, like he was unsure if he should let two patients leave in the same session. After what was only a short while of consideration, he nodded.

“Thanks. Maybe she just needs another patient to get through to her,” Rufus said, offering Cas a small smile.

“I’ll be back when she calms down; if she calms down,” Castiel said. He looked at Dean in a way that hopefully didn’t seem too affectionate or reassuring before he turned to leave the room. Dean stared back at him, pretty obviously questioning his sanity.

 

Cas expected he’d have to walk around for a while before he’d be able to find Ruby, so seeing her pacing across the hall was a bit of shock. He shook his head and took a deep breath, just staring at her while she hadn’t noticed him yet; too caught up in whatever extreme emotions were freaking her out.

Was he really doing this?

Looking at Ruby more closely though, he saw himself in a way. Castiel couldn’t even count how many times he’d wanted to explode in those group therapy sessions, and he knew he’d blown up a lot worse than that a little over a week ago when his mom came.

He knew she hated him, but for whatever reason he thought this could help bury the hatchet. Cas didn’t care too much about how she felt, but he understood feeling like there was no one left in the world more than most.

“Hey,” Castiel said plainly.

Ruby stopped her pacing and looked over at Cas, angry as hell.

“Well don’t let me stop you from your bitch walking,” Cas said calmly. He wasn’t going to put up with Ruby’s bullshit if she wasn’t willing to hear him out.

“Why are you here?” she growled at him.

“Because you’re freaking out,” Cas said, crossing the hall so he was closer to her.

“I don’t want your help,” Ruby said shortly, turning to walk away.

“You don’t get to do that,” Castiel said, grabbing her arm and turning her around to face him. She seemed so shocked she didn’t rip her arm away for a few seconds.

“And what exactly am I trying to do?” she asked venomously.

“Run away from your problems,” Cas said knowingly, crossing his arms. He didn’t want to do this, but he might as well make his argument convincing. “You basically told everyone in that room you’re terrified to get better, and you don’t have the strength to face whatever the hell is going on with you. You never talk in group; who knows what you say in your private therapy, or if it’s even true? If you ever say anything at all, it’s some snide comment about how much you hate something or someone.”

“And now you think you know me because you sat down and fucking psycho-analyzed me?” Ruby asked, narrowing her eyes at him.

“Kind of,” Castiel said with a shrug. “I know enough, anyway. You’re not nearly as smooth or intimidating as you think you are, and honestly I feel sorry for you. You single me out, I know you’re singling Dean out now too, and all because you need something to piss you off. Something to justify the fucking awful way you act.”

“Ever think that maybe I don’t like you because you’re you? “ Ruby challenged.

“Me, the sarcastic jerk? No, I don’t think that’s it. I think you need a target and you chose me because I’m easy for other people to understand you hate,” Cas said. “And I’m fine with being easily hated. I don’t care what other people think; you and I have that in common, you know.”

She looked at him doubtfully, raising an eyebrow for him to keep going.

“We both don’t give a shit what anyone thinks or has to say about us,” Castiel elaborated. “We’re both easily hated, and that’s fine with us. The only thing I’ve found that’s different between us is that I want to get better and you don’t. And it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I’m a better person than I’ve been in years.”

“You’re worried I don’t like myself or something? I don’t want to get better, Cas; nothing works for me,” she said.

“That used to be how it was with me,” Cas said. “Nothing worked on me for years, but this place did. You just have to want it bad enough, Ruby, and I know you do. That might not be what you let people see, but you want out of here just as much as everyone else. If you really just wanted to get out, you would have faked being better a long time ago. The reality of it is that you’re afraid no one’s going to be able to help you, but you won’t fucking _let them._ ”

Ruby looked at him with cold eyes, but didn’t say anything.

“I don’t know what the fuck your deal is, but did you ever think someone here might have the same problem? Might have gone through whatever’s happening to you? Yeah, you hate therapists, but if you bothered to take two seconds and try to make a friend here, they could probably help you more in 5 minutes than a shrink could in months,” Cas told her, hoping at least some of this made sense in Ruby’s twisted brain.

“Even if I wanted to,” Ruby started, and Cas knew he had her right where he wanted her. “I couldn’t. Not after spending my whole time here making it clear I don’t want anything to do with anyone.”

“Your pride matters that much to you?’ Castiel asked. He wasn’t surprised, but it amazed him how determined she was to keep up this act. “I guess I get it. You’re stubborn; like me.”

“Stop comparing us,” Ruby said with determination.

“I would try to be your friend, you know,” Castiel said, almost unable to believe those words were coming out of his mouth.

“And why the hell would you do that?” she asked incredulously.

“I don’t know. You could be a decent person underneath all that?” he asked with a small smirk, gesturing to her vaguely. “And because you might back off Dean and I if I help you.”

“So this is just to get me to stop messing with you guys?” Ruby replied.

“No, but that would be an added bonus,” Castiel said with a fake smile.

Ruby didn’t say anything and thought for what Castiel assumed she thought was a dramatic pause. He fought the urge to roll his eyes and gave her a pointed look instead.

“Fine. What does that mean we do?” Ruby conceded.

“We could start with you telling me what’s been bothering you lately,” Cas suggested, sitting down against the wall. He patted the empty space next to him so Ruby would do the same.

She didn’t even try to conceal her eye roll as she sat down reluctantly and pulled her knees in towards her chest. She sighed and glanced over at Castiel, like she was still deciding if this was okay.

“I don’t know, it’s just been hard lately,” Ruby said, trying to avoid the question.

“Can I ask you what you’ve been diagnosed with, or are we not at that stage of friendship yet?” Castiel asked, still not feeling like he could be serious with her. This all felt pretty weird.

“Histrionic personality disorder,” Ruby said, a little softer than she’d been speaking a minute ago.

Cas nodded. “I’m still a little shaky on what that means,” he said.

“It means a lot of things, but with me, I basically act out and have narcissistic asshole fits,” Ruby explained.

“Alright. So what’s it like when it gets bad for you?” Castiel asked.

“I feel out of control,” she confessed. It was clear that this took a lot for her to talk about, and Cas couldn’t help but feel a little amazed that he’d managed to get her to talk about it. “It’s like I don’t have a say in what I do or say, I just lose my shit. And there’s nothing I can do to stop it.”

“I doubt that,” Cas said. “You probably just haven’t found something that helps stop yourself.”

“Like what?” she asked.

“I don’t know, that’s up to you. Just find something to hold onto when you feel like you’re losing control; like your family, friends, even some music or a book you love,” Castiel suggested. Those were the things everyone was told at first when they had to find an anchor, and everyone had at least some. The only iffy factor was if they’d be enough to help when someone had an episode.

“Does that work for you?” Ruby inquired. It even seemed like she was genuinely curious.

“Yeah. Not at first, but now it does,” Cas said with a small smile. “I think about Dean and my brother; that helps me get ahold of myself.”

“I’ll have to think of some then,” Ruby nodded.

“Good, let me know if they help,” Castiel said, standing up. He tilted his head towards the group therapy room in question. “Want to go back in? Rufus might not tell anyone you left if you go back in more level-headed.”

“Might as well,” Ruby said. She stood up and followed Castiel to the door, which he held open for her.

She looked at him in slight surprise, but walked in nonetheless.

When they entered the room again, everyone stared in disbelief. Dean’s face was probably the most priceless, torn between being impressed and pure shock. Cas saw him tilt his head and move his eyes between the two of them, like he wasn’t sure they’d really resolved anything…which was understandable.

“How are you now, Ruby?” Rufus asked when he heard the door close behind them.

“Better, I guess,” she said, desperately trying not to seem like a pushover.

“Good. I’m glad you two were able to work things out,” Rufus said. “I don’t suppose this means that you’re gonna want to share anything with us now? We had a pretty good conversation going.”

“Not really,” Ruby said with a shrug.

Rufus nodded and wrote something down, seemingly impressed with how calm she was now compared to how she was when she left. “That’s fine,” he said. “You can sit down again if you want. We’ve only got a few minutes left of the session.”

They both headed back to their seats and Dean widened his eyes at Castiel in a way that made him huff out a small laugh just looking at it.

“It’s fine. She just needed someone to not call her a bitch every other second and try to care,” Cas explained. “She’s not the tough asshole she wants everyone to think she is.”

Dean gave a half smile and brushed their hands together again. “You’re a good guy, Cas,” he said.

Castiel fought a blush and opted for shaking his head in fond exasperation. “Whatever you say.”

A few minutes later the therapy session ended, and Dean and Cas stood up to leave when Rufus put his hand on Castiel’s shoulder.

“Thanks for that, Cas,” Rufus said. “I’ve been trying to get her to talk to someone for months now.”

“No problem, Rufus,” Castiel replied.

“And nice job today, Dean,” Rufus acknowledged, turning his attention to the other boy. “I think that’s the most I’ve ever heard you talk in here.”

“Thanks,” Dean said with a small smile.

Rufus waved as they both made their way out of the room and Dean stopped Cas in the hallway. “What the fuck did you say to her?” he asked.

“Not a whole lot. Just that she needs to stop pretending that she doesn’t care and put some effort into getting out,” Castiel said simply.

“And she actually listened to you?” Dean asked.

“Apparently,” Cas said. “I’m just as surprised as you. I thought there was no way she’d ever hear me out, but I guess she’s going through a really rough time.”

“Let’s hope she stops giving us shit then,” Dean said, hoping that Cas helping her would be enough to make her at least reconsider bitching at them.

“Let’s hope,” Castiel agreed. “I’ve got to go to private therapy with Crowley, but I’ll see you afterwards, okay? Lunch table, probably.”

“Sounds perfect,” Dean said. He looked around them before noticing there weren’t any orderlies around and kissed Castiel quickly.

“You’re ridiculous,” Cas said, a genuine smile forming on his face.

“And you have an amazing smile,” Dean retorted.

Castiel just waved his hand at Dean in a shooing motion before walking away. When he arrived at Crowley’s door there was a weird sense of anxiety settling in his stomach. He didn’t know what he was going to say, but he knew he’d have to explain himself. Crowley wasn’t the type to let anything go without talking it out, especially this. Now, he’d have to tell him pretty much everything he’d told Dean, and there was no way he was leaving this room without being in tears.

He had to take his own advice though, and power through the hard parts of recovery. Nothing was going to get better if he didn’t face this, and now he had to be ready, whether he liked it or not.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, I hope you guys liked it! Reviews are always awesome :)


	13. Hapless, but Living

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we go! :) Seeing all the amazing support every week is seriously the best and I want to hug all of you and watch movies with you because you're all so amazing <3 
> 
> Gettin' a little smutty oooh shit ;)

“Hello Castiel,” Crowley said when Castiel entered the room. He was at his desk going through a file that was probably his, when he stopped and put the papers back in the folder. “Go ahead and sit down, I’ll be right there.”

Cas sat down on the yellow couch, finding it more uncomfortable than usual. He gave up on trying to sit up straight and opted for lying down instead, putting his head on one of the armrests and draping an arm over his face.

“Someone doesn’t look too hot,” Crowley said. Cas could hear him walking closer and sitting down on that leather chair of his, crossing his legs like he habitually did throughout their sessions.

“I don’t feel too hot either,” Castiel retorted. He didn’t want to do this, but knew how childish it would sound if he said it out loud.

“Want to tell me why that is?” Crowley asked in his way of trying to let Castiel direct the conversation when they both knew where they were going to end up anyway.

“You know why,” Cas said plainly, still refusing to look at him. It was easier to stare at the blackness his arm provided over his face.

“We know how this game works, Cas. If there’s something else bothering you, you might as well mention it now before we get to what we’re supposed to be talking about,” Crowley offered. “And you might want to try looking at me, for starters.”

Castiel took his arm off of his face and looked over at Crowley with dead eyes. “Happy?”

“Not when you get all sassy with me,” Crowley said, raising an eyebrow at him.

“I know, I’m an ass. Sorry,” Castiel said, huffing out a breath.

“You’re not an ass; you’re just snappy today. Understandably so,” Crowley admitted, writing something down on his notepad.

“Something else kind of happened today, but I don’t think I’d call it bad,” Castiel said with a shrug, looking back up at the ceiling.

“Care to elaborate?” Crowley prompted.

“I talked to Ruby during group. She freaked out and ran out of the room, so I calmed her down…didn’t think I could do it, but I guess for some reason she listened to me,” Cas said.

“You don’t give yourself enough credit, Cas,” Crowley said. “I think more people look up to you than hate you here.”

“What makes you say that?” Castiel asked.

“Because you’ve been here a while. That might not seem like a lot, but you have some authority. Other patients look up to you; you know the ins and outs of the ward. It kind of sounds like a bad prison documentary, but it’s true. You were just the person Ruby needed to talk to today,” Crowley explained.

“She’s always hated me. I know it wasn’t a genuine hate or anything, but still. It was enough to make me think that she’d never want my help. She never wanted anyone else’s,” Castiel said.

“Ruby’s definitely had a rough go of things lately,” Crowley said. “I think she might have hit her rock bottom…and we all know that when you’re there, you’ll do anything and everything just for the sake of getting your head to stop spinning.”

“You’re transitioning,” Castiel pointed out, still not looking at Crowley.

“Pointing that out to me isn’t going to make me try to be more subtle next time,” Crowley countered. “Come on, you’re too smart for me to trick into a subject change. We need to talk about what happened that made you fall over the edge that night.”

“You know what happened,” Cas said. “I’m sure the hospital told you.”

“That doesn’t mean I know how it happened from your point of view. Walk me through it,” he said, sitting back in his chair. He placed the notepad on the side table so all of his attention was on Castiel.

“You mean business,” Cas said, glancing over at him.

“Just start with how you felt when your mum told you the news,” Crowley said.

“I didn’t believe her at first,” Castiel said, looking back at the ceiling. It was easier to tell it to the white wall where he could focus on the small cracks and indentations on the plaster than have to watch Crowley’s face change. It would undoubtedly be full of pity, and Cas had had more than enough pity in his life. “It seemed so impossible, even though he’d been on the verge of death for a few months. He was my brother, you know? He couldn’t die; that wasn’t how things went. Alfie was supposed to be there for me when I got out, and he was gonna be there for me the rest of my life just like I’d always be there for him.”

“It’s always impossible dealing with the death of someone you love,” Crowley said understandingly.

“Yeah…and I guess after it finally processed for me, I got really overwhelmed with guilt, sadness, and anger,” Cas continued. “I was just so pissed off that after everything I’ve been through my shit father was the one who took pretty much the only person I’ve loved my whole life and threw him away. There was so much we still had to do.”

“Like what?” Crowley asked.

“Like we always said we’d go to New York together. Stupid, I know, but it was something I always looked forward to. We made that deal when I was like nine, and ever since then whenever things got rough that would be something I thought about. One of these days I’d get away from it all with Alfie for a while and it would work out. We wanted to go skydiving and a bunch of other things…I wanted to tell him about Dean,” Castiel said quietly.

“He matters a lot to you; it makes sense,” Crowley commented. “What do you think he’d say about you two being together?”

“I think he’d say he was happy I finally found someone who makes me feel like I’m worth it,” Castiel said, feeling tears rise in his chest. “He’d probably have to sit Dean down and give him the big brother talk, and that’d be hilarious since he’s the least intimidating person I’ve ever met. He would tell me I deserve some happiness after all the shit I’ve been through.”

“And would you believe him?” Crowley asked curiously.

“I don’t know, maybe,” Castiel said. He hated admitting that he could see himself in a positive way; there was something about it that seemed so self-centered.

“What are you thinking so hard about?” Crowley asked, probably noticing the elongated silence from Cas.

“I’m starting to think that all on my own,” Cas said quietly. “And it’s weird.”

“Because you don’t get to think things like that about yourself,” Crowley stated more than asked. “Why do you feel like you have to put yourself down all the time?”

“It’s not like I’m a good person,” Castiel said with a shrug. It was obvious to him. “Feels wrong to say I deserve anything after the life I’ve had.”

“I get where you’re coming from,” Crowley said. “You were a pretty heavy drug user for a while; there’s bound to be some low self-esteem throughout your thoughts.”

“Low self-esteem has been pounded into me since I was eight years old,” Cas said, his voice filled with sadness. “But yeah, the coke didn’t help much.”

“Tell me more about the fact that you’re starting to feel better about yourself,” Crowley said, intrigued that Castiel was showing signs of getting better.

“It’s been slow, but I think it really hit me when I came back from the ER this morning. Chuck and Becky were really happy to see me; even Dean was happy after seeing me so often. It finally hit me that I matter more than I think…things would be awful for them if I hadn’t made it,” Cas said.

“Of course you matter, Cas. Chuck and Becky love you like a brother from what you’ve told me; you know what it’s like to lose someone that close to you,” Crowley said. “I’m sure they’re grateful they didn’t have to go through that, and that you’re starting to see the light. This is the best I’ve seen you.”

“Really?” Castiel asked, unsure.

“Really. After all this time, you’re getting better,” Crowley verified. “It’s really hard to like yourself. Much more difficult than a lot of people make it out to be, as I’m sure you know…we just have to find ways to let others in and see ourselves through their eyes once in a while. That’s when we get a real sense of belonging.”

“Ever since that night, things haven’t been that bad. I don’t wake up wishing I hadn’t anymore,” Castiel said with a small sense of wonder.

“It’s a good feeling, isn’t it?” Crowley asked with amusement.

“It’s great,” Cas said, letting out a small laugh.

“But I’m going to take a wild guess here and say the day you tried to kill yourself you thought you should just give it up. Everything, all your hard work,” Crowley said. He hated that they had to backtrack to more depressing events, but it needed to be done.

“Yeah. I guess I didn’t even want to deal with the possibility of getting better when it’s been so long since I’ve felt anything. Progress didn’t seem like it was anywhere near me, so I figured ‘what the hell?’ Why not just get it over with when I’m gonna do it anyway?” Castiel said cynically.

“You had plans to do it at some point?” Crowley asked.

“I was pretty damn sure it was how I was going to die. Whether it was in here, out in the real world, next week, or eight years from now, that’s always how I thought it was going to happen. One day I’d be too tired to try anymore, and then I’d be gone…make it so I wasn’t a problem anymore, I guess,” Castiel said.

“You think of yourself as a problem?”

“I don’t see why I shouldn’t. It’s because of me that Alfie died, and no one ever bothered to get to know the weird kid that had mental disorders in school. I’ve been on my own for most of my life, and I was okay with that, but it’s not really a way to live if that makes sense,” Cas replied.

“It makes perfect sense, and you’re right. Being alone all the time isn’t the best thing for some people, and from what I’ve seen you respond better when you have others around,” Crowley agreed.

“Doesn’t that make me grossly dependent or some shit though?” Castiel asked, confused. “If I need to rely on other people, I’m never gonna be happy. They’re unpredictable and there’s no guarantee they’ll always be there.”

“That’s true, but you have to put a little faith in everyone else at some point,” Crowley said. “As long as they do everything they can, that’s all you can ask for. I think you need to find a middle ground; you think if you’re alone that’s no way to live, but if you have other people around you, you think that makes you too dependent. I think we should start working on what a good compromise of those two is, and I think you’re well on your way. If you stick with having a few friends and a boyfriend, that’s a great balance for you. You can be alone when you need to, but you know that the strong bonds you have with the others will make everything between you long lasting.”

Cas sighed as he thought that over. It made sense. “You’re right,” he said. “I just wish it wasn’t so hard. I thought I’d be doing all of them a favor by killing myself.”

“And how would that be a favor to them?” Crowley asked.

“I let everyone down. Might as well not even try,” Castiel said in a monotone voice. “I couldn’t even look Dean in the eyes when he first came to visit me.”

Crowley remained silent, hoping that Cas would continue and fill the air himself.

“I was ashamed,” Cas said after a small period of no speaking. “I didn’t think I’d have to face what I did, but knowing he was right there made it so real.” He tried to hold back his tears, feeling them catch in his throat. “And what amazed me even more was the fact that he was there at all. Not a lot of people would show up after their boyfriend tried to hang himself…but he was holding my hand and saying how glad he was that I was okay. It was hard to hear.”

“So when you set out to attempt to take your own life, you didn’t think you’d have to deal with the consequences,” Crowley said. “Does responsibility like that scare you?”

“Responsibility in general scares the living shit out of me,” Castiel confessed. “Always has.”

“Do you think that has something to do with how we’ve discussed your feelings of worthlessness?” Crowley asked.

“Probably; hell if I know,” Cas said. “I didn’t think I could handle the responsibility of being alive anymore…that’s what it came down to. I didn’t want to look after myself, I didn’t think I was good enough to be with Dean, and I didn’t see myself getting out of here any time soon.”

“I’m hearing past tense over and over from you. Does that mean you’ve changed your way of thinking?” Crowley asked.

“Not really. I didn’t have a choice in being saved,” Castiel said.

“So based on everything that’s happened since that night, would you still rather not be here anymore?” Crowley asked.

Cas swallowed. “I’m so fucking confused,” he said. “I want to see if there’s a chance I can get better, but every time I think about what it means to be alive I get scared. I don’t think I can do it.”

“What about being alive scares you so much, Cas?” Crowley asked. “You’re always so adamant about thinking you can’t do what everyone else has learned to do to make it in the world.”

“Because I’m not everyone else,” Castiel said, a little sharply. “Everyone else spends their childhood at school. Making friends, making memories, graduating, all that shit. I’ve spent too much time locked up in these stupid fucking hospitals to know what the hell the real world is like. While everyone else has been preparing to be an adult and going out and experiencing things, I’ve been here or at home. If I ever get out of this place they’re just gonna dump me back at my house and I won’t know where to go from there. I’ll have to repeat god knows how much school or test to get my GED and then what? I’m not gonna be able to find a job or anything like that because that’s not how I’m wired.”

“How are you wired?” Crowley asked.

“Like a fucking lunatic,” Castiel answered. “I wouldn’t even know where to start.”

“A lot of people don’t just start living their lives perfectly, Cas,” Crowley assured him. “It takes time to find a job and a place to live and usually even longer to adjust to living a completely new lifestyle. Sure, things are going to be harder for you like you said, but you can handle it. We all get help throughout our lives, and it’s normal. I still have to ask my flatmate to check all the bills and make sure I did them right because god knows I make more than enough mistakes with money for the both of us. Life is being independent, but it’s also knowing when to accept help.”

“We’ve been over this, Crowley. I don’t know how to accept help,” Cas told him.

“Maybe that’s what we can start to work on in here,” Crowley suggested with a shrug. “If that’s something you’d be interested in.” 

“Sure. Might as well not put it off,” Cas said.

“That’s the spirit,” Crowley joked. “On a more positive note, I hear Dean got to visit you while you were up in the ER.”

“Yeah, he did,” Cas said, a minuscule smile appearing on his face.

“”How was that?’ Crowley asked.

“It was good. I really don’t deserve him though. He waited for me the whole time I was in there before he could come see me.”

“He really cares about you then,” Crowley commented.

“And what amazed me even more was the fact that he was there at all. Not a lot of people would show up after their boyfriend tried to hang himself…but he was holding my hand and saying how glad he was that I was okay. It was hard to hear,” Castiel said.

“Why would that be hard to hear?” Crowley asked.

“My nonexistent self-esteem won’t let me believe it,” Cas said bitterly. “When I saw his face for the first time I just thought of all the horrible things I’ve done that landed me there…and honestly I’m surprised I even made it this long.”

“You’ve definitely been lucky to make it here,” Crowley agreed. “And I think there was a reason for that.”

“You mean I was supposed to hit the ground so hard I got the breath knocked out of me?” Castiel asked skeptically. “I don’t believe in fate or destiny or any of that; as far as I see it, I got lucky when I didn’t deserve to.”

“I don’t believe in things like that either,” Crowley said nonchalantly. “I’m just saying that maybe you made yourself push through until now because somewhere inside you knew that you were worth fighting for. It’s easy to give up, Cas, and you’ve had plenty of chances to do that in the past 17 years of your life…but you didn’t. Now you’ve been given ‘a second chance’ if you will, and whether you asked for it or not I don’t think you should waste it. You aren’t a disappointment; is there anything I can say to get you to believe that?”

“No, but I’m trying to see it on my own. I’ll let people down just like I’m afraid I will by sticking around in their lives, Dean included. But when he came to see me every day something stuck with me,” Cas said. “It was like I realized that I could never be perfect; one way or another I’m gonna let him down every now and then and I should accept that. I should move on and let whatever happens happen.”

“Wise words,” Crowley said with a small smile. “You help people simply by being here, Cas, and I’m sure Dean is an example of that you can always think about.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Castiel said. He thought back to how Dean said he didn’t know he could do this without him and all those other times Dean put his faith in him. It wasn’t fair that he wasn’t willing to do the same. “I owe it to him to try harder.”

“If that’s the motivation you need to push you through the rough days, then by all means use it,” Crowley said. “As long as the recovery is still for _you_ , that’s all that matters.”

“It is,” Cas stated. “I think I’m just getting a clear head about everything now.”

“That’s a step in the right direction we can work with,” Crowley said.

Cas glanced over at the clock and groaned. “I don’t want to go through the rest of the day,” he complained when he saw their time was almost up.

“Why not? You get to see your friends and Dean,” Crowley said.

“Because it means I have to put on a brave face and go through the motions until it’s lights out. It’s gonna feel like years,” Castiel said.

“You get to have bad days, you know. Everyone does,” Crowley said with a shrug. “They’d understand, I’m sure; just tell them you’re still getting your land legs back.”

Castiel sat up and rubbed his forehead, staring up at Crowley a few moments later. “I guess I’ll have to let myself seem less indestructible at some point,” he said reluctantly.

“And today might be a great start to do just that,” Crowley said. He looked at his watch and clasped his hands together in a way he only did sometimes when the session was over. “But for now I’m afraid I have to kick you out.”

“You’re always so polite about it,” Castiel teased, standing up. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Crowley.”

“See you later, Cas,” Crowley said.

 

 

A few hours later, Dean pulled Castiel into their room before lights out.

“What the hell are you doing?” Cas questioned with a small laugh as Dean closed the door behind them.

“Can you blame me for wanting to get you alone?” Dean asked, grinning widely. “You’re finally back. It feels like it’s been forever.”

“Yeah, I know. Never thought I’d say I’m glad to be back here, but I am…you make me glad,” Castiel said.  “If it wasn’t for you who knows where I’d be right now?”

“We don’t have to think about that,” Dean said, not willing to accept the possibility of Cas not being around anymore. “Let’s just be like this.”

He wrapped his arms around Castiel’s neck and rested their foreheads together, enjoying the simplicity of being close that he never thought he’d find with someone.

“I haven’t gotten to do this all day,” Dean said, closing the small distance between them for a kiss.

Their lips melted together and Castiel wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist. Cas’s mouth was soft and warm and Dean felt safe with the other’s arms around him securely.

“Satisfied?” Castiel asked affectionately when they pulled apart for air, resting their foreheads together.

“A little,” Dean breathed, tangling his fingers in Castiel’s hair.

“Then you should keep going,” Cas said teasingly.

“Just kiss me again,” Dean said, pressing their lips together.

He felt Cas smile as he started to lead Dean towards his bed. The next thing Dean knew, there was a hand on his chest pushing him so he was lying down. He smiled and spread his legs as Castiel climbed between them, connecting their mouths again.

Just as Cas slipped his tongue inside Dean’s lips, he pulled Dean’s shirt up a little so his hands could run up and down his bare sides. Dean let out a small noise of content and hooked his arms around Cas’s neck again.

They spent a while just kissing and touching each other, trying to get a feel for what the other liked before Castiel hesitantly ground his hips against Dean’s. Dean hummed and bucked his hips up slowly, brushing their crotches together once more. Cas started rocking his pelvis in a steady rhythm in response, feeling them both grow harder with every movement.

Cas wasn’t sure how far Dean wanted to take this, especially since they hadn’t been together that long, but there were a few things he’d been wanting to try for a while. He knew that he was falling for Dean, and that scared him, but this right here was something he could do.

Castiel bit down on Dean’s lower lip as he pulled away, a smirk still on his face. Dean looked at him curiously, not able to form a clear thought with Cas looking at him like that.

“Tell me if you want me to stop,” Castiel whispered, kissing Dean’s jaw.

All Dean could bring himself to do was nod, moving his hands to Cas’s hair as he trailed kisses down his neck. Now the desire was almost too much to bear, and Cas needed to feel some skin on skin _now._ He tugged on the hem of Dean’s shirt and sat up, letting him take his shirt off. Castiel did the same, tossing his onto the floor next to Dean’s.

When he reached where Dean’s neck and shoulder met, sure any hickies there would be covered by a shirt, Cas grazed his teeth over the skin and started sucking on it. He bit down ever so slightly as he marked Dean’s neck, encouraged by the small noises coming out of his mouth.

When Cas was satisfied with the bruise already forming, he made his way down Dean’s torso, looking up at him every now and then through lidded eyes. He scraped his nails along Dean’s sides and placed a wet kiss just above the top of Dean’s pants. Cas looked up at him for permission before unbuttoning his pants and pulling them off.

“Cas,” Dean breathed, feeling himself start to shiver already.

“God, you’re beautiful,” Castiel whispered, half-smiling up at Dean before pulling his underwear down. He didn’t miss how Dean’s breath caught in his throat when the cold air of the room hit the heated skin of his dick.

Cas licked a stripe up Dean’s cock teasingly, circling his tongue around the head.

“Fuck. Cas, _please_ ,” Dean begged, his fingers tensing in Castiel’s black hair.

Cas gave him a devilish smirk and put his hands on Dean’s thighs, gently digging them into the skin as he took Dean in his mouth.

Dean moaned at the intoxicating mix of pleasure and a little bit of pain as soon as he felt Castiel’s lips close around him. He tried to keep it down a little for fear of being heard, and used his free hand to grip the sheets. Cas’s mouth was warm and wet and every kind of perfect; Dean could even feel his tongue working the underside of his cock as he moved his head slowly.

“Shit,” Dean hissed as Castiel started to bob his head a little faster, moving one of his hands to massage his balls.

Cas slowed down just to drive Dean crazy, moving his free hand over what wasn’t in his mouth. He pulled almost all the way off and sucked at the tip lightly before taking Dean all the way down to the base. He had to close his eyes and concentrate as he swallowed around Dean’s length, driven by how responsive he was.  

“Oh god,” Dean whimpered, bucking his hips up without really thinking about it.

Castiel moaned around Dean’s cock as he took all of it down again, sucking harder. He felt Dean tug on his hair in warning and kept going, looking up at him through his eyelashes…and damn, it was a sight to see.

Dean’s pupils were lust-blown and he was breathing heavily. His mouth was slightly open and the hand that wasn’t in Cas’s hair was gripping the sheets tightly.

Cas moved his head up practically all the way before he took Dean down completely and stayed there, swallowing and humming around his dick. The hand that was on Dean’s balls moved down and rubbed the sensitive skin just behind them, trying to force him that extra bit over the edge.

“Cas… _fuck_ ,” Dean moaned loudly as he came down Castiel’s throat.

Cas focused all of his attention on swallowing Dean’s hot release before slowly pulling off of him. He kissed the tip of Dean’s cock, not bothering to wipe his mouth before crawling up to kiss him passionately. Dean put his arms around Cas’s upper back, gripping his shoulder blades so their bodies were pressed together. When they separated enough to try to breathe normally again, Castiel chuckled.

“How was that?” he asked with a smile. He rested their foreheads together and nuzzled their noses.

“Fucking perfect,” Dean said, laughing back at him. Despite the faint taste of himself on Castiel’s tongue, he kissed him again briefly. It was like he couldn’t get enough of being near Cas like this. He moved a hand to rest in Castiel’s hair and smiled almost drunkenly. “You want some help with that?” he asked, his eyes glancing down at the bulge in Castiel’s pants that had somehow remained on.

“No, it’s fine. It’ll go away in a bit,” Castiel said, resting one of his hands on Dean’s torso as he ghosted his fingers in random patterns over his bare skin. “I want this to just be about you right now.”

“And yet _you’re_ the one who just came back from the ER…I don’t deserve you,” Dean joked.

“I’m one hell of a post-blow job cuddler though, no matter what end I’m on; so now you have to deal with that,” Cas said, rolling over so he was next to Dean. He reached over the side of the bed and picked up Dean’s boxers, throwing them at him.

“Thanks,” Dean said, cleaning himself off before sitting up.

When he walked over to his dresser to put on a new pair of underwear, Cas whistled.

“You realize this is the second time you’ve done that to me while I’m changing, right?” Dean asked, pulling the underwear up and sliding another shirt on to sleep in.

“I’m appreciating you,” Castiel said, pretending he was offended.  He sat up as he took his pants off and didn’t bother putting another shirt on.

Dean sighed in mock annoyance and got back in bed with Cas, looking at him carefully as he laid down on his side. Cas was on his back, but his head was turned towards Dean.

“You’re not so bad yourself,” Dean teased, kissing him and resting his hand on Cas’s scarred chest.

“Remind me to help you work on your pillow talk,” Castiel said.

“Mhmm,” Dean hummed in affirmation, closing his eyes. He was already getting tired, and didn’t know how much longer he could stay awake.

“Goodnight, Dean,” Cas said quietly.

“G’night Cas. Come here,” Dean said, motioning with his arm for Cas to turn on his side.

Castiel moved around so his back was to Dean’s chest and settled against him, letting Dean’s arm drape over his waist. He hadn’t done something like this in…ever, really. It was new and weird, but it felt good to know Dean wanted to be near him like this while they slept. He cared, and it felt nice to be held while he fell asleep. Reassuring and safe.

Soon the only thing that Cas could hear in the room was the sound of Dean’s steady breathing, which slowly lulled him to sleep. He didn’t have any nightmares that night; oddly enough, he even dreamed of Dean and himself being together outside of the ward. Something pleasant for a change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all liked it! Thanks for your feedback :D


	14. I'm Content to be Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 14 is a go :) 
> 
> Heads-up, there's probably some awkward phrasing, etc. because I wrote this chapter over a bunch of random rushed time periods so I'm going over it first thing in the morning and fixing things. I apologize in advance for any abominations you guys may find haha.
> 
> Enjoy!

Cas opened his eyes before the alarm clock went off with the surprisingly familiar feeling of Dean’s arms around him. He sighed happily and adjusted himself a little so his back was completely against Dean’s chest.

Ever since Dean started spending the night with him like this, he’d felt a little bit better every time the morning finally came. Now he didn’t regret bothering to get out of bed before the day started…he even welcomed it a little.

“Morning,” Dean murmured a short while later. Cas smiled when he felt Dean’s breath on the back of his neck, welcoming the warmth that inexplicably came from waking up next to someone he cared about.

“Morning,” Castiel said back in a gruff voice. He turned over so he was facing Dean and kissed him chastely.

“Not worried about my morning breath too much I take it?” Dean asked with a small laugh, wrapping his arms around Cas again so they could be more comfortable

“You’ll need a lot more than morning breath to scare me,” Cas replied. “Besides, I’ve smelled worse.”

“Thanks,” Dean said sarcastically, not sure if he should take that as a compliment or an insult.  “What time is it?”

“Early-ish. We’ve got about a half hour until breakfast,” Cas said, trailing a finger along Dean’s collar bone.

Dean hummed low in his throat and kissed Castiel on the forehead. “Alright, sounds good…I could get used to this,” he said.

“Used to what?” Castiel asked, just wanting to hear what it meant to Dean. It was nice knowing he wasn’t the only one who wanted this to last.

“Waking up next to you,” Dean said softly. And wow…that wasn’t what Cas was expecting. Maybe something about the two of them being together or close or something, but this was a little more serious. It was in the way he said it, like there wasn’t anything else Dean would rather spend the rest of his doing.

“Me too,” Cas said honestly. It was one of those terrifying things he’d been afraid to admit ever since Dean started spending the night with him in the hospital. He was getting more and more used to the idea of commitment, which was a place he never thought he’d be. “This is pretty much the only way I feel safe anymore.”

Dean didn’t speak for a second, taken aback by the fact that Cas was being so open with him now…on an almost regular basis even. Ever since Castiel tried to kill himself, he’d been more honest with Dean, and even though he hadn’t said anything, Dean knew that some of the things they said to each other were what they’d never let others hear. It was special. Meaningful.

“Me too,” Dean said softly. “Ever since my dad died, the only times I’ve ever felt safe or like everything made sense is when I’m with you.”

Dean had told Cas all about the accident and the chaos that followed him in his mind afterwards. His constant worry about Sam and his mom, the guilt he always felt weighing down on his shoulders…the whole lot of it. Some of it had been hard to talk about, and Cas had even had to comfort him through his tears a few times. That’s how they spent a fair bit of their time in the ER: comforting each other. Then again, it seemed okay to do there more so than anywhere else. Now they both knew more than anyone else about each other.

Of course, Cas had carefully avoided talking about certain parts of his life; mainly the drug addiction and the haze of random hook-ups that he went through when he was 15 and 16. It fucked him up pretty badly, and he wasn’t ready to bring it up. He was sure there were things Dean wasn’t talking about either, and that was fine. It’s not like they had to reveal all their secrets at once. If they came up, it’d be at a time they needed to get it out, which would be better for the both of them.

“Really?” Castiel asked. “No one’s ever said that to me before…and I’m not trying to sound like the helpless bitch searching for compliments. It really is nice to hear someone say that. For some reason with you I believe it.”

“Damn right you’d better believe it,” Dean teased. “I don’t what it is about you that makes you so different from everyone else, but it’s incredible… _you’re_ incredible.”

“Don’t underestimate yourself either,” Castiel said. “You’re an incredible guy too, Dean. Definitely different from everyone else.”

“What makes me so different?” Dean asked, curious. He ran his hand along Castiel’s spine and smiled, still amazed that he was allowed to do this. The guy that had intimidated the hell out of him a week ago was in his arms.

“I don’t know. Everything,” Cas shrugged. “It’s like no matter what you do, there’s something so pure about it. That sounds really weird to say out loud, but it’s true. Not in the you’re-so-innocent way either. When you say you’re sorry that I feel so badly all the time, I believe it. You mean everything you say with all your heart, and it’s of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen. I didn’t think someone could be that way with anyone, let alone everyone, like you are. It’s almost intoxicating, really. Even the little things, like how you blush when I say something that makes you uncomfortable.”

“I’m not that bad with that anymore,” Dean defended himself.

“Whatever you need to tell yourself,” Castiel joked. “But seriously. Even the way you say good morning and goodnight to me…it feels right, if that even makes sense.”

“I get what you mean,” Dean said. “Before this, the only time I had another person in my bed was if Sam got scared of a thunderstorm when he was like six.”

Cas looked at Dean in confusion. “So you’re a virgin?” he asked. “No fucking way.”

“Yes fucking way,” Dean said, feeling himself start to blush.

“And there’s that blush I was talking about,” Castiel said, unable to resist the small taunt. “But seriously, I can’t imagine someone like you…Mr. Popular, as far as I remember it…making it through almost four years of high school without getting laid. You’re hot as fuck and you probably have guys and girls everywhere tripping over each other to get your attention.”

“Uh, not exactly,” Dean said with a shrug. “I mean, if they were, I didn’t know about it. Not to mention the last few months of school before I came here were a living hell. I haven’t been the ‘popular jock’ for a while now…but even if I was, I still hadn’t ever gotten laid. I’ve only ever gotten a handjob before last night.”

“Only one handjob by the time you’re seventeen?” Castiel asked, figuring it was best to avoid the comment about life being awful before he came here.

That was usually how things went with patients here; they never discussed the last few months of their lives before they ended up here. They were filled with pain, loss, regret, or any combination of pretty much every emotion there was. It wasn’t like there were any good experiences that led to someone staying in the ward.

“I know,” Dean said, wincing in exaggerated embarrassment.

“Hm. Kinda nice though,” Castiel said. “Means I get to have you all for myself when it comes to everything else.”

“I don’t know if I should be scared or not,” Dean said.

“Very,” Cas said with as much of a straight face as he could manage.

“Well what about you? Are you a virgin?” Dean asked.

“Nope,” Cas told him plainly. “I’ve tried guys and girls a few times…preferred the men, if you can’t tell.”

“That’s definitely something I’ve got going for me,” Dean chuckled.

“Definitely. But I don’t want to talk about me being with other people...all that matters is us,” Casitel said, kissing Dean on the lips, letting himself get lost in how soft and pliant Dean’s mouth was.

“You’re right; just us,” Dean agreed, moving a strand of hair out of Castiel’s face affectionately. “And that’s kind of why I love spending the night with you and waking up to mornings like this. We don’t have to be around everyone else yet…the world just narrows itself down to the two of us.”

“Yeah, it does,” Castiel said softly, reaching behind him to take one of Dean’s hands and intertwine their fingers. “We can talk about everything and nothing, and nobody can tell us otherwise…we can be romantic and cheesy and not worry about anyone else judging us or ratting us out.”

“You don’t worry about anyone judging us in the first place,” Dean pointed out, somewhat jealously. He’d never been able to get past what others might think of him.

“No, but I know you do. And I’m still worried about someone ratting us out,” Cas confessed. “I hate admitting I’m worried about anything, but it’s true. So many people know, and I’m terrified that one day I’m gonna wake up and have this taken away from me.”

Dean looked at Cas sympathetically and kissed him on the forehead. “No one’s gonna find out about us…no one that knows would rat us out. Chuck and Becky wouldn’t dream of separating us, Charlie, Crowley, and Gabe are hospital staff who think this is gonna help the both of us, and now you’re getting along more with Ruby. Honestly she was the only one who had me scared that she could tell someone, but now as long as no one else finds out I’d say we’re in the clear,” he told him.

“As long as you don’t think I’m being a paranoid freak about it,” Castiel said.

“No, you’re not being a paranoid freak,” Dean assured him. “If anything, I think it’s nice that you’re worried...that means you take this as seriously as I do. I wouldn’t let anything tear us apart, especially not some fucked up hospital system.”

“I know you wouldn’t. You’re brave, Dean Winchester,” Castiel gave a small smile as he kissed him on the lips. “It’s part of the reason I think I’m falling for you.” He quickly closed his mouth and avoided Dean’s gaze, terrified he might have said that too soon. Cas wasn’t sure how things in relationships were supposed to work or move forward, but he was pretty positive that saying that this soon wasn’t the best idea. He hadn’t intended for it to slip out, but now it was there. “Shit, I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t be,” Dean said softly. He reached his hand to tilt Castiel’s face up towards his own so they could look each other in the eye again. He dropped his voice to a low whisper when he continued, “I’m falling for you too.”

Cas looked at him speechlessly for a moment. “I’ve never thought of myself as someone worth loving.”

“Well I for one can’t think of anyone else more worthy of love in the world than you,” Dean said, squeezing their hands that were still linked together. “And I can’t even tell you how happy I am that I get to be the one to give you that love.”

It might not have been an outright ‘I love you’, but the promise was there. It would come soon enough, and that’s all Cas cared about. There was a brilliant light in his life that actually felt like they were falling for him.

“And there’s no one else I’d rather feel so much love and acceptance from…you’ve always accepted me completely for who I am, and I don’t know how to thank you for that. It’s the first time being myself hasn’t blown up in my face,” Castiel said with a self-loathing smile.  
  
“Being yourself around me is all I ask of you,” Dean murmured fondly, kissing him.

Castiel didn’t know how he was supposed to respond to that, so instead he kissed Dean back passionately, trying to say what he couldn’t even form the words for. Their lips fit together perfectly, and Cas gently bit down on Dean’s lower lip before sliding his tongue inside his mouth. Dean made a small noise in content and let Cas move them so the black haired boy was hovering over him.

Dean wrapped his arms around Castiel’s neck and tangled his fingers in his hair as their tongues moved together lazily. Cas rested one hand on Dean’s chest and the other on the side of his neck, eventually pulling away from Dean’s mouth and kissing his jawline.

Castiel had barely moved back to Dean’s lips when the alarm clock went off.

Cas groaned and rolled off of Dean, curling back against him when he hit the mattress. “I just want to stay here all day,” he muttered into Dean’s shoulder.

“Me too,” Dean agreed. He reached over Castiel and turned off the alarm clock before it started to piss him off with its insistent ringing like it had a while ago when he first got to the ward. “But we’ve got to get up.”

“No we don’t,” Cas grumbled, digging his nails into Dean’s side.

“I think I’m starting to figure out that you hate having to get out of bed in the morning,” Dean chuckled. “Just a guess, but you know…you’re giving me some hints.”

“You can’t blame me when I’ve got a boyfriend to keep me warm here all day rather than do activities like group or art,” Castiel said, turning so his lips were just barely brushing against Dean’s throat as he spoke.

“That’s true,” Dean smiled. “But if we’re too late to breakfast someone might try to find us here.”

“Mm, you’re right,” Cas agreed reluctantly. He rolled out of bed and stood up, shaking his head when the room spun a little. “Too fast,” he commented.

He walked over to his dresser and pulled out a new pair of pants and a shirt, listening as Dean got up behind him.

“It’s nice being back to a routine…of a certain degree, anyway,” Castiel said as he put on his pants.

“You like the idea of a routine?” Dean asked as he tugged a new shirt on over his head. He didn’t have Cas pegged for the type that liked to do the same thing every day. He cherished the small differences in his schedule every day.

“Yeah. I guess you could say I’m kind of domestic like that,” Cas shrugged, putting on a Metallica shirt and hoodie. “Nothing too boring like the same thing day in and out, but getting ready and going to breakfast at the same time is nice. Structured.”

“Structure’s definitely good. I don’t know if I’d call it that for me though,” Dean said, putting on a new pair of pants.

“That’s a good thing,” Castiel said. He walked over to Dean and kissed him, resting his hands on his chest. He loosely gripped the fabric of Dean’s shirt and smiled at him when he pulled away. “Come on, let’s get some food.”

“Alright, I’m starving,” Dean agreed. He kissed Cas on the nose and turned to walk towards the door.

Cas gave him a playful mean glare before following him and letting Dean hold the door open for him. “Always such a gentleman,” he chuckled as he walked out.

They both went to get their meds before making their way to the dining hall. From the sound of it, breakfast was already well under way.

Dean and Cas got their food, and Balthazar acknowledged them both with a smile and wave.

They sat down with Chuck, Becky, and Andy and greeted them.

“How is it that you guys are always here before us?” Castiel asked with mock suspicion.

“Some of us don’t need extra time to make out in the morning before eating,” Becky teased, giving them both a pointed look.

“Well maybe some of us should,” Castiel shot back, giving her and Chuck the same look.

Andy laughed looked between Chuck and Becky, a little confused. “You guys aren’t already a thing?” he asked. “I thought you were dating the day after Becky got here.”

Chuck turned bright red and looked to the side, not wanting to look anyone in the eyes. “Oh my god,” he groaned, sinking lower in his seat.

“Literally everyone knows you guys are into each other…just be a couple already,” Cas said like it was the easiest thing in the world.

“Um…that’s gonna be a little hard now,” Chuck said, side-glancing at Becky. He nudged her with his elbow and flicked his eyes from her to everyone else, encouraging her to say something.

“What’s going on?” Dean asked, not sure if he should be worried or not.

“I’m getting out at the end of the week!” Becky said excitedly.

“Wait, what?” Dean asked, smiling.

“Did I really just hear that?” Castiel asked in disbelief.

“Really?’ Andy asked, a look of wonder in his eyes.

“Yep,” Becky said proudly. “My therapist and Dr. Bradbury think I’m well enough to go home now.”

“That’s awesome,” Cas said supportively, unable to keep the small hint of jealousy from coming into his voice.

“Yeah, good for you Becky,” Dean smiled.

“I’m so happy for you,” Andy said, probably the most enthusiastic he’d ever sounded.

Chuck smiled at her, seemingly fighting the urge to put his arm around her. Evidently, Becky had told Chuck first, and he looked at her with a mixture of excitement and sadness behind his eyes.

“Thanks guys. I don’t know, it’s bittersweet,” Becky said, some sadness lacing her voice as well. “I’ve been homesick for a long time, but I’ll miss everyone here.”

“As long as you come back to visit,” Chuck said, smiling affectionately at her.

“You know I will,” she replied, resting a hand on Chuck’s shoulder briefly before an orderly could see. “They already gave me the speech about discouraging me to stay in contact with the people I met here, but that’s not gonna happen. I love you guys way too much to let that stop me.”

“What speech?” Dean asked.

“You’re not supposed to talk to the people you meet here after you get out,” Chuck explained. “It ‘hinders your recovery’ or something. They think if you stay attached to people you were close to while you were getting better, it’ll make you revert back to the state you were in when you met them.”

“It’s bullshit,” Castiel interjected firmly. “I mean, I get what they’re saying, but ninety percent of the time in my experience, it helps people more than holds them back to talk to their friends, regardless of how they met.”

“Pretty much,” Chuck agreed. “They can’t actually enforce it or anything, but they always recommend it. We’re not gonna have to worry about Becky though; she’d never leave us behind for the rest of the world.”

“Not a chance,” Becky chimed in happily. “You guys are way more interesting than the rest of the world.”

Dean smiled and took a bite of his pancake, amazed that this was happening. He was jealous, he wouldn’t deny it, but Becky deserved to be out.

“I hope this isn’t too personal, but how long have you been here?” Dean asked.

“Don’t worry about it,” Becky said, waving her hand at Dean to show it wasn’t worth any concern. “I’ve been here a month and a half.”

Dean nodded, internally trying to think about how possible it’d be for him to only be here that long as well. When he side glanced at Cas though, he was reminded that he might not want to leave that soon. When the time came that he was allowed to leave, he wanted to go with Cas…however inconceivable that was.

“Then it must be really amazing to get to go home,” Dean smiled.

“It is,” Becky said, looking over at Chuck again. “But just because I’m leaving doesn’t mean I won’t wait for you, Chuck. With the way things are going for you lately, you’ll be out in no time.”

Chuck grinned shyly at her and shrugged. “Then…can I just ask you ahead of time if you want to go on a date with me the night I get out?” he asked quietly.

“Of course,” Becky said without hesitation.

“Finally,” Cas said, raising his arms above his head before slamming them down on the table. “I thought I was gonna have to lock you two in a supply closet somewhere before this happened.”

“Luckily for you, you won’t have to,” Becky stated.

“You guys are cute together,” Andy said softly, taking a bite of his food.

They spent the rest of breakfast talking about random things like bands and music they all liked.

“Speaking of bands, when’s your free hour, Dean?” Castiel asked, turning his attention to his boyfriend.

“Uh, two hours after group,” Dean said after thinking about it for a second.

“Good. Come to my music class,” Cas said.

“But I can’t play an instrument,” Dean countered, getting lost.

“Then I’ll teach you. Do you sing? You seem like the type,” Castiel said. 

“A little. I wouldn’t say I’m good or anything though,” Dean said with a shrug.

“I’ll be the judge of that,” Castiel said proudly, taking a bite of his food.

Shortly after that, breakfast was over and they were off to group.

 

 

When it was Dean’s free hour he left his previous class of theater, which apparently was a new addition to the ward, and tried to remember where the class he’d seen Cas play in was.

After semi-creepily looking in through various windows in the hall, Dean found where he was looking for. Cas was already sitting down in the back of the room with a guitar in his lap, strumming something he couldn’t hear.

Dean walked inside and saw Gabe at the front of the room.

“Dean-o!” Gabe greeted him happily as he made his way over to him. “Good to see ya, man. Cas told me you might be coming again.”

“Yeah, apparently he wants to try to teach me guitar,” Dean said, rubbing the back of his neck self-consciously.

“Well if anyone can do it, it’s him. He’s the best player I’ve ever had in here, hands down,” Gabe said, giving Dean a pat on the back before cocking his head towards where Cas was. “He’s right over there if you haven’t managed to track him down yet.”

“Thanks,” Dean said. He weaved through the various people that were practicing on the floor of the room before he reached Castiel. “Hey.”

“Hey, you came,” Cas said, a small smile coming over his face absentmindedly when he saw Dean.

“What are you talking about? Of course I came,” Dean said, sitting down across from him. “Can’t go standing you up now, can I?”

“So this is a date?” Castiel asked with a mischievous raise of his eyebrow.

“If you want it to be,” Dean said. “But I can’t promise you I’m gonna be good at this.”

“I don’t care about that,” Cas said. He took the guitar out of his lap and handed it to Dean before moving to settle himself behind him.

“What are you doing?” Dean asked, looking around the room. He was worried someone might see them and get the wrong idea…or the right idea and tell the wrong people.

“Relax, I’m not gonna start kissing your neck or anything,” Castiel said with a small roll of his eyes as he sat on his knees behind Dean. “I’m just teaching you how to play. That’s all anyone else is gonna think too.”

“Okay,” Dean said, unsure of what else he could argue with. Cas had a point.

“Good. We’ll start with the G chord; probably as basic as you can get,” Castiel said. “Put your fingers like this.” He reached around and moved Dean’s fingers to the proper strings and frets, laughing when his ring finger refused to go on the bottom string. “Oh my god, just make your fucking finger stay,” he chuckled.

“I’m trying,” Dean said in frustration, hearing that it only made Cas laugh harder.

“There,” Castiel said, making Dean’s finger stay where it was supposed to. Dean definitely didn’t have any sort of natural talent for this. “Now just strum all of the strings.”

Dean strummed and looked slightly taken aback when it made a decent sound.

“See? You’re getting the hang of it,” Castiel said. “Now let’s move on to the C chord. Trust me, it’s just as easy.” He put Dean’s fingers in their proper places and let go. “Now play everything but the lowest string.”

Dean did as he said and smirked when it didn’t sound half-bad.

“Good. Now try switching from C to G,” Castiel said.

Dean groaned as it took him a good thirty seconds to change chords correctly before he could strum again. “I hate you,” he joked.

“I know,” Cas teased back.

When Cas was in the middle of teaching Dean the E chord, a loud shout from outside the door caught everyone’s attention.

“What the hell was that?” Dean asked, concerned.

“No idea,” Castiel murmured, staring at the window on the door.

A guard rushed past their room, and Cas and Dean got up to follow Gabe and see what was going on. Gabe opened the door and stepped out to see if he could help while Dean, Cas, and a few other members of the music group gathered to see what all the fuss was about.

There was a male guard getting off the floor, holding his bleeding cheek while two other guards were picking up Lucifer and taking him down the hallway. Lucifer was screaming and fighting against the guards with everything he had, his movements almost animal-like.

“Shit, Lucifer,” Castiel muttered under his breath sympathetically as they watched him get taken away. “I thought you were getting better.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! Your encouragement is seriously amazing, so please keep it up :) 
> 
>  
> 
> This story isn't very close to being over, but I have a question for everyone: how many of you would want/be okay with me making the last chapter (or more, I don't know yet) about their lives after they both get out of the ward? I just think it'd have more closure and be interesting :) Let me know <3


	15. Hopeful Visit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 15! Thank you guys so much for your comments last week; I'm definitely gonna make the last chapter be about them outside of the ward :) Hopefully that won't be for too long, but for now, enjoy this chapter! :)

“I thought he was getting better too,” Dean said quietly, watching in slight amazement and disbelief as Lucifer was carried out of sight.

It was all so strange, but Dean knew it wasn’t like it was unheard of for patients to have random lapses and bad days. The thing that really stuck out to him was how a while ago Lucifer had seemed so confident in overcoming the voices he always heard, and now this. He hadn’t had an episode in a while, but that might have been why this one was so awful.

“You never know for sure, I guess,” Cas said with a shrug.

Dean sighed and shook his head, watching as Gabe gave the orderly who’d been attacked a towel to clean off his face. It was eerily quiet after Lucifer wasn’t around anymore; there were hushed murmurs among the hospital employees that sounded like the words themselves were covered in a thick fog.

Other than that, everything was completely silent. Several patients who were roaming the halls had stopped and watched the whole thing happen, speechless. Dean got the feeling that something like this rarely happened, and he couldn’t stop himself from asking.

“Does this happen that often?” Dean asked.

“No. I’ve never seen someone attack an orderly before…that’s pretty serious. He’ll be in solitary for a while,” Cas said. “I don’t know how he’s gonna take this when he realizes what he did.”

“What, like he has a guilty conscience?” Dean asked, curious.

“Yeah, an extremely guilty one,” Cas verified. “It doesn’t matter what it is, killing a bug or accidentally kicking someone’s leg under a table…he feels terrible about it, even if he doesn’t let on a lot of the time. Anything he does when he’s under stress from the voices he has a lot of trouble remembering, but if he does, it usually tears him up inside. Something like this…I don’t know how he’d get past hurting an orderly.”

“So he’s sensitive,” Dean said, feeling a sense of sympathy for Lucifer.

“He got dealt a shit hand, that’s for sure,” Castiel stated. “The fact that he’s still standing after everything he’s been through is pretty incredible.”

“Yeah, it really is,” Dean agreed. “He’s probably the strongest person here.”

“There’s no ‘probably’ about it,” Castiel said. He looked up and down the hall again before seeing that Gabe was headed back to the room. “Come on, let’s go back in.”

Dean followed Cas back inside and cleared his throat when he saw the patients that had stayed inside looking at them both in anticipation.

“Nothing to talk about. I’m sure you’ll all hear about it soon enough,” Cas said, walking back to his and Dean’s place at the back of the room.

 

 

A few days later, Dean was surprised when a nurse approached him during lunch.

“Dean Winchester?” she asked.

“Yeah,” Dean stated somewhat dully, almost sure that every ward employee knew who he was by now, whether they said so or not.

“During your free hour after lunch, you have a visitor to go see,” she said. “You can come find me and I’ll take you to him.”

“Who is it?” Dean asked, not expecting anyone.

“His name’s Ash?” the nurse questioned like she hoped the name would ring a bell.

“Oh,” Dean said, slightly taken aback. He hadn’t thought Ash would show up at all. After shaking his head a little so snap himself out of his momentary reverie, he responded. “Okay, yeah. I’ll find you…thanks.”

“No problem,” she said before walking away to leave them to talk amongst themselves.

“Ash?” Becky asked, taking a bite of her sandwich.

“My best friend. I’ve known him practically since I was born…honestly, I didn’t think he’d ever show up,” Dean told them.

“Why not?” Chuck asked, furrowing his brows as he took a sip of his water. “If he’s your best friend he should want to come see you.”

“I guess that’s what I was afraid of,” Dean said. “If there’s anything that helps you find out who your real friends are, this is it. I don’t have a lot of self-esteem; it’s nice to know Ash wants to see me.”

“He’d be insane if he didn’t,” Cas said, giving Dean a small smile. He waited a beat before asking, hopefully not as self-consciously as he felt, “I don’t have anything to worry about with him, do I?”

“Castiel Novak, I do believe I detect a note of jealousy in your question,” Chuck said in a borderline sing-song voice from across the table. He had a smirk on his face as he looked between Dean and Cas, amused.

“Shut the fuck up,” Cas snapped, abruptly stabbing his salad with his fork. “I’m not jealous.”

Everyone at the table laughed and Cas tried to look annoyed at them all, knowing full well that they’d be able to see through him.

“I think it’s nice,” Dean said in an attempt to make Cas feel better. “I’ve never had someone get jealous with me before.” He’d never considered himself worthy of being cared about; no one showed him that they were invested enough to get jealous in the past.

“That’s not answering my question,” Castiel said, refusing to give up the matter. He knew it was ridiculous to worry and that Dean would never cheat on him, but it never hurt to make sure.

“No, you have absolutely nothing to worry about with him,” Dean said confidently, almost making the mistake of leaning in and kissing him on the cheek. He didn’t think it could ever be this agonizing not to touch someone, even in the smallest of reassuring ways. “Like I said, I’ve known him since we were kids…and no offense to him, but he’s really not my type. Mullet, plaid shirts, that kind of thing.”

“Mullets are still a thing?” Becky asked, making a face.

“To Ash they are. No matter how many times I beg him to cut the damn thing, he won’t do it. Now it’s just part of him, I guess,” Dean said with a shrug, eating his food.

“Well good for him then,” Becky commented, taking a sip of her soda.

After they all finished their food, they left the cafeteria and went to their respective rooms.

Before Dean could walk away to find the nurse that had come up to him during lunch, Cas grabbed his arm to keep him back.

“I’m sorry I got all…weird and jealous back there,” Cas said, not quite sure if he should be apologizing for it. He didn’t know if it was normal to get jealous or possessive, but he didn’t want Dean to be with anyone else…it almost scared him to think about it. “I promise I won’t be like that again. I don’t want you to think I’m some obsessive freak.”

“I know you’re not,” Dean assured him. “And you don’t have to apologize for that. You feel how you feel, and if someone I didn’t know was coming to see you, I might get jealous too.”

“Really?” Castiel asked.

“Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t wanna lose you to anyone,” Dean said. “You matter to me.”

“You matter to me too,” Cas said, letting his arm brush against Dean’s skin as he dropped his hand from his forearm. “Now go see him; you’ve made him wait long enough.”

“Okay, I’ll find you at dinner,” Dean said, walking down the hall to try to find the nurse from the lunch room.

“Bye,” Castiel called to him as he turned and went to his music lesson.

Dean found Charlie in less than a minute and smiled at her. “Hey Charlie,” he said.

“Dean,” Charlie greeted him happily. “You looking for someone to take you to see Ash?”

“Yeah,” Dean said, trying not to seem too overeager. It felt like it’d been years since he’d seen his best friend.

“Come on, I’ll take you,” Charlie said, motioning for Dean to follow her.

When they got to the visiting rooms, she held open the door for Dean and smiled. “Son of a bitch,” he greeted fondly when he saw the familiar face.

“Dean,” Ash said excitedly, running over to Dean and hugging him tightly. When they pulled apart, Ash looked at him closely. “ _Man_ , it’s good to see you.”

“You too,” Dean said, having to fight back tears. God, why the hell did he want to cry so much lately? “I was afraid you might not come.”

“Why wouldn’t I come? My best friend’s in the hospital, what kind of jackass do you think I am?” Ash asked teasingly as he sat down in a chair across from Dean.

“I’m just glad you’re here. I needed to see someone besides Sammy…someone to tell me about all the shit I’ve missed so far,” Dean said, lightening the mood. He didn’t want things to get serious while Ash was here; he wanted a distraction.

“Well school’s pretty much the same; nothing too weird there,” Ash said. “A lot of people keep asking me about you, actually.”

“Really? Like who?” Dean asked. He didn’t think anyone would care that he hadn’t shown up to school lately; or notice at all for that matter.

“Michael does it the most, believe it or not,” Ash said nonchalantly as he leaned back in his chair. He threaded his fingers together and put them behind his head, resting against them. “Go figure.”

“I thought Michael never wanted to talk to me again,” Dean murmured, not sure if he was addressing Ash or not.

“I don’t know if I’d say he wanted to talk to you, but I can tell he’s worried,” Ash told him.

“What do you tell him?” Dean asked.

“That you’re sick. I don’t know what else people would believe,” Ash said, hoping that was okay enough. “Everyone buys it except Michael…I’d almost say he misses you.”

“But he was the one who flipped out on me in the first place,” Dean said.

“Yeah, I know. I think he’s starting to realize that something was up with you when he did that and he feels badly,” Ash said.

“That doesn’t mean I’ll ever forgive him,” Dean said sharply. He hated thinking about Michael and what he did; it infuriated him.

“You shouldn’t, dude,” Ash said, holding his hands up to show he wasn’t trying to start anything. “What he did was shitty.”

Dean rolled his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to stop himself from freaking out. He could feel his temper getting out of hand, and he knew having a panic attack wasn’t going to solve anything.

“I don’t wanna talk about Michael,” Dean said firmly before shaking his head and changing the subject. “How are you? Not falling apart without me yet, I hope.” He gave something resembling a smile.

“I’m alright; miss the hell outta you though,” Ash said. “You know how many partner projects I’ve gotten stuck with that annoying asshole Danny on? Too many.”

“Danny? That sucks,” Dean said, forcing a laugh. He didn’t want to know he was missing projects; they’d be hard enough to face when he got out without knowing how much he’d already fallen behind on. “At least he’s smart. I bet you aced all of them.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s an upside,” Ash said. “And we’ve only had two projects, but you know my work ethic. One is enough for all of high school if you ask me. I’ll never remember who the hell was in World War II next month anyway.”

“That’s true,” Dean said, fondly remembering their horrible procrastination on every project they had to do together. “God, I never thought I’d say I miss going to school.”

“You do?” Ash asked, unable to imagine someone wanting to go to school as opposed to anything else.

“Yeah. I don’t really want to leave just yet, but I’d rather do homework than be stuck in therapy twice a day,” Dean said.

“Twice a day? That sounds pretty brutal,” Ash said.

“It can be. I feel like eventually I’m gonna run out of things to say, you know?” Dean told him.

“Totally,” Ash agreed. “Make any friends so things are more tolerable yet?”

“Yeah, a few,” Dean said. “They’ve been great.” He stopped himself from adding that he was even in a relationship, but Ash must have noticed that he looked like he wanted to say something.

“…And?” Ash prompted.

“And, um…I met someone,” Dean said awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck. “We’re actually dating now, under the radar.”

“Really?” Ash asked, leaning forward to encouragingly pat Dean on the knee. “Nice going Dean, you deserve someone special. What’s she like?”

“Um,” Dean said quietly, letting out a small cough. He looked around the room before settling back on look at Ash. Might as well tell him now. “He’s great.”

Ash’s eyes widened and he stared at Dean for a second, trying to make sure he heard him right. “He?” he asked.

Dean nodded silently, not sure what Ash’s reaction meant.

“Oh,” Ash said. “I mean, not a bad ‘oh’, just…I didn’t know.”

“Don’t blame yourself or anything,” Dean said. “I didn’t want you to know I was gay for a while. The only person who knew was Sam, and that’s just because he’s Sam; I never told him.”

“You know it’s okay with me, right?” Ash asked, wanting to make sure. “I’d never judge you.”

“I know you wouldn’t,” Dean smiled. “I just thought you should know.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Ash said, grinning at him. “Part of me thought you were, I guess…but this is good, now we’re totally open with each other. How is _he_ then?”

“He’s fantastic,” Dean said, a genuine smile coming over his face. He couldn’t help but feel ecstatic when he thought about Cas. “I really like him…he’s the first person to really get through to me other than you. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to care about me like he does.”

“He sounds really cool,” Ash said supportively. “What’s his name?”

“Cas,” Dean said. “He went to our school back at the beginning of the year.”

“Oh yeah, I think I remember him. Novak, right?” Ash asked, a look of recognition slowly coming across his face.

“That’s him,” Dean said.

“He seemed like a cool guy,” Ash said. “Tell him I say hey. I never got the chance to talk to him, but you know…any guy who’s dating my best friend is fine with me.”

“I will,” Dean told him. After a short while of not saying anything, he told Ash, “I seriously can’t tell you how much it means that you showed up.”

“You’d better get used to it, ‘cause I’m gonna come back all the time to see you,” Ash said. “This is the most fun I’ve had since you haven’t been back to school.”

“Your social life must be lacking even more than usual,” Dean chuckled.

“Pretty much. I haven’t gone to any parties lately; I basically just sit at home marathoning shows on Netflix,” Ash told him with a laugh.

“Save some shows for me. I’m bored to death without being able to watch anything decent here,” Dean said good-naturedly. “All they have on is cartoon network on mute in one of the main rooms.”

“That’s rough,” Ash said in exaggerated sympathy.

Dean smiled and shrugged. “As long as you come back every now and then I think I can make it,” he said.

“No problem,” Ash said.

Charlie walked into the room with a slightly regretful look on her face. “Sorry to break this up guys, but Dean has to get back to his next activity,” she said before leaving the room to give them a last goodbye.

“It feels like you’ve only been here for a few minutes,” Dean groaned, standing up.

“Maybe I can come back after all your stuff for the day and they’ll let me stay longer,” Ash suggested, standing up too.

“Worth a shot,” Dean said, hugging him. “Good to see you, Ash.”

“You too, Dean,” Ash said, smiling at him when they pulled apart.

They walked out of the room and waved at each other as they went their separate ways.

 

 

Dean walked out the door of his art class and was surprised to literally slam into Cas without realizing he was standing there.

“Jesus,” Dean said in surprise, looking up and smiling when he noticed who it was. “Hey Cas…what are you doing here?”

“You don’t sound glad to see me,” Cas said jokingly, moving to the side so he and Dean could lean against the wall and talk.

“I’m always glad to see you,” Dean said, inconspicuously brushing their hands against each other. “Are we going to dinner?”

“Not yet; I’ve got something to show you,” Cas said, a full blown grin forming on his face.

“What’s going on?” Dean asked suspiciously. He found himself smiling too out of curiosity.

“Just shut up and come with me,” Cas said, gesturing for Dean to follow him down the hall.

Dean quickly sped up so he could be next to Cas as they worked their way through the numerous hallways.

“What the hell is so exciting?” Dean laughed as he tried to keep up with Castiel’s fast pace.

“I’m enthusiastic, give me a break,” Castiel said, before finally stopping in front of a door.

After Dean looked at it for a moment, he realized where they were. It was the place with the glass walls and roof, where he’d been with the others before.

“Look at this,” Cas said, opening the door.

When the door flew open, Dean smiled. It was snowing outside.

“Oh my god,” Dean said in disbelief, walking inside and touching the glass, feeling like he was seven years old again. There was an orderly in the corner of the room, but he was reading a magazine, not paying them much mind. “It’s already snowing?”

“I guess. First snowfall of the year,” Castiel said, walking up next to him and looking at all the white outside in wonder.

“You really like snow, don’t you?” Dean asked, stealing a glance at his boyfriend.

It was insane seeing Cas look so young and full of amazement as he watched the snow fall…one of those expressions was so rare from him. Cas seemed almost vulnerable, and a genuine smile had settled on his face.

“I love it,” Castiel said, catching Dean’s look and turning to stare at him too. “I’m usually cooped up in places like this while it’s snowing, so I rarely get to be out in it.”

Dean’s face fell slightly as he thought about that. Cas never really got to experience his favorite kind of weather…and with snow, that had to mean he spent Christmas in wards.

Even though it was possible Dean would do that himself this year, he couldn’t imagine how horrible it would be to have Christmas year after year without being home.

“I’m sorry,” Dean said sincerely.

“No need to make it sad,” Castiel said, trying to hide the melancholy in his tone without much success. “It’s just how things are.”

“Do they do anything special around here for Christmas?” Dean asked, looking back out at the area in front of the hospital that was normally covered in grass, now white.

“I’ve never been here for Christmas, but they usually let family visit the whole day and have a tree in a couple of rooms,” Castiel said with a shrug. “It’s not much, but they try. They know it sucks to be here when you’re meant to be anywhere else.”

“It’s nice they do that,” Dean said. “Considerate, I mean.”

“Yeah. My mom stops by for a few hours, but I always spend the night in my room drinking hot chocolate…thinking about what I’d be doing if I had a more normal life,” Cas said.

“I thought we weren’t supposed to be making this sad,” Dean said, not sure if he should be encouraging the conversation.

“We’re not,” Castiel said. “It was always a really good time for me, believe it or not. It wasn’t like I was desperately wishing that things could be tolerable in my life…it was my way of coping, I guess. One of the healthier ones. I’d just lie in bed and imagine things were okay, and for a while I could believe it.”

“I get that,” Dean said understandingly. “If you’d want to, this year you could spend it with my family and I...not that you’ll still be here then or anything.”

Castiel laughed bitterly and his eyes flickered over to Dean before settling back on the scenery outside.

“I’ll be here long after Christmas, Dean,” Castiel said. “…but if you really mean it, I’d love that. I haven’t seen Sam in a long time.”

“Yeah, I’m sure he misses seeing you around,” Dean said. “And on New Year’s you’ll have me too. Maybe we can even have a midnight kiss.”

“What do you mean maybe?” Castiel chuckled.

“You’ll have to work for it,” Dean teased, elbowing him when he made sure the orderly was still engrossed in his magazine.

“That won’t be a problem. I’m charming as hell, and you know it,” Castiel said proudly. He sighed and kept his attention on the snow for a few more seconds before looking back at Dean. “Well, I just wanted you to see this…get to know the part of me that geeks out every time it snows.”

“I loved doing this,” Dean said eagerly. “And we should come back after dinner, you know…when it’s a little darker out. More romantic.”

“You’re a hopeless sap, and I love it,” Castiel said with a smirk. “Let’s go then.”

 

 

They went to the dining hall and talked with Chuck, Becky, and Andy for a while before turning in early for the night. 

When Dean wrapped his arms around Castiel's torso, he closed his eyes and imagined walking around in the snow with Cas. Dean kissed the back of Castiel's neck affectionately before falling asleep.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos, comments, etc. are fantastic :D


	16. Getting There

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter sixteen whaaaaaaaat? O.O 
> 
> Just a quick note: I've been horribly sick this whole week so this chapter's a little shorter...it's basically a product of my mental fading in and out so I'm sorry for any mistakes, and I'll fix them as soon as I find them :) 
> 
> Next week is gonna be the Christmas chapter and I've got a lot planned, so it'll be longer and hopefully make up for this. Enjoy!

Two weeks later, Dean and Cas finally had a free hour together.

“It’s kind of weird that this hasn’t happened in a while,” Cas commented randomly in the middle of their conversation.

Dean chuckled and looked around the room for a second at the other people around them. There was a girl in the corner drawing and two other guys standing next to each other talking in hushed tones. The orderly at the front of the room hadn’t moved much, pacing back and forth every now and then.

“What do you mean?” Dean asked, giving up.

“Just us having a free hour together,” Castiel said with a shrug. “It’s been a few weeks; I missed you.”

Dean couldn’t keep the smile from his face when he heard that. “I missed you too,” he replied. “At least we have art together every now and then…not to mention I sleep next to you every night, but it’s whatever.”

Cas rolled his eyes affectionately. “Don’t make me hurt you,” he teased, nudging Dean slightly while the orderly wasn’t watching them. “I can never have too much time with you…which is something I never really thought I’d say to anyone.”

“Not much of a people person either, huh?” Dean asked, raising an eyebrow at him. He and Cas usually only talked to Chuck and Andy after Becky left a little while ago. It had been hard on everyone, especially Chuck, but she’d already been there to visit them all once since then. None of them had really gone out and tried to befriend anyone else, and Ruby was rarely around. When she was, she’d talk to Cas for a little while and leave. 

Dean was starting to pick up on the fact that even though Cas _could_ talk to people…really well, he might add…that didn’t mean he liked it. They were both in pretty much the same boat when it came to not wanting to talk to anyone else.

When it was just the two of them, it was perfect. They could talk for hours about nothing, or simply say nothing at all and just lie together in comfortable silence.

“No, not really,” Castiel answered. “You know that though. People in general always bother the shit out of me; I don’t know why. I didn’t understand how someone could have a best friend, or someone they could talk to for a few hours over the weekend, but now I get it. Obviously I’m not super clingy, but I wouldn’t have a problem just being around you for a few months…most people I know I’d kill in the first hour.”

“Thanks,” Dean said half-jokingly. It was amazing to hear that someone like Cas really wanted to be with him. “Kind of a rush knowing someone who hates people likes me.”

Cas smirked and held his tongue before settling on saying, “Anyone who doesn’t like you is an idiot. I’ll leave it at that.”

Dean didn’t miss the way Cas caught himself in whatever he was about to say, but didn’t mention it. Whatever it was would probably come out later on.

“Same goes for you too you know,” Dean told him.

Castiel smiled fondly at Dean and started bouncing his knee out of habit.

“Why do you do that?” Dean asked.

“What?” Cas asked, confused.

“Bounce your knee,” Dean said, gesturing to the motion. “You do that sometimes; is it a nervous thing?”

“Oh,” Castiel commented under his breath as he looked at his knee and stopped moving it. “No, it’s not a nervous thing. More of a habit I picked up. In the last psych ward I was in I wasn’t allowed to smoke, so I had to find something else to keep me occupied while I got irritable…this was basically all I was allowed to do instead.”

“I didn’t know you smoked,” Dean said, mildly interested.

“I don’t anymore, if it would’ve bothered you,” Cas said, almost nervous that it would put Dean off.

“No, I wouldn’t have cared,” Dean assured him, smiling slightly at Cas. “Just…there’s a lot I don’t know about you. I’ve always liked that you bounce your knee.”

“Seriously?” Castiel asked skeptically.

“Yeah. I notice smaller things like that; it’s you,” Dean said affectionately, hoping it didn’t sound as lame out loud as it did in his head. Of course he realized that too late, but Cas didn’t seem to care.

Cas smirked and shrugged. “Thanks,” he said, for lack of anything better.

Dean smiled at him and looked around the room before settling his gaze on Castiel again. “So. Anything else I don’t know about you you’re willing to talk about?” he asked, curious.

Dean knew they were in a good place in their relationship, but what they were willing to discuss with each other varied pretty much day by day. If there was something Cas wanted to tell Dean in the moment, he wasn’t going to pass up the opportunity. They could help each other out.

“I guess while we’re on the topic I could tell you a little about what I was like before I moved here,” Cas said, looking from the floor to Dean.

“If you want to,” Dean said. “No pressure.”

“I know, Castiel assured him with a small smile. “You’re the only person I never feel pressured by;it’s comforting, which is why I feel like you should know this. You deserve to know more about me; I don’t want to be a presumptuous ass or anything, but I’m guessing we’re pretty serious at this point, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Dean nodded.

“Then it’s not fair for you to only know the guy next to you. I used to be…a piece of work, to say the least,” Castiel said with a self-loathing grin and a minuscule laugh. “I used to do drugs, drink, have sex with random people, go out partying all the time and get so wasted I didn’t know where I was…” he cut himself off as he took a breath. Just thinking about it was enough to set his teeth on edge. “I _hated_ myself. Still do, really.”

Dean opened his mouth to say something, but stopped. He understood what Cas meant, and it was for the best if he just let Cas keep going.

“Anyway,” Castiel continued, snapping himself out of his temporary reverie. “I wouldn’t say I ever got addicted to anything, but I was doing it all. Cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, meth…if it was wherever I was for the night, I’d borderline overdose on it. I drank a lot and tried to stay away from home as much as I could.”

“No one can blame you for that,” Dean said, feeling like he had to say something to confirm that Cas wasn’t a horrible person back then. It was just his way of dealing with things.

“Yeah they can. It was my fault for being an idiot and not just going to the cops the millions of times I had the chance. I could’ve done something meaningful or better with myself than waste time getting fucked up; it never changed anything. I’d still come back to the same shit after the high was over, and it took a long ass time for that to get through my head,” Castiel told him, absently raising his hand to rub his forehead.

“Things went from bad to worse pretty quickly, and I ended up in a ward because of an overdose. It was the one I was at before this, actually,” Cas said, his voice getting softer and softer. “That was what it took for me to pick myself up and shake myself off, and I’m not proud of it. I did some terrible things, and I’m sure I don’t even remember half the shit I’ve done while I was out of it. I don’t want to either, if I’m being honest.”

“I don’t blame you for not wanting to know,” Dean agreed understandingly.

“Thanks,” Castiel said genuinely. “Not a lot of people would be okay with all this.”

“Luckily for you, I’m not most people,” Dean said with an encouraging look on his face. “We all do stupid things sometimes; I’m not proud of myself either for some of the things I’ve done. But the world isn’t fair and we have to stick it out; nobody’s built for that.”

Cas looked at Dean fondly and wiped at an invisible tear just underneath his eye, somehow hoping it would help keep it inside.

“I’m sorry; you know I don’t cry a lot,” Castiel said, hopelessly looking at the ceiling as he further tried to keep his wave of emotions in check. “It’s just hard to think about.”

“No, it’s fine. Let it out; you probably need to,” Dean told him, raising his hand to touch Cas on the shoulder before pulling it away when the orderly glanced over at them.

“God, I can’t believe you’ve been there for me through all of this shit,” Cas said, letting a few tears fall from his eyes. “I hate thinking about the way I used to be, but it’s not like I can change it. It’s one of the things that I have the hardest time dealing with. The main reason I still cut myself, really. I’m ashamed of what I’ve done and who I am now because of it.”

“I wish there was something I could say that would make you see how beautiful you are; in every way,” Dean said somewhat helplessly. He hated thinking about Cas hurting himself, and wanted to make him feel whole. “If I could do something to make you see yourself how I see you…” He stopped, not sure how he could finish that sentence with what it would truly mean.

“You already do more than you know,” Castiel said. “Obviously it’s gonna take a while for me to change the way I see myself, but just being with you every day makes me think that I could be worth something…or at least that I’m worth something to you.”

“You’re worth everything to me,” Dean told him genuinely.

“I think I’m starting to wrap my head around that,” Cas replied with a small smile, brushing his hand over Dean’s knee when the orderly was staring at another patient. “And it’s…a really good feeling.”

It was hard for Cas to admit that to himself, especially in front of Dean. He knew that Dean cared about him, and instead of pushing him away like he did everything else, he was letting himself feel okay with it. Castiel didn’t let himself get close to people; being attached to someone was more of a burden than he could bear. And yet…here he was: putting all of his faith into this relationship with Dean.

“Yeah, it is,” Dean said affectionately.

“You know I care about you too, right?” Castiel asked, wanting to make sure. “It’s hard for me to say all the time, but I do…I care about you more than anything else.”

Dean was all Cas really had left, if he was being honest. Yeah, he had his sister and his mom, but they were rarely around. The only person who had been by his side, apart from Alfie, was Dean.

It was terrifying for Cas to think that he was letting himself fall for Dean, but he was. He might even venture to say that he was already in love, but he wasn’t in a place where he could admit it to Dean yet.

“I know you do,” Dean assured him. He knew Cas cared about him; he showed it a little differently, but it was there and it mattered. “If we were back in our room, I’d kiss you right now.”  

Castiel chuckled and ran his fingers through his hair. “Only _you_ could make me smile when I feel like shit,” he told him.

“I’m glad,” Dean said, brushing against Castiel’s hand with his own. “It’s hard for me to have a bad time when you’re around.”

Cas gave him a fond look before the hour was up.

“Well that’s enough serious talk for a while,” Castiel said, standing up and mentally shaking the conversation off. He didn’t want to be in that mindset of thinking about how he used to be for much longer; even though he had Dean, he couldn’t handle remembering the shit he’d done. “Let’s go meet Andy for art.”

“Right behind you,” Dean said, following Cas to the art room for their next activity. “It’s been a while since we’ve had art together too.”

“We should file a complaint to Charlie,” Castiel joked as they entered the room.

“Hey guys. First two here,” Pamela greeted as Dean and Cas walked inside. “What’s up?”

“Hey Pam; not too much. Slowly getting better, I’d like to think,” Dean said as he and Cas sat down in two seats at the far back corner.

“Awesome, glad to hear it,” Pamela said supportively, making her way over to the two seats Dean and Cas had chosen. “What about you, Cas?”

“I’m getting by; you know how it is sometimes,” Castiel said with a shrug and a forced smile.

“All too well,” Pamela said. She waited a beat before saying, “I used to go here too, you know.”

“Seriously?” Cas asked, while Dean’s expression turned curious.

“Seriously,” Pam confirmed. “For depression; art helped me get ahold of myself, so I came back right after I graduated college and started teaching.”

“That’s really cool,” Dean said, impressed.

Maybe that was a hopeful sign. If Pamela went here and got through her issues, Dean and Cas could do the same.

“Thanks,” Pamela said somewhat proudly. “I know I’ve said it before, but honestly, if either of you are having a rough time and don’t want to talk to your therapist about it, you can always come to me. I like to think I give good advice.”

“I’m sure you do,” Castiel said. “Thanks, Pamela.”

“You’re welcome,” Pam said.

Just then Andy walked in the door, and Pamela noticed.

“I’ll leave you guys to it,” she said happily before walking back to her desk.

“Hey,” Andy greeted as he sat in the empty seat next to Dean.

“Hey,” Dean and Cas greeted separately.

“Are you guys doing the ornaments?” Andy asked. He looked like he was trying to contain his excitement about something.

“What ornaments?” Dean asked, looking around the room.

“The ones for the Christmas tree,” Andy said, like it should’ve been obvious. “Apparently every year they have a giant Christmas tree they put in the branch off of the hallway with all the chairs. It helps cheer patients up and gives them something that feels a little more like home.”

“And we have to make ornaments for it?” Castiel asked, giving them both an unamused expression. “Christmas is still a week away.”

“It’s not a punishment, Cas,” Dean said, nudging him with his leg. “We don’t ‘have to’…we’re _going to_ because it’ll be fun. We could both use some fun.”

 “I’m plenty of fun,” Castiel, putting a hand over his chest in exaggerated defense. “But I guess if it’d make you happy I could do it.”

“It’d make me very happy,” Dean said, deciding to play up the boyfriend card while he could.

“Then I could never turn it down,” Cas teased before turning his attention to Andy. “Where do we go to do it?”

“Here,” Andy said, pointing at the front of the room where Pam was setting out some craft and ornament-looking things. “I’m gonna make a few over the next couple of days.”

“Good idea,” Dean said. He stood up and grabbed Castiel’s hand to pull him along and pick out different kinds of ornaments.

Once all three of them had a good supply of random craft-y things like glue, colored paper, pinecones and even glitter, they sat down.

“I didn’t take you for a glitter man,” Andy teased Dean as they sat down.

“Hey, it’s not festive without at least a little bit of it. I can guarantee you by now the entire floor of my house is probably covered in the stuff…courtesy of my mom,” Dean chuckled.

“That’s true,” Andy conceded. He started to trace a Christmas tree into the paper he’d gotten with a pencil.

“I think I’m gonna do one of these pinecones; bit of a cop-out, but oh well,” Dean said half to himself. He turned to Cas and smiled when he saw him focusing intently on the paper in front of him. “What are you gonna make?”

“An angel,” Castiel said as he started to draw lightly on the paper in front of him. “A little cliché, but I’ve always liked the way they looked…that and I’m named after one.”

“You’re named after one?” Dean asked, intrigued.

“Yeah. Don’t get too excited though, it’s just the angel of Thursday,” Castiel said with a shrug as he started the outline of shoulders.

“I still like it,” Dean said, pouring glue over some of the ridges of his pinecone.

“Me too. It’s unique,” Andy said, glancing over at them with a smile as he kept drawing.

“Thanks,” Cas replied to them. He looked over at Andy and noticed how close to the paper he was leaning, a grin still on his face. “You’re really into this, aren’t you Andy?”

“What?” Andy asked, getting snapped out of his reverie while he worked on his ornament.

“Christmas,” Cas clarified. “You’re really into it, huh?”

“Yeah I am,” Andy said with a small laugh, rubbing the back of his neck. “I know it’s childish or whatever, but I’ve always loved it.”

“No, I get it,” Dean agreed.

“You guys are gonna have to show me what’s so amazing about it this year,” Castiel said, allowing the small burst of excitement he felt in his gut at thinking of spending the day with his friends. This would be the first time he’d have people to really spend it with.

“We definitely will. Prepare yourself, Castiel Novak,” Dean said, kissing him on the cheek when no one around the room was looking back at them.

“I’ll try,” Cas said as he went back to work on the angel he was putting a surprising amount of detail into sketching.

The rest of art was fun…Castiel might even venture to say it was the most fun he’d had in the past few years. As they all talked and made fun of how much glitter Dean was getting everywhere, he looked forward to the holiday that used to always end in despair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys liked it! :) Please leave kudos, comments, etc. and thank you so much for your support <3


	17. A Confession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter 17! :) (or as I like to refer to it, the Christmas chapter...let's face it, every fic is better with at least one holiday thrown in there) As always, I'll edit this as soon as I get the chance, but I hope you guys like it!
> 
>  
> 
> (as a reference, this is the Christmas sweater I envisioned Dean wearing: http://pixel.nymag.com/imgs/fashion/daily/2012/12/14/14-ugly-holiday-sweater-42-26692636.o.jpg/a_4x-horizontal.jpg it was just too perfect)

Castiel almost didn’t believe it when he woke up excited on Christmas morning. He was in Dean’s arms and for the first time since he could remember there was a small smile already on his face as soon as he opened his eyes.

Cas sighed and just laid there for a while, looking at the clock and smirking to himself when he saw it was 5:30 in the morning. He felt like a little kid again, waking up early on Christmas just because his mind refused to wait any longer before the day.

“You awake?” Dean whispered at around 6:15.

“Yeah…have been for a while,” Cas murmured back, his voice gruff with sleep. He cleared his throat before turning around so he and Dean could face each other. “When did you wake up?”

“A few minutes ago. I didn’t feel like if I opened my mouth any sound would come out…but now that’s fixed,” Dean said with an almost sad attempt at a laugh so early in the morning. “Merry Christmas, Cas.”

“Merry Christmas, Dean,” Castiel mumbled happily, his eyes only partially open as he closed the small distance between their mouths and kissed him lazily.

When they pulled apart their foreheads still rested together, and Cas sighed heavily.

“I feel like I’m five again getting up this early for a holiday,” Castiel confessed with an equally pathetic attempt at a laugh.

“Me too; it’s amazing,” Dean said, opening his eyes to look at Castiel’s face as he ran his hands over Cas’ sides. “It’s even better waking up with you like this…getting lost in those blue eyes.”

“My eyes are closed, smartass,” Cas laughed, pushing one of his legs in between Dean’s to get even closer to him.

“Then open them,” Dean encouraged, nuzzling their noses.

Cas wordlessly opened his eyes and stared into Dean’s green ones, only an inch away.

“There they are,” Dean said fondly, pulling up Castiel’s shirt slightly so he could rest his hand on his bare hip. “Beautiful, as always.”

“So are yours,” Castiel said, tracing Dean’s collar bone through his shirt. “One of my favorite things about you, actually.”

“Thanks,” Deans said quietly, running his fingertips over Castiel’s skin.

“Your night terrors have gotten a lot better,” Cas commented somewhat randomly. It had suddenly occurred to him; they used to happen every other night or so, and now it was down to about twice a week.

“Yeah, they have,” Dean agreed, having noticed it a while ago. Not only were they less frequent, but they were gradually becoming less intense as well…maybe this whole thing was working for him after all. “Thanks for that.”

“Me?” Castiel asked, narrowing his eyes in slight confusion. “What did I do?”

“They only started to get better when we started sleeping in the same bed,” Dean explained, moving a hand to brush through Cas’s hair. He was past the point of seeming cheesy, knowing that it was true. “Medication didn’t do that. Neither did therapy, or art, or music, or any of that. You did.”

Cas gave a soft smile at that. “I never thought I could make such a difference to someone,” he said quietly. “But it means a lot to see your night terrors getting better…and for what it’s worth, you know I’ll always be here to get you through them.”

“I know. And I think it’s incredible you’re actually willing to do that. No one else would stick by me through all this; I think even Sammy would be sick of it by now,” Dean said, trying to make light of it.

“I don’t know, he’s a pretty great kid,” Castiel said. “Speaking of which, do I finally get to see him again today like we’ve been talking about?”

“Yeah, if you’re still up for it,” Dean said, getting excited again. “I’m just happy they’re letting visitors come in and stick around on the main floors all day.”

“Me too,” Castiel said. “And I’m glad I got that visit with my mother out of the way a few days ago; she won’t be coming today.”

“If that’s what you want, then good,” Dean said supportively, kissing Castiel on the forehead. “Maybe your sister will show up though,” he commented, trying to be positive.

Cas had been talking about his sister a little more lately, realizing that other than Alfie she was the last family member he had that he felt a real connection with.

“Yeah, maybe,” Castiel said somewhat absentmindedly. He didn’t want to get his hopes up since Anna hadn’t visited him for about  a month now, but it was possible. “I’m excited that I get to meet your mom though.”

“Me too; she’s gonna love you. She’ll probably think you’re gonna educate me and make sure I stay in line when I get home,” Dean said with a small laugh.

“Then we’re introducing me to them as your boyfriend?” Castiel asked, not wanting to sound as surprised as he did.

“Of course,” Dean said, like it should have been obvious. “What else would we introduce you as?”

“No, nothing like that, it’s just…” Cas said, trying to find the right words. “I’m a little nervous. Like I said a while back, I’ve never been someone’s boyfriend before. I figured maybe you’d want to wait to break the whole gay thing to your mom.”

“My mom won’t have a problem with me being gay,” Dean said confidently. “All she’ll care about is that I’m with someone who’s serious about us and makes me happy…which I am.”

Cas nodded and took a deep breath. “Then now I just have to focus on calming my nerves,” he said.

“You’re nervous,” Dean stated, almost unable to believe it. “You’ve met Sam before, so that should take a little of the edge off, right?”

“A little, but I don’t know. There’s a different feel about everything now, and I have to make sure your mom likes me-.”

Dean cut him off with a kiss and smirked against Castiel’s mouth. “Shut up,” he whispered.

“Don’t steal my line of seduction,” Cas smirked.

“Look, you’ve got no reason to be nervous…at all,” Dean assured him, hugging Cas impossibly closer. “If any hard questions are thrown your way, I’ll step in and you won’t have to say anything. You’ll do great though, trust me.”

Cas supposed Dean was right. He needed to have more faith in himself, and if that meant believing Dean when he said he’d be fine, he could do it. That was simple enough, anyway.

“I trust you,” Castiel said. And surprisingly enough, saying it out loud didn’t carry the usual sting going down his throat, like the words were poisoning him. It felt freeing.

“Good,” Dean said, kissing him chastely before the alarm clock started to go off.

“Looks like it’s officially Christmas now,” Castiel said, for once not irritated by the noise coming from their nightstand. “We should go eat.”

“Yeah, we should,” Dean agreed. “I just wish I wasn’t so comfortable like this; that’d make the whole ‘movement’ thing a little easier.”

“It really would,” Cas said with a nod. “But we’ve got things to do and people to see, so get your lazy ass up, Winchester. I might beat you to Sam.”

Castiel rolled off the bed and went to his dresser, going through his clothes. “I’m starting to regret not bringing some kind of cheesy-ass Christmas sweater,” he said.

Dean laughed and got out of bed too, wrapping his arms around Castiel’s waist from behind and resting his head on his shoulder as he rifled through his things. “I wish you’d brought one too; then we could’ve been twins,” he smirked, playfully biting Cas’s ear.

“What do you mean?” Castiel asked, not bothering to fight the smile that took over his face at Dean’s touches.

“I mean, when Sam came to visit me a few days ago he brought the awful sweater I wear every year just because I can. Said just because I was having a rough time didn’t mean I should miss out on all of its glory,” Dean explained.

“Well now I’ve gotta see this monstrosity,” Castiel chuckled, turning his head to kiss Dean on the cheek.

“Alright; don’t look,” Dean said, forcing himself to back away from Cas and walk over to his dresser.

“I can already tell I’m gonna feel insanely underdressed,” Cas half-mumbled, putting on a black long sleeved shirt and skinny jeans.

After a minute of remaining where he was, facing the wall and tapping his fingers against the dresser, Cas sighed heavily.

“Are you done yet? I’ve been waiting for years,” Castiel complained, only slightly exaggerating.

“You’re one of the most impatient people I’ve ever met…but yeah, I’m done,” Dean said, grinning as he awaited Castiel’s reaction.

When Castiel turned around, he practically choked on the breath he was taking and started laughing harder than he had in as long as he could remember.

“Holy shit! What…the _hell_ …is that?” Cas asked, getting his words out when he could through his fits of laughter.

Dean’s sweater was a bright red knitted disaster. It had three Christmas trees on it, with the center one being climbed by two reindeer. There were even fake three-dimensional Christmas lights strung throughout the fabric. All of that was bad enough on its own, not to mention the sweater itself was probably three sizes too big for him.

“It’s only the greatest thing you’ve ever seen in your life,” Dean said proudly, raising an eyebrow at him.

“It’s certainly….something, alright,” Cas said, finally calming down from his laughing. He took a few steps closer to Dean and ran his hand along the front of it, smirking at the different textures of the details on it.

“I like your laugh,” Dean said fondly. He’d never seen Cas lose it like that, and it was one of the most amazing sounds he’d ever heard.

“Thanks,” Castiel said, his voice dropping a little lower, hoping his embarrassment wasn’t showing too much. “This is so insane though; you really wear this every year?”

“Yeah,” Dean replied.

“I like it,” Cas said, turning his gaze up to look at Dean in the eyes. “It’s very you.”

“I’m gonna take that as a compliment,” Dean said, putting his hands on the sides of Castiel’s neck as he kissed him briefly. “You look great too.”

“Thanks,” Cas said, resting his hands on Dean’s waist.

Dean closed his eyes and sighed, cherishing these moments in the morning when they got to be so close and open about their relationship before hiding it from the rest of the ward.

“You’re welcome,” Dean murmured. “Come on, let’s go eat breakfast before people start showing up.”

“Alright,” Cas nodded, reluctantly taking a few steps back from Dean and following him to the door.

Dean opened the door for the two of them and followed Cas towards the dining hall.

They got their breakfast, which Balthazar had made into gingerbread man shaped pancakes.

“I was joking,” Castiel called behind the counter at his brother, who was standing over a stove.

“Well I thought it’d be nice. I never do anything festive for you guys,” Balthazar replied with a smile. “Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas,” Castiel and Dean called separately at him.

“You told him to make these?” Dean asked as he took a pancake and put it on his plate, smiling in amusement at the shape of it.

“Yeah, back when I was in the ER. Guess he took me seriously,” Cas shrugged. “Hopefully he’ll be able to get out of work early and spend some time with us too; I think you guys would get along.”

“That’d be awesome,” Dean said as he grabbed a small container of orange juice. “Does he know about us?”

“Yeah. He kind of assumed something was up when you were the only one constantly allowed to see me in the ER,” Castiel told him as he grabbed some orange juice too.

“Makes sense,” Dean chuckled as they walked over to their usual table, where not even Chuck or Andy had arrived yet.

“Where is everyone?” Cas wondered aloud as they sat down, glancing around at the other tables.

As if on cue, Andy and Chuck entered the dining hall and looked shocked to see Cas and Dean there before them.

“Hurry your sweet little asses up and eat with us,” Castiel called to them from his seat as he started to eat his pancake.

Less than a minute later they were all sitting at their respective seats, and Chuck shook his head slightly.

“Since when do you guys get here before us?” Chuck asked, raising an eyebrow at them.

“Since it’s Christmas and that apparently means both of us have lost the ability to sleep in,” Castiel replied, on the verge of sounding annoyed about it.

“You guys too?” Andy asked somewhat excitedly. “I think I got maybe ten minutes of sleep the whole night.”

“What are you so excited about?” Dean asked with a small laugh.

“My family’s coming all the way down here to visit me,” Andy told him. “They live five hours away since this was the closest place with a good program for my anxiety and stuff. My mom sometimes visits once or twice a month if she can, but today her, my dad, and my brother are all gonna spend the day here.”

“Seriously? That’s so cool,” Chuck said as he took a bite of his pancake.

“Thanks,” Andy smiled. He opened his mouth like he was about to say something before awkwardly running a hand through his hair and making hesitant eye contact with everyone at the table. “Um…I was wondering if you guys would want to meet them. I haven’t had a friend in years, and I think it’d mean a lot to them if they got to talk to you.”

“Yeah, we’ll totally meet them,” Dean said. “I’m really happy for you, Andy. You’ve come a long way, and I haven’t even known you as long as Cas or Chuck have.”

“Thanks,” Andy said proudly. “You’ve all helped me so much…I couldn’t ask for anything else.”

“We love you too, Andy,” Cas chimed in, discreetly giving him a small pat on the shoulder.

Andy smiled as he took a bite of his food and looked around at the rest of them.

“Are any of your families coming here?” Andy asked.

“Yep,” Dean said.

“Maybe,” Cas offered.

“Yeah,” Chuck stated.

“Awesome. Then we’ll have to try to meet everyone’s,” Andy grinned. “It’s not every day we don’t have any activities…Dean, what the hell are you wearing?”

 

 

The rest of breakfast went well, and as soon as Dean and Cas walked out of the dining hall, Dean felt someone hugging him almost painfully tightly.

“Sam,” Dean choked out, wrapping his arms around his brother when he realized who it was. As soon as he could breathe, he patted Sam on the back and pulled away. “Merry Christmas, man.”

“Merry Christmas,” Sam said, smirking when he saw the shirt Dean was wearing. “Oh my god, you’re actually wearing it.”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Dean asked.

“Because there are other people who aren’t me and mom here?” Sam asked, like it should’ve been obvious before turning his attention to Castiel. “Hey Cas!”

“Hey Sam,” Castiel said, giving him a small wave.

“Get in here, I haven’t seen you in forever,” Sam said, wrapping his arms around Castiel’s shoulders in an embrace.

Dean watched as Castiel’s face changed from one of shock and alarm to slight acceptance and finally, gratitude. He hugged Sam back and closed his eyes, realizing how foreign but good it could feel to have someone hug you. Other than Dean and his family, it had been a long time since he’d gotten some sort of genuine show of affection like this.

When they pulled away, Cas looked at Sam appreciatively, even though he probably wasn’t aware of what that meant to him.

“You’re not weirded out by the sweater?” Sam asked with a chuckle.

“I’m extremely weirded out by it, but I kind of find it adorable on him, so he gets a free pass,” Castiel said, winking at Dean.

Dean rolled his eyes at him teasingly when his mom stepped around the corner.

“Merry Christmas Dean,” she greeted, hugging him as well.

Cas felt his heart skip a beat as he waited for Dean to introduce them, trying to remain calm. Like Dean said, there was no reason for him to be nervous.

Dean and his mom exchanged short greeting before he motioned Castiel over.

Cas hesitantly took a few steps towards them and gave Dean’s mother a shy smile. He’d never felt like such a part of someone else’s life, and he was letting himself like it. This was the kind of thing he’d always wanted to do, but could never envision actually happening to him.

“Hey, my name’s Castiel; it’s nice to meet you, Mrs. Winchester. Merry Christmas,” Castiel said politely, hoping it wasn’t too much of a mistake to call her “Mrs.”

Dean’s mom smiled at Cas and hugged him as well. This was the most genuine human contact Castiel had had in the past few years, and he hugged her back.

“You can call me Mary, sweetheart,” Mary told him with a grin. “I’m glad I get to meet the famous Castiel in the flesh.”

“You’ve talked about me?” Castiel asked Dean as the other boy came over and stood close to him.

“Of course I do,” Dean said proudly.

“Only all the time,” Sam agreed, stepping next to his mom.

Castiel smiled at Sam and Dean looked around before pointing to the main socializing room.

“Let’s go sit down in there so we can all get caught up on what’s been happening everywhere lately,” Dean suggested, leading everyone to some chairs in the direction he pointed.

 

 

“Wait, you have _how many_ brothers and sisters?” Sam asked in slight amazement.

“Four,” Castiel re-iterated.

“Oh my god,” Sam commented, side-glancing at Dean. “Sometimes having Dean around can feel like having four.”

“I’ll bet. Sometimes he’s quite the handful,” Castiel joked along with him, starting to get used to and grow fond of the relaxed atmosphere.

“Sometimes? I can’t count the amount of times I’ve seen this one sneak out,” Mary teased, pointing at Dean. “But I’m sorry, I can’t wait any longer. Sam and I brought presents.”

“Seriously?” Dean asked, looking at the giant shopping bag his mom had brought with her. “You didn’t have to do that, mom; I didn’t even get you and Sam anything.”

“It’s not like you could, exactly,” Mary said with a shrug. “We love you, Dean, and we know you’d get us something if you had the chance.”

Dean smiled as Mary reached inside the bag and handed him a present, then Sam; but when she reached back into the bag, Sam stood up and walked over.

“I want to give it to him,” Sam smiled as he took a present out and handed it to Cas.

“What’s this?” Castiel asked, confused, as he accepted the gift from Sam.

“You didn’t think we’d leave you out of this, did you?” Sam asked, sitting back down next to Dean.

“I-…thank you,” Cas said, hoping how grateful he was came through in his voice.

Sam and Mary had actually gone through the trouble of getting Cas a present when they’d never met him before. They cared about him.

“No problem. Dean told us what he thought you’d like,” Sam said with a grin.

Castiel shot Dean a smile of gratitude and lightly elbowed him as Dean started to open his present. He ripped the wrapping paper off and carefully opened the box underneath it, his mouth opening in shock.

“No fucking way,” he murmured, a smile growing on his face as he took out the object inside.

It was And Justice for All, a re-mastered Metallica record that Dean had been obsessed with trying to find for months on end.

“How did you get this?” Dean asked in wonder, turning the sleeve over in his hand like he couldn’t believe he was actually holding it.

“I have my ways,” Sam smirked before turning to Castiel. “Your turn, Cas.”

“Alright,” Castiel said, unwrapping his present with a growing smile coming across his face. “Oh my god; it’s amazing.”

Cas pulled out the new journal that was inside the wrapping paper. It was bound in dark leather and had the word _Journal_ stamped across the front of it in silver.

“You like it?” Dean asked, slightly nervous that Cas wouldn’t. “I know you write and draw a lot, so I figured it might be nice to have a new place to get everything down on. Your other journal’s almost full, and I thought maybe this one could have some better times written down in it.”

“I can already tell you it will,” Castiel said, resisting the urge to lean over and kiss him. Instead, he looked around at each of them and gave a genuine smile. “Thank you so much; you really didn’t have to.”

“Dean’s crazy about you; as far as we’re concerned, you’re already part of the family,” Mary said happily.

“Cas, you’re crying,” Dean said, astonished as he reached over and caught a tear that had fallen out of Castiel’s eye.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t think I’d be this much of a mess. I just-…I really appreciate it. Thank you all so much,” Cas said, blinking away the tears as he tried to fight them back.

“You’re welcome,” Sam and Mary said practically in unison.

It was strange how Castiel could feel so loved and accepted by people he’d just met after spending so much time convincing himself that he wasn’t worth anyone feeling that way over him.

 

 

“I’m sure Anna would’ve come if she could,” Dean assured Cas as they sat in front of the fireplace that night, drinking hot chocolate.

“Yeah, I bet you’re right,” Castiel said, trying not to sound too broken up about it. “I wasn’t really expecting her to come anyways; it’s fine. We had a pretty intense day without her showing up.”

After Sam and Mary left a few hours ago, Dean and Cas spent a little time with Andy and his family. They were all enthusiastic about everything, and it was almost hard to believe that Andy came from a family of people who loved to talk so much…then again, it kind of made sense that he’d feel pressured to speak all the time.

 Dean, Cas, and Andy even had time after Andy’s family left to go say hi to Chuck and his parents.

Chuck’s family was…interesting. They were all pretty different from one another, but all around it seemed like they were working hard to get past any issues they had.

“We definitely did,” Dean agreed, looking at the flames of the fire and back at Castiel. “I think I’m people’d out for the next century and a half.”

“Me too,” Castiel chuckled, taking a sip of his drink. “But I like your mom…and Sam’s just like I remember.”

“Thanks,” Dean said, nudging Castiel’s foot with his own. “I can tell they like you too.”

“It’s kind of cool having people like me,” Cas said, running his finger down the side of his mug without really thinking about it. “Not to sound…whatever that sounds like, but I’m finally open to it.”

“And I’m proud of you for that,” Dean said, brushing his hand against Castiel’s arm as he moved to run a hand through his hair.

“This is the first day in a long time when I’ve felt…really happy,” Cas said with a bit of a sense of wonder. “And seriously, I owe almost all of that to you.”

“I feel the same way,” Dean said. “I think I’m starting to be an actual person again.”

“Me too,” Castiel commented.

“Sorry to interrupt, guys,” Chuck said from behind them as he entered the room. “It’s snowing though, and I thought you might want to see it.”

“Fuck yeah we want to see it,” Castiel said, standing up quickly and motioning for Dean to follow him.

Dean laughed at how enthusiastic Castiel was about snow and walked next to him until they reached the room with large windows. Sure enough, it was snowing outside, and there was already a good two inches on the ground.

“It’s so beautiful,” Castiel murmured, setting his drink down on the small window ledge in front of them.

“Yeah, it is,” Dean said, not taking his eyes off Cas. The orderly wasn’t looking at them on the opposite side of the room, so Dean rested his hand on the small of Castiel’s back.

Cas smiled as he watched the snow falling, Dean’s small touch sending a jolt of adrenaline through him. This was how he’d always hoped his life could be: content with the man he loved more than anything else in the world…and that’s exactly how he felt. He knew in that moment that he’d fallen in love with Dean, and he couldn’t keep quiet about it anymore.

Cas turned his gaze from the snow to Dean’s green eyes and took a deep breath.

“I love you, Dean,” he murmured.

Dean’s breath caught in his throat as what Cas had just said processed for him. He’d taken down his walls and shown Dean his whole heart…and Dean wanted to give him even more back.

“I love you too, Cas.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there you have it; they're in looooove (finally after 83k words, amiright? expect smut in the next chapter ;) ) 
> 
> Reviews, comments, etc. are badass and much appreciated! :) 
> 
> By the way, I changed my tumblr url to: castielfuckingnovak.tumblr.com if any new readers wanted it.


	18. Want and Need

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dun dun dun DUUUUNN. Chapter 18's here ;)

“You do?” Castiel asked, thinking he almost imagined the words coming out of Dean’s mouth. Despite how much he knew Dean probably meant it, he found himself searching Dean’s eyes for any hints of lying or sympathy. He didn’t want any pity, especially like this.

“Of course I do,” Dean said, knowing full well that Cas was analyzing him. He had nothing to hide. “I’ve known it for a while, actually…I was just too afraid to say it first.”

Cas bit his lip, trying to keep a smile from forming on his face rather unsuccessfully. As terrifying as it had been to say it first, there wasn’t anything like the relief that was still surging through him at knowing that Dean felt the same way.

“I’ve never really put myself out there like that before,” Castiel said, even though Dean was well aware of that. “But it feels good…I want you to know what this means to me; no holding back this time.”

He’d let himself fall in love with Dean, and surprisingly he was okay with it…a place he never thought he’d actually be.

“No holding back,” Dean agreed, sliding his arm more securely around Castiel’s waist when he noticed the orderly wasn’t really paying that much attention to them. He leaned closer to Cas’s ear and whispered, “I love you, Castiel Novak…more than anything else in the world.”

Cas grinned stupidly wide and turned his face to look at Dean properly. There wasn’t a doubt in Dean’s eyes, and for once in Castiel’s life, everything was easy.

They were in love. Sure, that came with its own hardships and difficulties; but doesn’t everything? Right now, it was simple.

“I love you too, Dean Winchester…with everything that I have,” Castiel replied, the words flowing from his mouth in a way that he would have deemed impossible several months ago.

A small smirk came over Cas’s face as he got an idea. “Let’s go back to our room,” he prompted.

“Sounds good to me,” Dean said with a laugh, dropping his hand from Cas’s back as they left the room, heading back towards their own. At least by this time of day it was pitch black outside, and only an hour before lights out. No one would think anything of it.

Once they were inside, Castiel closed the door and kissed Dean softly, wrapping his arms around his waist.

When they pulled away to breathe, Cas hesitated before saying, “I know this is kind of random, but we’re pretty serious now, and I feel like we should be open about this…How far are you comfortable with going? We’ve never really talked about sex or anything before.”

Dean huffed out something resembling a laugh and shrugged a little awkwardly. “I’m okay with sex,” he replied. “I mean, like I told you, I’m a virgin; but I’ve thought about it…I love you, and I trust you.”

Castiel sighed as he thought about the enormity behind what that meant. Dean trusted him enough to let him be the first person he slept with…and as far as trust issues went, they both had plenty to go around.

“Wow,” Castiel said, moving one of his hands up to caress the side of Dean’s face.

“I guess,” Dean said with a shrug, taking Castiel’s one word answer as more than enough. He knew when Cas was speechless it was usually best for him to step in and take the lead in conversation for a bit. “What about you?”

“I’m _more_ than fine with sex,” Castiel told him with a laugh. He dropped his hand back to Dean’s waist and kissed him briefly. “But we can wait as long as you want to; no pressure, we’ve kind of got all the time in the world.”

“What if I don’t want to wait any longer?” Dean asked quietly, unsure how he was supposed to go about this.

“Is that really something you’d be okay with?” Castiel asked, taking a small handful of Dean’s shirt in his hands where they rested against his lower back.

“Yeah,” Dean nodded, kissing Castiel chastely. “I’ve never wanted anything more than this.”

“Alright then,” Cas smirked.

He moved his hands to the front of Dean’s shirt and started to walk backwards, using the fabric to lead Dean to his bed.

When they reached it, Cas turned them around and wordlessly pushed Dean back.

Dean smirked up at him and spread his legs, letting his head hit the mattress.

Castiel didn’t waste any time crawling in between Dean’s legs and kissing him slowly, letting their tongues move together. He effortlessly slid his hand under Dean’s shirt and placed it over his bare torso, feeling the heat that radiated off his skin.

Cas pulled away breathlessly and took off his shirt, tossing it to the floor without a second thought. He started to hike Dean’s shirt up too, so the blond sat up and made it easier for Cas to throw it aside.

“Fucking finally,” Castiel murmured in relief, pinning Dean’s upper body with his own back down to the bed as he re-connected their lips.

As Cas pushed his tongue inside Dean’s mouth again, one of his hands made their way down Dean’s chest and stomach until they reached the waistband of his jeans. He playfully bit at Dean’s lower lip as he shifted his hand even lower and started to palm him through his pants.

“Shit,” Dean hissed in arousal, looking up at Cas with already lust-blown eyes.

“You’re gonna have to do better than that…tell me what you want,” Cas murmured teasingly as he kept massaging Dean, feeling him get even harder.

Dean let out a low laugh and thrust his hips up into Castiel’s hand. “I want you to fuck me,” he pleaded.

Cas smiled and moved his hands to undo the button on Dean’s pants, trying to ignore the discomfort beginning to settle in his own. He pulled Dean’s underwear off as well, not sure how much longer he could even put up with his own teasing, before taking a moment to discard his own.

Dean inhaled sharply and looked at Cas with a primal need.

“Please, Cas,” he murmured, still trying to catch his breath.

Castiel didn’t say anything, and kissed the inside of Dean’s thigh. He fixed himself so that he could place random kisses all along Dean’s torso, stopping to flick his tongue over his nipple.

Dean groaned and one of his hands found its way to Castiel’s hair, gripping it tightly in a futile attempt to ground himself.

“You’re sensitive,” Castiel murmured proudly, biting down on the pink skin.

Dean could only make himself let out something dangerously close to a whimper, arching towards Cas’s mouth.

Cas ran his tongue over his nipple again, sucking on it lightly while he almost hesitantly pinched the other one.

Dean bit his lip and tugged on Castiel’s hair to show he liked it. He already couldn’t think straight and he could tell he was in for it.

Cas then put his mouth on Dean’s other nipple, giving it the same treatment he’d given the other. When he pulled away they were both red, and Dean was completely blissed out.

“You alright?” Cas asked with a chuckle, running his fingers through Dean’s hair.

“Yeah…yeah, I’m great,” Dean said, barely able to string a sentence together. “Just…” he struggled to find the right words, giving up and bucking his hips.

“Okay, love,” Castiel said softly, giving him a lingering kiss on the lips before reluctantly leaning back. If he had his way, he’d be close to Dean like that forever.

Cas reached into the nightstand next to their beds and pulled out a small bottle, and Dean’s eyes widened in confusion.

“You have lube? How the hell did you manage to sneak that in?” Dean laughed.

“Balthazar gave me this and some condoms while I was in the ER as a joke…or at least in a _half_ -joking way. I thought they might come in handy, so I decided to keep them. Not to be a jerk or anything; I wasn’t assuming we’d have sex for a while,” Castiel told him.

“We’re gonna have to thank him later,” Dean smirked, opening his legs even wider.

“You don’t even know what you’re doing to me right now,” Castiel shook his head as he poured some of the lube on his fingers. “If you ever want to stop, just say the word and I will.”

Dean nodded, confident in the back of his mind that he’d never want Cas to stop. Sure, this was a big moment for him, but he was ready. Everything about Cas and their relationship made Dean feel safe and loved, and this was something he wanted to do.

And just like that, Cas reached down in between Dean’s legs and circled his hole with a wet finger, cherishing the groan it pulled out of the other teenager. Castiel carefully pushed his index finger inside, watching Dean’s face carefully for any signs of discomfort.

“It’s okay,” Dean assured him, letting out a small noise when Cas started thrusting his finger.

It was…strange, to say the least.  Dean had never even done this to himself, and even though it felt a little invasive, it slowly got better.

Just as Dean got used to one finger, Cas pushed another inside of him, gently scissoring them to get him open. He rested his thumb on the skin behind Dean’s balls and massaged it as his fingers worked.

Dean let out a groan and shifted his hips so Castiel’s fingers could get deeper, closing his eyes as the pleasure started to overtake any pain he was feeling. Now his hands were gripping the bed covers tightly, and his breathing was labored.

Cas smirked to himself as he crooked his fingers and started trying to find that spot that would drive Dean wild. After a few tries, he was rewarded with an almost guttural moan instinctively spilling out of Dean’s mouth.

“Holy shit,” Dean muttered, opening his eyes to look at Cas in awe.

“I know,” Castiel said with a low laugh, leaning down to kiss Dean as he brushed his fingers over his prostate again.

Dean whimpered against Castiel’s mouth and clapped his hand on the back of his neck to keep him close. He’d never felt anything like this before; it was overwhelming and perfect and not enough all at the same time.

Just as Dean started to feel that familiar warmth in the pit of his stomach, he pulled away from Castiel’s lips.

“Wait,” Dean whispered. “I don’t want to come yet…I want you first.”

Cas looked at Dean with predatory eyes and nodded, gently scissoring his fingers as he pulled them out. Dean whined at the sudden emptiness, past the point of worrying what he looked or sounded like.  

Castiel leaned over to the nightstand again and took out a condom, ripping the wrapper open with his teeth. His hands were a little unsteady in anticipation as he put it on his dick and spread lube over it, his eyes flicking over to Dean every few seconds.

“This is gonna hurt, but I’ll be as gentle as I can,” Cas warned, lining himself up with Dean’s entrance.

Dean nodded as he felt Castiel’s lips connect with his, focusing on how perfectly their mouths fit together when he felt the burning sensation of Cas starting to pushing himself inside.

Dean hissed and closed his eyes at the pain, but didn’t give Cas any indication to stop.

“Are you okay?” Castiel asked cautiously, doing everything he could not to keep moving until he bottomed out.

“Yeah…yeah, I’m fine. Just keep going,” Dean said as he opened his eyes, wrapping his legs around Cas to see if that made it more tolerable.

Cas wordlessly kept pushing until his hips were touching Dean’s, letting out a groan at the tight heat surrounding his cock.

“Tell me when I can move,” Castiel murmured, looking Dean in the eyes.

Dean breathed deeply for a few minutes, feeling the sharp pain start to subside after a while. When it was finally gone, he nodded. “You can move,” he said.

Cas started to thrust slowly and shallowly, letting Dean get used to the sensation. He grit his teeth and let out a moan. “Fuck, you’re tight,” he whispered, tilting his head down so it rested on Dean’s shoulder.

Castiel turned his head to the side and kissed Dean’s neck, sucking a mark into the skin where Dean’s shirt collars would cover.

“Nng…Cas,” Dean moaned, stretching his neck so the other would have more room as he started to rock back against Castiel.

Cas bit down on Dean’s neck before slowly licking across his collar bone, choking out a small noise as his thrusts got a little faster and harder.

“Oh god,” Dean whispered heatedly, lightly digging his nails into the back of Castiel’s neck. “Shit, _Cas_.”

Cas growled in pleasure and scraped his teeth against Dean’s collar bone before moving up and kissing him on the lips again.

Dean rested his other hand on Cas’s shoulder, completely drunk on finally being with him like this.

Cas shifted his hips so that he could hit Dean’s prostate while he took one of Dean’s hands and intertwined their fingers together. He pushed them into the mattress while he slowed his thrusts but kept them deep, staring into Dean’s eyes with all the love he could muster.

Dean tried to muffle what was going to be a borderline yelp as Cas ground against his sweet spot over and over, instead moaning as his eyes remained locked onto Castiel’s. He was incredibly focused and dominant, but there was a light behind his eyes that was caring.

“You’re so beautiful,” Castiel mumbled, putting his free hand on the side of Dean’s face and brushing his thumb over his cheekbone.

Dean couldn’t form a verbal response, so he pulled Castiel down and kissed him passionately. He groaned and bit down on Cas’s lower lip.

“I love you,” Dean panted softly. “God, I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” Cas murmured, bucking his hips up and moaning loudly when he felt Dean clench around him.

He reached down and grabbed Dean’s cock, stroking it in time with his thrusts. On the upstroke he twisted his fist, and every few motions he would tighten his hold.

“Fuck, I’m close,” Dean whispered, a whimper at the edge of his voice as he scratched his nails down Castiel’s shoulder blade.

Cas started thrusting even harder, making sure he brushed against Dean’s prostate teasingly with every movement. His hand worked even faster over Dean’s length as he tried to push him over the edge.

“Come for me,” Castiel growled quietly, a warmth starting to spread low in his gut.

“Shit…oh fuck,” Dean rambled mindlessly as he got impossibly closer to the edge. “ _Castiel_ ,” he moaned into his mouth as he came in between them.

The sound of Cas’s full name leaving Dean’s lips sent a shock of adrenaline through him, and when he felt Dean tighten around his cock again he came with Dean’s name escaping his mouth.

Castiel stared into Dean’s eyes that still only had small slits of green around the edges as he gradually slowed his trusts to a halt.

“Dean,” Cas repeated roughly as he kissed Dean again, much gentler this time.

He slowly pulled out of Dean, still panting as he moved one of his still shaking hands to run through Dean’s hair.

Dean whimpered and kept his legs around Castiel’s waist so they were still pressed together. He wasn’t ready for the cold feeling of Cas climbing off of him.

“That was…incredible,” Castiel said as he started to come down from the high of his orgasm, trying to gauge Dean’s reaction and see if he was okay.

 “Yeah, it was,” Dean said almost dreamily. He kissed Cas briefly and sighed. “My first time…as dorky as it sounds, I wouldn’t have wanted it with anyone else…it was perfect.”

Cas smiled and kissed Dean on the nose just because he couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this good.

“Mmhm,” Castiel hummed in agreement. “I’m happy.”

It was the power behind those two words that Cas said that made Dean start to tear up. That’s all he could ever want for him: happiness. And Dean had to admit, he was genuinely happy too; for the first time in what seemed like forever.

“Me too,” Dean said, running his hand over Castiel’s chest.

“Let me hold you,” Cas said as he regretfully leaned back so he was farther away from Dean. He took the condom off and threw it in the trash, leaning over to pick up his shirt as well.

Cas used the shirt to clean Dean’s stomach off delicately, kissing the skin when he was all done.

Without another word, Cas turned over so he was on his side next to Dean. He threw his arms around Dean’s waist and pulled him close to that their bodies were touching and tangled their legs together.

“For the record, I love that you like being like this afterwards,” Dean said fondly, resting their foreheads together.

“Thanks,” Castiel chuckled, kissing Dean chastely as he pulled the blanket up around them more before draping his arm around Dean’s torso again. He traced small shapes into the skin of Dean’s lower back, smiling when Dean sighed at the touch.

“I wish it could always be like this,” Dean commented mindlessly, nuzzling against Cas.

“Me too…one day it could be,” Cas said.

“Mhmm; that’d be awesome,” Dean said, yawning.

“Falling asleep on me, huh?” Cas teased, realizing that he was starting to hit the wall too.

“Yeah…night Cas, love you,” Dean murmured, his voice getting softer and softer with every word.

“I love you too. Goodnight, Dean,” Castiel whispered, closing his eyes.

Dean fell asleep before Cas did, and Castiel found himself trying to match Dean’s steady breathing as he drifted off too. Being able to feel Dean’s heart beat against his chest was nothing short of remarkable, and it didn’t take long for him to pass out.

 

 

The next morning, Cas woke up to the alarm clock on the nightstand.

“Fuck that,” he grumbled, turning over and hitting the snooze button as hard as he could.

Dean smirked when he heard Castiel’s moody awakening, kissing him when he fell back down on the bed.

“Morning, angel,” Dean murmured, resting his hand on the side of Cas’s neck.

Cas’s mouth quirked up at the edges in a small smile at the nickname. “Morning,” he greeted, his voice rough with sleep. “How’d you sleep?”

“Amazingly,” Dean purred, adjusting himself so they were pressed together again. “Not even a bad dream…what about you?”

“Best night’s sleep of my life,” Castiel said honestly, ghosting his fingers along Dean’s spine. “I’m still happy, you know…I think it’s only when I’m with you that I am. Or that I at least see the potential to be.”

Dean kissed Cas again and nuzzled their noses. “I feel the same way,” he said. “But we should probably get up and go to breakfast before we miss it, as much as I want to stay here with you forever.”

“You’re right,” Castiel said, a slight groan at the edge of his voice. He didn’t want to move either. “Chuck and Andy are probably already there, missing our delightful charm.”

Dean chuckled and moved his hand down to Cas’s chest, pushing him gently. “You’re blocking me in,” he said teasingly.

“Fine,” Castiel said, reluctantly getting out of bed and walking to his dresser.

He heard Dean get out after him, and they both put on some new clothes for the day. When Cas turned around and saw that Dean was ready, he wrapped his arms around him and pressed their lips together gently.

“Since I won’t get to say this again until tonight…I love you,” Castiel smirked, feeling like he was in the middle of some old romantic movie.

“I love you too,” Dean grinned. “Now come on, I’m starving.”

Cas rolled his eyes and backed away, following Dean out of their room.

On their way to the dining hall, they weren’t expecting a random patient Cas had never talked to before to stop them.

“Um, Cas?” the stranger asked shyly.

“Yeah?”

“I think the orderlies want you to go to Ruby’s room,” he said, pointing in the direction of another room hall. “I overheard them talking, and she’s having a really rough day…no one can get through to her, so they were saying they might need you to go talk to her.”

Castiel’s eyes widened as he looked from the stranger to the hallway, then Dean.

“I should go,” Cas said, a strange sense of responsibility tugging at the back of his mind.

“No, yeah…go ahead,” Dean said understandingly. “I’ll tell Chuck and Andy. If you’re the voice she needs to hear right now, who the hell am I to argue?”

“You’re the best,” Castiel told him, turning his attention to the stranger again. “Thanks; I’ll go check it out.”

“No problem,” the boy said, turning around and heading towards the dining hall.

“Good luck,” Dean said under his breath.

Castiel gave him a small nod and started off down the hallway that the other patient had pointed to. It didn’t take too long to find the room that all a few orderlies were standing in front of, talking in hushed tones to each other.

“Someone said you wanted me to talk to her?” Cas inquired, raising an eyebrow at the employees.

“Yeah, we were actually just about to send someone to go get you,” one of them said. “I’ve gotta warn you though, I’ve never seen her like this. I don’t know where it came from.”

“That’s fine; I can handle it. Just let me see her,” Castiel said, opening the door when they stepped aside.

“Hey Ruby,” Cas said as he closed the door.

He didn’t know exactly what he was expecting, but it definitely wasn’t what he saw when he looked at Ruby.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's gonna happen with Ruby? :o Hope you guys liked it; your reviews are seriously the best thing ever :D
> 
> castielfuckingnovak.tumblr.com


	19. Dancing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter nineteen this is getting eexxxccciittiinnngg :D Hope you guys enjoy!

Ruby was in the middle of her room with her head in her hands. Her hair was all over the place, and furniture all around the room had been tipped over. Papers were scattered everywhere, and Cas didn’t know where to look first.

Finally, Cas started to walk closer to Ruby. She hadn’t said anything since he first arrived, and as far as he could tell, she hadn’t moved for a while.

“Ruby,” Cas said, more firmly this time. “What the fuck happened?”

When she didn’t say anything, he sighed and sat down on the floor across from her. “If you’re gonna be like that, then I just won’t go away until you talk to me,” he said. “Come on, you know you can tell me anything.”

“Doesn’t mean I _want_ to,” Ruby muttered, still keeping her face hidden from view.

“There she is,” Castiel said encouragingly. He reached out and rested a hand on Ruby’s knee, patting it once before returning it to his lap. “They’re worried, you know.”

“Who is?” Ruby asked under her breath.

“The orderlies…and me,” Cas said, letting himself admit that despite everything Ruby had done to him and Dean, she was his friend now. “Dean too; he was with me when someone said they wanted me to come here.”

“Why the fuck are you all so worried?” She practically hissed.

“Because you’re you,” Cas said, hoping it would be enough of an explanation. As soon as the words left his mouth though, he knew they weren’t. “We don’t know what to expect when you start to lose it, and I’ve never seen you this bad before.”

“I’m no different than anyone else here,” Ruby said, shaking her head at Castiel’s words. “I know I’m the bitch, alright? I’ve always been the bitch that everyone gets to hate and feel okay about hating. If I’m the scapegoat everyone needs, then fine. I can deal with that. But don’t sit there and lie to me saying that people care and I’m different and all that shit. None of it’s real.”

“Why isn’t it real?” Castiel pressed. “Why is the way other people feel about you something you can’t accept? Because it’s not what you expect them to just automatically assume?”

“Because it’s bullshit,” Ruby practically spat. “I’ve never been worth caring about when I went through my other problems, but all of a sudden _now_ everyone’s freaked out? What changed?”

“You did,” Castiel stated simply.

Ruby didn’t have a way to respond to that. She looked at the floor again, starting to draw invisible circles on the smooth surface with her finger.

“I know it’s scary to think that you’re not the same person you were even a week ago,” Cas continued, seeing how unsettled the thought made Ruby. “Believe me; I was in the same place you’re in, and it was one of the most terrifying things I’ve ever gone through.”

When Ruby still didn’t say anything, Cas sighed and adjusted himself so he was sitting next to her.

“It’s confusing,” Castiel said, putting a hand on Ruby’s shoulder. “And that’s alright. What matters is that you’ve got people around you that are willing to listen; no matter what you’ve done or how you used to be.”

“You’re the only one I think actually cares,” Ruby conceded, looking up at him. “Which is pretty pathetic, since I’ve done some horrible things to you before this whole thing happened.”

“I forgave you for all that, didn’t I?” Castiel asked, gently shaking her shoulder in a childlike way to try to cheer her up. “Just tell me what’s wrong. You know out of everyone here, I’m not gonna judge you.”

“I know you won’t,” Ruby said, rubbing her eyes. She started picking at the ends of the sleeves of her shirt and looking at Cas with tired eyes. “I just don’t wanna fucking be here anymore.”

“Where?” Castiel asked, not wanting to read too far into the question just yet.

“This place,” Ruby said, looking back at her hands, which were now intertwining with each other and returning back to how they were. “Don’t worry, I’m not gonna off myself or anything.”

Cas tried to ignore the burning sensation that threatened to send through him and instead just squeezed Ruby’s shoulder, trying to prompt her to talk more. There was no way in hell he was giving up on her now that she was so close to being the one thing she seemed most afraid of: trusting.

“Sorry, I guess that was…insensitive, or whatever,” she said, trying not to sound like she cared too much. “But I just hate this place. I’ve been here so long and _nothing_ worked. I’ve spent so much time here that now I can’t even _dream_ of graduating with my class, and everything’s so fucked I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

Cas sighed and thought for a while. “I understand where you’re coming from,” he said sympathetically. “But trust me, Ruby, this isn’t the end for you. Things might not be happening the way they should, but if you want to get better as badly as I think you do, then you’ve gotta fight for it. It won’t be easy; I’ve been fighting for over half my life to get over all my issues that probably won’t ever go away. But it really _does_ get easier.

If you told me six months ago that I’d be getting better little by little and in love with the most amazing guy I’ve ever met, I would’ve punched you in the face…but here I am. I’m living proof that you’re not gonna be on this track to hell anymore if you really give a shit about getting off of it.”

Ruby just stared at her legs that were now pulled up against her chest.

“ _Do_ you give a shit about getting off of it?” Castiel pressed.

“Of course I do,” Ruby conceded. “It’s just-…I don’t know. I wanna get off, but I don’t know how. I’m scared and it feels like I’m going through this all by myself.”

“You are,” Cas stated.

Ruby looked at him, confused. “Are you trying to make me feel better by saying that? ‘Cause it’s not really working,” she grumbled.

“Just listen,” Cas began. “I hate when other people bullshit me, especially about recovering, so I’m not gonna bullshit you. You’re in this alone, but you know why that is? Because you got yourself into this, and you’re gonna get yourself out. No one can step in and magically cure you or anything, so when you get better it’ll be because you worked hard for it. Alone. That’s just how it is. But even though you’re going through this by yourself, that doesn’t mean other patients around here don’t get it. You’ve got people to talk to and listen to you, even if we don’t understand all the time.”

“So I’m alone, but not really?” Ruby asked, trying to make sure she was getting where Cas was coming from.

“Exactly,” Cas said, a hint of a smile tugging at his face. “It’s complicated and confusing, but so is life, I guess. I wouldn’t know much about what it’s like outside these walls either.”

“But you deserve to,” Ruby said quietly. “It’s not fair. You, Lucifer…Dean, Andy…no one deserves to be here, but they _are._ It doesn’t make sense. You’re all the best people I’ve ever met, Cas, and I mean that. I haven’t met a lot of decent human beings over the last few years, but everyone here deserves so much more than the hand they were dealt and-…it’s so fucked up!”

“I know; it really is,” Castiel agreed wholeheartedly. “Not a day goes by that I don’t think the same thing. But I think at this point, we’ve all just gotta deal with it. And I’ll let you in on something: I think you’re one of the strongest patients in here. If anyone’s got a shot at not only getting out of here but _staying_ out, it’s you.”

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to that,” Ruby said, speechless. “I can’t say that I believe it…or accept it, for that matter.”

“You don’t have to,” Castiel shrugged in understanding. “But if things ever get hard for you, just know in the back of your mind I said that to you.”

“Thanks,” Ruby said genuinely. “Why are you even talking to me right now? You don’t have to.”

“But I want to,” Cas said. “Let me be nice to you. It’s rare I actually want to be nice to anyone.” He gave a soft smile, hoping at some point he could get Ruby to show a hint of a smile.

Ruby rolled her eyes at him fondly, and Cas knew that was the best he was gonna get out of her at this point. “You’re an idiot,” she said.

“There she is,” Cas smirked, putting his arm around her shoulders in half a hug. “I’m sorry things have been rough for you lately.”

“It’s okay. Not like it’s your fault or anything,” Ruby said, resting her head on Castiel’s shoulder.

“Well if there’s anything I can do, let me know. Dean too. He could get his brother to bring you something from the outside world if you ever needed it,” Cas told her.

“Don’t even pretend that he doesn’t hate me,” Ruby said, knowing that Dean seemed pretty unforgiving when he slammed her against the wall.

“He doesn’t hate you,” Cas said. “Even if he did, he’d do anything for me, and I’d make sure he got you what you needed. You’re my friend, Ruby, and my friends mean something to me.”

Ruby lifted her head and looked at Cas, shaking her head in amazement. “You’re a good guy, Cas,” she said. “I don’t know why it took me so long to see that.”

“Thanks,” Castiel said. It always felt strange to hear someone compliment him, but he was working on just accepting it and moving on. That was how he was going to get by when this whole thing was over. “You think you’re gonna be okay now?”

Ruby sighed heavily again and looked around the room, letting a small, self-deprecating laugh escape her. “I think I’ve got nowhere to go but up,” she said. “Besides, I’ve gotta start cleaning this shit up at some point.”

“Let the orderlies worry about that,” Castiel said, standing up next to her. “You should come to breakfast with me. Get to know the guys.”

“And they wouldn’t attack me or something?” Ruby asked, hesitant about the idea.

“They won’t,” Castiel promised, gesturing for her to stand up with him. After a moment of debate, she did.

“Fine,” she said, putting her hands in her pockets.

 

 

After convincing the orderlies that Ruby was okay and really didn’t need to stick around for an immediate therapy session, she and Cas made their way to the dining hall.

Dean had warned everyone that there was a chance when Cas came back it would be with Ruby, so when they all saw them enter the room, everyone smiled.

“See? They’re not out for blood just yet,” Castiel teased as they went to the line of food.

After Cas and Ruby got their food, Castiel sat at his usual place and gestured for Ruby to sit down at the end of his row.

“Hey guys,” Castiel greeted. “I’m sure you’ve all met Ruby before. She’s gonna eat with us today.”

He didn’t want to make any assumptions that it would be a regular thing, but they could eat with her at least this once.

“Yeah, hey Ruby,” Dean was the first to chime in, giving her a small wave.

“Hey Ruby,” Andy and Chuck said at slightly separate times, also waving at her.

“Hey,” Ruby replied awkwardly.

“Well now that that’s outta the way, what did we miss while we were gone?” Castiel asked, taking a bite of his pancake.

“Chuck finished another one of his books last night,” Andy said proudly, pointing at Chuck with his fork.

“Seriously?” Castiel asked, impressed. “One of these days, you’re gonna have to let me read them.”

Chuck reached down into a bag that he’d apparently brought to breakfast and handed a giant stack of papers to Cas.

“This is the first one,” Chuck said, a slightly embarrassed smile on his face. “When you’re done you can give it to Dean.”

“Why does he get it first?” Dean asked in a jokingly accusatory tone.

“Don’t worry, I’ll read aloud to you before we go to sleep every night,” Castiel said with a smirk.

“The sad thing is that he’s not even trying to be funny,” Dean smiled, stabbing his waffle distractedly.

“Don’t read it aloud,” Chuck begged, putting his face in his hands. “It’s not that good.”

“I bet it’s fucking amazing,” Cas said, flipping through the giant stack of papers with a smile. “Is this seriously all handwritten?”

“Yeah. I’ve got a lot of time I guess, Chuck said nonchalantly. “All my books are handwritten.”

“Dude, I applaud you,” Dean laughed, marveling at the sheer size of the novel. “I would never have the patience for that.”

“Me neither…that’s really cool, Chuck,” Ruby said, trying to make it known that she wasn’t an enemy anymore. Maybe they could all be friends one day, who knows?

“Thanks,” Chuck said, floundering a little under the compliments.

“One day you’re gonna be famous, and you’d better thank us when your books win all sorts of awards,” Cas told him.

“I will,” Chuck replied. There was something about the way he said it that made it seem genuine too; like he’d really take the time to do it if things ever came to that.

 

 

After breakfast, their schedule was a little different than normal. Dean had to go to a private therapy session with Crowley instead of group.

“Why would they make me go to private first? I’d be there in a few hours anyway,” Dean said to Cas, standing outside the door to Crowley’s office. They were early, and Dean didn’t want to go in just yet.

“I don’t mean to get your hopes up, but they usually do that when they’re evaluating someone to see if they’re ready to go home,” Castiel said, putting his hands in his pockets. He tried not to let the sadness in his voice show.

“What do you mean?” Dean asked, not quite understanding.

“They usually pull you aside and have you meet with your therapist for a long ass time so they can get more of a handle on if they think you’ll be okay out there in the big bad world,” Castiel told him with a smirk. .

Dean didn’t say anything for a second, blinking in surprise. “I didn’t think I was getting that much better,” he said. “I still have night terrors and I’m still pretty cynical about everything.” He’d gotten better with his temper, but that was the only thing that had been pretty much completely dealt with.

“Then maybe that’s not it,” Castiel said, finding himself selfishly wanting to believe that. “But you know, some things are gonna stick with you for a while. It’d be hard for them to keep you here until you were one hundred percent yourself again. Sometimes the best they can hope for is seventy percent and trust that you’ll keep trying to help yourself when you get out.”

“You’re right,” Dean nodded, looking from Cas to the door. “I don’t know what I’m hoping for right now, but I’ll see you whenever this is over.”

“Okay, see you,” Cas said, looking around before throwing his arms around Dean’s shoulders and hugging him.

Dean closed his eyes and held him close, reluctantly pulling away and nodding as Cas left to go to group. After another moment of waiting, Dean opened the door to Crowley’s office.

“Hey Dean,” Crowley greeted, gesturing for him to sit down in his usual place across from himself. “How’ve you been?”

Dean shrugged, sitting down. “Good, I guess,” he said.

“You’re probably wondering why you’re here so early,” Crowley said,

“Cas explained it to me. At least what he thinks it’s about,” Dean replied.

“And what does he think this is about?” Crowley asked.

“You’re gonna evaluate me to see if I’m ready to leave here,” Dean said, crossing his legs.

“Yes and no,” Crowley said. “This is the first meeting like that of probably a few you’ll have. We don’t interview you for a few hours and then send you packing, if that’s what you’re afraid of. Basically we have a system where when someone shows signs of drastic improvement, we have them come in like this once every two weeks until we think they should get the go-ahead to leave.”

“So this means I might get to leave in a month or so?” Dean asked, wanting to make sure.

“Exactly,” Crowley verified with a nod. “Why, were you nervous you’d have to leave?”

“Yeah,” Dean admitted. “I don’t think I’m ready to go…I don’t want to. Which is actually kind of strange.”

Why?” Crowley asked.

“Because when I first got here all I wanted to do was get out,” Dean said. “Now here I am saying the last thing I want is to be out of here.”

“What about leaving here scares you so much?” Crowley inquired.

“I feel like I won’t know how to handle anything once it’s put in front of me,” Dean confessed. “Everything’s structured here and if I fuck something up someone’s there to tell me what I did.”

“You’re afraid of being independent because of the support system you have here,” Crowley said understandingly.

“Yeah, just a lot,” Dean said with a sad smile. “What if I don’t know how to act like a normal person again?”

“Who said you have to be normal?” Crowley asked. “I’ve never liked that term…so boring. You’re far from boring, Dean, and I hope you don’t leave here thinking you have to pretend to be like every other guy out there. You’re allowed to have good days and bad days, just like everybody else. You’re allowed to be yourself, whether that means you want to run around in your underwear singing show-tunes or sit on the couch and watch TV without speaking for hours. It’s up to you.”

“I used to try so hard,” Dean murmured.

“What do you mean?” Crowley asked.

“Back when I was in school, I was popular for a while,” Dean explained. “I tried really hard to fit in, and I guess it worked. But then something happened, and I was pushed to the bottom of the social pyramid…I know that probably sounds like the worst complaint in the world, but it hurt to have everyone who used to be my friend stop acknowledging me altogether. When that happened, I tried even harder to fit in, but nothing I did worked. Instead, they all kept ignoring me and eventually I gave up. But when I gave up, that meant I could have these self-destructive tendencies, and I-…I can’t be that person again.”

“As much as I hate to say it, almost everyone has self-destructive tendencies to some extent,” Crowley told him. “I’m not saying they’re good to act on, but don’t feel like it’s the end of the world or you’re reverting back to the way you used to be if they cross your mind from time to them. We all deal with them.”

“So I should just try to let all the bad stuff go and be myself…but if I can’t sometimes…” Dean said, not sure how to finish his thought.

“Then that’s okay,” Crowley said for him. “Let yourself feel whatever you feel. As long as you don’t hurt yourself or anyone else, don’t half-ass anything.”

Dean let himself give a small smile at that, imagining what it’d be like to live a carefree life for once. “That sounds nice,” he said. “I like that.”

For the rest of their session, they talked about a bunch of things. It didn’t really feel like one of their normal sessions where they addressed some topic that made Dean’s stomach churn that he had to suffer through.

Instead, they spend their slightly elongated hour and a half together talking about Dean’s hopes for the future. They went everywhere from working for Bobby in the auto shop to becoming a rock star, to even owning a zoo. He’d thought of a million things that would make him happy if he got the chance to do them.

When the session was over, Dean reluctantly left while thanking Crowley for everything he’d done. It meant more than he’d ever know.

 

 

 

That night when Dean and Cas returned to their room for lights out, Dean threw his arms around Castiel’s waist.

“You’re a good person,” Dean said, half-smiling at him.

“And why am I such a good person this time?” Castiel asked, draping his arms around Dean’s neck as he played along with whatever he was doing.

“You know. You really helped Ruby out today,” Dean explained, looking deeply into Castiel’s eyes.

“I did what anyone would’ve done,” Cas shrugged.

“No; you did what _you_ would’ve done. And it was great,” Dean said. “Not a lot of guys would give her a second chance, but you saw the good in her. I’m sure she’s thankful for that, whether she said it or not.”

“I’d like to think so,” Cas admitted.

“What did you even say to her?” Dean asked, unable to keep his curiosity to himself.

“Just that she could get through this if she really wanted to,” Castiel said. “But I don’t wanna talk about her right now.”

“What do you wanna talk about then?” Dean questioned, clenching and unclenching one of his hands so his fingers brushed over Cas’ hips.

“Nothing,” Castiel said simply. “I want to dance with you. Like this.”

“Really?” Dean smiled, not knowing Cas could have this much of a romantic side to him.

“Really. We’re already in the stance, and I feel like it. Might as well,” Cas replied. “Besides, I love dancing.”

“That was something I never knew about you,” Dean smiled.

He liked hearing things like that from Cas; they made him feel special….like they were really in a relationship. It was a silly thing to need validation for, he knew, but there was no denying that it felt great to learn something secretive about him.  

“Well now you know,” Castiel said. “I used to take dance lessons; that’s something only my mom and siblings know.”

“Seriously? What kind?” Dean asked, wanting to know everything about him.

“Jazz mostly, but a little bit of everything,” Castiel told him. “Even ballet.”

“I don’t care what anyone says. I think a dancer is every kind of hot out there,” Dean smirked, kissing him briefly.

“Then let’s dance. I’ll teach you,” Cas said.

“I’ve got two left feet, Cas. I think I’m a lost cause,” Dean warned.

“Then we’ll stick with the easiest thing we could do,” Castiel assured him. “Just sway like this.”

Castiel started to move from side to side, and Dean followed his motions soon after. When they’d gotten the hang of that, Cas started to turn them so they moved in a small circle as they swayed together.

“Not too bad, is it?” Castiel asked, looking at Dean with loving eyes.

“Not bad at all, angel,” Dean replied, kissing him softly. “You should sing a little.”

Castiel rolled his eyes fondly and rested his head on Dean’s chest as they moved. After a few moments, he started to sing quietly along to the beat of how they danced.

Dean closed his eyes as he rested his head on top of Castiel’s, the corners of his mouth curled up in a smile. He hadn’t felt this content in a long time, and even though it was only temporary, they stayed dancing like that to Castiel’s low voice until long after lights out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No real cliffhanger, but I think you all needed a much deserved break from those. Dancing fluff is always great :P 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading, and comments, kudos, etc. are always amazing. I read them all and appreciate you guys so much! <3
> 
> castielfuckingnovak.tumblr.com


	20. But Do I Have the Courage?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter twenty huzzah! Sorry this one's short too but I've been swamped with end of the year school stuff and orientation for this college program I'm doing BUT next week I've got a shitload of ideas and it's gonna be great and long and all kinds of beautiful :P 
> 
> Hope you like it!

A month later, Cas was in the middle of walking Dean to music while he had a free hour when an orderly approached them.

“Hey Castiel,” the orderly greeted, giving them both a warm smile. “You’ve got a visitor.”

Castiel blinked and just stared at her for a moment in shock. “I think you’ve got the wrong guy,” he said.

No one had come to visit Cas since his mom that one day, probably because of how he reacted. He claimed there was no way she hadn’t told the rest of his siblings that he was completely insane and to never see him again. He just didn’t think any of them would actually listen to her.

“Nope,” the orderly said confidently, a small smile on her face. “Anna Novak, she’s here to see you.”

Castiel blinked again and turned to look at Dean. “She…she’s really here?” he asked, like Dean was somehow the only person he’d believe.

“Yeah, I guess so,” Dean grinned, in just as much pleasant disbelief as Cas. “What are you doing still standing here with me for? Go see your sister.”

Castiel smiled and looked back at the orderly. “Great, I’ll follow you then,” he said.

As they rounded a corner, he shouted a goodbye to Dean. Cas knew he shouldn’t get his hopes up too much for talking with Anna when they hadn’t spoken in so long, but she was the only person left he’d expect to still treat him like he used to be.

When they reached the visiting room, the orderly gestured for Cas to go inside.

He hesitated for a moment, not sure what it would be like to talk with Anna again after everything that’s happened. It didn’t take long for him to push through the inexplicable fear that Anna would say she hated him and never wanted to speak to him again, and Castiel opened the door slowly.

“Anna?” He asked, still half-sure that no one was actually there to see him.

“Cas!” Anna said enthusiastically, standing when her brother entered the room.

“Anna,” Castiel said, a little more certainly this time. He let a smile make its way onto his face as Anna walked over to him and hugged him, red hair getting in Castiel’s face.

“I missed you so much,” Anna murmured into his shoulder, squeezing him tightly before she managed to pry herself away from him.

“I missed you too,” Cas told her. He bit his tongue as he considered telling her it didn’t _feel_ like she missed him at all. “Why are you just getting around to coming here now?”

Anna sighed and stepped back from him, obviously weighing her words carefully.

“If you say ‘I’ve been busy’ I swear to god,” Castiel said. He knew it was childish of him to be so bitter, but he couldn’t help it. In a time when he needed Anna more than anyone else, she hadn’t been there. He wondered why every day.

“No, I wouldn’t say that. I thought about it, but…that would be a really shitty thing of me to do,” Anna admitted, sitting down in the visitor’s chair.

“Yeah, tell me about it,” Cas agreed, setting himself down across from her. “Almost as shitty as waiting around in a goddamn mental ward for months on end without hearing a single word from you.”

Anna sighed. She was expecting some sort of outburst from Cas about her absence, but she couldn’t blame him in the slightest.

“I know. I’ve been-…I _am_ the worst sister ever,” Anna said, tears rising in her eyes the longer she looked at Castiel. “But that’s gonna change, believe me.”

The way she was looking at Castiel with such pleading eyes was enough to make him pause and consider everything. He had no reason not to believe her; prior to this, Anna had never broken a promise or been a neglectful sister.

Sometimes Castiel had to admit to himself that he was being a little selfish. Just because he had more issues than the rest of his family didn’t mean that he should be the center of their lives that they come visit every second they get the chance. They didn’t owe him anything, and it was stupid for him to get so worked up over the fact that they hadn’t seen him lately, no matter how much he wished they did. Anna and the rest of his siblings were dealing with a lot too with their father in jail and now Alfie dying…Cas wasn’t the only one that mattered or had to deal with it all.

“You don’t have to change, Anna,” Cas said, guilt weighing heavily in his voice. “I’m not entitled to your visits or anything…you’ve always been a good sister, don’t feel bad about anything.”

Anna’s eyes softened as she looked at him, playing with the fabric at the bottom of her shirt. “Thanks, I’m trying not to,” she told him. “I don’t have a good reason for not being here, but I really did miss you. I thought about you every day.”

“It’s not like this is anything new,” Castiel said, slightly surprised that Anna would be concerned for him. This had been the norm in their family for as long as he could fully remember.

“Yeah, but still. That doesn’t change the fact that I wish you didn’t have to be in these places all the time,” Anna said forlornly. “I’d give anything to have you feel better again.”

“I think I’m finally starting to,” Castiel told her, still in slight disbelief himself.

He was hesitant to say anything at all for fear of getting ahead of himself. What if he told her that now and tomorrow he was back where he started? It was risky. Then again, he’d been taking more risks lately. Where was the challenge if he didn’t?

“Really? Like, ‘get outta here’ better or ‘really better’ better?” Anna asked, trying not to get her hopes up too fast. Cas had admitted to her that in the past he’d faked making progress just so he could go home…he wasn’t too proud of that.

“‘Really better’ better,” Castiel said, a little more confidently this time.

“Cas, that’s amazing!” Anna replied enthusiastically. “Guess whatever they’re doing here’s working out for you, huh?”

“I guess so. It’s actually a little more than that too,” Cas said, rubbing the back of his neck.

“What else is there? Are you making friends?” Anna asked curiously. Cas rarely ever shared his experiences of what it was like in mental wards with her.

“Well yeah, but that’s not why I think I’m getting better,” Castiel said. “I actually, uh…I’ve met someone.”

Anna froze for a moment, unable to believe what she just heard. “But you never get in relationships,” she said cautiously, half thinking it was some kind of joke.

“Yeah, I know,” Castiel said, huffing a small laugh. “But this time it’s different. He really got to me, and I-…I can’t explain it. He’s my world, he helps me through everything.”

Anna smiled softly at him and sat with her legs crossed under her on the chair. “Tell me all about him,” she said.

“His name’s Dean. He’s blond, has green eyes…kinda shy, kind of a dork, but he’s the sweetest guy you’ll ever meet,” Castiel said, his face brightening at the mere thought of him. “He’s funny and smart and gorgeous…he cares about everyone and he’s always there for me. I can’t even explain it, Anna, I just-…I feel loved. And I love him too.”

There was no other way to describe it, and even hearing it come out of his own mouth was hard for Cas to comprehend.

“Are you sure you’re really my brother?” Anna asked, jokingly suspicious.

“One hundred percent positive,” Cas teased back, rolling his eyes.

“I’m so happy for you, Cas,” Anna said genuinely, leaning forward to rest her hand on his knee. “You deserve the world, and I’m so glad you found someone who makes you realize that you’re worth more than this.”

“Me too,” Cas agreed with something that resembled a laugh. “I was starting to think maybe I’d be better off alone.”

“But he doesn’t make you feel that way,” Anna said more than asked, a smile growing even wider on her face.

“No. As stupidly romantic as it sounds, he makes me feel whole,” Castiel said. “I’ve felt like this huge part of me has been missing my entire life, you know? Like nothing ever sat right because I wasn’t completely there; I never felt like there was somebody I really _was._ There were the different sides of me that I showed to certain people, but there was never a real me…then he walked in, and everything fell into place. I know who I am now, and that’s something I never thought I’d be able to have.”

“If he helps you then that’s all I could ever ask for,” Anna said. She waited a moment before tacking on, “Alfie would be happy to hear it.”

Castiel inhaled somewhat shakily and nodded, fighting back tears at the mention of his older brother. He knew it was a little ridiculous for him to be so emotional about it, but he couldn’t help it. There wasn’t a way to just get over something like that, and Cas was the worst when it came to grieving.

“Yeah, I know he would,” Cas agreed, wiping his eyes even though he hadn’t allowed any tears to spill out of them. “I think about that a lot, actually: how happy he’d be if he knew how far I’d come. I wouldn’t have guessed in a million years that I’d get better this soon. And if you told me part of it was because I’d met the guy of my dreams, I’d probably slap you before you could blink…but here I am.”

“Does it scare you at all?” Anna asked, brushing her fingertips over the armrests of her chair.

“It completely terrifies me,” Castiel said, a grin starting to come over his face without him even thinking about it. “But it’s the greatest feeling I’ve ever had. Do you know what it’s like to wake up every day for years wishing you hadn’t made it through the night, when suddenly something changes? I didn’t really notice it for a while, but now…now I wake up every morning in Dean’s arms, and there’s already a smile on my face. It’s small, but it’s _there._ I don’t feel weak anymore, and even though it’s strange and kind of insane, I love it. I’ve never been more ready to just let myself fall and see what happens.”

“Wow,” Anna said, totally speechless. She’d never heard Cas talk like that before.

“Yeah, wow,” Cas said, leaning back in his chair a little. “I’m sorry if I’m being too relationship-centered, it’s just hard to talk about it with anyone here.”

“No, I get it,” Anna said. “Besides, I came here to see how you were doing; you’re _supposed_ to give me all the amazing details. I’d rather hear about that than have a conversation full of awkward silences.”

“True. But enough about me for now. Tell me how you’ve been,” Castiel said settling down a little more so he was more comfortable.

Anna started telling him all about how she got a new job at the library near their house that paid surprisingly well, and how she was getting ready to apply for college next year after taking some time off.

 

 

“What do you mean I can leave?” Dean asked slowly, eyeing Crowley down.

“I mean, at the end of this week, how’d you like to go home, Dean?” Crowley inquired, a half-smile tugging at his lips.

It took a moment for that sentence to really hit Dean. He was going home.

“You alright there?” Crowley chuckled, staring at the lost look on Dean’s face.

“Yeah, I…I think so,” Dean said, unsure. “I kind of feel a lot of things right now.”

“Like what?” Crowley asked, crossing his legs.

“Excited and scared and even a little sad,” Dean admitted, looking down in his lap for a moment. “I’m gonna miss everyone here.”

“I’m sure, especially Cas,” Crowley said understandingly.

 “Yeah, I mean…how long do you think he’s gonna be here? If you can tell me that kind of thing, I mean,” Dean asked hopefully. He knew it was probably a small chance that Crowley himself even knew the answer to that, but it was worth a shot.

“I have no idea,” Crowley said, confirming Dean’s doubts. “A while longer, I’d say. But if he keeps at the pace he’s going now, I’d guess he could be out of here in two or three more months…which in the grand scheme of things is actually not that long compared to other patients.”

Dean nodded as he tried to wrap his head around this whole thing. “So he could be out too in a few months then,” he said, attempting to make himself feel better. “I guess I’ll just have to visit him a lot between now and then.”

Crowley nodded in agreement before saying, “I think you should. As a therapist, I’m required to advise you to stay away from here and your connections so they don’t hold you back, but I find that all to be pretty ridiculous. You and Castiel have something special.”

“Yeah, we do,” Dean said with a slight grin.

“You’ve been doing more of that, you know,” Crowley told him.

“What?” Dean asked, slightly confused.

“Smiling.”

Dean thought about that for a moment. He _had_ been smiling more lately; meaning it too. Maybe that was another sign that he was on the path to getting better.

“I’m happy for you, Dean,” Crowley continued. “You’re gonna have a good life, you know that?”

“I think I’m starting to see it, yeah,” Dean said. The words fell shockingly easily from his mouth. “Maybe I can make something of myself after all.”

“I know you can. And when you do, I expect a thank you to me in whatever acceptance speech you’re stuck making,” Crowley smirked, pointing his pen at him.

“I’ll be sure to do that,” Dean replied with a smile. “And I’ll talk to you too when I come to visit Cas, if that’s okay.”

“Yeah, of course,” Crowley said. He picked up his pen and wrote something, down on the bottom of a piece of paper before tearing it off and handing it to him. “But in the meantime, this is a therapist I highly recommend when you leave.”

Dean sighed, expecting that he’d probably have to see someone outside the ward, but still slightly disappointed. “Thanks,” he said, pocketing the paper.

“He’s really great,” Crowley assured him. “I think you’ll get along well.”

“Thanks Crowley, really. For everything you’ve done for me,” Dean said, hoping his sincerity came through in his voice.

“You’re welcome, Dean. You deserve to get out, live your life the way you were meant to,” Crowley told him. He glanced over at the clock and back at him, putting his notebook down. “Well, it looks like we’re out of time. I’ll talk to you about the details more later, but this Friday morning you’ll be all set to leave. I’ll call your mom and brother and give them the good news.”

“Sounds great. Thanks again, Crowley,” Dean said as he stood up.

“Any time. See you tomorrow,” Crowley said, giving Dean a small salute as he left the room.

Dean leaned back against the door to Crowley’s office and just breathed for a moment. He still didn’t know how he felt exactly about being forced back into reality, but most of him felt like he could handle it.

Now all he had to do was tell Cas, and there was no way to predict how the hell he was gonna react to it. He might put up a front, but Dean knew he’d be at least a little heartbroken that he wouldn’t be leaving at the same time. Dean would just have to assure him that there was no way in hell he’d ever forget about him or leave him behind.

After a minute, Dean pushed himself off of Crowley’s door and turned the corner, hoping to find Cas soon. A few seconds later, when everyone else was released from their classes, Dean saw Cas mixed in with the crowd.

“Cas!” Dean called out, speed-walking over to him.

“Slow down there, slick,” Castiel chuckled as he stopped walking and leaned against the wall he was close to. “What’s up?”

Dean bit his tongue and considered his words carefully. Now that he was looking Cas in the eyes, he wasn’t so sure that he knew how to tell him. He wasn’t sure he even wanted to leave anymore when he was looking at the single greatest thing to ever happen to him. Even though he could come back and visit, he was a little scared for them. A lot could happen to Dean back at school and home, and a lot could happen to Cas in here. Then again, it was happening either way, so he might as well get it over with.

“Crowley says I’m gonna be able to leave,” Dean said slowly, watching Castiel’s face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, and your comments, kudos, etc. are seriously the lifeblood of this fic. I would seriously cuddle the hell out of you all if I could! 
> 
> castielfuckingnovak.tumblr.com


	21. Let This Last

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 21 officially up and running :D thanks so much for being so encouraging you guys!

Cas didn’t say anything for what felt like an eternity, his expression impossible to read, before he composed himself enough to ask, “When?”

“Friday morning,” Dean told him, awaiting whatever kind of rant of anger or happiness was about to come out of his boyfriend.

“Why are you making that face?” Castiel asked, squinting slightly at him.

“What face?” Dean asked, unclenching his fists at his side that he didn’t even realize he’d closed in the first place.

“Like you think I’m gonna knock you out or something,” Cas said, knowing what that looked like all too well. He’d made the same face way too many times, and he hated that Dean was afraid of whatever he might say or do when he heard the news.

“Sorry, I don’t mean to look that severe. I just don’t want you to be mad,” Dean said, rubbing the back of his neck. “Are you mad?”

“Dean,” Castiel said, his voice dropping so low it almost couldn’t be heard. He looked around before resting a hand on the side of Dean’s neck lovingly. “How could I ever be mad about something like that?”

Dean breathed a sigh of relief and leaned into the touch, needing that small comfort. He knew he didn’t have anything to really be afraid of when it came to Cas, but he didn’t know if he could take seeing him break down over something like this.

“I don’t know…I just love you so much, and I didn’t want my leaving to ruin anything,” Dean told him, reaching up and taking Castiel’s hand, intertwining their fingers. “I want to know you’ll be okay.”

“You’re told that you can get out of here, and your first thought was wanting to know if I’ll be okay?” Castiel asked, tears filling his eyes. He’d never had someone care that much about him before. “Dean Winchester, you’re the most selfless, amazing guy I’ve ever met. I can’t be mad you’re leaving…that means you’re getting better.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s what Crowley thinks anyways,” Dean said with a shrug and a shy smile. He ran his thumb over the top of Castiel’s hand and sighed. “You’re the greatest boyfriend in the world, you know that?”

“I’d say I’m pretty aware,” Castiel chuckled, looking down at their hands. “Seriously Dean, that’s amazing. I’m really happy for you.”

“Thanks,” Dean said appreciatively. “Crowley told me that if you keep going at the rate you are now, you’ll be out in a few months.”

“They always say that,” Castiel replied, not really believing it. He’d been told that he could leave in a short amount of time before, and that never ended up being the case…it was always false hope.

“Yeah, well Crowley meant it. I could see it in his face,” Dean assured Castiel. “You’ve just gotta keep trying, even when I’m gone…and I know that sounds selfish and stupid of me to think that you’ll stop trying, but I wanna make sure you know. Don’t even think about giving up hope for yourself, even for a minute.”

“I won’t,” Castiel said, looking from their hands to Dean’s eyes again. “Now I’ve got something to fight for on the outside.”

Dean blushed slightly and shook his head in annoyance at himself. “I don’t understand how it’s even possible for you to make me blush anymore, but you always do,” he chuckled.

“You’d better not stop either,” Castiel jokingly warned. “It’s one of the best things about talking to you…means I haven’t lost my charm, however egotistical that is.”

Dean smiled and swung their hands slightly. “You’ll never lose your charm. At least on me,” he said.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Cas teased.

“You’ll love it when we’re both eighty and I still blush like a moron whenever you call me beautiful,” Dean replied.

Cas looked at him curiously, tilting his head in that way Dean always found so endearing.

“What?” Dean asked, looking back at him thoughtfully.

“You think we’ll make it to be eighty together?” Castiel asked, searching Dean’s eyes. He knew it might have been a foolish thing to read into or set any of his hopes on, but that had to be a good sign, right?

“Well, yeah,” Dean said shyly, looking down at the floor for a moment. “I mean, I know it’s probably too soon to say for sure, but…I’d _like_ for it to be like that, anyway. I can see us making it.”

“And why is that?” Castiel inquired out of curiosity, leaning against the wall slightly.

“I don’t know many people who would stay with someone they cared about through them staying at a mental ward,” Dean said with a shrug. “Not because they didn’t really love them or anything…things just get hard to deal with sometimes. But we _met_ in one of these places. If we can accept and love each other while we’re here, I think that means we can make it through a lot more than other people can.”

“I’ve been thinking that too,” Castiel admitted, looking at Dean affectionately. “So I guess we’re really doing this, then. We’re gonna make this work.”

“Yeah we are,” Dean agreed, gently dropping Castiel’s hand when an orderly walked by.

“Then come on; we’ve gotta tell Andy and Chuck the good news,” Cas said encouragingly, motioning for Dean to go with him to the dining hall. Luckily, now it was dinner time.

Dean smiled and followed Castiel into the dining hall, where they got their food and sat down at their usual table. They were slightly surprised to see Ruby there as well, but didn’t make any comments about it.

“Hey guys,” Castiel greeted as they set their trays down.

They all nodded in acknowledgement before Chuck asked suspiciously, “What happened?”

“How the hell do you always know when something happens, Chuck?” Castiel asked, eyeing him.

“Because you guys are predictable. You’re usually like five minutes late to a meal, if that. So if you come in ten minutes after it’s started looking like you’ve got a secret, I put things together,” Chuck said with a shrug. “Call it the curse of a good writer.”

“Or a weird obsession, either way,” Dean joked with a laugh, taking a bite of his sandwich.

Andy gestured between Cas and Dean with his fork and gave them an expectant look. “So, are you gonna tell us or keep us in suspense?” he asked.

Dean looked at Castiel, wanting some sort of help with this. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to say it without sounding…arrogant or like he was happy to be getting away from all of them, because it was the farthest thing from the truth.

“You tell them; it’s your news,” Cas encouraged.

“Alright,” Dean said, taking a deep breath. “I don’t know why I’m nervous to tell you guys, but I guess I’ll just say it…I’m getting out this Friday.”

Chuck practically choked on his food, Andy’s eyes widened, and Ruby’s jaw dropped.

“You’re getting out? Dude, that’s awesome!” Chuck practically yelled.

“Yeah, congrats,” Andy agreed, grinning widely.

“That’s great, Dean,” Ruby said, a small smile on her face despite herself.

“Thanks guys,” Dean said appreciatively. “I wasn’t really sure how you’d react.”

“It’s not like we could be pissed at you,” Chuck pointed out. “Maybe a little jealous, but come on; give us a little credit.”

“No, you’re right,” Dean agreed with him. “Sorry, I’m still a little jumbled about how I feel about it.”

“I get that,” Andy said with a nod. “But you’ve gotta promise to come back and visit the rest of our crazy asses in here after you leave.”

“Are you kidding? I’ll be coming back all the time; at least once a week,” Dean swore. “Who knows, if I play my cards right maybe they’ll let me sit in on a meal with you guys.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Andy said hopefully.

“Are you scared at all?” Ruby asked, poking at the remnants of her food with her fork. “I mean, I haven’t even had one of those ‘you’ll be on your own’ meetings yet and I’m terrified of it.”

“Yeah, I am,” Dean said, looking at the table for a moment somewhat self-consciously. “But I’m gonna push through it. Right now I’m starting to think about my family and how they probably need me more than I know. My kid brother had to get a job while I was here to help out, so I hope when I get back he can quit and focus on school.”

“Is your brother smart?” Chuck asked.

“Are you sure you’re ready for this conversation?” Castiel asked with a small laugh. “If you get him to start talking about his brother there’s no going back.”

Dean shot him a playful warning glare before turning back to Chuck. “He’s insanely smart. He really wants to get into Stanford and become a lawyer, and there’s not a doubt in my mind that he can do it.”

The rest of dinner went in a similar way, making conversation about things that didn’t really matter but made them all feel better in bringing up. It had been what seemed like forever since Dean had gotten a chance to talk about his brother, so he was grateful to get that out.

 

 

On Dean’s final night in the hospital, once Dean and Cas made it back to their room Cas turned around and threw his arms around Dean’s shoulders.

“So, what are we gonna do now?” Castiel asked, lightly stroking his fingers over the skin at the base of Dean’s neck.

“I’ve got a few ideas,” Dean trailed off, moving Cas’ shirt out of the way slightly so he can rest his hands on his bare hips. He started rubbing his thumbs in circles on the skin near Castiel’s pelvis, smirking at him.

“You do?” Castiel asked teasingly, grinning as he looked from Dean’s hands back into his eyes.

“You bet…but this time I run things,” Dean said, scraping his nails lightly against Castiel’s hip bones.

“Shit,” Castiel cursed under his breath, letting out a small shiver at the sensation. He couldn’t deny that the mere thought of Dean taking control already had him hot and bothered.

Dean gave a half-smile at Cas’ reaction, loving that he could do this to the confident man in front of him. Leading them over to his bed, he pushed Castiel back onto the mattress and threw his shirt aside.

“I could get used to this,” Cas grinned, sitting up and taking his own shirt off as well.

“Good. Now lie down; I wanna try something,” Dean encouraged, climbing onto the bed and kissing Cas briefly.

Castiel did exactly as he was told, because _damn_ if hearing Dean give him orders wasn’t the hottest thing he’d ever heard. He spread his legs too as he watched Dean crawl in between them, biting his lip in anticipation.

“What are you-,” Cas barely managed to get out before Dean put his lips over the growing bulge in Castiel’s pants and started mouthing at it. He moaned incoherently and dropped his head back down to the pillow, growing more frustrated by the second. “Such a tease.”

“But you love it,” Dean murmured, pulling away enough to undo Castiel’s belt and undo his pants. Before he pulled them off, he palmed Castiel’s crotch and marveled at the way the other teenager tried to stifle a moan. “Come on, Cas…let me hear you.”

Cas didn’t even have time to think before he groaned and bucked his hips up slightly. “Shit,” he murmured, looking down at Dean with lust blown eyes.

Dean took his hand away and focused on getting Castiel’s pants and underwear off. Once they were on the floor, he took a moment to just admire Castiel.

“What are you doing?’ Castiel asked with a small laugh as he watched Dean smile down at him.

“Just looking at you,” Dean grinned, reaching down and brushing his fingers over Cas’ chest and torso. He leaned over so their bodies were almost pressed together and kissed him. “You’re so beautiful.”

“Sex makes you romantic,” Cas teased, resting a hand over Dean’s heart.

“I know, I should shut up,” Dean said, tracing Castiel’s collar bone.

“No, don’t. I like it,” Cas smiled, reaching his hand up to run through Dean’s hair.

“You asked for it, angel,” Dean said, leaning in again to kiss him slowly.

Cas smiled against Dean’s mouth and settled his hand in Dean’s waistband. When they pulled apart for air, he tugged at the fabric. “Take them off,” he murmured.

Dean just smirked and sat up, taking off his own pants and underwear with relative ease. When they were both blissfully naked, he practically laid down so their bodies were touching and latched his mouth onto Castiel’s neck.

“Fuck,” Castiel whispered, closing his eyes at the pleasure.

“I love you,” Dean whispered against Cas’ skin, nipping at his pulse point and soothing it with his tongue.

Cas hummed happily, letting himself really feel all of this. It struck him that this was the last time they’d be able to do this for who knows how long, so he needed to enjoy every second of it.

“I love you too,” Castiel whispered back, extending his neck so Dean would have more room.

As Dean sucked a mark into the skin, his hand traced down Castiel’s side and rested at his hip.

“Dean, please,” Cas moaned, starting to rut their cocks together out of sheer need.

Dean let out a strangled groan and lifted his head, kissing Castiel again as he started to thrust his hips agonizingly slowly. “Tell me what you want, Cas,” he whispered against his mouth.

“I want you inside me,” Cas whispered heatedly, gently digging his nails into Dean’s back.

Dean moaned and reached over to the nightstand, taking out lube and a condom. Castiel shook his head and took the condom out of Dean’s hand, placing it back on the nightstand.

“I want to feel all of you,” Castiel says quietly, spreading his legs a little wider.

Dean felt his eyes darken as he looked at Cas and nodded, uncapping the lube and putting some on his fingers.

Cas smirked and lifted his hips when Dean reached down to circle his entrance and gently push a finger inside. He hummed and pulled Dean’s face down to kiss him, pushing his tongue inside his mouth.

Dean completely melted into Castiel, running his tongue along his boyfriend’s and memorizing every detail of how perfect this felt. It didn’t take long for him to push another finger in, and he crooked them in search of the spot that would make Cas’ world go white.

Castiel cried out when he felt Dean’s fingers brush against his prostate, bucking his hips at the same time.

“Sensitive, huh?” Dean asked in a low voice, trying to just barely touch the same place over and over again.

All Cas could do was moan and shakily breathe out. He was already painfully hard, and he moved one of his hands down to wrap around his dick.

“Let me do that,” Dean said gently, using his free hand to take Castiel’s away and place it on the mattress.

Cas whined softly, but didn’t put up a fight when he felt Dean wrap his hand around his length.

“Just like that,” Cas praised softly, grinding himself back on Dean’s fingers and swallowing audibly at the overwhelming feelings surrounding him.

The corners of Dean’s mouth curled up in a small smile as he kissed where Castiel’s neck and shoulder met, then pressed his lips all along his collar bone, giving a gentle bite at the other side. All the while, his hand tightened on every upstroke and he scissored his fingers until Cas felt open enough.

Eventually Dean pulled his fingers out and stared at Castiel lovingly, smiling at the whimper he let out. He grabbed the lube again and spread it along his dick before lining himself up with Cas’s hole.

Leaning down to brush their lips together as they breathed, Dean slowly pushed himself inside.

Cas moaned and wrapped his legs around Dean’s waist, closing his eyes and tightening his grip on Dean’s back. It all felt so intimate, breathing each other in while Dean’s hips finally touched his own. They stayed like that for a short while, Cas pushing through the small burst of pain that came along with this.

“Okay,” Castiel whispered, relaxing slightly at knowing that Dean was going to take care of him.

Dean lifted his face up a little so he could look at Castiel more clearly, and started to thrust shallowly.

“Please look at me, angel,” Dean whispered, putting his hand on the side of Castiel’s face.

Cas opened his eyes and looked at Dean almost reverently as he moaned from how incredible it felt.

Dean was ready to lose his mind with such tight heat enveloping him with every move he made. “Fuck, you feel so good,” he murmured mindlessly.

Cas exhaled heavily and a small sound escaped his lips at the drag of Dean pulling out almost all the way before rolling his hips into him again.

“Dean…shit,” Castiel groaned, starting to meet him thrust for thrust. He pressed on Dean’s back, bringing him impossibly closer, and clung to him.

Dean moved one of his hands to Castiel’s hip and dragged it across until it was just above Cas’ pelvis, massaging the skin there.

Castiel tightened slightly and Dean moaned through his teeth, starting to thrust a little faster. He changed the angle of his hips, watching all the expressions that made their way across Castiel’s face.

When Dean hit Castiel’s prostate again, Cas moaned loudly and fought to keep his eyes open.

“ _Dean,_ ” Cas groaned, scraping his nails down Dean’s shoulder blades.

Dean hummed in content and kept his hips steady, making sure to drive Castiel wild as he moved his hand to cradle the side of his neck. He rested their foreheads together and started panting, determined to make Castiel come undone for him.

“Oh god, right there,” Castiel choked out, grinding back against Dean when he thrust particularly hard. “Dean, I’m close.”

“Come for me, Cas. I love you so much,” Dean rambled quietly.

Several thrusts later Castiel came in between them, moaning Dean’s name as he tightened around him and painted their stomachs white.

As soon as Dean saw the look on Cas’ face when he came, Dean knew he was done for.

“Cas,” Dean groaned as his hips stuttered and he came inside, slowing his hips until eventually they stopped.

He leaned down and kissed Castiel as he pulled out, grabbing one of his hands and intertwining their fingers, kissing up Cas’s arm.

Cas whined at the emptiness, but remained completely focused on watching Dean in wonder. He didn’t care that Castiel was covered in scars or that he’d been so lost for so long…he just loved him completely, and that was more than Cas could ever hope for.

“I love you,” Castiel murmured happily as Dean looked up from his arm to lock with the blue eyes below him.

“I love you too, Cas. More than anything,” Dean replied, connecting their lips again. “Come here, I want to hold you.”

Dean rolled off of Castiel and laid on his side, pulling the other teenager into his arms.

“I’m gonna miss this,” Castiel whispered, tangling their legs together and scooting close to him.

“Me too,” Dean whispered back, hating that this was the last time for who knows how long until they’d be able to do this again. “But you’re gonna be out soon…I can feel it.”

“Thanks,” Cas replied, nuzzling into Dean’s chest, kissing his collar bone. “And when I get out we can go on a real date.”

“We’ll go on the best date anyone’s ever been on,” Dean agreed playfully, running his fingers up and down Castiel’s spine. “I’ll give you flowers and take you out to dinner, then we can go see a movie…walk around in the park…it’ll be cheesy and amazing.”

“That sounds fantastic; I’ll hold you to that,” Cas said, tracing random lines across Dean’s skin. “And I expect you to visit.”

“I’m gonna visit you all the time. I work a lot, but I’m gonna try to come in every two or three days to see you,” Dean promised. If he kept the same work schedule, that would be easy enough.

“Great,” Cas said, yawning softly. “What time are you leaving?”

“Not until eight,” Dean answered. “I was hoping you could breakfast off for a few minutes to say goodbye.”

“You know you’re more important to me than breakfast,” Castiel smiled. “I’d love to say goodbye to you.”

“Good,” Dean said, yawning as well. “We should probably sleep, shouldn’t we?”

“Yeah,” Castiel said, hoping the sadness in his voice didn’t come through too much. “Night, love.”

“Night, angel,” Dean whispered, kissing the top of his head as he fell asleep. He didn’t want to have to face whatever was out there when they eventually had to wake up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> But what will it be like when Dean finally goes home?? O.O stay tuned haha :) 
> 
> I love you all so much, thanks for all your positive reviews! <3
> 
> castielfuckingnovak.tumblr.com


	22. Back at Last

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's do this thing :) I hope you guys like it! Thanks for being so awesome and supportive about this fic <3

The next morning, Dean was ready to go out and meet his mom and brother when Cas stopped him at the door. He spun him around and kissed him for what had to be the thirtieth time since they woke up, but Dean was far from complaining.

“I love you,” Castiel said, embracing him tightly and burying his face in Dean’s neck.

“I love you too,” Dean replied, closing his eyes as he hugged Castiel back. “I’ll come back as soon as I can to see you.”

“I know you will,” Castiel murmured. “Just promise me you’re gonna do great out there. You’re gonna get caught up at school and make a shitload of friends.”

“I don’t know about that, but I’ll try,” Dean said with a small smile. “I’ll have to take some summer courses if I wanna graduate, but that’s alright I guess. Maybe we can even enroll in some of the same ones.”

Castiel loved Dean’s hopefulness, and he kissed his neck before pulling back enough to look at him.

“Yeah, we should,” Cas said, threading his fingers into the hairs at the base of his skull. “God, I want you to have everything, Dean.”

Dean sighed fondly and kissed Castiel slowly, tightening his grip on his waist so their bodies were pressed together. He needed to memorize every detail of this, fearing that the few days they’d be apart would feel like an eternity when they were actually passing by.

“And I want that for you too,” Dean whispered, leaning their foreheads together. “I’ve got all the faith in the world in you.”

And damn, was it remarkable to hear Dean say that. Castiel didn’t have to do a lot of digging to figure out from the start that Dean had lost his faith in pretty much everything…and yet here he was, saying that he thought Cas could do this. Dean believed in him after a time when he couldn’t find anything solid to hold on to.

“That means a lot,” Castiel said, hoping how much he appreciated it would come through in his voice. “I’m glad we met like this, Dean.”

Dean smiled and moved one of his hands up to Castiel’s face, stroking his thumb over his cheekbone. He felt Cas lean into the touch a little and sighed.

“Me too,” Dean replied gently. He kissed him one final time and reluctantly lowered his arms, holding one of Cas’ hands. “Be back in a few days; love you, angel.”

“Love you too,” Cas said, stroking his thumb over Dean’s hand.

Dean dropped his hand and smiled at Cas one last time before he turned around and walked out the door, his things in a bag that was slung over his shoulder.

Dean heard Cas start walking in the direction of the dining hall after he was several steps down the hallway, but made no effort to turn back. If he saw him again, he might break down and beg someone to let him stay; this all felt too real now, but there was no going back.

When Dean rounded a corner and saw his mom and Sam standing there talking to Charlie, he thought he was going to cry. Sure, he’d seen them loads of times while he was there, but this time was different. Instead of watching them walk out the door and then heading off to whatever therapy session he had next, he was leaving with them.

“Sammy,” Dean called, already grinning like an idiot.

Sam turned his head quickly and smiled back when they made eye contact. “Dean!” he called, running over to him.

Dean held his arms open and hugged Sam for all he was worth, pushing down the tears in his eyes.

“Good to see ya, Sammy,” Dean murmured, pulling away to look at him properly.

“You too,” Sam replied, obviously over the moon that now Dean got to come back home. “God, I can’t believe you’re really coming home. Feels like you’ve been gone for years.”

“Tell me about it,” Dean agreed with a small laugh. “How have you and mom been holding up?”

“We’ve been good. I mean, things are hectic, but that was kind of expected going into all of this,” Sam shrugged.

“Well one of the first things I want you to do when we get home is quit that stupid ass job you have,” Dean said, ruffling Sam’s hair. “You don’t need to have it anymore now that I’m back. Besides, school is more important.”

“And it’s not for you?” Sam raised an eyebrow at him.

“Kind of, but you’re the smart little brother that’s gonna be a big-shot lawyer…so you’re gonna quit your job,” Dean insisted. There wasn’t room for argument here.

“Alright, fair enough,” Sam said. “I wasn’t really having a great time working anyway.”

“Where’d you end up?” Dean asked, curious. It only just hit him that he’d never found out.

“Jen’s Diner,” Sam told him, rolling his eyes at himself.

“You didn’t,” Dean laughed. Jen’s Diner had to be one of the worst places to eat in Lawrence with its greasy sub-par food and lack of atmosphere. No one ever really went there because they wanted to; it was just out of boredom or for coffee. “Dude, that had to have been the worst job ever.”

“Oh it was hell, trust me,” Sam validated. “I’m not cut out to be a waiter; it’s too stressful.”

“Don’t stress out about that. I could never be a waiter…customer service isn’t exactly my strongsuit,” Dean said. “But all the more reason to quit. I can start up again at the garage on Monday and hopefully that’ll be enough for us.”

“Yeah, it should be. But if you need any help you know I’ll always jump right back in,” Sam offered with a grin.

“Yeah I know, bitch,” Dean joked, throwing his arm around Sam’s shoulder. “Don’t you have school right now?”

“Maybe,” Sam laughed. “But I’ve got a perfect attendance record and there’s no way in hell I was gonna miss my big brother coming home.”

Dean couldn’t hold down the feeling of pride that gave him. Sam was one of the few people left that he knew genuinely loved him. “Come on, I wanna say hi to mom,” he said.

Despite his last few meetings with his mom being awkward to say the least, Dean still loved her. She was trying really hard, but John’s death was still hard for her to deal with…and Dean couldn’t blame her for that. It was time they tried to put this all behind them and move forward; it was what his father would have wanted.

“Hey mom,” Dean greeted in a slightly softer voice as he and Sam approached her and Charlie.

“Dean, it’s so good to see you,” Mary said happily, hugging him.

“You just saw me last week mom,” Dean chuckled when they pulled apart.

“But not like this. I can’t help it if I’m excited,” Mary replied. “How do you feel?”

“Like I’ll be okay,” Dean nodded, putting his hands in his pockets. “I guess that’s all I can ask for, right?”

“You’re right,” Mary grinned, turning back to Charlie. “Was that the last paper I had to sign?”

“Yep, he’s all set,” Charlie said, giving Dean a supportive glance. “Good luck out there, Dean; you can do it. And if you ever wanna come back and visit, you’re welcome anytime.”

“Thanks Charlie. I’ll be back to visit as soon as I get settled again,” Dean said.

“You have everything?” Mary checked, looking down at Dean’s bag. “I already got your things that they took off of you from the accident.”

“Great, then yeah, that’s everything,” Dean said. “Bye Charlie; thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” Charlie said, waving as Dean and his family turned to walk out of the hospital.

 

 

When they all got to the parking garage, Dean stared at mom’s car for a second. He hadn’t thought about getting in a car after this was all over.

“Um,” Dean hesitated, stopping in his tracks for a moment.

Sam and Mary turned around at the same time and saw the worried look on Dean’s face, instantly realizing what this was about.

“Oh,” Mary sighed, looking from Dean to the car. “I’m so sorry honey, I didn’t realize-.”

“No,” Dean interrupted her, shaking his head. He could do this; it was just a car. He couldn’t go the rest of his life being terrified of them, and he might as well start getting over whatever fear he had of them now. It was a short ride home from the hospital anyway. “I can do it. I didn’t spend months in there to be too freaked out to get in a car…I can do it.”

Dean was trying to convince himself more than his mom, starting to do a steady breathing exercise that Crowley had taught him for his night terrors.

“Okay. But if you get uncomfortable during the ride just tell me and I’ll pull over,” Mary offered, opening the trunk.

“Alright,” Dean said, not missing the worried look that Sam was giving him. “I’m okay Sam, really. Just took me a little by surprise.”

“Sure, I get that. Let me know if I can help you or anything,” Sam said.

Dean fought back the urge to say something about how he wasn’t as fragile as he and his mother were treating him, thinking it might not be the best move to make right now. They both cared about him, and that was no reason to snap at them; Cas would’ve slapped him upside the head if he did.

Dean nodded as he put his bag in the trunk of the car, taking his time. He knew it wouldn’t do anything in the long run if he kept putting it off though, so eventually he closed the trunk and sighed. This would be fine, he just had to continue telling himself that.

When Dean finally made himself open the car door, he got in the backseat next to Sam.

Mary didn’t offer for Dean to sit up front, figuring that would bring back a lot of terrible memories.

“Want to pick a station, Dean?” she asked.

“Yeah, classic rock,” Dean replied, trying to relax as he started to hear the middle of Back in Black start playing on the radio.

The entire ride home was stressful to say the least, but Dean did better than he thought. He survived by gripping onto the edge of his seat and making small talk with Sam, but it was a quick and easy drive.

As soon as they got back to their house, Dean practically jumped out of the car in a combination of joy and relief. He felt like he could breathe again.

“Welcome back, jerk,” Sam said, giving Dean an encouraging pat on the shoulder. “How does it feel?”

“Really good,” Dean breathed, looking up at their house. “I didn’t think it would, but…I swear it does.”

“Why did you think it wouldn’t be great to sleep in your own bed again?” Sam asked, realizing as soon as the words left his mouth what part of the reason must have been.

“That’s part of the reason,” Dean said, acknowledging what Sam’s look implied. He took his things out of the car and shut the trunk, starting to follow their mom inside. “But I’m also a little scared. I still don’t know how things are gonna be when I go back to school.”

“I don’t think anyone’s gonna give you shit, if that’s what you’re nervous about,” Sam replied. “I told everyone who wouldn’t stop asking me about you to leave it alone when you got back.”

Dean’s eyes widened slightly as they walked inside and closed the door behind them.

“You _actually_ threatened people?” Dean asked, hardly able to believe it. “What happened to my peacekeeping brother?”

Sam shrugged and threw his jacket over the back of the couch.

“Thanks man,” Dean said honestly. He might have been able to handle himself if anyone tried to get to him, but that didn’t mean he wanted to deal with it. In fact, that was the last thing he wanted to deal with. He still didn’t know how he was going to answer questions either…had he been sick? That seemed like a bit of a cop-out, but at least it might stop the interrogations.

“Anytime,” Sam replied easily. “You want something for breakfast?”  

“Yeah, that’d be great,” Dean said. “I’ll go put my stuff in my room, but tell mom I’m up for anything.”

“Sure,” Sam said, turning to go back to their mother.

When Dean walked into his room, he started smiling. It finally felt like he was home. It seemed like forever since he’d last gotten to look at all the classic rock posters on his wall, or the dark blue paint on the ceiling that he looked at every morning when he woke up.

“God…feels like nothing’s changed,” Dean murmured to himself, setting his bag down on his bed.

Suddenly it was just like he was coming home from another day at school. He didn’t feel so out of place like he did when he was with Sam or his mom, whose behavior was constantly reminding him that he’d been gone. Dean was tempted to just lie down and take a nap, but that could wait for later.

 

 

That night at dinner, Mary asked the perfect question to bring up Castiel.

“So…what were the best things about staying there?” she asked, smiling at Dean across the table.

“Uh, there were a few things I liked,” Dean said awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck as he stabbed his steak with a fork. “My therapist was cool, so I liked spending time with him…but the best thing was definitely Cas.”

He loved that his mom was being so supportive about this, because he didn’t know how he would live if he had to hide another part of himself.

“You two are cute together,” Mary said with a smile. “How did he take the news of you leaving? I didn’t see him around this morning.”

“We said goodbye before I went to see you guys,” Dean said, taking a bite of his food. It was nice to have a good home-cooked meal again. “I didn’t know if I’d actually be able to leave if he was standing right next to me when I had to go.”

Mary looked up at Dean with a small smile.

“It’s sweet how much you like him,” she said. “And who would’ve thought you would meet in a place like that?”

“Yeah, really,” Dean said, huffing a small laugh. “I even, uh…I even told him I love him.”

“Really?” Mary asked, raising her eyebrows in shock. “I didn’t know things were that serious yet.”

“They are,” Dean verified. “I’ve never felt this way about someone before.”

“You’ve definitely got it bad,” Sam smirked, accepting the playful push on the side of his head that he got in return.

“I know,” Dean said, taking a bite of his food.

“I guess that means you’ll be going back to visit him then?” Mary inquired.

“Yeah,” Dean smiled. “I’m thinking of going back on Monday after school. Just so we can get used to being on our own over the weekend, you know?”

“I think that’s a great idea,” Mary agreed. “It’s really unfortunate that you can’t text or anything…you think he’ll be okay there without you?”

Dean huffed a laugh before saying, “He got along for a few months without me; I think he’ll be fine on his own a little while longer. Besides, I’ll keep seeing him…if anyone’s gonna get out of there, it’s him.”

“Well that’s good. I liked him a lot when we met,” Mary said supportively. “Tell him I say hello when you get the chance.”

“I will,” Dean replied.

 

 

That Monday morning, Dean was reminded how painful it was to get up at six o’clock when there was no one by your side. He even reached out to search for Castiel’s body, like he had on Saturday and Sunday as well, but groaned when he was reminded that Cas wasn’t there.

“Let’s not,” Dean grumbled as he forced himself to sit up and rub his eyes.

The closer he’d gotten to going back to school, the more he’d realized that he wasn’t as prepared as he thought he was. It wasn’t even about what people would say anymore; now it was worry for projects and assignments and tests…it seemed like he’d never catch up at this point.

Dean got dressed without thinking about it, throwing on a t-shirt, jeans, and a hoodie. He’d left one of his jackets back at the hospital with Cas, and part of him hoped that Cas had already worn it when he was gone.

He didn’t bother with his hair as he walked downstairs to the smell of pancakes and bacon.

When Dean reached the kitchen, he looked around in shock. There was practically a buffet of pancakes, bacon, strawberries, eggs, and toast.

“Uh, mom? Are you okay?” Dean asked, scanning over the immense amount of food.

“Yeah,” Mary said easily, looking up from the pancake she was working on making. “Why do you ask?”

“Because you never do this,” Dean said, cautiously sitting down across from Sam at the table. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s awesome, but it’s…new.”

Mary shrugged and put another pancake on the table.

“Well it’s not every day that my son goes back to school after getting home from the hospital,” she said, trying to have a cheerful spin on what happened.

“That’s true,” Dean said, taking a bite of a piece of bacon. “Thanks, mom.”

After finishing two pancakes and a piece of toast, Sam interrupted Dean’s eating by saying, “We’ve gotta head out. You still driving?”

“Yeah, let’s go,” Dean said, standing up and downing his water. “Bye mom.”

“Bye boys,” Mary called as Dean picked up his backpack and left with Sam for school.

 

 

When Dean and Sam got to school, Sam gave him an encouraging look.

“You’ll do great, Dean. Don’t sweat it,” Sam assured him.

“What makes you think I’m sweating it?” Dean asked almost accusingly. Now even _he_ could tell he was on edge.

“You’re still gripping the steering wheel,” Sam said, his eyes flicking down to Dean’s white knuckles that remained in place on the steering wheel.

“Oh,” Dean said, pulling his hands off and shaking his head. “Sorry. It’s whatever; I’ll be fine. Let’s just get today over with.”

 

 

Dean entered the school just in time for first period to start, and he sat down in the back corner of the class. He took out his phone and tried to look busy, really not in the mood to talk to anyone.

“Hey Dean,” Michael, the asshole he used to be friends with, greeted as he walked up to him.

Dean sighed and put his phone down as he made eye contact with Michael.

“Hey,” Dean muttered, crossing his arms. Michael was honestly the last person he wanted to talk to right now. “Look, I don’t know what you want, but I’m not in the mood. Get lost.”

Michael immediately looked taken aback, but his expression made its way back to neutral almost as quickly.

“I heard you were in a psych ward,” Michael said. He glanced around them before leaning in a little closer and continuing in a lower voice, “I don’t know what happened, alright? And you don’t have to tell me; I lost the right to know a while ago. But I’m sorry for everything, man. You didn’t deserve any of the shit I gave you…and I feel really guilty about it. I can’t help but think that maybe if I hadn’t messed with you so much, you wouldn’t have…I don’t know, gone off the deep end.”

Dean just stared at Michael, too stunned to say anything. He wasn’t sure if he was pissed beyond belief that he was even trying to apologize, or if he was glad that Michael was finally trying to make things right.

“Yeah, maybe I wouldn’t have,” was all Dean said, still giving him a dead stare.

“Well anyway, I just wanted to say I’m sorry,” Michael murmured. “And if there’s anything I can do to help, I’ve got your back.”

“You just can’t let anyone know about it because I’m the outcast of the school, right?” Dean asked. He knew he was being bitter, but he couldn’t help it. After everything Michael had done to him, he wasn’t about to just forgive it all.

“I’m sorry,” Michael repeated. “Just know that I’ll tell my friends to leave you alone, and help you out however I can.”

“Sure,” Dean said, uncrossing his arms and taking out his phone. He looked up at Michael one last time and grumbled, “Thanks.”

Michael nodded and walked back to his desk, leaving Dean comfortable and alone.

 

 

At lunch, Dean walked outside to one of the tables in a far corner when someone grabbed his collar and turned him around.

“What the fuck?” Dean asked in irritation, turning around to face the school hard-ass, Azazel.

“I should be the one asking you that, Winchester,” Azazel said, shoving Dean backwards. “You’ve been gone for a while now. Heard your dad ate it.”

Dean swallowed thickly and rolled his eyes, trying to seem like the other teenager wasn’t getting to him.

“Just leave me alone, man,” Dean said, taking a few steps back and putting his hands up to show he wasn’t looking for trouble.

“Why?” Azazel asked with a laugh. “Everyone hates you, Dean. When we all heard about the accident, we were all hoping you were finally out of our lives for good. Who are you doing any favors in still being alive, anyways?”

Dean opened his mouth to say something, but Azazel raised his hand and hit the side of Dean’s face before he could.

“I bet whenever your mom or that little brother you love so much look at you, all they see is the replaceable faggot son. The one who could’ve just as easily died, and left them with a husband and father,” Azazel taunted. “But they got stuck with the kid who’s got nothing to offer anyone.”

“You’d better shut the fuck up,” Dean warned, feeling tears stinging behind his eyes. He knew he shouldn’t listen to anything Azazel said, but it still got to him. Those thoughts crossed his mind a thousand times a day; he didn’t need to be reminded of them.

“Or what?” Azazel asked, shoving Dean so hard he fell back on the ground. “You’ve never done anything, Dean.”

Azazel leaned down and spat on Dean, an evil grin on his face. He slowly stood up and kicked Dean in the stomach, hard, letting out a small laugh.

“Glad to have you back, Winchester,” Azazel called, heading back into the school.

Dean moaned in pain and curled in on himself. Pain was searing through his gut, and he closed his eyes as he tried to get his breathing back to normal. It was hard to think about anything other than the agony tearing through him, and he didn’t miss how people walked by him every now and then, not doing anything.

He finally managed to stand up and limp to class when lunch was over, but he’d never felt so full of hatred.

 

 

After school, Dean made the decision not to tell Sam about Azazel. It wouldn’t make a difference, and it wasn’t like Sam could tell him to fuck off. No one could make Azazel stop once he’d chosen someone to terrorize, and Dean didn’t want to draw any more attention to himself.

When they reached their house, Dean didn’t make a move to get out of the car.

“I’m gonna go visit Cas. I’ll be back before dinner,” Dean said.

“Alright. See ya later,” Sam said, getting out and walking inside.

Dean sighed and waited in thought. For the most part, the school day had been fine. Overwhelming, but fine. Azazel was the only problem, but he and his friends could be the biggest issue of all if they decided to gang up on him. He’d just have to try to remain in control of it for the moment and keep quiet.

What he really needed right now was Cas.

Dean shook his head and started the Impala again, heading for the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! :) Right now I'd say there are sadly only several chapters left in this story, but you've all been so amazing about this. I'll keep it going for as long as I get good ideas, but it's unfortunately nearing its end. I'll keep you posted on how many chapters are left, but if I had to guess I'd say maybe another three or four.   
> Even after this fic ends, I'll start writing a different one so no worries :) I just thought I'd give you all a heads up on the amount that you can expect now from this.
> 
>  
> 
> castielfuckingnovak.tumblr.com


	23. As Normal As It Gets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 23 ready almost a whole day before-hand! Summer is definitely doing my writing a lot of favors. I hope you all like it, and your reviews are always great to get :)

To say that Castiel’s first weekend without Dean was rough would have been a complete understatement. He didn’t think he’d ever felt so alone, but he knew he had no right to wish Dean was back. That would be insensitive, and he hoped that Dean never ended up in a place like the ward again.

Even though Castiel was confident that Dean would come back and visit, it was slightly unnerving to not even have a way of contacting him. The best chance he could think of for that was maybe Balthazar lending him his phone for five minutes…but even that was a long shot.

Cas had a lot of trouble falling asleep on Friday night with the room feeling colder than usual. Eventually he had gotten up and put Dean’s hoodie on, but even then he found himself missing the familiar arm around his waist.

Now, however, he would finally get to see Dean again. At least, that’s what he was hoping.

It was Monday, and Cas figured that maybe Dean would come in after his first day back at school, but he tried not to get his hopes up.

Just as he walked out of his music lesson and was about to spend his free hour with Andy, Gabe tapped him on the shoulder.

“Heya Cas,” Gabe said.

Castiel gave him a small smile and put his hands in his pockets.

“Hey Gabe, what’s up?” Castiel asked, hoping he didn’t seem too desperate for good news.

“There’s a very handsome blond waiting for you in the visiting room,” Gabe said, raising his eyebrows playfully.

“Really?” Castiel asked, maybe a little too enthusiastically.

“Go get him, tiger,” Gabe prompted, gesturing in the direction of the visiting room.

“Thanks, Gabe,” Castiel said, immediately starting down the hall.

Cas threw open the door to the visiting room to see Dean standing there with a grin plastered to his face.

“Cas,” Dean said, closing the distance between them and throwing his arms around Castiel’s waist.

“Dean,” Cas whispered back, closing his eyes and hugging him back passionately. He hadn’t realized just how much he needed this until now. “God, I missed you so much.”

“I missed you too,” Dean murmured, clinging to Castiel. He already felt a little better; Cas always had that effect on him.

Castiel felt Dean pull back just enough to kiss him, and smiled against his lips. At least now they didn’t have to worry about anyone finding them like this. He leaned his forehead against Dean’s when they pulled apart, but made no move to sit down. At this point, that felt all too far away from Dean.

“I’m glad you came back,” Castiel said. “I knew you would, but still…I didn’t think a weekend away from someone could hurt so badly.”

“Me neither,” Dean agreed, squeezing Castiel’s hips slightly. “We should sit; I don’t know about you, but I’ve had an insanely long day.”

“Alright,” Castiel said, reluctantly moving away and sitting down in one of the chairs, scooting it closer to the other.

Dean sat down as well, giving Castiel only a slightly forced smile as a small pain shot through his stomach when he slouched.

“How was school?” Castiel asked, reaching across the short distance between their chairs to take Dean’s hand in his.

“It went about as well as I expected,” Dean shrugged, running his thumb over the top of Castiel’s hand.

Cas frowned and looked at Dean skeptically.

“Does that mean that things went horribly and you were a mess with anxiety? Because that’s what all your predictions sounded like to me,” Cas replied.

“No, not that badly,” Dean lied, feeling a pang of guilt. “Just, you know. People asked about where I was, Michael talked to me…that kind of thing.”

Castiel raised an eyebrow and gave Dean a look that basically asked if he seriously thought he was that much of an idiot.

“And?” Cas pressed. “You can’t come in here and tell me that everything’s fine. I know you, Dean.”

Dean sighed. He supposed this was the downside to having someone who knew you so well. You couldn’t keep them in the dark about something you didn’t really want to talk about…they already knew something was wrong.

“I might’ve had a bit of a confrontation with Azazel,” Dean said with a shrug. “It’s no big deal though.”

Castiel’s eyes widened.

“Azazel?” Castiel asked. “Dean, how could you not tell me that?”

“Because it’s not important,” Dean insisted. “I really don’t wanna talk about it, Cas.”

“Well this is personal to me, Dean. Azazel used to attack me when I went to school with you, and it was fucking awful. Give me a break if I wanna know what happened. What did he do to you?” Castiel asked.

Dean opened his mouth to argue, but quickly decided that wasn’t going to do anything. He was going to talk to him about it sooner or later, so might as well make it sooner. Besides, he hadn’t known that Azazel bullied Cas; no wonder he was adamant about knowing.

“He yelled at me, shoved me down, kicked me in the stomach,” Dean said with a shrug, trying to make it seem like it wasn’t as bad as it was.

“Dean,” Castiel said firmly, not buying for a second that this wasn’t affecting Dean in the way he was trying to convince him. “Are you alright?” His eyes flicked down to Dean’s stomach instinctively.

“You want me to be honest?” Dean asked, basically stalling at this point. He didn’t wait for Cas to reply before he continued. “I’m fucking awful…getting beaten up sucks ass, and some of the things he said…”

“You don’t have to tell me,” Castiel soothed, putting his other hand on Dean’s knee. “I’m so sorry that happened to you. You don’t deserve it, and I hope you know that.”

Dean nodded slightly and blinked back the tears from his eyes.

“I know, but it’s hard,” Dean said quietly. “I thought maybe I could get through the day without anyone really getting to me, and I couldn’t. I just fucking _laid there_ and took it, and I’ve never been more pissed off at myself.”

“Listen to me, Dean,” Castiel started cautiously, wanting to be supportive. “I know that you always want to be the guy who stands up for everyone else. You want to stand up for yourself too, and be someone that everyone else is afraid to mess with, but you’ve gotta let that go. It’s good to be able to do that, but don’t kick yourself over not being able to fight back. Think about it…if you fought back, that would have caused a scene. Granted, Azazel deserves it for everything he’s done, but it would’ve gotten the both of you into trouble. I know I can’t make you do anything, but if I were you, I would go to the principal and tell him what happened, maybe get a witness or two. That way, Azazel goes down and you don’t. You’re the better person for not picking a fight, Dean; and you should believe that.”

Dean listened carefully to everything Cas had to say, and realized that he could breathe steadily again. Hearing Castiel reason it out with him was already helping more than he thought it would.

“You’re right,” Dean agreed. Cas had a point; even though Azazel deserved it, there were other ways of making sure he got what was coming to him. “Never knew you were such a pacifist,” he said, trying to lighten the mood.

“I wouldn’t say I’m a pacifist so much as I am an advocate for the best possible option,” Castiel said with a small raise of his shoulders. “I’ve gotten into my fair share of fights before, and they never worked out in the end. For anyone.”

“Yeah, I get that,” Dean said understandingly. “I guess it probably has something to do with my temper; I’ve always had problems with anger and how I handle it and stuff.”

“Yeah, I picked up that much when you first got here,” Castiel chuckled, leaning back in his chair and squeezing Dean’s hand.

“Really?” Dean asked. “I don’t even remember how I was when I first got here. I’m sure I was a piece of work though.”

“Oh, you were,” Castiel agreed, only half-joking. “You were pretty pissed off at everything and everyone; figured you had to have some sort of temper problem you weren’t telling me about.”

“Fair enough. Like you said, you read people,” Dean replied with a small nod of his head.

“You weren’t exactly subtle about it,” Cas said. “But anyway, I’m proud that you didn’t fight Azazel. He isn’t worth stooping to his level.”

“I know…it was hard not to think that I should’ve though, especially with all the shit he was saying,” Dean conceded.

“Don’t think about whatever crap he put in your head,” Castiel said. He offered Dean a small smile, hoping that he could get through to him. “Anything he said was total bullshit. You know him, he was trying to get to you; he’ll say whatever he thinks will.”

“Yeah,” Dean said. “I’m sorry.”

“You’ve gotta stop being sorry, Dean. There’s nothing to be sorry for,” Castiel said. “Besides, I think you’re pretty damn great. And I’m sure Sam and your mom think so too. Those are the kinds of people you need to be listening to.”

Dean nodded and wiped under his eyes, even though he wasn’t crying yet.

“You’re right. I shouldn’t let him get to me; don’t think I’ll go to the principal though,” Dean replied. “I will if it gets to be a problem, but I can handle it for now.”

Castiel gave Dean a look, but that was it. He supposed he had to leave it up to him in the end and trust he’d do whatever he thought was right.

“Enough about me though,” Dean said, shaking his head. “Tell me about you; how was your weekend.”

“It was alright, aside from missing you,” Castiel said with a chuckle.

“I noticed you’re wearing my jacket,” Dean told him, his eyes flicking down to Cas’s chest. “Take it that’s a side effect?”

Cas smiled guiltily and pulled his free hand up into the sleeve of it, loving that it was just big enough to basically curl up into.

“Maybe a little,” Castiel said. “I sleep in it every night, like the sap that I am.”

Dean couldn’t hold back his grin at hearing that.

“Really?” Dean asked. His face dropped slightly as he continued, “Does that means things have been rough?”

“A little,” Castiel said. “No more than usual, though. Just, you know…trying to get out sometime in the next century.”

“Hey, you’ll be out of here in no time,” Dean said, squeezing his hand. “Trust me…how have Andy, Chuck, and Ruby been?”

“You actually care about Ruby?” Castiel asked, looking at him doubtfully.

“I’m trying to,” Dean laughed. “She was alright the last bit I was here, so why not.”

“They’ve all been good,” Cas said, glancing down at the end of his sleeve as he folded and unfolded it slightly. “No talk of anyone getting out yet, but they all seem like they’re getting by.”

“That’s great…what about you?” Dean asked.

“I just told you, I’m fine,” Cas replied nonchalantly.

“Yeah, I know you can be fine in general, but have you had any bad days?” Dean asked. “I can’t help but worry about you sometimes.”

Castiel rolled his eyes affectionately.

“I wouldn’t say that. Yesterday was kind of bad for whatever reason, but I think I’m starting to come out of it,” Cas said honestly. “You know how things get.”

“Totally,” Dean agreed. “I’m glad you’re getting through it though; is Crowley helping?”

“He’s trying to,” Cas said. “And I give him props for it, but I think it’s just something that’s gonna take time.”

“Yeah. I didn’t realize how much PTSD was still hanging around me until I could barely get in the car to drive home,” Dean told him. “It’s the littlest things sometimes.”

“I’m sorry about that,” Cas said solemnly. He hadn’t even thought about that aspect of Dean going home; it must have been hard for him.

“You know, one of the main reasons I got inside was because I knew that’s what you’d try to get me to do,” Dean smiled playfully. “You’ve helped me more than you know.”

“I’m happy I can do that for you,” Castiel replied. “But I think that’s enough serious talk for now. You’re here, and I wanna celebrate that without thinking about how much it sucks that you’re gone.”

Cas stood up and walked the several steps distance over to Dean, sitting in his lap. Luckily, the chairs were large and comfortable, so Cas put his legs up on one of the arms of the chair, and rested his head on the other.

Dean was pleasantly surprised, and easily started threading his fingers through Castiel’s hair. Cas closed his eyes and leaned into the touch, humming softly.

“This is much better,” Castiel murmured with a small laugh.

“Definitely,” Dean agreed. He draped his other hand over Castiel’s torso and grinned down at him. “So, what do you wanna talk about if dark things aren’t allowed?”

“I was thinking more along the lines of things that don’t _really_ matter about the both of us, but would be nice to know,” Castiel told him with a shrug. “Like, what’s your favorite animal?”

Dean chuckled at the question, but answered, “Probably a wolf…or a lion. They’re both pretty badass, and I always wanted to go to those exhibits at the zoo when I was little.”

“Tiny Dean at the zoo wanting to look at the lions; I can see it now,” Castiel smiled as he imagined what that would look like.

“My mom had to drag me away when the zoo started to close because I just loved it so much,” Dean said thoughtfully. “It’s hard to narrow it down, but yeah, one of those. What about you?”

“I’ve always had a fascination with rabbits,” Castiel said. “I have one, actually.”

“You never told me that,” Dean said curiously. “What’s its name?”

“Ella,” Cas replied, a small smile coming over his face at the mere thought of her. “I love her to death…my mom and sister take care of her when I’m gone.”

“That’s nice of them,” Dean said, still stroking Castiel’s hair. “What does she look like?”

They spent the entirety of Cas’ free hour talking about everything and nothing, from Ella to the time Dean refused to get rid of his night light when he was ten.

It felt like it had only been five minutes when a nurse came in and told them that the hour was up, and they both groaned as she left the room for them to say their goodbyes.

Dean leaned down and kissed Castiel slowly, not wanting this to end. It was finally starting to feel like they were just hanging out together on any other day…he didn’t want to have to go home yet.

“I don’t want you to go,” Castiel whispered against Dean’s lips before he sat up on his lap.

“I don’t want to go either,” Dean replied, wrapping his arms around Castiel’s waist and hugging him tightly. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

“Alright,” Cas said, turning his head to kiss Dean’s neck before he slowly stood up. “I love you, Dean.”

“I love you too,” Dean said as he stood up. He walked over to Cas in one last embrace, trying to memorize every detail of how amazing this felt. When he pulled away, he kissed Castiel chastely. “Bye, angel.”

“Bye,” Castiel said as Dean walked out the door. A minute or so later he left as well, making his way to Crowley’s office.

It sucked that Dean was gone, but Cas was thankful that now he got to talk to Crowley. He didn’t have many secrets from him, and it was always nice to know that he wouldn’t be judged for whatever he wanted to talk about.

When Cas entered the room, Crowley was already in his usual chair with a notepad.

“Castiel,” Crowley greeted, gesturing to the couch opposite him. “Go ahead, sit down; I’m almost done with these notes.”

Cas wordlessly came into the room and sat down on the couch.

“So, what’s new with you?” Crowley asked. “Anything in particular you want to talk about?”

“Well Dean was just here,” Castiel said, zipping up his hoodie a little more and crossing his arms so he was hugging himself for warmth. It was colder in there than usual. “I talked to him during my free hour before this.”

“Really? That’s great; I told you not to be nervous,” Crowley said with a smile.

Cas had confided that he was scared Dean would give up on him after realizing how much there was in the world that he could easily have without him, but apparently he was safe from that for the moment.

“Yeah, you’re right,” Cas agreed. “There was no reason for me to freak out.”

“What did you two talk about?” Crowley asked, crossing his legs. “If I’m allowed to know, I mean.”

“Random things,” Cas said. “Mainly just stuff that we didn’t know about each other like favorite animals, colors, you know…it kind of felt like we were together in his room or something.”

“That’s great,” Crowley said. “Would you say you preferred that to your conversations while Dean was in the ward as well?”

“I don’t know if I’d say ‘preferred’, but it had more of a normal atmosphere to it,” Cas said, playing with the hem of his hoodie. “Whatever it was, it was nice.”

“I’m glad you could have that experience. You’ll be out of here soon, Cas; you’re doing a really great job with all the programs,” Crowley told him proudly.

The rest of the session was mainly spent with Crowley asking him about his parents and how he’d been feeling lately, all of which Cas was honest about. When their time was up, Castiel thanked Crowley and walked out.

He was on his way to the dining hall when that all too familiar cloud of sadness washed over him. It felt like there was a lead weight in his chest and someone had punched a hole in his gut at the same time, and it was suddenly hard for him to walk. Cas didn’t feel up to facing everyone right now, so he turned around and walked back to his room.

Ever since Dean left he hadn’t gotten a new roommate, which was a relief. He liked being alone. It gave him a sense of privacy and calm that definitely wasn’t there when others were around.

Castiel closed the door behind him and sat on his bed with his head in his hands, trying to deep breathe in hopes that the horrible sensation that had taken over his mind would go away. He laid down on his bed and curled in on himself in a last ditch attempt to block out those self-destructive thoughts that had been more insistent than usual.

The constant thought of never being enough was overwhelming. Cas knew that it shouldn’t have this much of an effect on him, but that only made him hate himself even more. Why the hell couldn’t he recognize that feeling this way was toxic and make it stop? Was that even possible?

After mentally arguing with himself for what seemed like hours but was probably only minutes, Castiel decided he couldn’t take it anymore. As much as he hated it, sometimes his demons needed to win for him to keep his sanity.

Cas stood up and sat on the floor next to his bed, taking Dean’s hoodie off. He rolled up his sleeve and let a few stray tears run down his face as he reached under the bed and cut his arm on the sharp piece of metal.

Castiel flinched at the sensation, but kept going until all the chaos in his head was put to rest. When he took his arm out from underneath the bed, he hated himself even more. Blood had already started to pool on the floor, but his vision was blurred by his tears and he couldn’t focus on anything other than the self-hatred coursing through him.

He slowly stood up and walked to the dresser, careful to catch any blood that fell off his arm while he searched for a shirt to soak up the excess. When he found one, he started to wipe at his arm until it finally stopped bleeding.

After Castiel finished cleaning up the mess under the bed, he walked over to his desk and took out the journal Dean gave him. He wiped his eyes and picked up a pen before he started to write yet another entry.

_I’ve let myself down again, I guess. After trying so hard for so long, I broke...what the fuck is wrong with me? Life shouldn’t be this hard all the time. I shouldn’t have to wake up every morning wondering if anything would be different if I’d just gone while I was sleeping, but I do._

_I hate this. I hate this place, I hate myself, and I hate the fact that I’ve let everything get so out of control. Then again, I guess that’s what I’ve always done. I let things spiral, and then I let myself come crashing down with it._

_And it doesn’t even do anything. None of this makes me feel any more whole than I did an hour ago. Old habits die hard, and I guess I’m asking for this when I play with my life more than I should…but it doesn’t seem fair. I don’t know how I’m supposed to magically come together again. I suppose we’ll have to wait and see then._

When Cas couldn’t write anymore, he put the journal back where it was and threw Dean’s hoodie on before making his way to the dining hall, a fake smile plastered on his face. Maybe he could get through the rest of the day without too much of a problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments, kudos, etc. are badass to get, and seriously THANK YOU SO MUCH for continuing to read. It's amazing to see how people are receiving and liking the story so much <3 
> 
> castielfuckingnovak.tumblr.com


	24. Take the Good with the Bad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 24 dun dun DUN! Hope you guys like it :D

When Dean got home, he had to tackle the one thing he really wasn’t looking forward to. Homework. He opened his science textbook and flipped to the section he was supposed to take notes on, ready to try to throw himself back into the idea of school.

Once he read the first sentence of the first paragraph, he knew he was screwed beyond belief. None of the terms or ideas made any sense, and Dean began to understand how royally fucked he was for the rest of the year.

“Sam?” Dean called out. Even though Sam was younger than him, he was the only one Dean trusted to help him get back on track.

“Yeah?” Sam replied from downstairs where he was studying for a test he had that week.

“I need your help,” Dean said, rolling his eyes at himself. He hated having to ask for help, but he supposed it was progress. A few months ago, he would never admit to needing Sam’s help with school; he’d rather fail. He supposed his pride got in the way of living his life.

A minute later, Sam was in Dean’s room. He whistled when he saw the textbook in front of his brother, realizing what this must be about.

“Yikes,” Sam said. “Need some help studying?”

“Yeah, that’d be nice,” Dean said, somewhat ashamed. “Sorry, this is all just…I have no idea what’s going on.”

“Don’t worry about it; I’d be in worse shape than you if I’d come back from months without school,” Sam said encouragingly. “We’ll start with chemistry then?”

“You don’t have to teach me things like that,” Dean amended. “I just wanna know you study so I can try to get a handle on what works for me and what doesn’t.”

“Oh,” Sam said, bringing a chair from the corner of the room over to where Dean was sitting. “Well you usually remember things better when you write them down, so that’s the way I do a lot of studying. It can be annoying, but I write down all the main points I need to know over and over again until they just stick in my head, then quiz myself when I think I know them all.”

Dean nodded and sighed, knowing that there was no way to fully recover from the amount of stuff he’d missed. Hopefully he could pass the rest of the year and then make up everything else in summer school. Who knows, maybe Cas will even be with him for that.

“Alright, I’ll try that,” Dean said, getting out a pencil and paper. “Thanks Sammy; I’ll let you know if I need anything else.”

“Awesome, good luck,” Sam said with a grin, clasping his hand on Dean’s shoulder before going off to another room. He couldn’t help but be a little concerned about Dean suddenly being expected to go back to the normal routine of high school and work.

Dean spent the next hour writing down useless fact after useless fact, and found that it actually did help. That didn’t stop him from getting frustrated with having to learn all of this, but he’d rather understand it in the long run.

 

 

The next day, Dean made sure to eat lunch in a far corner of the lunch room where no one could bother him. He hated that he and Ash didn’t have the same lunch, but at least he’d found a place where he wasn’t bothered. Azazel hadn’t come up to him at all so far, and he took that as a good sign.

He took out his phone and dialed Bobby, realizing that he needed to say he could come to work that day. Dean needed the structure of work in his life if he couldn’t see Cas all the time, plus money was definitely needed around his house.

After a few rings, Bobby picked up.

“Dean?” Bobby answered, understandably confused.

“Hey Bobby,” Dean said, smiling at hearing his familiar voice.

“I wasn’t expecting to hear from you for a while,” Bobby said, fondness coming through his tone. “Take it this means you’re out and about?”

“Yeah, finally,” Dean said, playing with the hem of his shirt. “I got out on Friday, but I needed the weekend to kind of…get back into things. Sorry I didn’t call earlier.”

“You kidding? You could take the _month_ and I’d understand,” Bobby replied, a smile evident in his voice. “What did you wanna say?”

“That I’m ready to work again,” Dean said firmly, hoping he came across more confident than he felt. “I’m back at school and everything, and I’d like to just go back to how things were, you know? I could come in today around four.”

Bobby waited a moment before asking, “You sure that’s alright? Seems kinda fast after everything you’ve been through.”

Dean sighed. He had been hoping that Bobby wouldn’t treat him like some unstable nutcase.

“Yeah, I’m sure,” Dean said with a nod. “Trust me Bobby, I need something to do. I just wanna feel normal again, you know? Like everyone isn’t staring at me and thinking about what a freak I am. When I’m in the garage I can feel that way. Please man, I’m begging you here.”

“You know I’d never turn you down,” Bobby said. “I want you to get back to normal too, son. And if I’m being honest, you’re the best damn worker I’ve got. I missed you over here.”

“I missed you too,” Dean said. “Thanks Bobby.”

“Anytime, Dean,” Bobby replied genuinely. “You’re feeling pretty good I take it?”

“Yeah, I am,” Dean said, shocked at how firmly he believed that after everything. “Much better now than I was.”

“That’s great, I’m glad to hear it,” Bobby told him. “I’ll see you around four then.”

“See you,” Dean said, hanging up the phone.

 

 

 

When Dean was in the middle of walking to meet Sam at his car after school, he felt something hard hit him in the back.

He turned around, and was unfortunate enough to see Azazel holding a rock about twenty feet behind him.

“Winchester,” Azazel called out, tossing the rock up in the air a bit and catching it on the way down. He was smirking, and Dean knew he should probably turn tail and run.

“What the hell do you want?” Dean asked instead, trying to be brave and stand his ground. Maybe he could make Azazel back off by acting like he didn’t affect him. “I don’t get you, Azazel. You pick someone whose life you want to ruin, and then you torture them until they can’t take it anymore…what kind of sick satisfaction do you get from that?”

“Well like you said, I’m sick,” Azazel shrugged, taking a few steps closer to him. “You don’t wanna give me this speech, okay? I’m not picking on you because I’m insecure or whatever the fuck your mom told you. I like seeing people suffer. That’s all there is to it.”

Dean took a step back, just wanting to get out of there, but now he thought he was too deep in all this to run. Maybe he hadn’t gotten rid of his pride just yet.

Azazel noticed that Dean had moved, so he threw the rock at his chest. From such a short distance, it hurt like hell when it hit Dean right in the middle of his chest. He put his hand over where the rock had made its impact and glared at Azazel.

“I don’t want any trouble, alright? I’m gonna go home,” Dean said, turning around to get to his car.

“No you’re not,” Azazel replied, grabbing Dean’s arm and spinning him around to punch him in the face.

“Fuck!” Dean exclaimed, doubling over and covering his face. When he pulled his hand away, he saw blood.

As Dean straightened himself out again, he saw someone stop behind Azazel, watching them both. Oh god, the last thing he needed was for this to turn into a fight.

“Not even gonna _try_ to fight back? That’s pretty weak, Winchester, even for you,” Azazel taunted. “Come on, I’ll give you a free hit.” He opened his arms and looked up, trying to seem like he wouldn’t fight back.

Dean knew it wasn’t a guarantee, but by now at least ten people had gathered to watch whatever was about to happen. He was seconds away from hitting Azazel back when Castiel’s voice filtered into his mind.

Cas had told him not to do this. He shouldn’t get violent, he should get the principal. Dean never thought that he’d listen to anyone other than himself when it came down to it, but here Cas was, proving him wrong yet again. He knew better than to get involved in this, and Cas had said so as well. Maybe that was a sign that he should just stand down.

“I don’t want your free hit,” Dean said, unclenching his fists at his sides.

“Fine by me,” Azazel said, not wasting a moment before punching Dean in the stomach.

Dean collapsed to his knees with a groan, crossing his arms over his torso. If he tried, maybe he could still get away before he did too much damage. When he tried to get up, however, he felt a kick to his stomach again and fell back where he was.

“What’s the matter, bitch? Get up,” Azazel teased.

Everyone who was watching at this point waited in anticipation to see what Dean would do, and he was completely disgusted by that. They were all just standing there, completely insensitive and careless about what was happening purely because it wasn’t themselves or anyone they gave a shit about.

Dean knew he didn’t have a choice and tried to get up again, only to have the same thing happen yet another time. Since he’d already been hit, this one felt about a thousand times worse. Searing pain shot through his stomach and ribs, but he just closed his eyes and grit his teeth as he tried to stand up again.

When Azazel leaned down to grab Dean by the back of his shirt collar and throw him face-first into the pavement, Dean heard another voice behind them.

“What the hell is going on here?” Mr. Brimstad yelled, breaking through the crowd of children. Well shit. Someone had brought the principal in.

Azazel turned from where he was, and Dean slowly rolled himself over so he could see Mr. Brimstad’s face. 

“Azazel, my office. _Now_ ,” Mr. Brimstad ordered, pointing a finger towards the school building. “And don’t think you’ll get away with leaving. That’ll only make things worse for yourself.”

“Shit,” Azazel muttered under his breath as he did what he was told.

Dean stayed on the ground and coughed, not wanting to get up yet. He forced himself to huff out a ‘thank you’, but that was it.

“Dean, are you alright?” Mr. Brimstad asked, walking over to Dean as those who had been watching the fight started to disperse and go home. He extended a hand to help Dean up.

“I don’t know,” Dean said honestly, getting up as slowly as possible. “I don’t have to go to your office too, do I?”

Mr. Brimstad sighed as he weighed the matter and shook his head.

“No, you don’t. You can go to the nurse if you want, but it was pretty clear to me that you weren’t hurting anyone,” Mr. Brimstad said. “And, knowing Azazel, if you’d hit him at all it would have been in retaliation."

“Thanks, Mr. Brimstad,” Dean said. “I think I’ll just go home; get an ice pack there or something.”

“If you say so,” Mr. Brimstad replied. “Sam’s inside waiting for you though. He was the one who came and got me.”

Dean nodded, figuring it was probably him. Other than Ash, no one else would have bothered. He went inside and looked around, spotting Sam pretty quickly.

“Dean, are you okay?” Sam asked when he saw Dean standing there. He stood up and walked over to him, looking at Dean cautiously. “You shouldn’t be walking after all that.”

“I’m fine,” Dean only partially lied. He was fine enough to make it home anyways. “Let’s just get outta here.”

Sam looked Dean over before deciding to go with him out to the parking lot.

“So, you were the one who got Mr. Brimstad,” Dean said, not surprised in the slightest.

“Yeah. Sorry he couldn’t have gotten there sooner,” Sam said, running a hand through his hair as he got in the passenger seat.

“Don’t be,” Dean insisted, getting in the driver’s side and starting the Impala. “Thanks for looking out for me, Sammy.”

“You know I always will,” Sam replied, turning on the radio.

Dean drove them home, trying not to focus on the pain in his gut and on his face from where he hit the pavement. He could feel cuts and bruises starting to form all over himself, and couldn’t help but wonder how the hell he was going to tell his mom about this.

“I’ll help you,” Sam said, shocking Dean back to reality for a moment.

“I asked that out loud?” Dean asked, shaking his head to himself slightly.

“Yeah,” Sam affirmed with a small laugh. “But don’t worry, I’ll help you break the news to her. Besides, she knows you’re a good kid; she’ll believe it was Azazel’s fault.”

“I hope you’re right,” Dean said as he pulled into their driveway.

“Want me to take your stuff?” Sam asked when he noticed Dean wincing in pain as he took off his seatbelt.

“That would be great,” Dean replied appreciatively.

Sam took Dean’s things in, but they barely made it through the front door before Mary noticed Dean’s face.

“Dean! What happened?” Mary asked in concern and disbelief. She got out of the chair she was sitting in and walked over to the two brothers, taking Dean’s face in her hands delicately. “Who did this to you?”

“A kid from school,” Dean said reluctantly. He felt like he was five again. “But don’t worry, I didn’t hit him back or anything.”

“What kid from school? Was it Michael?” Mary asked skeptically.

“No, you don’t know him. His name’s Azazel,” Sam told her. “He’s the school hard-ass, and apparently Dean’s his new target.”

“Why didn’t you tell me he was bothering you?” Mary asked Dean, gently brushing her fingers over several scrapes on his cheek.

“Because,” Dean said, flinching slightly at the touch. “It wasn’t a problem until now. But Mr. Brimstad took him to the office and I guess he’s gonna get in trouble for doing this.”

“And he should,” Mary said. “Did he hit you anywhere else? Do you want me to take you to a hospital?”

Dean laughed at his mom’s worry and waved a hand to show it was nothing. “No, I’m good. Just a little sore in my stomach and ribs…with an ice pack I should be fine,” he said.

“Alright…” Mary said, like she didn’t want to take Dean’s word for it without seeing a doctor to make sure. Then again, she was just being a mom. Dean couldn’t be mad at her for that. “If he gives you any more trouble, come to me and I’ll make sure the school straightens things out…but for now, let’s clean out those wounds.”

Dean hung his head a little low and followed her into the kitchen and sat down at one of the chairs while Mary went to the bathroom and got the first aid kit.

“I’m just glad you’re not getting into these fights as a regular thing anymore,” Mary said as she put some rubbing alcohol on a cotton pad and began dabbing the worse cuts along Dean’s face.

Dean huffed a small laugh, remembering how when he was with the “in crowd” he would get into the occasional fight to protect whatever label of being a badass he had. Sometimes it was to defend someone else, but mostly it was just himself…he couldn’t justify it most of the time.

“Yeah, me too,” Dean agreed, wincing slightly at the sting of the rubbing alcohol.

“Sorry,” Mary apologized. She took out a gauze strip and held it over the worst cut she could find that was still bleeding a little. “You know I’m proud of you, right?”

“That’s not something you expect to hear after getting beaten up,” Dean said with a small smile, trying to make a joke out of it like always.

“I’m serious,” Mary told him. “I’m so proud to call you my son. And I’m proud that you didn’t fight Azazel back. Now hopefully the principal can get him kicked out or something.”

“I doubt it would actually come to that,” Dean said regretfully. “I want that just as much as you do though, mom.”

“You never know,” Mary shrugged, taking out another few gauze patches and placing it over the worse areas of Dean’s face.

“God, I bet I look like a mummy,” Dean chuckled at feeling the white cloth get settled all over his face.

“You do,” Mary laughed along with him. “Just wear it for tonight, then you can take it off tomorrow before you go to school.”

“Alright, sounds good,” Dean said. “Thanks.”

He stood and walked upstairs to get a start on his homework, wanting to forget everything that had happened.

“Just come out of the Great Pyramid?” Sam asked when he passed Dean on the staircase.

“Bitch.”

“Jerk.”

 

 

Several weeks later, Dean was calling to make yet another appointment to see Cas during his free hour. He’d been seeing him three to four times a week ever since he got out, and Ellen always talked to him for a while when he called to set up a meeting with Castiel.

“Lawrence Hospital mental ward, this is Ellen, how may I help you?” Ellen greeted in the same professional way she always did.

“Hey Ellen, it’s Dean,” Dean greeted, smiling over the phone.

“Hi Dean; what have you been up to?” Ellen asked happily.

“Not much, just school and work,” Dean said. “Is there any chance I could see Cas during his free hour tomorrow?”

“Yeah, no problem,” Ellen said as Dean could hear her typing it into his schedule. “That’s from five to six, is that okay?”

“Yeah, that works perfectly,” Dean said, taking his phone away from his ear for a moment to write that down.

 

 

 

The next day when Dean went to see Cas, he was greeted with a usual warm embrace and kiss.

“Hey you,” Castiel said playfully.

“Hey,” Dean smiled, nuzzling their noses together before sitting down in his usual chair.

Castiel laid down with his head in Dean’s lap and his legs on the armrest. Dean started playing with his hair, and Cas took Dean’s hand in his, messing with their fingers.

“So listen. There’s something I need to tell you,” Castiel said, looking up at Dean’s green eyes.

“You’re not breaking up with me, are you?” Dean asked, laughing self-consciously.

“No, I’d never break up with you,” Cas smirked, kissing his hand. “But uh…they said I can get out next week.”

"Really?" Dean asked, amazed. 

"Yeah, I'm just as surprised as you are," Cas said, playing with their fingers distractedly. "I was thinking you could drive me home and after I say hi to my mom and all that you could come by...we could go on a real date since it's gonna be Saturday." 

"A real date," Dean grinned down at him. "That sounds perfect." 

 

 

By the time next Saturday rolled around, Dean was waiting in the lobby of the ward for Cas to come out and greet him. He was shifting his weight nervously and glancing around the room, trying to calm the excited butterflies in his stomach. 

"You seem eager," Ellen teased from behind the counter. 

"Is it that noticeable?" Dean joked back, wringing his hands in anticipation. "God, I've wanted this for such a long time." 

Ellen didn't get the chance to reply as Charlie rounded the corner with Cas at her side, carrying a large bag of his things. 

Dean ran up to him and hugged him tightly, pulling back only to kiss him. 

"Cas," Dean breathed against his lips, smiling like an idiot. 

"Dean," he replied easily, dropping his bag and settling his arms around Dean's neck. 

"You two look out for each other out there," Charlie said playfully, a hint of seriousness in her tone. 

"We will," Dean and Cas said simultaneously. 

They pulled apart from their hug so Cas could pick up his bag again and glance at the elevator. 

"Bye Ellen, bye Charlie," they both said respectively.

"So...let's get outta here," Castiel said as he turned to Dean, tears in his eyes despite how much he tried to hold them in. 

"Let's."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, Cas is getting out!! Sadly, next week is going to be my last chapter D': It'll be great though, I promise. I'll give closure and everything haha. 
> 
> I also have a total plan for my next fanfiction, which I'll start right after this one is finished so you won't have to wait long before I bug you again ;)
> 
> Thank you so much for all your love and support through kudos, comments, messages on tumblr...it's the greatest feeling in the world to know people care about my version of the characters in this different little universe. I love you all <3
> 
> castielfuckingnovak.tumblr.com


	25. Now I Can Breathe By Your Side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well everyone...this is it. The final chapter. I'm insanely sad to see this fic go, but it was time. I'd rather end it on a good note now, and I feel like this wraps everything up really nicely. You all have been the greatest readers I could ever ask for, and I hope you all like it :) I'll write another fic extremely soon (I'm talking within the next two weeks), so I'll be back and annoying you all again in no time, I promise <3

When Castiel got home he had no idea what he expected to find. His mom and sister, and Balthazar once his shift was over, but not much else.

He turned to Dean when they pulled into the driveway and told him regretfully, “It might be best if you didn’t come in yet. You know how family is; they probably want to talk to me and ask me a whole bunch of questions I’d rather avoid…but I’ll text you when you can come over tonight.”

“Okay, yeah. Let’s exchange numbers,” Dean said as he turned the Impala off and took his phone out of his pocket. He handed it to Castiel and Cas did the same with his own.

“Feels kinda weird, doesn’t it?” Castiel commented as he put his name and number into Dean’s phone. “Being together for so long and we’re only just now giving each other our numbers.”

“Yeah, it is,” Dean agreed, giving Cas his phone back. He looked at him affectionately and sighed. “I love you. Good luck with everything.”

“Thanks, I love you too,” Castiel said, leaning over to kiss Dean again before handing his phone back. He took a deep breath and opened the car door, taking his bag with him. “See you tonight.”

“See ya,” Dean said. Cas didn’t miss the way Dean stayed in the driveway until he was inside, and couldn’t help but feel a bit of fondness at the small gesture.

When Castiel opened the front door, he announced himself to whoever was home.

“I’m back, guys!” he yelled, locking the door behind him.

It felt strange being here again, especially since his last moments here before the hospital were so horrendous. He avoided walking through the living room as he went to the kitchen, not wanting to think about the night everything went to hell.

“Cas?” Anna called from down the hall in her room.

“Yeah, I’m back,” Castiel repeated, opening the fridge and taking out a can of soda. He could hear his sister’s footsteps as she got closer to the kitchen.

“I didn’t think you’d be back this early,” Anna explained, throwing her arms around his neck.

Castiel hugged her back and let himself feel the sense of belonging that he’d been suppressing for so long.

“Me neither,” he said as he pulled back and took a sip of his drink. “But I’m glad I’m here now…where’s mom?”

“She’s at the store, getting stuff for when you come back. Guess she thought you’d be a little later too,” Anna said with a small laugh. “Go easy on her, okay?”

“I’ll try. Why?” Castiel asked suspiciously.

“Because she’s been trying really hard, and she’s been going on for days about needing to get this right. She wants to have a fresh start with you,” Anna said, leaning against the counter. “You know, she feels horribly for not reporting the abuse to the police.”

“Yeah well, it’s not like she wasn’t a victim of it too, not to mention dad said he’d kill her. And after what he did, I think we figured out he probably wasn’t lying,” Castiel shrugged.

“Don’t be so casual about that,” Anna said with annoyance. “Just be nice to her, alright? She’s getting all your favorite foods and has been saving up so we can all go to the movies or whatever you want to celebrate.”

Cas huffed out a small laugh and said, “It’s never been a huge deal when I came home before. Why now?”

“Well you’re almost eighteen,” Anna said, like that was self-explanatory. “I think to her it’s kind of a shock that soon you’ll be legal and out of high school and all that. She wants to keep you around and have a good relationship with you while she still can.”

“I doubt I’ll graduate high school very soon,” Cas said, wishing it wasn’t as true as it probably was. “But that means a lot, I guess. She’s never tried this hard.”

“She really hasn’t. She loves you, you know. And so do I,” Anna reminded him.

“Yeah, I know,” Cas said, running a hand through his hair as he took another sip of his drink. “So, where’s Ella?”

“She’s still in your room,” Anna said, cocking her head in the general direction of Castiel’s bedroom.

“I’m gonna go say hi,” Castiel said, walking into his room that it felt like he hadn’t seen in years.

The familiar posters and dark blue paint on all the walls and ceiling made him feel right at home again. He inhaled deeply and looked at the ground where he kept Ella’s cage.

The black and white bunny was sitting on the floor of her cage, chewing on a piece of lettuce that he liked to keep available in a corner of her sleeping hut.

“Hey Ella,” Castiel said enthusiastically, the way someone would talk to a dog or a baby. He couldn’t help it though; Ella _was_ his baby as far as he was concerned. “How’s my beautiful girl doing?”

Ella just stared up at him as he opened her cage door and picked her up. Since there was no one around, Castiel kissed her head over and over and hugged her close.

“I missed you,” Cas murmured, stroking her fur that was just as soft as he remembered.

He knew it was sentimental and sappy, but he loved animals, and he loved Ella more than anything…even his family, most of the time.

When he looked down at Ella he saw that she was staring back at him with her wide eyes, and he couldn’t help but feel ecstatic to be home. Not only could he go out with Dean, but he could spend more time with Ella, and maybe he and his mother could rewind the clock and start over on better terms.

Cas walked over to his bed and sat down with Ella in his lap. She stayed put as he took his phone out and texted Dean with the hand that wasn’t still petting her.

_My mom isn’t home yet, but I met up with Anna and I’m sitting with Ella now. Think you could pick me up at 7?_

A short while later, Dean replied, _Yeah, sure thing. Can you send me a picture of Ella? I’m kind of dying to see her._

Cas smiled and leaned around Ella somewhat awkwardly so he could get a good picture of her. He sent it to Dean and kissed the top of her head while he waited for a reply.

Almost immediately, Dean texted back, _She’s adorable! I have to meet her sometime._

_I’m sure she’d love that._

_Great. I’ll see you tonight, angel._

_See you tonight_ , Castiel replied, ending the conversation.

He spent a few more minutes in his room playing with Ella before he heard the garage door open.

“And that’ll be my mom,” Cas told the small rabbit. “You should come with me to say hi to her.”

Cas picked Ella up and walked down the hall into the kitchen, where his mom was unloading groceries.

“Hi mom,” Castiel said a little hesitantly.

“Castiel! You’re early,” his mother Naomi said as she turned around and hugged him, careful of Ella. Castiel closed his eyes and hugged her back with one arm, realizing that this already felt like a brand new beginning. “I missed you so much.”

“I missed you too,” Cas said, pulling away. It wasn’t a total lie, especially towards the end of his visit when he started to accept that she was doing everything she thought she could. She still loved him, even if she hadn’t made the best choices in the end.

“I see you’ve already found Ella,” his mom said, gesturing to the animal.

“Yeah, I needed to see her,” Cas said with a small smile, absentmindedly still stroking her. “Anna told me that you were out getting food for me and stuff, so uh. Thanks. Really.”

“No problem,” Naomi said, smiling at him. There were tears in her eyes as she said, “I’m really sorry about everything, Cas. It’s all my fault.”

“No mom, don’t do that,” Castiel said. “It wasn’t your fault. You were scared, and he was hurting you too. Don’t feel bad; it’s okay.”

“It’s not okay,” his mother insisted. “But I’m going to make things right. We’ll be a family this time around without anything to get in our way.”

“Okay,” Castiel said, smiling slightly. He really did feel a lot better about everything in the few weeks he’d been at the ward without Dean. They were rough, but they kicked him to where he needed to be. “We’ll be a family.”

“Good,” Naomi said, reaching out and petting Ella once before an expression flashed across her face like she remembered something and turned around. “Look what I got for you.”

She took out a small package of sour gummy worms and put them on the counter, pushing them towards him.

“Only my favorite junk food in the entire world,” Cas grinned as he picked them up. “Thanks mom.”

“Any time,” Naomi replied with a smile as she put the rest of the groceries away. “Now did you want to go out to dinner tonight, or stay home?”

“I was actually hoping we could order some Chinese food tomorrow,” Castiel said. He hadn’t really thought of how to ask his mom if the night he got back he could go out with Dean…it almost seemed selfish. “Tonight I kind of want to go out with my boyfriend.”

“Your boyfriend?” Naomi asked, trying to see where that could have come from. “Did you meet someone in the ward?”

“Yeah; his name’s Dean,” Castiel told her. “He got out a while ago, and we were thinking that we could go out on a real date when I got home…if that’s okay.”

“Are you kidding? Of course. We can have your welcome home dinner tomorrow,” Naomi replied easily. “I can’t wait to meet him.”

“You’ll like him,” Castiel said confidently. “But uh, I don’t know when I’ll be home. I might just spend the night at his place if we stay out too late.”

Naomi gave Cas a knowing smile, but shook her head fondly and simply stated, “I’m fine with whatever you decide to do. You’re healthier and happier, and that’s what matters to me. Just be safe.”

“I will be,” Cas said, smiling at her. It was nice having a new level of trust and understanding between them.

 

 

When Dean arrived at Castiel’s house, he was nervous to say the least. He had to formally meet Cas’ mother and this all felt so great and sudden and permanent all at the same time.

He walked up to the door at exactly seven pm, a bouquet of roses in his hand.

Castiel answered the door and grinned widely when he saw Dean standing there.

“Hey babe,” Castiel greeted, kissing him softly. “Are those for me?”

“Yeah,” Dean said handing the flowers to him. “If we’re finally going on a date, we’ve gotta make it special, right?” He looked Cas up and down and smiled. “You look fantastic.”

“Thanks,” Cas said, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth again. He stepped aside and gestured for Dean to step in. “My mom is kind of dying to meet you, so once she does we can get started.”

“Alright, that’s cool,” Dean said, looking around the house when he entered.

“You must be Dean,” Castiel’s mom said, coming in from the dining room where she was setting the table for Anna and herself. “I’ve heard wonderful things.”

“And you must be Ms. Novak,” Dean greeted with a smile, shaking hands with her. “Nice to finally meet you.”

 

 

After making a decent amount of small talk, Castiel managed to get his mother to say goodbye to them and he and Dean made their way out to the car.

“Sorry about her. She can be a little overbearing, but I think it’s because I haven’t brought anyone serious home in…ever,” Castiel said with a small laugh.

“Don’t even worry about it,” Dean said, kissing him on the cheek. He opened Castiel’s car door for him and dramatically gestured for him to get inside.

“Holding the door open for me? It must be my lucky day,” Cas said playfully as he sat down in the passenger seat.

Dean just smiled as he closed the door and got in the driver’s seat, starting up the car and pulling onto the street.

“So this is the famous Baby I’ve been hearing about so much?” Castiel asked, looking around at the interior of the car.

“The very one; isn’t she gorgeous?” Dean asked, glancing over at him.

“Yeah, she is,” Castiel said, loving that Dean was so excited to show him his car. “Where are we going, by the way? You never said.”

“This nice little diner off 14th street. Know which one I’m talking about?” Dean asked as he turned a corner.

“Yeah, but I’ve never been. Passed it a lot,” Castiel replied.

“Trust me, they’ve got the best burgers and pie around,” Dean said. “I was thinking we could have dinner there and then maybe go back to my place. My mom is gonna be working late tonight and I told Sam to stay at a friend’s house, so we’ll have the place to ourselves.”

“Ah, so post-date sex,” Cas pondered. “Sounds fun.”

“And talking,” Dean corrected with a laugh.

“And talking,” Cas agreed. “That’s a perfect night to me.”

“Pick something for us to listen to,” Dean prompted, gesturing to his giant stack of cassette tapes.

“You’ve got cassettes? That’s fucking beautiful,” Cas grinned fondly as he picked up all the choices and flipped through them. “You weren’t kidding when you said you were a classic rock man.”

Dean shrugged as Cas put in a random cassette of AC/DC. They sat in comfortable silence with the music blaring as Cas stared at the scenery pass them by with the window open slightly.

After a few songs, Cas turned the volume down and looked over at Dean thoughtfully.

“Doesn’t this feel great?” Castiel asked. “Seeing all the city lights, smelling the fresh air…just the two of us finally outside of that goddamn ward?”

“It does,” Dean agreed, locking eyes with him for a moment. “I’ve been imagining what this would be like.”

“Me too,” Castiel said. “I know I probably sound like I haven’t seen the sun in a few years, but it feels so good to be back. My mom and I are starting over, you and I are together, and we’re out at night headed to a diner like any other normal couple. It’s fantastic.”

“Damn right it is,” Dean said, patting Castiel’s knee as he pulled into a parking spot at the diner and killed the engine. “Stay right there. I’m treating you like royalty tonight.”

Castiel blushed slightly but stayed put while Dean opened the car door for him. He smiled and Dean took his hand without hesitation.

“I love seeing you smile,” Dean told him, grinning back. “I can tell you mean it.”

“It’s definitely a nice change,” Castiel said, staring down at their intertwined fingers. “You always make me happy though…genuinely happy.”

“I feel the same way,” Dean said, holding the door open for him and Castiel to get inside the diner.

They sat down on their own at a booth in the back that was next to the window, and a waitress brought them water while they placed their food orders.

“Uh,” Dean said after the waitress left, somewhat awkwardly. “I meant to ask…I don’t wanna drag the mood down or anything, but how long has it been since you’ve had a bad day?” Castiel didn’t miss how his eyes glanced down at his wrists.

“No, I understand,” Castiel replied. “It’s been about three weeks since I’ve had that kind of bad day. Since then I’ve been surprisingly optimistic.”

“That’s great,” Dean smiled.  

“So,” Castiel said, desperate for a change in the subject. He didn’t want this night to be weighed down by stuff that they didn’t necessarily need to be talking about just yet. “How’s Azazel since the big incident?”

“He got suspended for a week, and since he’s been back he’s been on serious probation. Basically if he gets into another fight on campus that the school even hears about, he’ll get expelled,” Dean explained with a bit of a proud grin. “But he hasn’t bothered me since.”

“That’s good,” Castiel said. “See, I told you fighting wasn’t the answer. He’s getting himself in enough trouble as it is.”

“You got that right,” Dean agreed. “Michael’s been the same though. He talks to me every now and then to see how I’m doing, but he cares too much about his reputation to actually go out on a limb for me.”

“Baby steps, I suppose,” Cas shrugged. “At least he’s treating you better than he did before.”

Dean nodded and several minutes later when their food came, he looked at Castiel expectantly.

“Why are you staring at me like that?” Castiel asked with a chuckle, looking from Dean to his food.

“Because I have to know what you think of the greatest burger to ever grace this planet,” Dean replied eagerly.

Cas rolled his eyes fondly and took a bite, humming thoughtfully as he chewed and swallowed.

“I think that really is the best burger I’ve ever tasted in my life,” Cas grinned.

 

 

After an evening of laughing over random stories and feeding each other bites of their different flavors of pie, they were ready to go back to Dean’s place.

Dean paid for their food, which Cas tried to insist he didn’t have to, and held the car door open for Cas yet again.

“Think we can wait a little before we get things started?” Castiel asked with a small laugh as they drove back to Dean’s house. “I don’t know how good I’ll be after eating that much.”

“Sure,” Dean said with a grin. “I don’t think I’d be all that awesome right away either.”

They sang along to classic rock all the way until they pulled into Dean’s driveway where he killed the engine.

“You’ve got a nice place,” Castiel said as he got out of the car and looked at it.

“Thanks,” Dean said, taking his hand as they walked inside.

“Let’s watch TV,” Castiel offered when they got to the living room.

They both sat down and Dean draped his arm around Castiel’s shoulders as they picked a re-run of Friends to watch.

“This is the most relaxed I’ve felt in months,” Castiel said under his breath, not sure if it was even directed at Dean.

“Me too. It’s nice having you here...feels a little more homey than usual,” Dean murmured back, turning his face to kiss the top of Castiel’s head.

After a few episodes of Friends, Cas lifted his head from its place on Dean’s shoulder and smirked, brushing his fingers over Dean’s collar bone.

“I think we should go upstairs,” Castiel said, kissing Dean’s neck briefly.

Dean smiled and nodded. “Yeah, we should.”

Without warning, Dean stood up and grabbed Castiel, lifting him so the other teen’s legs were holding onto his waist.

Cas let out a surprised yelp, but then laughed and kissed Dean chastely.

“You’re feeling pretty confident tonight, huh?” Castiel asked playfully.

“Well I’m only heading upstairs with the man I love so I can show him just how much I love him on the night he comes back from being in the hospital,” Dean said as he slowly made his way to his room. “So yeah, I’m pretty on top of the world right now.”

Castiel smiled and played with Dean’s hair as they entered his room and Dean sat him down on the bed.

“So this is your room,” Cas said, glancing around while Dean closed the door.

“Yep, in all its glory,” Dean replied, gesturing vaguely to all of it.

“I like it…it’s very you,” Castiel said, a small smile on his face. “Now get over here so I can rip those clothes off.”

“You know I can’t resist a promise like that,” Dean smirked, closing the distance between them and pushing Castiel down on the bed. “But what I told you earlier still stands. Tonight I’m gonna treat you like royalty. So let me do this for you.”

Cas looked at Dean lovingly and sighed, getting lost in his eyes. “God, I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you too,” Dean whispered back. He pulled away from him to take his shirt and pants off quickly, tossing them aside. “Sit up.”

Castiel did as he was told and helped Dean take his shirt off, willingly lying back down so Dean could pull his pants off as well. When Dean hovered over him again, Cas tugged at the waistband of his underwear, raising an eyebrow in question.

“Not yet,” Dean murmured. “You know I like to tease.”

“Just kiss me,” Cas replied, cupping Dean’s face and bringing it down so their lips connected again.

Dean hummed and melted against Castiel, pushing his tongue into the black haired teenager’s mouth. He still remembered every detail of how amazing this felt the first time, and a spark of excitement went through him at feeling it once more.

Cas felt one of Dean’s hands ghost over his side and he shivered as Dean scraped his nails over his hip bone. He let out a small whimper and Dean bit down on Castiel’s lower lip as his hand skirted back up and brushed over his nipples.

“God, Dean,” Castiel breathed into his mouth before moving their tongues together. Dean was so addicting, and Cas was completely engulfed in needing every part of him.

Dean let out a small laugh and let his hand wander over Cas’s torso until it landed just above his pelvis, where he dipped two of his fingers into the waistband of his underwear.

“How does this feel?” he asked with a smirk, careful to just barely brush his fingers over the top of Castiel’s already hard cock.

“Fucking perfect,” Castiel whispered desperately. “Please, just take them off.”

“Okay, baby. I’ll take care of you,” Dean said softly. He kissed him one last time before pulling away to take Cas’ underwear off, followed by his own. Dean was hard now too, and he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t excited to feel every bit of Cas underneath him again.

As soon as they were both blissfully naked, Dean pressed their bodies together and kissed Castiel’s neck.

“Shit,” Castiel hissed, wrapping his arms around Dean’s torso and digging his nails into his shoulder blades. He tilted his neck and closed his eyes, appreciating getting to be with Dean like this.

Dean gently bit Castiel’s neck and started sucking on the skin, eager to leave as many marks as he could. Cas was finally _here_ and just in this moment they belonged to each other and no one else. They didn’t have to worry about anything.

Cas let out a moan and thrust his hips up slightly, needing some friction between them.

Dean groaned against Cas’ skin as he put another bruise on his pulse point, rubbing their crotches together even more.

“I need you now,” Castiel murmured, scratching down Dean’s back. “Please.”

“Mmhm,” Dean hummed. “Stay right there.”

Castiel nodded and tried to breathe normally as he watched Dean lean over and get some lube out of a drawer. He licked his lips as Dean poured it over his fingers and reached down in between his legs, circling his hole.

“You’re so beautiful,” Dean murmured as he pushed a finger inside Castiel, smirking at the noise it drew out of him.

Cas spread his legs a little wider and moaned, grinding back against Dean’s finger.

“More,” Cas pleaded softly. He looked at Dean with predatory eyes and wrapped his arms around the back of his neck so he could rock against him.

Dean gave an evil smile and put another finger inside him, crooking and thrusting them in and out slowly. Every expression that came over Castiel’s face made Dean groan with want as he tried to find Castiel’s sweet spot.

Once Dean’s fingers brushed against his prostate, he let out a guttural moan. It didn’t take long for him to completely lose his patience.

“Inside,” Castiel breathed, looking into Dean’s lust-blown eyes.

“Anything you want,” Dean said quietly. He pulled his fingers out gently and Castiel whined at the emptiness.

Dean reached over to the nightstand for a condom, but Castiel grabbed his hand and shook his head.

“Don’t worry about a condom ever again,” Cas said with a smirk. “I like when I can feel all of you.”

“Me too,” Dean replied, leaning down to kiss him quickly. He poured lube all over his dick and lined up at Castiel’s entrance, pushing in as slowly as he could stand.

Castiel swallowed and closed his eyes as Dean filled him until their hips touched. Dean rested their foreheads together as Cas adjusted to the sensation and wrapped his legs around Dean’s waist.

“Go ahead,” Cas said under his breath, opening his eyes and staring into Dean’s, which were almost swallowed by the blackness of his pupil.

Dean nodded and pulled out almost all the way, pushing in again agonizingly slowly until he bottomed out. He looked at Cas with all the love in the world, and Cas was more sure in that moment than at any other time in his life that he was loved…someone loved him with their whole being.

“You’re so amazing,” Dean rambled, thrusting in and out at a steady and slow rhythm now. “God, how the hell did I get so lucky to have you?”

Castiel looked at Dean with tears in his eyes from how happy he was. He kissed Dean and huffed out a soft laugh.

“I’m sorry I’m crying,” Castiel said, feeling a blush come over his face.

“As long as you’re not sad,” Dean replied, reaching up to wipe away a tear that had fallen down Castiel’s face.

“I’m not,” Cas said, smiling through it. “I just love you so much…more than anything.”

“I love you too,” Dean whispered, smiling widely as he kissed Castiel again and angled his hips slightly.

Cas moaned and started thrusting back on Dean’s hips, needing to feel the drag of their skin together. He moved one of his hands to Dean’s shoulder and dug his fingernails in as Dean got closer to his prostate, but didn’t quite touch it.

“That feels so good,” Castiel murmured, clenching around Dean slightly as he kept moving.

Dean groaned at the sudden tightness, but kept going at the same pace. He changed the angle of his hips a little more and started hitting Castiel’s prostate head on.

“ _Fuck,_ Dean,” Cas called out as he gripped onto Dean tightly. “Right there, baby.”

Dean did as he was told, grunting quietly as he thrust over and over in the same place and then avoided it for a while, knowing it would drive Cas crazy.

Finally, Cas let out something that could only be described as a combination of a moan and a whine that made Dean bite his collar bone out of pure need to hear more.

“Please Dean, I’m so close,” Castiel begged, pushing himself back on Dean thrust for thrust now.

“I’ve got you, angel…let go,” Dean encouraged softly as he pulled his head up to look at him properly, hitting Cas’ sweet spot again.

That was all it took for Castiel to come in between them, practically screaming Dean’s name as he held onto him.

Dean thrust several more times before he came inside Castiel, stopping his movement and whispering Cas’ name repeatedly as he kissed him through the high of his orgasm.

“You make me so happy,” Dean whispered, leaning away to look at Cas as he pulled out.

“So do you,” Castiel said, a smile taking over his face without him even having to think about it.  

Dean rolled onto his side and pulled Castiel close, throwing his arm around him.

Cas tangled their legs together and put his hand on Dean’s chest, running it over his heart.

“You wore me out,” Castiel said, huffing out a laugh.

“So did you,” Dean replied, ghosting his hands over Castiel’s spine and smiling when he felt a slight shiver against his fingers.

“’m tired…g’night love,” Castiel almost slurred as he closed his eyes.

“Goodnight angel,” Dean said as he drifted off to sleep as well.

And Castiel let himself dream as Dean’s warmth enveloped him completely. He’d never had such a perfect, dreamless sleep in his life.

 

The next morning, Castiel woke up to the feeling of sunlight on his eyelids. When he blinked his eyes open, Dean was already staring at him.

“Good morning,” Dean said happily.

“Morning,” Cas greeted back, his voice still rough from sleep. “How long have you been up?”

“Just a few minutes,” Dean said, tightening his grip on Castiel’s waist slightly. “I like watching you sleep…it’s weirdly entertaining.”

“I’m glad you think so,” Cas smiled in a teasing manner. He sighed contently and looked around Dean’s room. “We spent the night in your real room…kind of amazing.”

“Yeah,” Dean agreed. “You’ve got a real fascination with everything us-related after getting out of the ward.”

“I know,” Castiel shrugged, taking Dean’s hand that wasn’t around him and intertwining their fingers. “I can’t help it…this is great. After all that time, we can be out in the big bad world and take all the challenges it gives us.”

“We definitely can,” Dean said with a nod, stroking the top of Castiel’s hand with his thumb as he thought about how well their hands fit together. “You’re pretty damn remarkable, Castiel Novak.”

“You are too, Dean Winchester,” Castiel told him, examining those green eyes like he was seeing them for the first time. “And I can’t wait to conquer the world with you.”

“It’s ours now,” Dean replied surely.

In that moment, Castiel experienced yet another first that Dean had given him. He was sure that he could take on anything the world decided to throw at him, and come out alive. Maybe he’d even be lucky enough to win sometimes. They were together, they were alive, and they mattered. Dean had given him the gift of being confident in that.

“I can’t wait to conquer our world together,” Castiel said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for staying with me through the wild ride that was Learning to Breathe! This has been such an incredible experience to write something this long and have people support and care about it. I love you all, and I hope this was as much fun for you to read as it was for me to write. Thanks again my lovelies! <3
> 
> As a side-note, if any of you have any requests or prompts for my next fic, I'm still open to suggestions. I've got a few ideas planned out that I'm narrowing down, but whatever you want to see, I'll definitely consider at the least :) If you want to send me a message on tumblr with a prompt or idea, I'll write a short fic for you and continue it in another long fic like this if I feel really inspired to do more :D
> 
> castielfuckingnovak.tumblr.com

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading guys! As always, kudos, comments, etc. are encouraged and if this gets a good number of views and positive feedback I'll keep going :D


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